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Wade Cartwright
Howdy, I'm Ruggahissy and I'll be your moderator for this profile


So first off: Go through the profile and take the information that is in parenthetical asides and put it into the profile without being in parenthesis. The parenthesis aren't super professional which is why they aren't used in the character bios.

Hobbies and Interests: Webcomics, RTS/TBS/city building/simulator games, running, action anime/movies (good or bad)

So I might not just be totally not in the know, but I don't know what RTS and TBS are. If they're just city building and simulator games, that's covered by saying city building and simulator games. Also, take out the parenthetical that he likes both good and bad action anime and movies. It's not necessary.

Apperance

- There's no hair color
- What kind of mustache does he have?


Bio

"Both found themselves with a very strong financial position"

Slightly confused here since they were both out of work when he was born. Did they get jobs between then and this point?

"began to employ his techniques in everyday use after Wade's birth."

Are both of these people working? Is one of them staying home? Are the both staying home? Who is doing the homeschooling here?

"and even managing to join and participate in a local soccer club for a while before a minor hip injury the year afterward scared Mira off. "

I'm going to assume this is some kind of kiddy soccer club since he's 3 at the moment and being smart wouldn't give him the athletic skills needed to join an older soccer club. You may need to talk about this hip injury. If he's 3 years old an injury like this would affect at least how his parents feel and deal with him and it frightened his mother enough to pull him out of the kiddy soccer.

"that came with the relative lack of technology. "

I find it odd that a four-year-old cares about not haven technology.


"Wade, at the time, acquired the image of a wonderfully gifted child"

Is he actually gifted or is that just the image his parents put on him? He learned to read early and has basic use of computers, but none of those things are terribly remarkable. I've known people who could read at 3 as well.


"And it was when Wade was at the age of eight that Mira and Alfred acquired a computer along with a steady Internet connection, "

Woah wait. I thought he already learned to use a computer and whined about the lack of tech when they go camping. They didn't have a computer until he was 8? Then what has he been learning on and whining about? He doesn't go to school so he's not taking computer classes there.

" to a few puzzling mannerisms,"

Like what?

"During this time, he discovered a new passion for writing fiction and reading articles"

What sparked his interest in fiction writing? What kind of articles does he read? And why does he do both of these things?

I find his inability to do hard sciences and math interesting. This would indicate that he isn't really as gifted as his parents made him out to be while he was growing up. In fact, he seems to be bright, but not extraordinarily so, and only in certain subjects. Does the fact that he's finally put with other kids and then doesn't perform above and beyond affect him in anyway, especially since it appears that he's been told he was special? How do his parents react? This is a pretty interesting wrinkle.

- How is he planning to go into biomedical research if he's bad at math and science?

"Some theoretical knowledge of things like hand-to-hand and sword combat (actually, some of his imagined sequences are surprisingly influenced by the fiction he watches and reads) "

That's not really helpful.

" a few survival tidbits picked up from Discovery Channel, a military textbook"

Since when does he watch the Discovery channel or read military textbooks?

"He's actually got good language/conversational abilities, despite his lack of small talk, and has demonstrated good potential for situational"

What does this mean exactly? Is he persuasive? Is he able to calm people down? Gain their trust?

So "running" was listed as a hobby and the only time it showed up in the profile was that he runs back and forth in halls. That's not really "running" as it is commonly known as a hobby and doesn't cut mustard as a hobby. A hobby is something you have an interest in and spend significant amount of time in.

When we look at the hobbies we generally look for 1 ) How did they get into it 2) What do they do to engage in it and 3 ) why do they like it or what do they get out of it. 1 and 2 are there for your hobbies, but not so much 3.

Other than that I'd like to know a little more about his personality and especially how he related to people. Wade seems to have been pretty isolated his whole life since the only interaction with kids during the home schooling period was the kiddy soccer club he was pulled out of at age 3. Most of the times parents who home school children try to get them involved with other children somehow so they can keep up socially and not feel lonely, but Wade didn't get any of that. I'd also like to know more about how all of the different decisions his parents have made affects his relationship with them.

Post when done!




Dorothy Shelley
APPROVED

V6 User Weapon Suggestions
Hello everyone.

Staff has been making arrangements for the start of v6. As always, one of the things we have to prepare before the game starts is the weapon list that we use to randomly assign characters the tools to their victory or their destruction.

In v5 we opened up user suggestions in an effort to get the community involved in the process and it was a success. You guys really helped fill out the list with the weird and deadly.

For v6 we're bringing it back and so here are the rules:


1) Only one suggestion per handler at this time.
2) You must submit the suggestion via PM to the SOTF_Help account. Please title your message with "Weapon Suggestion" or we'll get very grumpy.
3) If you post a suggestion in this thread, it will be ignored and it will also make us grumpy.
4) There is NO guarantee that your weapon will make the final list.
5) Please ensure your suggestion is practical. Last time we got some cool suggestions, that sadly would not work for SOTF. Make sure they are something someone could lug around and something that actually exists.
6) We are looking for suggestions that fit under the 3 General Molds of Weapons we look at for each list:
- Weapons: Knives, Guns, Melee Weapons
- Useful Non-Weapons: Extra food, second first aid kit, matches, poison, fishing pole, binoculars
- Gag Weapons: Shake weight, Carol Channing record, water pistol
7) The weapon must be useable. If the weapon is too complex for the average high school student to use, we can't include it.
8) Once you have made your suggestion, you cannot go back on it and say, "I meant ____" You will have to wait and see if we require more ideas.

That's about it. Please have fun and suggest some cool things.


Dorothy Shelley
Alrighty, it looks like you added a lot more information that was not originally present. That's fine, but remember to put it all in on the first go next time, because most of these fixes are more spelling and grammar. It might also be a good idea to throw your profile into an online spell check before posting.


In hobbies it should be "arts and crafts." Also I think science or biology might also be a hobby since she seems to enjoy that. From what I've read in the profile, her interest in body modification is not enough to be called a hobby. She researched it a bit and then gave it up, so it's not something she engages in.

In appearance "dressing code" should be "dress code."

I'm not sure if you added in the day of abduction outfit after I did the critique or if I just missed it, but there's a slight problem.

" Dorothy was a pair of jean mini-short"

mini-short what? Skirt? Shorts?

"Dorothy is the only child of Anna Anil and Omar Chadoury, both were residing in San Francisco when they discovered about the pregnancy, soon before Christmas 1998. Anna Anil went into labour the thirty-one of December of 1998."

I think this was also added in. Few mistakes here that I think come as a result of English being your second language. Should be "the thirty first" or "31st" of December. Should also be "discovered the pregnancy." No "about."

"During the obligatory activities, she discovered a love for craft and art"

This is colloquially known as "arts and crafts."

Of what decent are her parents that gives Dorothy her dark skin?

"while she achieved in science and art classes"

Achieved what?

- Why didn't she keep her friends between elementary school and middle school?

"She skipped class once, but her father found out and grounded her until the end of middle school."

This seems very very harsh. Is her father always such a disciplinarian? I guess that would make sense since he works at a prison

"whether they were stranger"

Should be "strangers"

"She was reluctant to be enrolled by her parents at Cochise High School; at first glance, she disliked the mandatory classes. However, she had no other options but to go there. "

Still a very strange sentence. Elementary school and middle school also have mandatory classes, so this wouldn't be any different.

In advantages: She wants to be a nurse, right? Does she know anything about medicine or first aid? That would probably be an advantage.

That's it. Post when done.

Dorothy Shelley
Howdy howdy. I'll be your moderator for this profile. Look below for the things to be added or changed and we'll get Dorothy into the murder game in no time at all.


Normally we'd knock you back for formatting, but this is a minor case so i'll do a full critique. The sections should start on the same line as biography and appearance. Like so:


Appearance: Dorothy stands at 5’3”....

- Anna's last name changes between lines. First she's called Anna Anil, then she's called Anna Robin. Just choose one for consistency.

- It's a little coincidental that both parents die on the same day, but neither is outlandish or impossible, so they can stay.

"and letting Joy choosing Dorothy’s activities."

Should be "choose"

"During her year as an infant and toddler,"

Slightly confusing since infancy and toddlerhood last more than a year.

", as a comprised between"

Should be "compromise" I think. Not sure exactly what word was supposed to be here.

"Dorothy never had any proofs of it"

should be "proof"

"When middle school begun, she mainly made friends with social outcasts; she felt drawn to them since she, herself, didn’t have close relationship with her peers when she was young. "

I thought she made friends by giving out her bracelets?

"The majority of her group were either delinquents"

Either delinquents or what?

" through social medias."

Should be "social media." Media is already plural. The singular form of media is "medium"

"Dorothy went her account on Internet "

Dorothy went ON her account (which account?) on THE internet.

- Where on the internet did she go to make friends?

" However, like for her diary, Mike found out and stalked his daughter."

- Does she know about this? How does that affect their relationship?

- Why did they get her a math tutor if she's doing well in everything but English? Seems like she should get an English tutor.

"She was reluctant to be enrolled by her parents at Cochise High School; at first glance, she disliked the mandatory classes. "

What were the alternatives? The only type of schooling that doesn't have some set of mandatory classes is home schooling and both the parents work.

" dropped it since her grade"

Grades

"Though, her father Mike quickly dismissed her dream since he didn’t believe it could be a stable job. She then decided to go into nursing like her mother"

She gave up so easily? If so, why and how does that reflect on her personality. Earlier it said her grades weren't high enough for her to want to go into medicine so did she change her mind or work harder on her school work?

"She did have a couple of crush"

Should be "crushes"

"Dorothy friendly and calm nature "

Should be "Dorothy's"



This is a good base for a character and really the main issues to be corrected mostly have to do with grammar and spelling. I will ask a few character related questions and ask for some expansion:

I'd like to know more about basically all of her hobbies. Some of them, like arts and crafts, disappear very early on. Is she still doing it? How does she interact with body modification to the point that it's a hobby? Where exactly does she go on the internet? What sort of body modification is she interested in?

For the hobbies, why does she like each one or what does she get out of doing them?

How has her relationship with her parents affected her? It seems like her relationship with her dad is kind of rocky. Does she try extra hard to please him and others? Has it lowered her self confidence?

Who are her friends now?

Lastly, I'd like a little more on what her personality is like. I can guess a bit with what's written now, but more information would be great.

That's it! Not a huge amount. Post when done.





Havana Escapade
Suspicion had been diverted elsewhere, he thought sleepily. Moving robotically, Caleb picked up the milk and poured into the measuring cup, stooping down to be level with the cup to see that the exact amount of liquid had been poured. As with chemicals, trying to eye the measurement from above the cup did not yield accurate results.

Then he remembered it was frosting and not dangerous chemicals, and dumped the milk into the bowl unceremoniously. Using the teaspoons he threw an appropriate amount of vanilla extract in with the milk, reasoning that wet ingredients mixed with other wet ingredients would be fine.

"Alright alright, let's get this done and get to cake." He paused. "Uh, go team," he added halfheartedly.