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Vidal Sasson
Mexico City, 1999

The sun of the Mexican summer scortched even the white marble of the outside patio where a little girl sat. Rebeca squinted, trying with difficulty to draw on a white pad that was a reflection of the burning sun. She sucked on the end of the pencil for a moment, before drawing the curve of a woman's hip. A sound from her left startled her and slowly she shifted her sight to another little girl leaning in the frame of the doorway. A dry wind lifted the white linen curtain behind the second girl, looking down at Rebeca.

"Juega conmigo"

<Play with me>


Rebeca did not move. She swallowed and put the tip of her pencil to the pad, not looking away.


"Dije, juega conmigo. Estas duro de oído ?"

<I said, play with me. Are you deaf?>

<I'm busy, Mara,> she said.

A chime somwhere on the patio provided the only noise, the small tinkle filling in the silence. From else where in the house, a door opened and voices were heard. Mara's mouth pulled into a slight frown and her eyes slid in the direction of the noise. Rebeca disregarded the noise altogether and cautiously went back to her pad, glancing over every few seconds at her sister.

Mara went back inside and flopped down on an arm chair, one leg hanging over the arm and watched as the older woman and little girl around her age came in. Her mother briefly chatted with the mother while the little girl kept by her side, respectfully. She was one of the house cleaners and she always brought her daughter with her. Mara tracked the group closely with her eyes. She saw her mother smile and touch the little girl's hair. The girl had beautiful hair. It was long, down to her waist and jet black. Her family was obviously not very wealthy, but that girl's hair was pristine. It glossed and shined and seemed so dark it was almost blue. Whenever she was around, that girl was always praised for her lovely hair. Today it was in a long braid with white ribbons. Mara slowly got up and walked to the kitchen.

<Oh hello Mara. Where's Rebeca?>

Mara shruged.

<Here. You and Lupe can play.>

The mothers left the girls in the kitchen.

Lupe was talking to her about something, but Mara wasn't really listening. She was fixated. It wasn't fair. Why should she have such pretty hair? Why should she have the attention? It was a waste on her. She was probably going to end up a factory worker's wife. What good would having that hair do her then? None. The thought irritated her.

<Hey, you know what would be fun? I could give you a hair trim!>

Lupe looked at her braid a moment and nodded.

<Sure! Trims are good for it,> she said smiling back.

Mara took a pair of kitchen siccors off the counter.



Lupe's mother had fogotten something in the kitchen. The moment she stepped back into the room, she screamed. There were two little girls in the kitchen and one was holding a long, shiny, jet black braid in her hands.

Georgie Simmons
I'm so sorry, love. Unfortunately I'm going to have to Permanently Deny Georgie in this incarnation. However that doesn't meant that something can't be learned from it. So I am going to tell you exactly why she is unfit for Survival of the Fittest as is.


Format

Something funky happened after your first edit.
-The paragraphs are an eyesore. They need to have lines skipped and indentations.
-There should only be one line skipped between hobbies and appearance and no lines skipped between advantages and disadvantages. Refer to the profile template.

Bio

- You have two main issues here. One stems from the other. Your character is unrealistic. This leads to your character appearing as if they are built specifically to play the game.

- I have asked you to make changes, like asking how she was never picked up by the police and telling you she can not be in Aurora High with the record she has and you dismiss them without really addressing them. She can not escape the police with luck and her father can not talk to the staff to let her in. If I tell you to make a correction you have to make the correction and not brush it off. I will notice, I promise.

Realism

It is not realistic that:

- Someone's parents wouldn't notice such a drastic change in their daughter after middle school. Her parents seem normal and it is natural that they would try to intervene, ESPECIALLY because her mother is a stay at home mother. Caring for her daughter is part of her job. You say she has scars. Her parents must be concerned about those. Does she come home drunk? That probably doesn't fly. If there's a reason why they don't intervene you need to tell me so I understand.

- Someone has no reaction to the suicide of their best friend. Paul kills himself and Georgie seems to go on just as she always did. No mention of how this affects her.

-Someone could fight as much as she does without attracting police attention, especially because they are "slightly" outside of school. People are going to be patrolling around a school.

-"Whether it was out of luck or skill, Georgie was never picked up by the cops. On the occasions that she was confronted, she’d do her best to play it cool and talk her way out of it." This. It is not realistic that someone would be able to talk their way out of an arrest with police as a result of assault. No. And the explanation of perhaps luck or skill does not cut it as to why police have not caught up with her since she fights just slightly outside of school. I know that you think this was an answer to my complaint, but it isn't. That is you justifying the thing I said was wrong so you could keep it as it was.

- That she could enter Aurora with the history of fighting that she has and the expulsion and suspension. You may think it's interesting but it's just digging the hole deeper for Georgie.

- "Her father put her in all sorts of therapy sessions after that.
The sessions did good, but not by much." That her parents would let her stop therapy since they obviously and rightly felt there was a need for it. The way you phrase it "all sorts of therapy" makes it sound like you're dismissing my questions about it. She would have to stay in therapy and would not be allowed to stop with so little improvement.

- That a family would allow or be fine with their violent, unrepentant criminal of a daughter go move out on her own. There is no loving family who would think this is a good idea.

- "Her fighting style is mostly free-style, most inspiration coming from boxing, kickboxing, Judo, and ballet. She never had formal training, and learned most of her fighting skills where either taught to her by her friends, or techniques she copied from other sources (people, books, etc)." That someone could learn these techniques without proper training. It's just not realistic for someone to self teach themselves a complicated form of martial arts like Judo.


Details

- Georgie is pretty much a shell of a person who likes fighting. This is a skeleton of a character.

- Need more interests other than fighting, ballet and books(we'll come back to that in a moment) and rabbits. Does she even have rabbits? I have no idea. You need to tell me. Think of yourself. You have lots of interests I'm sure.

- Ballet and books do not count. Why? Ballet gets two sentences of mention, if that. Does she like ballet? Why doesn't she go to classes anymore? What does she like about it? How did she first get involved with it? How long has she been doing it for?

- Books. What sort of books does she like? Who are her favorite author? Is she in the book club?

- FAMILY. This is important. Family is what shapes us. I have no idea what type of people her mother and father are. They are after thoughts here. Her dad is at once easy on her and tough. Her mother "fades into the background." Tell me who these people are, why they got married, how they feel about their daughter.

- PERSONALITY. Georgie is angry. Okay. She fights. Okay. That is all I know. Does she have a good sense of humor? Is she optimistic? What does she think of people in general? Is she selfish? Generous? Kind? Vain? Jealous? Insecure? Loyal? Determined? Curious? Energetic? I couldn't tell you a single one of those for her. This stuff > " Red is a stubborn individual. She doesn’t care too much about other peoples problems and can be selfish from time to time. She’s a bit of a pessimist and generally believes that people will take advantage of her." in your disadvantages is NO WHERE in the profile. You need to make me feel like I know who this person is. Talk about what her personality is like in the profile and expand. What does she want for the future?

- FRIENDS. She has none. You don't mention individual people or the type of people she hangs out with. She has no friends. Everyone has at least a FEW friends. Let me know who she spends time with now. What do they do for fun?



I appreciate that you don't want to make Georgie a killer but if we can't let in characters with this many warning signs, no matter what your intentions are.

Your premise is unrealistic and the character under the premise isn't so much a character as she is a thin sketch of a person. You need to change too much with not enough left under for this to continue forward. Your solutions to my complaints haven't really been solutions and they have made me increasingly of the opinion that you need to start over with a new premise.

If you would like, you may re-write Georgie with a new ( and much more in depth) personality so that she can still be aggressive, but also be realistic. You can be aggressive without getting into fights every day and being expelled. My advice is to think about people you know when you build a profile. You can submit your new character whenever you wish.


If you have additional questions you can PM me. I would be happy to help with character building and concepts. For more help you can look at the characters who have been approved thus far.

Violet Blue Dragon
Amaranta 'Mara' Montalvo: Start

Mara pursed her lips and looked over her phone. She swiped her finger across the touch screen, pushing her e-mails down as she looked for any sign of new contact. The heels of her boots clacked against the polished floor of the mall, unconsciously doing so to the beat of the piped in music over head. Maybe it was Duran Duran. Maybe it was Prince. She wasn't paying attention. She stopped in front of the black and white sign face with two windows on either side boasting pictures of beautiful girls in incredibly complex make up that she could never hope to replicate on her own. The corner of her lips tugged upward into a lopsided smile.

Sephora

It was her candy colored playground. She'd felt a little frazzled lately and there was nothing like giving her dad's plastic a work out for a case of the blues.

Mara walked in, stomping her feet and switching her hips, nodding slightly in acknowledgement at a greeter by the door.

Benefit. Toki Doki. Chanel. Two Faced. Urban Decay. Smash Box. They were her friends. They could make her into anything she wanted to be.

She approached a line of displays with mirrored backs, reflecting her own smiling face back at her. She picked up a dark berry lip stain with little cartoons cluttering up the tube and swept it onto her lips. Mara raised her head to the round mirror, surrounded by lights all around its frame. The center of her dark eyes reflected back the ring of light as she stared at herself.

"Toki Doki," she said quietly.

Michelle Weschler
Kay. Ready for another go!

Stephanie Wright
Back hand, front hand, ALL HANDS

Hello, my name is Ruggahissy and I will be looking over Stephanie. Here's my serve:

Stephanie is temporarily denied until you make a few changes.

If you could change "twelfth" to 12th in the grade, that would be super.

"Therefore, Stephanie spent most of her time at home with a nanny. As they lived in an apartment block, Stephanie had spent most of her time at home with nothing but her father's collections of books and movies to pass the time"

This is all before elementary school, as the next paragraph starts us off on that. You typically go into elementary school at 4 to 5 years of age. That means that her time at home was before the age of four. I'm not sure about all people, but most people don't learn to read before they go into elementary school. Even if she was at the starting stages of learning to read, I doubt she'd be able to read her father's books unless he has has a big thing for pop up books. Movies are alright, but I doubt anything she watches will really be absorbed.


"Her lack of social interaction greatly hampered her ability to make friends and she thus spent lessons sitting quietly reading books underneath the table."

Why is this little girl not interacting with her classmates? Sure at school maybe she just reads, but there's recess and lunch and after school. If there is a reason she isn't interacting with them, throw it in there so we can understand better. Also it's a little strange that someone so young (pre-third grade since that comes up later) would have the mind to study on their own and not listen to the teachers.

"She was taking advanced classes in most subjects and thus hardly saw much of her elementary school friends. Furthermore, she hit puberty early, hitting 5' 8" in seventh grade. As such, she was bullied rather often. Her new friends weren't much help either mostly staying out of the way of the bullies."

There aren't really "advanced classes" in middle school that wouldn't have other middle schoolers in them. At the middle school level, the classes don't really diverge too much in terms of levels. In my middle school there were maybe two or three levels of math and two levels of English ( regular English, more advanced English). If the advanced middle school classes are full of other middle schoolers I'm not sure why she's singled out for that. I think what you're trying to get across is that she's picked on for being brainy?

If she's bullied, didn't the teachers notice? What sort of bullying was done to her? Did she ever talk to someone about it?

"While she knew that hitting another person was wrong, she had punched a few bullies in her time in middle school. While she always felt guilty for days afterwards, she strongly believed that she was doing the right thing. Each time anyone bullied her too much, they would be taken by complete surprise. A normally quiet girl suddenly punching them without even saying a word. Rumours of her violence began to spread and bullies seldom picked on her and any who still did would be swiftly silenced by a well placed punch.

It was perhaps a miracle how often she avoided the principal's office. The teachers were all confused at a brilliant student who was always getting into scuffles. But she was often repentant afterwards and she always had a good excuse and teachers often had no choice but to let her get away with it. Even so, after a particularly bloody fight, she ended being called in to the principal's office and threatened with expulsion."

I don't buy that the teachers wouldn't say anything about her getting into fights. It seems more likely that she'd be called into the office and after a warning, there'd be a suspension and after another incident, more serious action. Even if someone is bullying her, she can't hit people. She has to tell an authority figure about it.

Also, bloody fight? Sh**t! That's serious! Did she break a mofo's nose or something? Depending on what happened and how old she is, there can be grounds for an assault charge. Dial it back a little :S


At least her parents sent her to get help and she wants to make more friends. Moving on,

That's a tough break about her and her brother. And it seems like he's really sweet. Except I have no idea ?_? More detail on Ryan and his relationship to Stephanie would be great, as well as info on her relationship to her parents since they only pop up about twice in the bio, pretty briefly.

"Due to the hospital time and physiotherapy, she is far behind on her studies barely making the C average requirement for council. While she is concerned about her grades, she doesn't quite believe in studying as she had gone without it for most of her schooling life"

I believe the school will make arrangements in the event of prolonged hospitalization and the like. If she's such a fantastic student to begin with, I'm not sure her grades would slide THAT much.

Does she have friends outside of tennis? What about her time in the book club? What sorts of books does she like? Why did she run for student council? Also, how does she fare with *boys* ?

Well, I think that's about it. Post when you're ready for another look!


Georgie Simmons
Okay. I'm going to level with you right now:

I'm going to give you the pre-made players speech. If you have been around and looking at profiles that had difficulty from previous versions, you may know this speech. It is basically that we (that being I in this case) don't feel comfortable letting a character through that I know right off the bat, without a doubt, will play the game by killing their fellow classmates.

Right now, I know that Georgie Simmons is going to play the game and agree to start killing her school mates right off the bat. How do I know this? She has a long history of violence, has never recovered from her violent tendencies, shows no desire to recover from her violent tendencies, is completely detached from her family, has no friends, does not socialize with anyone after the episode with Vincent and Paul, and knows various complicated styles of fighting without ever having gone to a proper class for them where they would teach her to manage her emotions and violent outbursts. Georigie has absolutely no reason *not* to kill her classmates.

That aside, she is STILL denied because her father talking to the Aurora staff is not going to cut it as far as getting someone in with a suspension and expulsion. Aurora is not a second chance school and best case, she'd go to school that accepts problem kids, but with her history of fighting even outside of school, she'd likely be sent to a juvenile correction school.

Lastly, the police. If she got into such a bad altercation with the principals son that she was expelled, the principal would most likely press charges. I also do not buy that she has never been picked up for fighting out of "luck."

If you want to keep trying with this character, you may post after this saying you wish to continue and I'll go through again and give another round of recommendations. However, I would think on it carefully before you make that decision. If not, post that you would like her moved to the abandoned characters forum.

Michelle Weschler
Name: Michelle Weschler
Gender: Female
Age: 17
Grade: 12th
School: Aurora High School
Hobbies and Interests: Girl Scouts, Sea Scouts, swim team, science fiction television and literature, comic books, caring for her pets, physiology study

Appearance: : Michelle is best described as cute rather than beautiful. She has an attractive face and body that comes across as very sweet. She has naturally lighter skin that tans to golden brown in Spring and Summer from her time outdoors. She stands at 5’6’’ and weighs a healthy 145 pounds. Her chest is somewhat small, especially when compared to her sister, and she’s slightly self-conscious about it. She has toned muscles from exercise but is rather hippy, something she is also self-conscious about. Her eyes are light brown, her cheeks are rosy, she has a slightly larger than average sized nose, but not too much larger and shapely lips that form a cupid’s bow. She has light brown hair that lightens to a honey brown color in the summer that falls down in loose curls to a few inches past her chest.


Michelle’s style is laid back and comfortable. She almost always wears flip flops, sometimes not wearing shoes at all, which gets her in trouble if a teacher or school security should notice. She favors tank tops and band t-shirts and wears inexpensive jeans that are slightly saggy, meaning the cuffs drag on the floor when she walks and end up getting ripped and shredded. On the day of abduction Michelle was wearing blue and white flip flops with a bubble pattern on them, her old jeans with a rip in one knee and another rip on her bottom, covered by a butterfly patch, a black Nirvana t-shirt, a red hoodie and many friendship bracelets on both wrists.

Biography: Michelle Weschler was born the youngest of four children to Elizabeth and Joshua on June 4th. Her three older siblings are Adriana, ten years her senior, Robert, seven years her senior and Matthew, four years her senior. Her mother and father separated when she was only five years old, but never actually divorced. Her mother, Elizabeth, works as a massage therapist and her father is a science professor and medical researcher at University of California, Berkley. Currently her eldest sister is a graduate student in psychology at the University of Berkley and lives with their father. Her eldest brother is an artist in New York and Mathew studies physics at the University of Michigan.

Michelle and all the other siblings grew up with their mother, all choosing to leave or live with their father after graduation from high school. Michelle loves her father, but is unable to see him much due to the distance. She would much prefer to live with him, but he tells her that he’s much to busy with his work to be able to raise her.
Until she was 14, Michelle had around at least one sibling, becoming very close to her older sister and her brother Matthew in particular. Michelle’s older sister was widely looked up to in their small community and Michelle emulates her, becoming a Girl Scout like she was and staying on even to this day as a senior Girl Scout. Now that Matthew has left the house, she and her mother are the only human occupants of their home.

Michelle lives in what would be considered a nice middle class home, except her mother is a terrible hoarder. There are piles of junk, trash, old mail and all sorts of things strewn all about the house. Michelle has since given up trying to maintain the house on her own and spends most of her time at home in her room, the one neat area of the house. Michelle is constantly telling her mother to seek help for her hoarding, but her mother refuses to admit there is a problem, always saying that she will clean the house "this weekend." It frustrates Michelle to no end and she keeps her room nice to prove to herself that she won't ever become messy like her mother.

When Michelle was a little girl and Robert was a teenager, he had a job after school at a pet shop. Robert was in the habit of bringing all sorts of animals home from work and from there, Michelle developed her love of animals. She went so far in her fondness for them that at age twelve she became a vegetarian, saying that she won’t eat anything that has a face. On the few times a year she drives down to visit her father, he teases her, trying to convince her that pizzas once had faces.

Michelle has accumulated many pets over the years. She has a small cat her brother found in a parking garage one day and gave to her named Napoleon, a lab chow mix dog named Spartacus, a cat that her brother brought home from the pet store named Mr. Kitty who happens to be a diabetic cat, a toad named Pacman and some guppies. Michelle cares for the animals, not trusting her mother to do it. That includes having to chase Mr. Kitty around the house to try and keep him still for his insulin.

As a child, her brother Matthew introduced Michelle to science fiction and comic books. Michelle loves science fiction authors and her favorite is Heinlein. She has a vast collection of silver age comic books and 80’s comic books passed down from her brother and her favorite comic book hero is Superman. She loves to watch Star Trek, Firefly and Battlestar Galactica and has a vibrating tribble toy in her room.

Michelle’s main extra curricular activities are Girl Scouts, Sea Scouts and her place on the swim team. Michelle has been a Girl Scout for 11 years and is well known at school for taking cookie orders in her classes when that time of year comes around and coming to school with armfuls of boxes for those who have ordered them. In Sea Scouts her competing events are swim, morse code and cloud identification. Her squad usually places well among the local Sea Souts. At school she is an excellent swimmer, having been on the varsity team since she was a sophomore. Her sister taught her to swim when she was younger and she grew up to find she has an aptitude for it and has been competing since she was 13.

As previously mentioned, Michelle doesn’t get along with her mother very well. The hoarding is only one of several issues that Michelle takes with Elizabeth. Another reason that the children are all rather distant towards their mother is that she has a strong belief in Reiki energy healing and crystal healing over traditional western medicine. She believes in the strength of auras and in horoscopes as well. Michelle thinks this is ridiculous and has to fight every time she wants to go to a hospital or see a “real” doctor when she’s sick.

When she isn’t at Girl Scouts, Sea Scouts, swim practice, school or sleeping, Michelle has an after school job at a local ice cream shop. Michelle’s mother blew a good few thousand dollars from her college fund on a large, quartz healing stone, so Michelle has resolved to save up her own separate college fund to make up the money. It was at her job at the ice cream shop that she met Makatala. She soon became enamored of Kam and they have been in a relationship ever since. Michelle doesn’t consider herself to be bisexual or a lesbian and doesn’t identify with any particular sexuality. She is very open about the relationship and feels that she loves Makatala and that is all that matters. Her mother is very accepting of her girlfriend, but Michelle doesn’t like to talk to her mother about personal matters, viewing her as unable to even take care of her own personal life, and has not introduced her mother to Kam.


In school Michelle does well. She works very hard and gets mostly As with a few Bs in her classes. The Bs come mainly from chemistry and Spanish. She is always polite with teachers and prefers not to talk in class, suffering from a fear of public speaking. She has quite an interest in physiology and hopes to one day be an emergency medical technician, which puts another strain on the relationship between her mother and her.

Michelle is very friendly and sweet, having many friends in different circles. She is bright and always helpful, but has a tendency to be a little pessimistic at times and anxious, being what some would call a “worry wart.” Michelle is also rather clumsy. She knows that she is a bit of a klutz and often laments how often she stubs her toes into things. She occasionally can be a bit controlling, feeling that if something needs to be done, doing it yourself is the only way to ensure it is done right. She has also been known to nag on friends because she does not like to see people fall short of their potential and becomes frustrated if she feels someone she cares about is being lazy.

Advantages: She's in shape from swimming and has good stamina. She has basic survival knowledge from her years as a Girl Scout. Michelle has many friends and few enemies. She has decent medical knowledge.
Disadvantages: Michelle is very kind and peaceful. High stress situations make her nervous and increase her chances of mistakes. Her vegetarianism limits the number of things she can eat as she's been a vegetarian for so long her body can no longer process meat and she will become ill if she ingests it. She has a tendency to be a bit clumsy.

Bear likes to draw
These are absolutely beautiful. How wonderful :)

Michael Mitchellson
You're a rockstar :)



APPROVED

Michael Whaley
APPROVED

Michael Mitchellson
Awesome. Looks like we're all good on content. I just have a few clean up notes on grammar:


While born in California, after Michael's mother's death Paul was forced to work increasingly hard to support the both of them, but as he worked as full-time paramedic, which isn't the most lucrative of jobs, Paul was eventually forced to move to Seattle, where his parents lived, so they could provide some much needed support.

This is a tad clunky and at first I thought it was saying that Paul was born in California. Also, there are some unnecessary commas where ending the sentence would work better and commas that don't need to be there at all. It'd read a little smoother as:

"Although Michael was born in California, after the death of his mother Paul was forced to work increasingly hard to support both of them. He worked full-time as a paramedic, but because it isn't the most lucrative of jobs, they were forced to move to Seattle where his parents lived and were able to get some much needed support."


This sentence doesn't' need the little bit at the beginning:

As such Michael has a very close relationship with his grandparents, due to often being left at their house while his father worked.


"Both of his grandparents are still alive, today, and while Michael spends a lot of his time alone, at his house, he still visits his grandparents often."

No commas needed before and after "today."

During his freshman year of High School, he started a Book Club with Daniel, (ignoring protests that it was pretty much what they did together normally, anyway) and has over the years assembled a small group of members.

No commas needed after "school" and after "Daniel.' Also, high school should be lower case.

"Michael attends a class for disabled students at Aurora High School, and excels at English, Computers, and math, though he struggles a bit in science and history"

Computers is lower case as well.


"In general, Michael is cheerful, energetic and optimistic, and though he often unintentionally offends people due to the directness of his speech he makes an effort to be kind to others, unless they insult him in some manner, after which he'll happily unleash a storm of insults, most of which losing their impact due to Daniel's deadpan delivery."

Run on sentence D:. Just break this one up a bit. It might be better as:

"In general, Michael is cheerful, energetic and optimistic. At times he unintentionally offends people due to the directness of his speech. He makes an effort to be kind to others unless they insult him in some manner, after which he'll happily unleash a storm of insults which mostly lose their impact due to Daniel's deadpan delivery."

On that note: a clarification. Is Daniel the one translating for him even when he's insulting people?


So just some clean up stuff. No biggie. Give me a shout when it's done!

Naomi Bell
APPROVED


Naomi Bell
Hello Miss Medic!


Strong, stubborn girl with flaws under the surface. Naomi is a girl after my own heart. However I'm pulling you over because of her hieght/wieght.

At 5'8'' and 115 pounds, Naomi is unhealthily undereight acorrding to the BMI (body mass index) calculator. Girl is in need of a sandwich. Put a few more pounds on her.

So just make that quick fix and post when you've got it.


Amy Bachelor
Howdy Pippin!


The only question that I have is, what is it exactly that Amy's parents do? However, that aside, Amy is a doll and so are you ~

APPROVED

Michael Mitchellson
Hey DMBoogie! I'm Ruggahissy (obviously, right?)



So, I'm already kind of in love with Michael :$ . He is temporarily denied but all he needs is a little extra oomph.


There's nothing really wrong with him. The only thing I'd say is that the bio is ever so slightly bare at the moment. Tell me a little more about his relationship to his grandparents and father. Does he have relationships with *girls*? What sort of books does he like to read? What kind of things does he like to do on the internet (is he a 4channer :S) ?

What's his overall outlook on life? How does he feel about being deaf? Is he angry and resentful about it or is he just happy for what he has in life? Cheerful? Sarcastic? Bubbly? Stubborn? What's Michael's personality like?

Also you accidentally bolded all of the advantages. Go ahead and clean that up and I'll give it another look when it's done. : )

Georgie Simmons
Okay, we're getting there but there's still a couple things that need to be gone over. First, the grammatical and spelling errors:

Georgie could have been thought of as part of the “perfect upper middle-class family”.

For a while, it was cool. Vincent was a party animal, he would play around with Red and show her a good time.

The matter was never brought up with the police, neither Paul nor Red mentioned it to anyone.

She had gotten into a fight with some kid at the school and that kid happened to be the principal's son.

She hasn't missed a day of school since she was expelled and gets (no apostrophe in gets) passing grades in most of her classes.

She is unsure of what lies ahead and lives in the present. She has relatively few plans for the future.

Currently, her biggest goal is to finish high school.

She knows who ever threw the first punch will generally take the blame.




Now onto the content stuff:

- This > "Appearance is a little bare but just fine. I would like to know her skin tone though, since it's not on there and a little more about the look of her face. What shape is it, what her facial features look like, ect." still needs to be done.

-You still haven't really addressed how her parents feel about her dating Vincent or about her decline into the bad crowd. This becomes even more curious as at the end of the biography you say that Red feels that her dad is pushing her too hard to be good. It doesn't seem like he's doing very much at all. He puts her in therapy but that's sort of it. I like that the therapy at least kindda stuck this time but I'd like to know about that first issue and maybe even have an explanation as to why therapy isn't helping her as much as therapy should.

- There's somewhat of an explanation now for the attempted rape in that Vincent was apparently drunk, but I'm still sort of confused as to why this would have the impact on Red that is does given that she's had consensual sex with him regularly and.....why he wanted to rape her in the first place if she WAS his girlfriend. Sure, he was drunk, but that must not have been the only time he'd ever been drunk around her from your description. What set off rape this particular time as something that seemed like a good idea? I'm not saying that you can't rape your girlfriend, you can, but I don't know why Vincent felt the need to demonstrate his machismo...and particularly on his girlfriend.

-I'm not sure why this makes Red distrust people in general, especially when someone came to her aid. Surely that would show her that Paul's worth sticking with?

- "She had gotten into a fight with some kid at the school and that kid happened to be the principle's son." This seems sort of strange. Why would the principal's son, who knows that he is being watched extra since he attends his father's workplace every day, get into a fight with someone? At school no less?

- She's been suspended, expelled and has a history of street fighting. I still don't think Aurora's going to let her in as it's a pretty nice school.

- Speaking of, the fighting out and about on the streets. Is there a reason she hasn't been picked up by the cops yet? Because that seems like a natural consequence of fighting that frequently out on the streets like that.

- I see her mother is stay at home. Why doesn't her mother care more about her troubled daughter if she's home all day? Surely she should notice when she doesn't come home straight after school and is partying at what not. She can't be cooking and vacuuming 24/7.

- I think it's cute she likes rabbits. No critique. I just like it.

- If she's improved (albeit a little) with therapy, why is she still fighting kids? If she does it just because she likes to fight, why doesn't she sign on with a more constructive fighting environment like a boxing class?

- Does she never talk to anyone even now? No friends? Casual acquaintances? People in class?

- Your advantages and disadvantages still have a tone issue. We write the profiles in the style of one of Danya's men writing a profile on the student. So things like "She can kick your ass" should be something like "she's a skilled fighter." Also, melee weapons are mentioned in the advantages. Does she regularly beat on people with things? It's not mentioned earlier and it makes her fighting much MUCH worse if she does. Remove the ellipses "so hiding may become a problem…. She also has a weakness for bunny rabbits"

-Does she still keep up in ballet? It sort of drops off part way through the bio. Does she have friends there?



Kay. We're getting there. I'm still afraid she's a little flat, too much of her personality coming from the fact that she's a kid who fights other kids. Why does she like fighting? What inspired her to reform, if she does (it's a little confusing because she seems to calm down and get better but at the end you mention she still fights). If her dad is a lawyer, why does she not report the attempted rape incident to the police?


Post it up when we're ready to give it another look!

Away
Hey. So Sean wanted me to put this up just in case:

Hey, I don't think this'll be a huge issue since SC hasn't started and I haven't submitted any v5 characters yet but if you could pass along to other people on SOTF that I'm not gonna have regular computer access until Tuesday at the earliest that'd be great. My hard drive melted so I'm using my mom's computer until the replacement comes in.


So:

Handler: Sean
Dates Away: 1/20 - 1/24
Days Away: 4
Reason for Away: Trashed hard drive.
Characters: None at the moment.

Dolores Agnew
Kay, all cleared up now. I'll send you through if you promise not to cause too much trouble. APPROVED

Regan Flagg
Kay. Regan is APPROVED with the conditions that you add something saying that she didn't start getting the tattoos until she turned 18 and that you don't report me to the higher ups for sexual harassment.

Jessica Murphy
Neato. Hit the showers!

APPROVED