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New Official V5 Away Thread
Handler: Slam
Dates Away: Aug 3, 2015 - Aug 7, 2015
Days Away: 5
Reason for Away: Up in Edinburgh on a business trip all week. Hotel I'm staying at is ritzy enough to have very brief bursts of wi-fi if you're willing to pay, so being the cheapskate I am it's unlikely I'll be online at all for the five days.
Characters: Nate Turner, Vanessa Stone.

Scarlett McAfee
APPROVED

Scarlett McAfee
Hi RC, I do apologise for the wait on this critique.

Scarlett’s looking great; for the most part her content’s fine. That said, there’s a share of grammatical blips and one or two matters that I do have to address before I can approve her.

Name: Scarlett McAfee
Gender: Female
Age: 17
Grade: 12
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and Interests: 2000s music, Star Wars, playing the piano, 9gag, chemistry, tap dance Writing and reading should really be on this list, as should watching movies.

Appearance: The 5'5" tall Scarlett weighs 134 pounds. Scarlett McAfee's body is average-sized, and her skin is neither pale nor tanned. Her face is heart-shaped, and while she used to dye her hair in blonde or red when she was a teen, she now keeps her curly, shoulder length hair its original colour, light ash brown. Her eyes are amber and her nose is small.

I wouldn’t mind knowing what Scarlett’s heritage is, since neither pale nor tanned can mean a lot depending on her ethnicity. Also, detail on her eye shape and mouth shape would be great for getting the complete mental picture.

Scarlett usually dresses in hoodies, shirts or blazers with jeans. On the day of abduction she wore a dark blue blazer with a white shirt. She also wore light blue jeans which are torn a bit and brown Chuck Taylor All-Stars.

Biography: Scarlett was born in 1998 to Morris McAfee, a surgeon's assistant, and Nadine McAfee, an electrician, in Kingman, Arizona. The influx of arguments between Nadine and Morris eventually lead to a divorce, when their sole child Scarlett was six years old. Nadine wanted to move out to a different city and as both of them didn’t want Scarlett to move to another city, as they feared that she’d lose her friends, Scarlett lived with her father since then, though she often visits her mother as well.

Her father sent her to the piano lessons since she went to elementary school as they had a piano in his house that was unused. She liked to play the piano and excelled in it. At first her teacher told her to practise classical music, but she wanted to play pop songs that she liked on the piano as well. As the teacher did not knew many pop songs, Scarlett was told that she should print the sheets for the songs she would like to play herself. So she printed it and in addition to the classical pieces, she was also practising songs she wanted to play. These last two sentences are a bit of a trivial matter, you can probably omit them. (and perhaps tweak the second sentence of the paragraph to reflect it if you do.)

She got fond of playing music that were created during the 2000s and associates these songs with her childhood, because whenever she listens to a specific song she could remember an event that happened in her life. She is critical towards the music that came out recently and didn’t like most of them with a few exceptions. She didn’t like how pop singers like Justin Bieber or pop groups like One Direction became famous and were played on the radio. She also disliked how many pop artists produced electro pop, which is something she didn’t like to listen to. She usually listens to all kind of genres and liked to discover new ones, although she generally didn’t like 2010s pop as much as 2000s music.

She first saw Lord of the Dance on the television when she was around ten years old, which got her interested in tap dancing. She soon asked her father to buy her tap shoes and send her to a tap dance class, which he did. In class she learned how to be rhythmic as well as how to dance, which she enjoyed very much. Outside of the class she also invested an amount of time watching tap dances, such as watching Tap Dogs or old tap movies. She was particularly interested in old movies, as she preferred the more entertaining performances of Fred Astaire or the Nicholas Brothers over more rhythmic-based performances like those of Jason Samuels Smith, who also impressed her but not so much. While she was not a big fan of musicals, she saw the scenes where they danced as cool ones.

Early in her childhood she liked to consume movies that were rather popular at the time, like Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter. As she also liked to read books as well and has kept some amount of books in her shelves as she liked to collect them, she began to read the books of these films and various others. She enjoyed the genres of sci-fi and fantasy in particular, as she liked to find out about new worlds that don’t exist.

Her favourite sci-fi saga was Star Wars, which in addition to its films also had a large lore consisting of books. Her first and favourite AU books she read was the Thrawn trilogy and she continued to read others that she found interesting, especially these concerning characters from the movies. Other than books, she liked to watch television series and fanfictions of Star Wars as well. She did not like to let others know that she liked to watch the series "Clone Wars" or "Rebels", as she fears her friends would've find that childish, unlike the books she is proud of to own, as it enlarges the collection of her books. Another guilty pleasure would be her fanfictions. she began to read them at the age of 12, when she discovered the site fanfiction.net. Scarlett began to write her first ones at the age of 14, thinking that she was also able to write stories about her favourite characters.

If she did not like the fanfiction she wrote, she tends to delete them out of regret, which is why all of her first ones are deleted by now. To this day she has continued to write new ones, although she does not update regularly, just when she's in the mood and has ideas and time. She liked it when she got critiques for her stories and tried to address all the problems she had. In general she liked to befriend with other people in the community and liked to write reviews for other stories, especially those written by her own reviewers. She also had started and participated in “Submit your own characters”, as she enjoyed the collaborative elements in it. Besides Star Wars AU books, she is an avid reader of sci-fi books in general, also enjoying to watch sci-fi movies. She also had ideas of her own sci-fi universe, but scrapped them as she doubted it would be good enough to be published as a book. That was mainly due to her reading the chapters she had already written and disliking it, although she let her friends read the chapters, who liked them or even offered critiques. Scarlett, however, had her own thoughts about the story, despite the comments of her friends and didn’t continue writing on it. This sentence repeats information in the last one, so it can be omitted.

When she was a little child she did visit Nadine, who moved to Needles, California on some weekends, but to this date she visits her more frequently. As a surgeon's assistant, her father did not earn much money and financially it was worse after the divorce. They struggled less with paying debts and taxes when both parents were together and paid together, but it became harder. While they still lived in the same apartment as before, it led to her father saving more money. This also meant Scarlett had to buy less things and her father even encouraged her to sell some books or discs she collected. Scarlett eventually gave in and sold some CDs or books she did not like. Scarlett is a person who liked to avoid chores, but in the end did them as she didn't want to bother her father, as he was busy with his own problems. Scarlett considered taking a job to help her father, but has not made any effort to help yet.

She had less conflicts with her mother than father, due to spending less time with her, which is why Scarlett feels more comfortable at her mother's place. When her father is around her friends, she often is embarrassed about the behaviour of Morris as he's often trying to tell jokes she doesn't find funny. She tells him that afterwards, but the conflicts end with him not changing much.

Scarlett prefers to not hang out home much to avoid conflicts and likes to hang out with friends instead. She also likes to spend time on the internet, although often with her cellphone rather than on the computer and regularly visits 9gag and Vine, which she finds entertaining. On 9gag, she's fond of the memes that make her often laugh. Vine's concept of the short videos is really interesting for her as well and the crazy, absurd and funny acts the viners do amuses her. Because they entertain her the most, KingBach and Brandon Calvillo are her favourite vine-users. She never submitted her own vines as she does not like to film herself or others. And unlike her writing creativity, her film ideas are few. Both 9gag and Vine are also used to kill spare time. She also liked to share funny vines and 9gag posts to her friends, which could come off as annoying to some. When bored in school, for example in a free period, she also likes to browse on the sites, although she prefers to talk with other students then.

When she was younger and had a big argument with her father after she got an F in Spanish, she even thought of escaping home to live with her friends once, but eventually didn't after the parents of her friend encouraged her to go back to her father, after telling Morris where Scarlett went. When Scarlett returned home, the two of them had a serious discussion about how Morris was concerned about the disappearance of her and about the importance of her Spanish grades, which led to her not trying to neglect it anymore.

This is quite a serious reaction to failing in Spanish, especially since there isn’t any mention of any particular severe tension at home, particularly when Scarlett was younger. Why did Morris put such a huge importance on Spanish, enough that he was able to make his daughter consider running away from home when he started arguing over it?

To this date she continued to play the piano, although she had a phase where she was trying to avoid piano, because it bored her after while. But in retrospective, she liked to play the piano, as her friends usually complimented her piano skills, which gave her more motivation to continue.

She comes off as friendly, but sometimes also annoying to other people. She has the habit of talking too much to others or sometimes being too direct, which could lead to awkward conversations. She likes to socialise with new people to not come off as just having a close circle. She also tries to follow the rule of the school, although she does not snitch. She fears that breaking the US law would ruin her reputation, especially in terms of jobs and therefore also doesn't break them. This meant that she refused drugs when they were offered to her, although she doesn't mind if her friends do them. Fearing a potential career to be destroyed, she also isn't fond of her being photographed with alcohol. This is because she wants to act like a model student, as she is interested in law and hopes to become either a lawyer or a police officer some day. She got interested in law because they seem to be secure jobs and this lead her to research more about them, which got her even more interested. She researched more about studying law and found it more interesting, but as she doubted that she's able to afford studying law due to financial reasons, she thought that she should become a police officer instead, although she also considered to study chemistry. While she has no specific college or university planned yet, she plans to apply for one in the upcoming spring break.

To achieve it, she tries to be good in school. In school she is especially interested in chemistry and does excel in it. Outside of school she joins chemistry competitions such as the Science Olympiad as well, sometimes even winning some prizes. What does she like about chemistry in particular? What trait of hers allows her to excel in it? In general she's good at science classes and mathematics and gets good grades there. In other classes like English or PE, she's average, getting Bs or Cs. The only subject she failed miserably and regrets choosing was Spanish, where she got Cs or Ds, as she had troubles in learning the vocabulary, because she found no motivation in it. Her father disapproves of her bad Spanish grades, because he wants her to have a good chance for a good job in the future and forces her to learn her Spanish vocabulary, by threatening to confiscate her phone when she doesn’t. Again, I’m quite curious why Morris puts such a high precedent on the Spanish language. He sometimes also learns with her by testing her knowledge of the vocabularies, although Morris himself couldn't speak Spanish. Then how’s he testing her knowledge of the vocabularies? She also likes to work in groups, in competitions as well as in group projects. She isn't the leader type, but likes to suggest many of her ideas, although she can often adapt, in case the other students don't like her ideas.

Is she still doing tap dancing? I haven’t seen mention of it since she was younger.

Advantages: She won't have issues in finding allies, because she is good at befriending other students. She also is used to work in groups. If she is still tap dancing, is she in good shape because of it?
Disadvantages: She is often talking much and being too direct, much to the annoyance of others, which could cause her to alienate some people. She also has her own thoughts and does not blindly follow others, which might lead to arguments.


As I said, Scarlett’s really good right now. Just clear up these few areas and the grammatical blips, and I reckon she should be ready to roll.

General Video Game Discussion Thread
For the record, Yosuke's waifu frontrunner so far.

General Video Game Discussion Thread
So I'm finally getting to play Persona 4. Quirky cast so far, but I'm wondering who pissed in this teacher's cereal.

Pitches
Vanessa had had enough.

Doubting her commitment to the team pissed her off. Taking a shot at her wardrobe was cold, and brought back uncomfortable memories from middle school. Calling her stupid was just icing on the cake.

But Georgie, all the same, had shown her true colours by that brief flinch. Vanessa had seen it, and it stopped her from slugging Georgie right there and then.

She wasn’t worth it.

She was like a tiny dog, the ones the barked the loudest to make up for the fact they had nothing else going for them in a fight. Georgie was just a cocky little bitch.

She shook her head. She was about to turn around, go back to her bags and just get on with it. She could show Georgie up at practice, or forget about her and hang out with the teammates who hadn’t managed to piss her off so successfully in the past thirty seconds. That sounded much better.

But she couldn't help herself. That need to just finish what she started, to put Georgie in her place before she was done, was too much to resist.

She snapped her head forwards, just fast enough to look like a head-butt, but stopping far shy of Georgie’s face, in a way that made sure Georgie’s eyes met with hers.

“Fuck you, you little shit.”

Nancy Kyle
This character biography has had no alterations for more than two weeks and has been put in the abandoned characters forum. This profile is eligible for resubmission by the handler upon alterations requested by the staff.

Hello! I can draw something for you if you'd like
I dunno, I think Ricky would have more blood on him.

Very good picture though, conveys a lot of nuttybar-ness.

Pitches
“…the fuck is your problem?”

Something was definitely up Georgie’s ass that day: ripping on her name couldn’t have been enough to make her this pissed off at Vanessa. Well, with Georgie it could have been, but she was still being way over the line over nothing.

“You talk to everyone on the team like this, or am I just lucky?” she asked, though if this was lucky then give her a black cat any day. Lucky people didn’t have to deal with people running their mouth off at them for no good reason, nor did they have their actual support for the team be questioned by a teammate (though one who sure as hell wasn't acting like one) for who fuckin’ knows why.

Wait, was this because she’d missed the last practice?

“Is this because I was out last week? I had a cold, Georgie. You got something against people being sick?”

Christ, she knew that Georgie wouldn’t know how to relax if someone paid her to, but she didn’t have to shove it down everyone else’s throat. So she missed last practice, big deal. It wasn’t like it was the first practice she’d missed, and it wasn’t as if she wanted to avoid practice either. If that was ever the case, not that it was going to be, she'd just not show up for practice.

She threw her hand up in the frustration of dealing with someone so anal and annoying, her hand coming dangerously close to grazing Georgia Lee’s face in the process.

Brady Floyd
Hi Serpico! Before we give Brady a full critique, please make sure the layout matches the profile template exactly. Specifically, you've got an extra line break between your biography section and your advantages that shouldn't be there.

Hello! I can draw something for you if you'd like
I don't even know but I love it.

Hello! I can draw something for you if you'd like
Burns tend to be caused by heat.

Pitches
Vanessa had been looking for an overreaction, but not quite on that level. She realised she was staring at Georgia Lee at a crooked angle, a look of perturbed surprise struck on to her face as Georgie’s cutting response sunk in.

“Cocky little shit…” she muttered, perhaps loud enough for Georgie to hear, perhaps not. She turned back to her bag, pulled her top over her head, then found herself stopping, and simmering.

Had she caught Georgie on a bad day? There was a good chance something had crawled up her ass and gotten stuck next to the stick that afternoon, but with Georgie who could say for sure? Was she possibly kicking the hornet's nest if she decided to keep this up, if she decided to return fire and teach Georgie to maintain a little bit of respect in how she talks to people for a change?

Eh, fuck it.

She strode over to where Georgia Lee was, stopping just close enough that she would know Vanessa was behind her, just close enough that the size difference between them would be all the more apparent and add to that ‘Don’t fuck with me’ factor.

“You got something you want to say to me?”

Pitches
Ah, the literal cold shoulder. It was good to see that Georgie, or rather Georgia Lee, wasn’t going to shake things up by acting out of the ordinary today.

“Ok, Georgia Lee”, she enunciated with the much desired care, accompanying her words with finger quotes for good measure. “I’ll keep that in mind, Georgia Lee.

She slung her bag onto a bench on the other side of the room from Georgie, pulling off her tank top and starting to root through her bag for her uniform. She could hear Georgie in the midst of her own changing behind her, and with no-one else in the room to talk to, she decided to make conversation with whatever was on hand. That or just irritate the crap out of her, either was good. After all, Georgie had a tendancy to suck all the life out of a room with her inabiliy to chill the fuck out, so as far as Vanessa was concerned pissing her off from time to time was an even trade.

“Say, Georgia Lee, I miss anything big at last practice, Georgia Lee?” she called over her shoulder, pulling her freshly cleaned top (Thanks, Mom) out of her bag as she watched for Georgie's reaction through the corner of her eye. She was looking for an overreaction, ideally, but she was more than happy to keep this going if Georgie didn't feel like playing ball yet.

Brendan Harte
APPROVED

Brendan Harte
Timeline looks much better now. We're very nearly there, just a few minor points to clear up:

Quote:
 
was sad over the fact that his own son was showing nothing but complete hatred towards him


Quote:
 
However, he is pleased when his father sometimes does go with him on jogs to spend time talking with him about rebuilding their relationship more with Brendan at the young age of fifteen.


The last I heard Brendan was willing to open up to his father about his bullying problems in middle school, so why's it taking until high school for him to actually start repairing their relationship? The current impression I'm getting is that they're bonding over swimming, which starts at age six, but this contradicts that and makes it seem like he's still angry at his dad until then, which doesn't really fit with the rest of the profile at present. (What with the bonding and his dad buying him books, whilst Brendan also respects his dad's opinion enough to not want to show him his work).

Quote:
 
as they inspire him to be more creative and artistic and in PE, he really likes doing running on the track team as he finds it a lot of fun and he still loves doing swimming as well to keep fit


Did he join the track team? I get the impression that he's just running track in PE class, but if he actually joined the team at some point I'd like it made explicit with reasons why, since you've said he doesn't like running with his peers.

Just sort these for me and we should be golden.

Pitches
Vanessa Stone was the second member of the softball team to arrive in the locker room that afternoon. Apart from a brief detour to grab her sports bag and catch up with BB to borrow her notes on the last math class, she’d made a straight shot for the changing rooms once the bell rang out. She’d missed the last practice, thanks to a bad cold that had kept her in bed all day, so she was looking forward to getting back in action and stretching out.

Right now, her top priority was working on her pitching. She still had her heart set on that coveted pitcher position, and whilst she was pretty confident in her ability to put some grease behind the ball, she still had to convince everyone else how much it would suit her. That, and she had to be able to back up her place too if she wanted the team to keep going strong, which she did.

There was the matter of the captain position that she wanted too, but that was in the bag by comparison. As far as she was concerned, she was a dedicated player and on good terms with more or less all of the team. Couple that with her pretty sick skills out on the field, and she was a shoe-in for the spot.

Georgia Lee, however, was someone on the team who would probably disagree with her suitability to be captain, with how well the two tended to get on. Vanessa tried, and failed, to supress an audible groan when she realised that there was no-one else in the room.

“Heeey, Georgie." she said, straining to force a smile and make it look like she wasn’t guessing the size of the stick up Georgia’s arse.

The Theatrics Formula
That afternoon on the whole was good fun for everyone involved. Sure the acting got a bit out of control at times, and there was a bit of a lull between scenes as they tried to come up with things to do, but everyone there seemed to enjoy themselves, so that was neat. It was a shame more people hadn’t shown up, though.

As the others left, Nate checked his watch. His mom would be home at that hour, and he still had a pretty packed evening ahead of him, so he headed in that direction without delay.

((Nate Turner continued in Mad Dewey Dash))

Take My Bones Away
What could Cameron do? Vanessa wished she knew. It wasn’t like there was a magic word that would fix everything for her, make her parents fall in love again and stay that way. It would be great if there was; life would be a lot simpler if that was the case. She could tell Cameron what she needed to hear, and everything would be ok again.

Life wasn’t like that though.

She exhaled, laid back, and looked up at the sky. On a clear night like this, there were stars as far as the eye could see, stretching through the black expanse. With the gentle sound of engines rumbling in the background, and the occasional call of the desert wildlife, there was an undeniable serenity to it all.

Perhaps that was the best she could offer Cameron right now.

“Let’s just sit here and get lost in the night.” She muttered, still staring up at the sky. With nothing that she could say to help, maybe the time to think and a friend next to her would help Cameron get where she needed to go.