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Brendan Harte
Good start, but we've still got a bit of work to do.

The biggest problem with the profile right now is that the timeline isn't ordered properly. Brendan's relationship with his father keeps swapping between being damaged and repairing itself throughout the profile, and since it's such a key factor in his life it makes the whole profile's timeline muddled and unclear. I would recommend going through the whole profile and looking for every mention of his relationship with his father, deciding what stage in Brendan's life this is occuring, then reordering as necessary to make sure that the profile's timeline flows smoothly.


Name: Brendan Harte
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Grade: 12th
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and interests: Swimming, reading, writing and running.

Appearance: Brendan is a very tall and a lanky teenager for his age. He is at the height of 6'4" and at the weight of 174Ibs, he does have a very muscular body due to swimming regularly. Brendan is a child of Asian-American descent, although his skin has a slight tan from swimming so much. Can I get a description of his skin tone? A slight tan could mean anything depending on what the base color is. He has an angled jawline and his lips are small and are always in a frowning position. His nose is slightly bent to the left side of his face and his eyes are emerald green and a rounded shape. His hair is very short, black and has slight curls at the bottom. He mostly has a clean face and he has a mole just under his left eye.

Brendan's wardrobe normally is whatever he wants to wear. Most of the time, he would be seen wearing a red hoodie, blue jeans, black t-shirts and sometimes in the winter, he would wear a black coat to keep himself warm. On the day of the trip, Brendan was wearing a plain black t-shirt, a grey hoodie, blue jeans and black sneakers.

Biography: Brendan Harte was born on July 29th, 1997, to Gregg Harte and Yoko Nagasaki. Yoko was a wild girl at a young age and she had a one-night stand with a gentle-hearted Gregg Harte. Yoko didn't tell Gregg of Brendan's birth until he was actually born and she left her son in Gregg's arms, saying that she could not deal with the responsibility of being a parent. Gregg wasn't sure what to do and he asked his parents to help him support his own child, which they did. Gregg had tried to pursue Yoko to help raise their son, but Yoko told him that she hadn't wanted a child at all and she refused to give Gregg any child support. Refusing to give child support is a serious matter, one that Yoko can’t simply do without consequences. I either need to see some evidence of these consequences, some justification of why she’s able to get away with it, or just have her pay child support. When Yoko left with her parents to France, Gregg was devastated that she wouldn't get to know her son. Why does he feel devastated about this? She clearly has no interest in knowing her child, and the current wording suggests that Gregg's feeling bad for her, rather than perhaps Brendan? As Brendan got older, he had wondered why he had no mother and he asked Gregg about his mother. Gregg broke the news that his mother had abandoned him and his father promised that he wouldn't abandon him. When is ‘older’? A kid is going to have a hugely differing reaction to this than a teenager, for instance. Brendan still feels upset and blames his father for not trying hard enough to stop his mother from leaving to this day. You say in the next paragraph that this is no longer the case, since Brendan now regrets holding a grudge against his father.

Brendan was mostly raised by his grandparents, Bernice and Gareth Harte, at a very young age and he was thankful for their love and support. Gregg tried to spend time with his son but he struggled as he was more focused on his work as a businessman ’businessman’ is a nonspecific umbrella term, I’d prefer to know what his actual job is. than his own son and Brendan just started to hate his own father and just think of him as a complete stranger. Brendan only told Gregg once that Bernice and Gareth are his real parents instead of him. Bernice and Gareth both became concerned with Brendan's behavior towards his own father and Gregg was sad over the fact that his own son was showing nothing complete hatred towards him. Brendan was more happy to visit his grandparents as he disliked being at home all alone. Again I need to know what age Brendan is here, because if he’s a kid he shouldn’t be alone in the first place, but if he’s a teenager then he’s going a very long time hating his dad. Bernice and Gareth both forced Brendan to spend time with his father at the swimming pool and they both had a fun time together. Brendan regrets holding a grudge against his own father, but they are now slowly getting along which makes Gregg and his parents all happy that Brendan's behavior is getting better.

At the age of seven, Bernice and Gareth took Brendan to his first swimming lesson and he absolutely enjoyed it. Swimming just made Brendan feel like he was free from all his worries and troubles in his life. He is worried that his father will one day break his promise, abandon him like his mother and realise his fear of being alone forever. At his lessons, Brendan managed to make a few friends despite his very shy and awkward behavior with other people. He continued to do this In this context ‘this’ refers to making friends, as it was the last topic covered. Do you mean making friends, or swimming? a lot with his grandparents and his friends and he was happy to have been introduced to his first hobby by them. He continues to love that sport to this very day.

Brendan wasn't very good at socializing with other kids in elementary or in middle school as he enjoyed to focus more time on himself and his small group of friends. The teachers had tried to get Brendan into working on subjects with other people or clubs but Brendan prefers to work more independently and he didn't really like clubs. Brendan was a student who was bullied easily since he wouldn't stand up to bullies due to his shy and clumsy nature. Once he tried to stand up to a bully and he ended up having his nose broken. He told his father about what happened and Gregg had that student expelled for hurting his son. Gregg doesn’t have the authority to have students expelled for getting into fights, so I need this changed. Brendan was too scared to get hurt again and he didn't have the courage to stand up to other bullies. Because of his cowardly nature, his friends got tired of how he was acting and they abandoned him. Brendan felt so betrayed by his friends' actions and it caused him to break down in his father's arms. Gregg and his parents tried their best to cheer Brendan up. How? Were they successful? You’ve set up the action here but I want to see the result too.

Brendan sometimes liked to be alone in his own little world thanks to his father buying him books to read if he was bored of watching TV at home. Brendan would always bury his head into books that piqued his interest which were mostly crime and mystery novels. As he continued to read books, he started to write his own short stories at the age of thirteen. He mostly liked to write his stories of the romance and horror genres. However, he was never satisfied when he has his villains killed off in the end, but he still enjoys his time of coming up with ideas in his own controlled world on paper. He tries to make his villains have happy endings but he notices that they never get to be with the one that they love. So he just continues to make the heroes win or he will just leave some of his stories at a cliffhanger. Considering that these are his stories, I’m still wondering why he doesn’t just write what he wants to happen. Is there an underlying reason he writes against how he’d like things to go? He also has kept his writing a secret from his father and his grandparents as he is afraid that they won't like his stories. Brendan dreams of one day becoming a famous author.

Other than swimming, Brendan had always loved running around on his own to keep himself fit and to let him think about what he wants to do with his life. Brendan is sad that he can't do this activity with his grandparents. However, he is pleased when his father sometimes does go with him on jogs to spend time talking with him about rebuilding their relationship more. How old is Brendan here? Again, I need a clear picture of the timeline of his relationship with his father. However, he doesn't like to do it with other classmates at school.

Brendan never really thought of exploring what kind of sexuality that he would have at the age of sixteen, that is until he met Bernadette Thomas, who became his first crush and friend at Cochise High School. However, when he discovered that she had a boyfriend, he decided to try to focus on being friends with her and he secretly cheers for her to be happy with the one that she loves. Brendan discovered that he is bisexual after he has an accidental kiss with a male student and he is still interested in both sexes. I’m not sure what this is trying to say. He was already interested in both sexes, but then he accidentally kissed a dude and realised he was still interested in both sexes, so he’s bisexual? I think you’d be better off coming up with a better justification for how he realised he was bi, because at the moment it seems that he decided it after one unintentional kiss, which isn’t really realistic. This doesn't necesarily mean some special event has to happen to make him realise that he's bi, just that it should probably take a bit more time and introspection to realise. However, he is afraid of having a romantic relationship as he is worried that it will end up as badly as his parents' relationship. Brendan has told his father and his grandparents of his bisexuality and they are very supportive of his sexuality.

It's good that he has a friend in Bernadette, but I'd like to hear about his relationship with other students at the school too. Is he still very shy and withdrawn? Does he have any friends at all besides Bernadette? Is he still friends with the kids from swimming? Does he see them outside of swimming at all, or school if they go to Cochise?

Brendan's grades at Cochise have been unsatisfying to him, as he found out that he has been failing in his two least favorite subjects, math and science. Brendan has forced himself to study harder for those subjects and he has asked his father to get him a tutor to help him with those two subjects. His favorite subject, English, is of the grade of an A and in art, his grade is that of a B. He is also doing very well in the subject of PE as well. Achieving what grade? Brendan does not plan to go to college and he is going to get a job. He is still planning on becoming an author. I’d still like to know what Brendan likes about his favorite subjects and dislikes about his least favorites.

Advantages: Brendan will be very supportive of any of his friends due to his kind and gentle nature, Nothing in the profile suggests that he’s kind or gentle, just shy. I need justification for this advantage. his endurance could help him out of a sticky situation, he is very independent and he could make allies very easily due to his shyness and his kindness. Shyness would presumably make it harder to make friends, not easier. Also, again, no mention in the profile of him being kind.
Disadvantages: Brendan had a lot of trust issues, he doesn't have many friends, he can be very cowardly and he is an easy target for bullies.


Post here when you've made the changes and I'll give Brendan another look.

SOTF's Tenth Anniversary
And it's all thanks to the hard work and enthusiasm of the members that the site's been around for so long. Kudos, everybody!

A Wild Beard Appears; A Pathfinder Experience
I was like, 50% hp at my worst.

The Theatrics Formula
Nate pulled a shocked face at the turn of events, though it was only part acting and more actual surprise. A robbery had never even crossed his mind when he was trying to come up with a scene, and now here he was at the end of a finger gun barrel! Point to Jane for coming up with it!

He threw his hands up in the air, praying not to be shot in his store that he’d looked after all these years. Who would look after all his customers and sell them their bargain priced deals, or take care of cleaning the aisles and stocking the shelves? Who would look after his family?!

“No! No no no!” he pleaded, looking back and forth between the cash register and the crook that wanted his hard earned cash.

“Please!” he said to the robber, eyes darting around in hopes that maybe someone outside the store, such as a blonde woman with a talent for singing, was seeing everything and calling the police right now. Or that maybe some brave soul inside the shop itself was sneaking up behind the crook with a bottle of whisky ($25) to whack them over the head with and save the day. Anything to get him out of this mess!

He felt his eyes welling up with dry tears. Not today, not on his son’s birthday of all days!

Take My Bones Away
Vanessa stared at Cameron as her news sunk in. So this was the big deal, huh? Her parents were splitting up for real this time, no fake, no last minute kiss and make up?

No wonder she was so torn up. The last time this had happened had been bad enough, especially when Vanessa found out what Cameron did to herself over it, but that had at least worked itself out. This time, who could say? Cam's parents had never had a storybook marriage, and everyone got divorced these days. It made sense, in a sad way.

She imagined herself in Cameron’s situation. Mom comes up to her room, tells them that Dad’s not coming home anymore. Or maybe Dad’s the one who breaks the news? Either way, her parents weren’t an item after that. Yet, they barely saw each other as it was these days, would it be that big a deal for her to find out that her own parents were splitting up?

Still, she knew her parents relationship was drastically different from Cameron’s, and it probably felt even worse when you were used to both mom and dad being around all day everyday. Maybe or not, Cameron and she weren’t the same people when it came to big news like this or how they reacted to it. She was full of sympathy, but had no way to express it without coming off as clueless about what was going on in Cameron’s heart.

“Well, that sucks.”

She was still going to try though, as they sat together in the desert under the light of the silver moon.

Brendan Harte
Hi Primrosette, sorry about the wait for this critique. Brad is DENIED pending some revision.

The name of the game in this critique is detail: I want to know more about Brad.

Name: Brendan "Brad" Harte
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Grade: 12th
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and interests: Swimming, reading, writing, privacy and running. Privacy is not a hobby/interest, it’s just something he likes, so it doesn’t need to be in this list.

Appearance: Brendan is a very tall and a lanky teenager for his age. He is at the height of 6'4" and at the weight of 174Ibs, he does have a bit of muscle on his biceps and his thighs. If Brad's been swimming regularly for most of his life, he probably should have a muscled body in general rather than just these two particular places. Swimming's a nice workout for the whole body, after all. Brendan is a child of Asian-American descent, although his skin has a slight tan from swimming so much. He has an angled jawline and his lips are small and are always in a frowning position. His nose is slightly bent to the left side of his face and his eyes are a striking emerald green. Remove ‘striking’: we want profiles to have an objective tone. I wouldn’t mind knowing the shape of his eyes, too. His hair is very short, black and has slight curls at the bottom. He mostly has a clean face and he has a mole just under his left eye.

Brendan's wardrobe normally is whatever he wants to wear. Most of the time, he would be seen wearing a red hoodie, blue jeans, black t-shirts and sometimes in the winter, he would wear a black coat to keep himself warm. On the day of the trip, Brendan was wearing a plain black t-shirt, a grey hoodie, blue jeans and black sneakers.

Biography: Brendan 'Brad' Harte was born on July 29th, 1997, to Gregg Harte and Yoko Nagasaki. Yoko was a wild girl at a young age and she had a one-night stand with a gentle-hearted Gregg Harte. Yoko didn't tell Gregg of Brendan's birth until he was actually born and she left her son in Gregg's arms, saying that she could not deal with the responsibility of being a parent. Gregg wasn't sure what to do and he asked his parents to help him support his own child, which they did. Did Gregg not pursue Yoko for any kind of child support? Has Brad not expressed any interest in making contact with his mother? If not, why not? What has Gregg told Brad about his mother? There are a lot of questions here stemming from the fact that Yoko abandons her child at the first opportunity.

Brendan was mostly raised by his grandparents, Bernice and Gareth Harte, at a very young age and he was actually thankful for their love and support. ’Actually’ implies there’s some reason he wouldn’t be thankful. Is there such a reason? Gregg tried to spend time with his son but he struggled as he was more focused on work than his own son What is Gregg’s occupation? and Brendan just started to hate his own father and just think of him as a complete stranger. Brendan only told Gregg once that Bernice and Gareth are his real parents instead of him. Did his grandparents not try to repair this relationship at all? Does Brad still hold a grudge against his father? How does Gregg feel about the resentment he’s getting from the son he didn’t plan for? Also, did Brad live with his grandparents or just visit them a lot?

At the age of seven, Bernice and Gareth took Brendan to his first swimming lesson and he absolutely enjoyed it. Swimming just made Brendan feel like he was free from all his worries and troubles in his life. What kind of worries and troubles is Brad stressing about at seven? If it's about Gregg, did he feel distant from his dad even at this young age? He continued to do this a lot with his grandparents and he was happy to have been introduced to his first hobby by them. He continues to love that sport to this very day.

Brendan didn't really socialize with any kids in elementary or in middle school as he enjoyed to focus more time on himself and his own needs. Did the school not express any concern at his antisocial behaviour? No effort to get him to integrate more? What did the other students think about this? Brendan doesn't really others other than just his grandparents. This sentence doesn’t make sense and needs a rewrite. Brendan is the loner type who actually loves being alone in his own peaceful world. Brendan would always bury his head into books that piqued his interest which were mostly crime and mystery novels. As he continued to read more books, he started to write his own short stories at the age of thirteen. However, he was never satisfied when he has his villains killed off in the end, but he still enjoys his time of coming up with his own controlled world in paper. Has he tried to do anything to be more satisfied? Keeping the villain around, or such? They’re his stories, after all.

Other than swimming, Brendan had always loved running around on his own to keep himself fit and to let him think about what he wants to do with his life. However, he doesn't like to do it with other classmates at school and he feels like they could ruin his image of his alone time of running.

Brendan never thought of exploring what kind of sexuality that he would have at the age of sixteen and he didn't really care what kind of person people would think he was into. Brendan isn't interested in relationships with boys and girls. He only thinks that they would end up badly like his parents' relationship did. Brendan had recently thought of himself as an asexual in his mind.

Brendan's grades at Cochise have been good recently. Were they not before? Why not? He had been making sure to study in the library and taking notes that he'll know that he would need in the future. Any reason he started doing this? His grades are B’s and B-‘s in English and art. Although, His most stressful subject is math and he refuses to ask anyone for help, not even his grandparents. Why?

His supposedly good grades (B’s and B-‘s aren’t bad but not necessarily great either) are only covered in two subjects; does he not do as well in others? Does he do better? I’d prefer a more general description than how specific we are here.

Advantages: Brendan will only be supportive of those that he thinks can help him, There’s no indiciation in the profile that Brad’s supportive of anyone, period, so this advantage isn’t justified. It’s also more of a disadvantage to begin with, since being selective with who you help isn’t necessarily going to keep you alive. his intelligence could make him more level-headed and good at coming up with plans Nothing in the profile suggests that Brad is above average intelligence (his grades are pretty middle of the road, and that’s the only thing that alludes to any smarts in the profile) and intelligence doesn't necessarily equate to being level headed. and his agility could help him out of a sticky situation. I’d say he’s got more endurance than agility from running and swimming.
Disadvantages: Brendan has a lot of trust issues, he is very anti-social, he doesn't have any friends and he may rub people the wrong way by his attitude and mistakes. What mistakes? Also, the ellipses aren’t necessary.


So the main thing we need out of Brad is a lot more detail. I want to know about:
-His personality. If we removed mention that Brad’s a loner, there’s not really much personality leftover. I want to know more about his mind set and approach to life.
-His interactions with other pupils at school. Even if he doesn’t like them, completely avoiding everybody isn’t healthy. What do the other students think of this? What do his grandparents or father make of it? Has no-one tried to get him to integrate more, and why’s he so adamant on resisting all attempts to socialise? At the moment Brad comes off as just wanting to spend every waking moment of his life that isn’t with his grandparents by himself, and that’s a bit over the top. Considering that SOTF is all about interacting with other students, this is a really important thing that we need to get sorted.
-His relationship with his family. They’re not mentioned very much after the third paragraph, but they’re also his only relationships. His grandparents can’t be particularly involved in his hobbies, since the non-story ones are quite physical, so what does he do with them? What about his father?
-His interests at school and ambitions for the future. I’m assuming he’s good at English and art since you specified those (Why art in particular? Is it an interest of his?), but what subjects does he actually like? Why? Same for subjects he dislikes. I'm assuming he should be good at PE since he spends a lot of time running and swimming, so is this the case? Has he not had any interest in joining the clubs related to his hobbies at school? Also, what does he aim to do after school? He is a senior now, after all.

Post here when you've made the changes and added the info, and I'll give Brad another look.

Conrad Harrod
APPROVED

Conrad Harrod
Much better, but we've still got a few bits that need some work.

Quote:
 
While Conrad often tried to persuade his parents to listen to him and make a compromise, it always failed, which angered Conrad.


Quote:
 
This was mainly due to him feeling more comfortable hanging out with his friends than playing with his siblings.


Quote:
 
He also was a fan of sleepovers and getting to know new people, as he felt that he barely knew anything about his classmates.


Quote:
 
He sees some basketballers there as his role model, though that varies depending on which time.


Do you mean which player? Which time he's watching the playoffs? I can't quite grasp what the situational context here is meant to be.

Quote:
 
as it was annoying when the glasses, he had since the 4th grade, fell off or even broke while playing basketball.


Remove the commas in this bit.

Quote:
 
He also sees the team as more relaxing than trying to compete against his brother though, as he is aware that, while he is a good swimmer, there are many more swimmers that are even better than him. While he knew that he could outswim his brother, he also knew that he could try to compete with the others after some training.


I still don't get why he finds the team more relaxing. From this context, it sounds like he wants to outperform everybody, including the people that are better than him, so wouldn't that have the opposite effect of being relaxing? If anything, it should be quite stimulating.


As for the disadvantages section:

If you're keeping diabetes then don't remove the associated disadvantage all together, since losing his medication for it would still impact him in a bad way.

I would also like to see another disadvantage or two, as both of the ones he currently has boil down to "he might not want to start killing people (But who can really say for sure? ;) )" so they're not super strong disadvantages by themselves.


Let me know when you've made these edits and we'll keep the critique train rolling~

Take My Bones Away
Vanessa’s focus moved back and forth between watching the road and looking at Cameron out of the corner of her eye. It was a quiet night, little traffic, so she could direct her attention towards her friend as the driving instincts kept her jeep going on cruise control.

Cameron's silence wasn’t unusual, and Vanessa was used to it. This was part of Cameron’s process: the digesting, the healing, getting through her emotions and sifting through everything that was wrong inside. She hated seeing her friend go through that, seeing her BFF having to deal with it all by herself, but she was no therapist; the best she could do was just be there for her and make sure she didn’t do anything that would hurt her even more.

“Sure.” she replied simply to Cameron’s request, making a left turn to head towards the town’s outskirts. She still didn’t know what was actually wrong, and the uncertainty was just making her more nervous by the minute. Her phone had already buzzed in her pocket, no doubt a text from her mom asking just what the hell was going on and what did she think she was doing running out at 9 o’clock on a school night, but that would have to wait for now. She’d let her mom know when she knew.

The silhouette of Kingman against the desert skyline began to grow distant in the rear view window, as Vanessa drove along the road she’d taken with the band many times before. They’d go to the spot they usually hung out at when they needed some inspiration, start a fire, and just deal with this.

A Wild Beard Appears; A Pathfinder Experience
*Laughs at the paladin being on fire*

"A blessing for luck."

Super Dangan Mafia 2 Game Thread
I'm not sure, are we going to lynch Doc?

The Theatrics Formula
Jane seemed to have more or less taken charge of the meeting at this point, and Nate was happy to follow her lead. He found himself stepping into the middle of the circle, looking between the girls to see who was going to join him first.

“I can start us off, I have an idea in my head anyway.” He said, just looking again to make sure no-one was going to object to him getting the ball rolling.

Yes, no, please, banana. Easy to remember, easy to work with. Well, maybe easy was overstating it, but he’d got a decent idea for how he wanted the scene to go in his head. He had to be prepared for Jane or Coleen, depending who joined him first (or maybe both?) to take the scene in a different direction, but wasn’t that the point of the whole exercise?

Placing himself in his imagined role, he began to mime stacking boxes and playing with a cash register. He had no clue if what he was trying to do was obvious to the girls, but hopefully when one of them joined to greet him the scene would become more transparent. Or maybe the girls would just completely misinterpret what he was trying to do, and they’d get a whole new scene. Or maybe they'd take it from an angle he hadn't even thought of all together.

Conrad Harrod
Hi RC! Conrad’s a good start, but DENIED pending some revision.

For the most part Conrad’s issues are in the phrasing, with a few areas requiring elaboration.

Name: Conrad Timothy Harrod
Gender: Male
Age: 19 Why is Conrad 19? There’s no mention of him being held back, so he should be 17 or 18.
Grade: 12
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and Interests: Rhetorics, Rhetorics isn’t really a hobby; in this context it’s more just a speech device that Conrad likes. swimming, socializing, basketball, Student Council Politics should be on this list.

Appearance: Conrad is a 5'11" tall boy and weighs 154 pounds. His build is tall and slender with muscles, which runs in his family. How can he be slender and have muscles at the same time? Perhaps you mean to say he has tight muscles (but isn’t slender if that’s the case)? He has blue eyes and his hair is sandy blond. In addition to his straight curtained-to-the-sides hair he has thin bangs that usually hang in front of him, without blocking his vision. Conrad possesses a short, pointed nose. Conrad's face is long and he has thin blond eyebrows. He also is clean-shaved and washes his face every morning.

Eye shape, mouth shape and jaw shape would be great. I'd also like to know Conrad's skin tone.

Conrad usually wears comfortable t-shirts What sort of t-shirts? Plain colors? Ones with designs? along with jeans. He also wears eye contacts instead of glasses. On abduction day he wore a brown polo shirt along with blue jeans and green sneakers.

Biography: Conrad Timothy Harrod was born to Reginald David Harrod, a banker, and Meredith Harrod, a middle school French teacher, in Kingman, Arizona. He grew up with an older sister, Deborah, and two younger brothers, Robert and Henry.

His 3 year older sister Deborah liked to take care of him, No comma when he was a baby, and played with her baby brother as she grew up. In fact, Reginald David and Meredith encouraged her to take care of her brother. How? She’s only three years older than a baby, so what are they expecting her to do? Conrad really liked Deborah and often tried to get her on his side for support, No comma if he got into an argument with his parents or younger brothers. He also trusted her and asked for advice, No comma when he had problems. As he grew up, No comma he still sometimes asked for her advice, although it was not always welcome, especially as he was bothering her during the time when she was dealing with school problems. What problems?

Conrad and his 2 years younger brother Henry often got into beef This is a bit too slang for the profile, I’d prefer a different wording. in their childhood, most of the time when they played games together, or rather when they competed against each other during these games. The games varied from video games to sport activities to board games. Conrad also acted as if he knew better than Henry. Henry often reacted with a loud voice to Conrad's comments, which often annoyed him.

Robert, Conrad's 4 years younger brother, on the contrary was a quiet child whom Conrad enjoyed spending time with much more. Robert often avoided playing games with Henry as he was not nice to Robert, but he enjoyed spending time with Conrad as he took care of him, taking Robert’s side when they argued with Henry. Conrad also was fond of reading books to Robert, like Deborah did for Conrad. Sometimes, Conrad also would tell his younger siblings or other friends fictional stories he invented himself.

When the Harrods got into an argument, the parents acted strict, No comma without meeting half-way with their kids. When they banned television for a week, it was banned for a week. Don’t need this example; it makes the tone sound more casual. While Conrad often tries to persuade his parents to listen to him and make a compromise, it always fails, which angers Conrad. When these arguments that are one-sided are happening, Conrad dislikes his parents and tries to show it by being unfriendly to them, which leads to even more arguments. These two lines are present tense but you go back to past tense afterwards, so just change it so the whole paragraph is past tense. But after having tried to argue with his parents several times and it having never worked, he soon got used to it and he tried to argue less. As he had negative feelings about his parents during and after these arguments and positive ones when there were none, his relationship to his parents got better and he began to understand his parents when he grew up.

He was a talkative kid, which could on one hand amuse the other family members and friends, but also could annoy them. As an elementary student he barely knew when to be silent and when not. Due to not knowing the line between talking too much or not, he has sometimes leaked secrets he wasn't supposed to say. For example, he once told the teacher that another classmate did not make their homework, which lead to conflicts and also unpopularity and avoidance. It was worse when that occurred within their house. When he once told his parents that Henry destroyed a toy of Robert's, it created a long phase of beef Again this term is too casual, use a different word please. between them. Due to the conflicts occurring after him talking too much, he got rid of the habit of talking too much, but was still a talkative fellow, though not talking about everything, as he now knows the difference between secret and non-secret information that should be talked about and soon his family and his friends began to trust him again. This last sentence runs on a lot, so it could do with a rewrite to break it up.

One night, when he was a 2nd grader, he woke up, while feeling hot and thirsty. Worried about that he claimed that he felt sick, his parents took him to the doctor and they recognised that he had diabetes type I. This caused Conrad to deal with a new schedule for his daily life. While the change at first was unusual and not comfortable for him, he soon adapted the diabetes and the hospital appointments into his daily life. And he got used to it like when he got his glasses.

This whole paragraph is problematic for several reasons. For one, it’s the only mention of diabetes in the entire profile until the disadvantage at the end, so it feels like it’s only there to pad out disadvantages right now. Also, whilst diabetes can occur in children suddenly and quickly, there still tends to be a few days or weeks to the process rather than it just shows up overnight. I also think that describing adapting to a life-afflicting condition like diabetes on the same level as reacting to needing glasses probably isn’t the way to go. To be honest, I think you’d be better off just removing diabetes from the profile all together, but if you’re going to keep it then I need more than just one paragraph.

When did he start wearing glasses anyway?


His parents sent him and his siblings to a local swimming club weekly when Conrad was in the 6th grade. Robert was not interested in swimming and had trouble in learning new techniques, but his parents made him continue swimming, No comma until he improved. Deborah was successful at swimming and used it as an exercise, but found no enjoyment in it. Henry, however, was a good swimmer, No comma who had fun at swimming. Conrad also liked to swim and he and Henry were often competitive with each other. In contrast to the competition at home, it was more light-hearted and they got closer there, as they had fun trying to outswim and outdive outdive isn't a word each other.

Outside of spending his time with his family, he enjoyed visiting friends to play games with them. Since then, he began to value friendship much and think that friends are very important in life. Furthermore, he tried to befriend with more people he had barely interacted with in school before and began to be more open with whom to befriend. This doesn’t quite make sense: nothing seemed to prompt him to start thinking friends were important: visiting friends to play games with them just seemed like a normal habit. What’s causing this sudden epiphany about the magic of friendship?

Basketball was Conrad's favourite game in PE in middle school and he had fun playing it. He enjoyed tried different tactics and it being a team sport, which made him feel more important in the game. He enjoyed it that much that he joined the basketball team, as it was his favourite PE game, but also to socialise more. This sentence doesn’t make sense, and could do with a rewrite since I’m not actually sure what you’re trying to say here. To expand his social circle and to be able to talk more to the other players in his team, he began to watch basketball games to talk to other members about them, but this primarily happened during the NBA playoffs. Does he actually enjoy watching these games? Why? Him starting to visit the basketball club every week as well as playing it in his free time with his friends is also the primary reason he uses eye contacts instead of glasses, as it was annoying when the glasses fell off or even broke while playing basketball.

When Conrad joined Cochise High School, he also joined the swimming team. He liked to swim, even though his brother is not with him on the team This makes it sound like Conrad doesn’t’ enjoy swimming if it’s not with Henry. Is this the case? and he saw that as an opportunity to socialise and show off his skills. He also sees the team as more relaxing than trying to compete against his brother, No comma though, as he is aware that, while he is a good swimmer, there are many more swimmers that are even better than him. Why does this make it more relaxing for him? His parents also approved of Conrad joining the basketball club and swimming team without their suggestion, showing them that he knows what he is doing. Knows what he’s doing in regards to what?

He also has a side-job as a tutor to gain some money for his savings. His clients are often underclassmen who don't understand some subjects and Conrad's subjects he helps in are maths, English and French. But He also tries to help his classmates to help to understand some things, -No comma- if they demand it, mostly for free. though. He also sees volunteering at an old people's home as an opportunity to enrich his CV. While he experienced hardships there and did not enjoy the time there at first, he considered it rude to quit without a real reason. But after helping out there, he got used to the atmosphere there and continued to work there. In case his friends also offer him work to volunteer in, he insists to help as well. It also gives himself the impression of being important and helpful. Why did he start volunteering at the retirement home in the first place? If it was an effort to pad out his CV, why did he volunteer there specifically?

Due to his talkative and open nature, Conrad is quite popular and has a lot of friends. Conrad values a good reputation, which he tries to achieve with his friendly attitude and him befriending with people. He acts very polite and caring towards everybody and often reconsiders actions he plans to do. For example, he hates it when people talk behind his back. This example doesn’t fit him being considerate about his actions. He often thinks about what he'll say and do to others and therefore also does not talk negatively about others behind their back to avoid backlash. He also despises people who gossip, although he does not stop them, No comma but rather shrugs it off, though angered, instead of confronting them, No comma even if it is about him. He generally also tries to avoid making enemies easily, and if it happens that others dislike him, No comma he tries to keep a cool head. If he'd be mean to others, it'd damage his reputation, which he doesn't want to risk. He also does not like to refuse to help others and tries to help if he can and has time. He also enjoys to spend his spare time with other people, especially friends.

In school he excelled and was very interested in language subjects, such as English and French, but also history, where he's an A student. He liked to analyse speeches there and was generally very structured about writing the analyses. He was interested in how the speakers could convince the audience with using rhetorical devices. This also lead to him being more invested in poems during class as they also could deliver a message with the use of the language. You’re not going to find a lot of poetry in history class, which is what seems to be the case with the current sentence structure. This amazed him and when dealing with poetry in class, he tries to interpret the message behind the words and he often tells his classmates his interpretation of the poem during class. Although this did not lead to Conrad investing his free time more with poems, Why? except maybe for lyrics he finds in songs when he hears them on his cellphone or on the radio, it lead to Conrad listening to more speeches. He became more politically interested and active. When he finds out about a demonstration regarding a subject he approves of, he goes there. When he has a strong opinion on a subject, he shares it on social media. However, in person, his opinion on subjects change, depending on the people he talks with. Has this ever cause an issue where he says one thing on social media but then people hear him saying something else? How does he handle such an issue? If it doesn't come up, what steps does he take to make sure that's the case? He is politically indecisive and tries to balance the arguments the different positions have. In general, he is indecisive, even if he has a strong opinion on something; he does not try to offend anyone and avoids debating with other seriously about his own opinion. Despite not seeing himself as a good debater, he is a member of the student council. As he represents the voice of the whole student body, he feels more comfortable there, debating about the opinion of most students, instead of his own ones.

Otherwise in school, Conrad is pretty average, getting B’s in other subjects, with the exception of science classes, where he also got C’s. He keeps concentrating in class, so he could also explain it to his classmates in case they didn't, and tries to participate every lesson. What’s holding his grade down if he’s trying to make sure he understands the material (and must be having some success if he can still tutor and help his classmates) and he’s also working hard in in class?

When Deborah moved out to study architecture, Conrad felt more responsible and mature, as he was the eldest sibling in the house, but also began to worry about his future. He was indecisive about what to study and what job to get, but after researching for universities and with the advice of his sister, who he has almost daily contact with via cellphone or social media, he decided to study a language or linguistics. Besides, Etymologies helped him to remember French vocabularies and they also interested him. While native Mojave language seemed interesting, he preferred to learn more about romantic languages as he already learned French. He also considers studying Chinese as that would be an advantage at getting an international job. His mother, whom he often asked for help when studying French, supported his idea of studying linguistics or sinology. After finishing studying, he wants to become a teacher or, even better, a professor. Does he want to do this internationally? I ask since he’s considering Chinese because it improves his international prospects, after all.

Conrad still likes to help his younger siblings, although due to him being busy, No comma they sometimes bother him, which is why he prefers to spend his time without his siblings. An exception would be times where he has lots of free time, for example vacations or weekends. But even then, if disturbed while he is busy, Conrad would react unfriendly and sometimes harsh. He still likes his siblings, though he often states to friends or the siblings themselves that they are annoying.

What’s his relationship with his father? For the most part he’s just seemed to be part of a duo with his mother; I want to know what Conrad’s relationship with him specifically is like.

Advantages: His training in swimming and basketball has given him physical advantages. He also is able to speak with an attitude to other people, No comma that might be able to persuade. Nothing says he’s persuasive, since you’ve stated outright that he’s not a good debater. He does however have diplomatic powers, so try to work that in instead. Him being friendly with many and having a good reputation could help him at allying with others.
Disadvantages: He's worried about his reputation, which could hinder him at killing. Furthermore, his close connection to other students, No comma could hinder him at killing them. Him being diabetic put him at a risk at falling into a diabetic coma. This is a pretty extreme outcome of being a diabetic in this situation, even though it’s plausible. Maybe just say that he’ll be in trouble if he loses his medicine instead, if you decide to keep his diabetes and justify it more.


Post here when you've made these changes and I'll give Conrad another look.

Super Dangan Mafia 2 Game Thread
To be honest I feel like Doc's making a lot of reliances on AtE's and saying one thing whilst doing another. He goes on about how bad flavour claims are but he was still one of the first to do it, and it doesn't really make much sense to me to come forward as not having one if he didn't consider himself to have any value. Wouldn't it be better to just not jump the gun and see how things play out first?

Maybe I'm being a bit quick on the gun here, but I do think Doc's being quite contradictory this phase.

Vote: DuckyB

Super Dangan Mafia 2 Game Thread
Not to gloat Ducky but for someone who's so vehemently opposed to the flavor claiming now, you were one of the first people to be doing so and trying and examine what it could mean. Sure you were saying you didn't like it back then too, but you were still doing it. That's a bit two faced, isn't it?

LoL Thread, PRESEASON edition: MORE DOTS MORE DOTS
What is death can you peck it

Super Dangan Mafia 2 Game Thread
Unpy
 
So I think it's safe to say that if a player knows who they are, they're not your basic vanilla townie, and otherwise, you are. With that adjustment, and a future comment by Frogue, we have MW, Vyse, and Frogue themself as confirmed townies already. Nice.


Would you mind explaining your logic here, Unpy? I'm not quite following it.

Take My Bones Away
Vanessa had been mentally rehearsing what she’d do to get to the bottom of the situation when Cameron’s text came through, so she wasted no time in grabbing her things and heading down the stairs towards the front door.

“Going out Mom, Cam’s got an emergency!” she shouted to the living room, and was already out the house before she could be ambushed, forced to deliver an explanation and then get shut down. She wasn’t always running out on school nights until God knows when, so whatever crisis her best friend was going through definitely warranted a green light from her mom, whether she agreed or not.

The cold air bit into Vanessa’s bare shoulders, but seeing Cameron’s distraught face stung far, far more. She looked at Cameron, wanting to just suck in all her sadness and make her feel better right then and there. Maybe if she was the hugging type she’d have grabbed her to let her know that it was ok, that she was there for her.

Since she wasn’t the hugging type though, she instead offered her the warmest smile she could and jingled her keys.

“Come on, let’s drive.”

New V5 Reduced Activity Notices
Going to be off my computer again from later today through Sunday, and will be at a wedding for the bulk of Saturday. Ergo expect low activity from me until then (though not zero since I should still have some laptop access).

Super Dangan Mafia 2 Game Thread
The Burned Handler
Jun 4 2015, 02:16 PM
We don't know anything so any voting this round is a bunch of random flailing - I don't like random flailing. Abstaining from the Day 1 vote.
I'd normally agree with this EXCEPT we actually know the mafia can communicate on day one in this game.

Quote:
 
There will be a dead chat, and there is a mafia chat (which can be used day 1 and every night after that).


Which is nice because it means there will actually be less random flailing than usual, and more people subtely trying to get everyone killed in sync.