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Daniel "Danny" Brooks
APPROVED

The Theatrics Formula
Nate found himself smiling bashfully as Irene sung praises of his improv skills. ‘Legendary’ was probably overstating it, and it’s not like he did it deliberately or anything; it was just a coping tool for him, after all. Still, he didn’t mind the praise.

“I mean, Jane’s thing does sound fun and all.” He didn’t lie as debate over which scene passed between the club members, since he actually had a few ideas on how to spin the four words already. It wasn’t as if he could only use improv to save face when he tripped on a line and nothing else.

“And it’s not that I don’t think it’d be a great soliloquy,” he turned to Coleen “but it’s a soliloquy after all. Maybe we could do it later?” He was trying to be diplomatic, but truthfully it sounded a little heavy, particularly without the scene’s whole context. Maybe if he’d seen the movie it’d come across as more appealing, but listening to a dying soldier just seemed like it might be a bit of a downer to start off on.

He looked down at the script in his hand again. It’s not like they couldn’t do his scene later too, and it wouldn’t be fair to ask Coleen to wait and then insist on doing what he wanted. Besides, he still needed to read the intro over a few more times before he could claim to be ready to do it in front of the rest of the club.

“I’d be alright to do Jane’s first.” Nate half-shrugged, still keeping an eye on Coleen in the hope that she didn't look too disappointed. “We could always start now and then start again if someone shows up.” He found himself glancing at the door as he spoke, as if someone would respond to the cue and enter the scene.

Bart Cappotelli
APPROVED

Bart Cappotelli
I'd feel a lot better about approving Bart if he had one more interest. He must do something to unwind when he's not working on his animation or stories or discussing his animations or stories or watching cartoons to get ideas for animating or stories, and I can't imagine the only thing he likes to do instead is to look up ancient legends and tales. Just give me one more interest that's apart from animation and stories and I'm sure Bart will be golden.

Bart Cappotelli
Bart's looking a lot better, but I'm still feeling that his life revolves around a single hobby.

At the moment mythology feels a bit tacked on, considering it only gets two lines, plus it would seem like it would have a lot of synergy with his writing. Does he relate his mythology interest to his creative projects? I could easily see the two meshing together. If not, why not? If so, how? It could use a little bit more expansion.

I'd really suggest you give Bart one more interest, something more displaced from animation and storytelling, just so that he's nice and broad (not a fat joke promise).

Matthew "Matt" Moradi
APPROVED

The Theatrics Formula
Nate was in the middle of dragging a desk into position, showing little trouble with the task compared to Coleen, when she threw the name Summertree at him. He returned her a blank look, as the title sailed clearly over his head.

“I don’t know that one. What’s it about?” he asked, aiming the question a little towards Jane too, since she seemed to know more about it. He looked to Irene as well, though he didn’t want to find out that everyone besides himself knew what Coleen was talking about. Hopefully it was just some obscure movie which there was no reason for him to know about, and he wouldn’t have to feel out of touch or uninformed, or stupid.

It was nice of Irene to show up, though her intention not to stick around wasn’t surprising. He’d known her long enough to know that she followed her whims to a T, and that being flighty and being Irene were one and the same. He had to admit that he admired her confidence in her approach to life, though, and if nothing else she was a nice enough person.

As the circle of chairs came closer to completion, Nate found his focus shifting between the three girls. Their pieces for the meeting sounded great too, really, but he still quietly hoped they could do the one that he’d brought. It wasn’t that they didn’t sound fun, because they did (although Coleen’s soliloquy did seem like it would lead to a lot of lines, but at least he’d have a script), but he really wanted the chance to get the narration right for his own scene, just to show to himself that he could.

New Official V5 Away Thread
Handler: Slam
Dates Away: May 26th - May 28th
Days Away: 2
Reason for Away: Visited home to discover that my laptop has borked itself when I wasn't looking, leaving me without regular internet access. Mum's laptop is available for my use intermittently, but don't go hoping for any super fast posting or critiqueing until I'm back on the PC.
Characters: Nate Turner, Vanessa Stone

Matthew "Matt" Moradi
Nearly! Just a few small things to fix up:

Quote:
 
Biography: Matthew Abdullah Moradi was born to Ahmad Moradi and Hester Moradi


Biography still needs to be bolded.

Quote:
 
Matt's voice started changing, his skin became greasier and was soon covered in acne.


A comma would work better there than a semicolon, which is what's in the profile now.

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Bullying started, something Matt was helpless to stop due to his lack of physical strength.


Add that comma to help break up the sentence. Also, why would a lack of physical strength matter? You've said later in the paragraph that the bulling was verbal rather than physical, so unless he wants to beat them up in response I'm not sure his strength should be the issue here. Perhaps he just lacks the confidence to speak up against them?

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before, he had mostly used it for the news before that.


The first before is redundant, you can just remove it.

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way history seems to tell a story.Matt often studies history,


Missing a space after the full stop.


Just fix those up for me and Matt should be good to go!

Take My Bones Away
Vanessa was lounging back in her room, strumming along on her guitar to the tune of Money Changes Everything as a blank notepad next to a sheet of homework sat on one side of her desk, and the skype window on her laptop blinked at her from the other. BB was trying to send her another ‘experimental’ piece, so on the whole there was very little incentive for her to put down the guitar and get on with her work at that point. She figured that she could switch on her PS3 and play some Dark Souls instead; she could always do the homework in the morning, if then.

As she finished her tune, the tell-tale rumble of her vibrating phone caught her ear. Her phone’s background was the same as Cameron’s.

"Hey coming to yours dont ask why will tell you when I get there."

Vanessa cocked an eyebrow at the text. Her first instinct was to type “Sup bitch?” back at her, but even without tone the words on the display carried a voice, one that told Vanessa that something was up. If it was good news she would’ve just texted it straight out or said it at school the next day.

No, something had upset Cameron, and that meant something had upset Vanessa.

She considered texting her back, offering to pick her up and drive her somewhere the two of them could just chill and talk about whatever it was that had gotten to her. She didn't know how Cameron would react to that though, usually she just liked to go somewhere quiet and brood. That, or...worse.

Vanessa decided to text back “ok” and leave it at that. Hopefully she was overreacting to the message. Hopefully it wasn’t going to come to that again.

Hello! I can draw something for you if you'd like
I would pull you out of reality into V6 just so I could make you an honorary band member for that.

Vanessa Stone
I'm not sure what sort of sacrifice Namira likes so I got an edit in the form of

Quote:
 
Her warm olive skin is further tanned from her constant time spent outdoors.


instead.


the goat was pleased to be spared.

The Theatrics Formula
Nate gave an awkward smile to Coleen as he took the script back from her, deciding to keep his struggles to himself for the time being. He was nodding in agreement about moving the chairs when Jane announced her presence in the doorway.

“Hi, Jane.” He replied, giving her a small wave. Jane was pretty different to Coleen: loud, bossy, and not one to mince words, Nate usually felt a bit nervous when he found out he was going to work with her. He was just glad she stuck to the backstage, rather than think how she’d react if he lost his place in the script in a scene with her.

“We were just about to move the chairs around, if you want to give us a hand?” He smiled at her, then started stepping backwards towards the tables before he got a reply. He was about halfway there when he turned back to the girls, waiting for one of them to confirm that this was in fact the plan for now whilst also remembering what he'd been thinking about until Coleen had arrived.

“Oh yeah, and I showed Coleen an improv thing we could maybe do when that’s done and people show up, if you think that’d be cool?” He waved the hand with the script in it, just to be clear.

The Theatrics Formula
Nate’s heart skipped a beat when Coleen walked in, a smile plastering itself across his face as company finally arrived.

“Hey Coleen!” Nate replied, waving back at her. “I don’t think it’s just us, but we’re the first, I guess?”

Nate wasn't that familiar with Coleen, beyond what he knew about her through the theatre club, but he liked her. They didn’t share any classes together, what with her being a senior, and this was the only club they were both members of. Still, she was always friendly and polite and easy to talk to, so that was enough for Nate.

As he smiled up at her from the table he was sat on, her eyes crept down to the script that was still in his hand. He’d forgotten he had it with him for a moment.

“Oh, this? Nah, I couldn’t write something like that.” he chuckled, “I printed it off the internet. It’s supposed to be like some improv scene, where you’ve got the main character in a gloomy house on a stormy night and then everyone comes up with things happening. Looked fun.”

Looked like less lines for memorising too, beyond the introduction. All the better to save him from worrying about screwing up other peoples' prompts when he forgot what to say.

He sprung off the table, walked right up to Coleen and held out the script. “See for yourself.”

New General SOTF Discussion Thread
I think the important thing is that handlers write characters that they want to do, but at the same time make a conscientious effort to make them fit into the setting. I'm not saying they have to break down into tears if that proves hard to do, but great writing should feel natural, from both a setting perspective and for the person writing it.

Jennifer Su
APPROVED

Jennifer Su
I was this close to one-shot approving, but Jennifer just needs a few tweaks first.

How'd she get the nickname Jennifer?

Since we’re doing edits anyway, can we clarify Jennifer’s eye shape?

Does Jennifer have any particular cooking styles or inspirations she’s into?

How did Jennifer go from being no good at sports to maintaining B’s and C’s at P.E.? I’m not saying they’re stellar grades but I wouldn’t mind knowing how she pulls it off, especially since she’s got a fairly spread out high B or low C.

What subjects at school does Jennifer actually like and dislike? Why?

Any reason in particular she’s angling to become a doctor?

Quote:
 
Jennifer is socially unassuming and mostly keeps to herself.


Could do with a bit more justification on why this is an advantage.

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She avoids starting conflicts and will happily surrender in a situation to avoid escalating it.


At the moment this reads as more of a disadvantage to me than an advantage, what with her being a pushover. Could do with a bit of rewording to make it clearer to me how this is a strength.

Does her intelligence and work ethic not warrant some kind of advantage?


Post here when you've made the changes, and I'll be happy to give Jennifer another look. Thanks!

Bart Cappotelli
Hi, Aura! Bart’s a good start, but is DENIED pending some tuning.

The main matter is that Bart needs more elaboration in some areas.

Name: Bart Cappotelli
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Grade: Senior
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and Interests: Animation, sketching, storytelling, internet forums, writing club Writing club basically falls under storytelling, so you don’t need it as a separate hobby/interest.

Appearance: Bart is very large for his age, standing at 6 feet tall and weighing just over 260 pounds. He has a light olive complexion from his Italian heritage. His body carries a lot of fat, particularly around the midsection. His legs are stocky and strong from carrying around his weight, Whilst I appreciate the logic you’re using, Bart’s still spending most of his time sat around drawing or on the computer, so I’m not sure he’d be able to claim having strong legs even with all the weight they’re supporting. but his arms are rather weak and flabby-looking.

Bart has a lot of baby fat in his face, mostly concentrated around the chin and cheeks. His eyes are a dark, slightly yellowish green color, and his eyebrows are thick and expressive. His dark hair is a mess that refuses to cooperate no matter how much it is combed or brushed, especially when it grows out. However, at the moment it is cut quite short, only going down to his ears. In addition, he has a lot of small acne scars on his face due to a bad habit of picking at pimples and zits.

This section could do with mention of the following: face shape, eye shape, nose shape, mouth shape, ear shape. I do love seeing shapes.

Unrelated to physical appearance, but still notable, is his body odor. Bart suffers from Trimethylaminuria, Doesn’t need to be capitalised. a rare metabolic condition that causes sufferers to exude a strong smell similar to that of fish. Although he showers regularly and is a bit paranoid when it comes to germs, the smell always lingers around him.

Bat's wardrobe consists almost entirely of t-shirts with characters from his favorite cartoons on them, shorts, and sneakers. He tends to prefer gray over any other color.

Biography: Bart was born to a young Italian couple, Nick and Lorna Cappotelli, a garbage collector and insurance agent, respectively. I'm assuming this happened in Kingman, but since location is never explicitly stated in the profile I'd appreciate it if we could do so. His early days weren't really much to speak of. His parents brought him up to the best of their ability, and they forged a very close, healthy relationship that has lasted well into his teen years. How was it forged? What are Bart’s interactions with his parents? What does he think of them? What do they think of him and his isolated lifestyle?

Nick and Lorna's jobs were enough to make sure that money was never a serious issue, but their work schedules meant that there would be times when Bart had to be alone for hours at a time with Nick's sister, who also lived in town. What’s Bart’s relationship with his aunt? Bart would spend most of this time watching cartoons, and all of those combined hours eventually evolved from a mere distraction to a fascination. He grew to love some shows more than others, and the shows he did like would stick with him. He started drawing his favorite characters during free time at school and at home, and he would try to make up new stories for them. This was the first step on what would be a lifelong passion for animation and storytelling.

What sort of cartoons was Bart watching? What kind of stories was he telling? This is his main interest but I don’t know anything about Bart’s style or specific tastes.

From grade school onward, Bart would spend most of his spare time drawing up sketches and writing stories. Once he had filled almost an entire journal with doodles and stories about his favorite cartoons, he started to make up his own characters. At first they were essentially the characters he already watched on TV wearing different outfits, but they slowly evolved into more unique characters in their own right. By middle school, Bart's characters were almost nothing like their original inspirations.

How was Bart interacting with other kids in grade school and middle school? Did they take any interest in his creations?

Unfortunately, Bart's love of drawing and writing took up almost all of his time, and his lifestyle became very inactive. As the years went by, his lack of exercise combined with a poor diet caused him to gain weight at a rather worrying pace. By the time he reached high school, he was already well over 200 pounds. It also didn't help that it was around this time that his Trimethylaminuria Doesn’t need to be capitalised here either. was getting worse, going from what was once a barely noticeable whiff to a strong odor. Those two elements combined led Bart to be the victim of quite a bit of teasing from his peers. As a result, he became increasingly isolated throughout his time in high school. Did the school not take any action to support him if he was being bullied, particularly if he has a medical condition? Also, was anyone worried about his weight gain at all? Did they try to do anything to mitigate it? If not, why not?

As he spent more time in his room than before due to his mockery, he became more invested in the internet. He had begun to make short animations featuring his characters on his computer and post them to YouTube. He had also began a habit of browsing internet forums, particularly those focused on animation and cartoons. He was able to make friends more easily on forums because he wasn't held back by his shyness and self-consciousness over his appearance.

About midway through his sophomore year, Bart's parents became increasingly concerned with how he had been rarely leaving his room except for school and meals. Bart seems to have been doing this sort of lifestyle for a while now; any reason this time was where it came to a pinnacle? They suggested that he join the writing club at school so that he could have an outlet for his creativity, and he reluctantly agreed. Although he was sort of distant with the rest of the group at first, he did wind up impressing them with a couple of short pieces that he wrote, and he earned a pretty secure spot in the club. You don’t typically have to ‘earn’ a spot in a high school club, particularly one that’s hobby based like writing. Do you mean he earned his fellow club member’s respect? He doesn't really hang out with any of the members on a regular basis, Why? but the writing club is pretty much the only place in school where he doesn't feel like an outcast. How does he feel about his continued social isolation? How do his parents feel about his continued social isolation? The writing club doesn’t seem to be enough by itself to get Bart out of his room, so are they trying anything else?

Bart does decently in school, but he is definitely far better in creative pursuits than academic ones. His grades in English and Art Art doesn’t need to be capitalised have been straight A's for as long as he can remember, but other subjects like math and science tend to be straight C's, with a B or two if he's lucky. How does Bart feel about this low performance? Does Bart actually enjoy English and art at school? What subjects doesn’t he like? Why?

Bart has already decided what he wants to do with his life. He plans on becoming an animator and making a series out of the characters that he has been working on since childhood. He has been putting a portfolio together as his senior year is reaching its end, and he plans to move on to college afterwards to further improve his craft.

Does Bart still enjoy the same sort of cartoons he did when he was a kid? What about his taste in stories? Does he have any specific inspirations? Anyone he aspires to be like? Any particular strengths of weaknesses in his craft?

Also, Bart’s entire life revolves around his hobby of animation. Can we expand him a little with one or two more hobbies?

Advantages: Bart is very creative, and his ability to think outside the box could be very useful in a survival situation. Bart's creativity seems to exist more on the artistic spectrum than in the form of outside the box thinking, so this advantage isn't really justified at the moment. In addition, Bart's intimidating size could dissuade potential attackers. Can we come up with another advantage? These two aren’t particularly impactful to be his only strengths.
Disadvantages: Bart is extremely out of shape, and has very little stamina compared to most of his peers. His size also makes it rather difficult for him to get from place to place in comparison to most other students, severely impacting his mobility. In addition, his medical condition makes it nearly impossible for him to sneak by unnoticed thanks to his body odor.


Post here when you've made the additions and edits, and I'll be glad to give Bart another look. Thanks!

Abigail "Abby" Floyd
APPROVED

Abigail "Abby" Floyd
Thanks! Looks good for the most part, just three things:

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and enjoys listening to both with John while they cook or look after her sister.


We've still got the double space at the end of paragraph 23.

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including the munchkin cat, Russian Blue cat, basset hound, hognose snake , two hedgehogs, and canary that she owns currently.


Still got a space that shouldn't be there too.


Whilst I'm alright with the interactions in the clinic Abby's doing, the context of the paragraph suggest that she's doing all this before she starts preschool, which shouldn't really fly in a medical practice even if it is a family owned one. She'll need to be a bit older before she starts spending a lot of time with these animals whilst they're recovering, I'd say, so if you could just word around that for me that'd be super.