Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
ZetaBoards - Free Forum Hosting
Create your own social network with a free forum.
Nate Turner
Name: Nate Turner
Gender: Male
Age: 16
Grade: 11
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and Interests: Acting, cooking, soccer, swimming.

Appearance: Standing at 4’6” and weighing 83 lbs, Nate has proportional dwarfism caused by a hormonal disorder. His brown hair is cut short, to the point that it rarely needs combing. He has thin brown eyes, a straight thin nose and a straight lipped mouth, as well as a diamond shaped face with small ears. As a result of his disorder, Nate looks younger than his actual age and more closely resembles a thirteen year old, due to his smooth features and leaner frame.

Nate wears handed down clothes from his older brothers, so his outfits have evidence of repair jobs and leftover stains. He generally favours t-shirts and jerseys with solid colours or generic designs on them, as well as sweaters in the colder seasons. He wears jeans when he has to, but prefers to switch to cargo shorts as soon as the weather warms up, and keeps to the same pair of worn black sneakers all year round.

Biography: The youngest of five brothers, Nate Turner was born in Kingman, Arizona to Jessica Turner née Smith, a senior pastor for a local Methodist Church, and Kevin Turner, a floor manager with an accounting firm at the Kingman Industrial Park. Nate’s older brothers, Kevin Jr., Simon, Paul and Toby came eight, six, four and three years ahead of him, respectively.

As the baby of a family of five, Nate grew up in a house full of hand-downs and roughhousing. Whilst the family were able to keep themselves afloat thanks to Kevin’s careful budgeting and Jessica’s creativity with entertaining the kids, the three bedroom house was cramped for the better part of Nate’s life, something he became very used to as a young child.

When he was around the age of three, Nate’s parents began to grow concerned with his slow rate of growth. After consulting with his doctor, he was diagnosed with his hormonal disorder, caused by a defect in his pituitary gland that was resulting in his restricted growth. This surprised Kevin and Jessica, given the relative health of their other children.

The immediate concern was the financial implications: as a family already on a tight budget, the cost of long-term medical treatment was at the front of Kevin’s mind, and he quickly realised that, partly due to his company’s subpar insurance scheme, they didn’t have the budget to provide daily shots in the long term. As a result, Nate was limited to three hormone injections a week.

Even with the reduced number of injections, the cost of the treatment took its toll on the family; spare cash became a luxury that Nate’s older siblings rarely got to see the benefit of, something that became particularly irritating for Kevin Jr. and Simon. Whilst Jessica reminded her older children of the importance of familial love and not to blame Nate, which they obliged with for the most part, it was a frustrating situation regardless. Nate remained relatively unaware of the implications of his treatment’s cost due to his young age.

Whilst the house was relatively small for a family their size, they were fortunate enough to have a large yard that the boys spent many hours in, Jessica spending her free time coming up with new games for them to play when she wasn’t inventing stories for them. Though Kevin was generally too tired from work to join in the games, he and the boys took many trips to the park at the weekends whilst Jessica did the shopping or attended to her clergy duties.

With a pastor for a mother, the Turners were a devoutly religious family. Nate grew up attending church every Sunday with his family, and the values of his religion would reverberate with him as he grew older. He grew to love being part of an extended community beyond his own family, and as he got older he would come to idealise the notion that everyone could be saved, taking comfort in the optimistic belief.

When Nate started school, he enjoyed it immensely. Never shy as a child, he was quick to befriend other kids and take part in the class. Though he didn’t stand out academically, his energetic and upbeat personality saw him through the initial few years.

His favorite class in elementary school was P.E. class: having spent countless hours playing with his brothers, he’d already developed a love of sports that saw him looking forward to the time exercising and being active with great enthusiasm.

It was during his fourth year at elementary school that he began to experience difficulties, however. A new arrival to the sixth grade, having moved in from out of town, chose Nate as her target for bullying, picking on him in particular due to his notably small size. Whilst the faculty was quick to step in on her ridiculing, and Nate’s friends tried to make him feel better, his first experience with a bully shook him to the core and caused him to withdraw. The fact that she was relentless in her teasing, as well as influencing other girls around her to follow suit, made the situation even worse.

Whilst Nate’s parents were called in to discuss the issue, they had difficulty coming up with a solution beyond the school’s existing method of handling bullying. Eventually Nate’s bully graduated to middle school, but the damage was done and his outgoing nature took a hit, as he began to become insecure about his lack of growth.

As his siblings grew up, Nate found them wanting to spend less and less time with him. Simon, Paul and Toby had transitioned into the awkward teenage phase, and Kevin Jr. was almost an adult in his own right. They had long since grown accustomed to the cost of Nate’s treatments limiting their own budgets and no longer harboured ill will towards him over it, but their age difference remained the limiting factor all the same. Though the family kept up to date on each other, with family dinner sessions being the time to share everybody’s news, he started to feel alone the rest of the time with his inability to continue relating to his brothers. Whilst his father continued to be active with the family at the weekends, he found himself gravitating to Nate’s older siblings, finding it easier to hold conversations with them on subjects that Nate had difficulty keeping interest in. Whilst he tried to be present for these conversations as a means to spend time with his father, he still felt left out all the same.

As a consequence, Nate found himself growing more attached to his mother. He would attend more church activities with her whilst the rest of the family were busy with their own hobbies, assisting her with running volunteer projects or doing odd jobs for her as needed. In addition, he would spend a lot of time helping her with her own jobs around the house, particularly cooking the family meals. What started as a simple way to spend more time with his mother became a genuine interest for him, as he took great satisfaction in spending time making something the whole family could enjoy.

At first, Nate’s cooking efforts were as an assistant to his mother, helping to stir the sauce or cut the vegetables as needed. In time he began making an effort to be more involved as his interest grew, helping pick out recipes for the weekly meals or preparing entire side dishes alone. Whilst he enjoyed preparing and enjoying something that he’d help to make from scratch, it was the attention from his siblings and father that really drew him to enjoy cooking, taking their opinions to heart. Whilst Jessica was quick to cover for any criticism that might’ve been innocently tossed out, Nate felt a great deal of shame for any personal failings and always resolved to try harder next time.

Going into middle school wasn’t as smooth an experience for Nate as elementary school was. He was still insecure about his size, especially as his classmates began to develop ahead of him, and as a result he was less involved in the classroom. He was also hesitant to socialise with new people out of anxiety at how they might treat him, though he retained several friends from elementary school and through the church. This time also saw a resurgence in his bullying problem, as older kids were quicker to pick on him for his stature.

It was around this time that Nate realised the value of playing himself up as a victim. As the youngest of five, he’d experienced his older siblings being blamed for things he was still partially responsible for on several occasions, and during his elementary school bullying phase he was quick to receive a lot of sympathy and support. Whilst at first he kept the middle school bullying problem to himself, feeling too insecure to start speaking up in his defence, his friends’ support and reporting the problem for him made him start to believe that people would automatically take his side in a conflict. Once he realised that, he became a lot quicker to report people who taunted him, regardless of how severe their actions might have been. This resulted in him gaining a reputation as a snitch amongst his aggressors, though he was quick to present himself as a victim to everyone else.

Though he was still anxious about meeting new people, his love of sports won out in the end and Nate decided to join the soccer team in middle school, having greatly enjoyed playing the game in the past. Though he was reluctant to compete with the team, worrying that his skills or size would hold the team back, he did so anyway at the behest of his coach and more supportive teammates, claiming that he was underestimating himself.

Nate also joined the drama club in middle school. When he was younger, he was always eager to participate in the plays put on by his school and church, enjoying the chance to get creative and act out. He enjoyed playing up character traits and tended to be over dramatic regardless of the scene, and this carried on through middle school. His mentors in the club tried to steer him away from this habit for the benefit of his performance, and whilst Nate tried to oblige he still found himself getting carried away from time to time.

Whilst Nate enjoyed PE classes at school, other subjects were becoming a challenge for him. Paul and Toby were considered the brains of the Turner family, taking after their father, and Nate found it difficult to achieve good results in most subjects. This was particularly notable in mathematics and science, due to his inability to concentrate and memorise for long periods that made it hard for him to recall the relevant facts. This became another source of insecurity for Nate, considering the attention he’d seen his elder two brothers receive from his father for their school abilities that he was continuing to feel left out of.

Once again, he turned to his mother for support. Though her responsibilities with the church and household duties limited her available time, her knack for storytelling enabled her to give Nate a lot of support with his English work, which became his best subject when combined with his creativity that he’d practiced through drama. Whilst he still struggled to perform well, the support from Jessica still made school more bearable for him.

Nate’s difficulty with memorising grew to be an issue with his drama performances, something that became more pronounced as he began to do it more regularly. Though he was used to tripping on occasional lines when he was younger and performing less frequently, it became a source of frustration for him as he began to take on longer plays with more complicated texts.

Venting his frustration to his mother during one particular study session, the two began to develop a coping habit of improvisation: Jessica suggested that if Nate wasn’t entirely certain what the next line was, he should think about what the character would want to say in that situation, and make something up accordingly. Whilst this technique saw a good deal of improvement in reducing Nate’s blanking on stage, it did tend to irritate some other club members due to throwing off their own cues.

As he approached the end of middle school, Kevin Jr. announced his intentions to move to Phoenix. The family had been aware that funding college would be difficult for the kids, given their size, so Kevin Jr. had opted to work for a number of years before beginning his own studies, whilst also desiring the independence of living away from home.

Though their relationship had been much more restrained in the previous years due to the age gap, Nate was very upset when his eldest brother left the house. To compensate he started spending even more time with his siblings, much to their growing irritation. As soon as school was out and he didn’t have a club to attend to, he’d rush to wherever he knew his nearest available family member to be, even if it was just to know that he was in the same building as one of them.

His first year of high school didn’t prove too different from middle school: he once again joined the drama club and soccer team, as well as deciding to take up swimming too, mostly as an excuse to have something to do every day after school but also out of nostalgia of the trips to the local pool he’d had with his family when he was younger. At this point the physical difference between him and his peers was becoming exaggerated, which made him even more reluctant to compete than before. He fell into playing as a sub for the soccer team, a role he was comfortable with as it allowed him to still attend the club whilst minimising his perceived chance of embarrassing himself on the field.

Whilst Nate had joined the swim team more causally than his other extracurricular activities, he found himself taking to the sport quite readily. He was able to perform decently thanks to the lower body strength he maintained from soccer, with his upper body strength slowly catching up as he swam more regularly. Due to his hard working nature and regular appearance at the club, his skills improved quite readily over his high school career.

Nate’s continuing difference in size became an even bigger sore sport for him, however. Whilst the hormone treatment had allowed him to start experience puberty at age 13, his growth had slowed down notably in the past few years and he was beginning to fear that his height had plateaued. Though he was forward with his doctors and parents about his anxieties, the family’s insurance was stubborn about improving the funding so that his injection schedule could be increased to a daily rate, and even with Kevin Jr. having left the house the family found it difficult to find the cash to increase the frequency of injections.

Whilst he continued to rely on his mother for comfort over his anxieties, she was beginning to recognise his overreliance on her for support. Conflicted over the best response to the situation, she began to encourage Nate to spend more time with his friends outside of school. Though the thought of spending less time with his family was very intimidating for Nate, he did appreciate that he was spending more time with his mother than other boys his own age.

At first, Nate turned to his church’s youth group to get involved with in his free time, being already familiar with most of the members thanks to his involvement with the church over the years. Whilst this did get him out of the house more, it still resorted in him seeing his mother more than she intended, as she was involved in the group’s activities herself as the consulting pastor.

During Nate’s sophomore year, it was Simon’s turn to move out of the house. Whilst he had decided to work in the same office as his father, the fact that he had now moved out to a local flat caused Nate to reel back from his attempts at independence, once again growing insecure as the house grew emptier.

Now in his junior year, Nate has been relieved to find that Paul and Toby have yet to announce their own intentions to move out. At this point they and Simon all work with their father, who is in the final stages of starting his business. Paul and Toby opted to continue sharing a room when Simon moved out, leading to Nate finally having a room of his own. Whilst the fact that he was sleeping in a room by himself for the first time led to a lot of initial discomfort, he eventually found that he actually enjoyed the privacy, especially knowing that the rest of his family was only on the other side of the walls.

At school, Nate continues to keep his schedule full so that he’s never alone for too long whilst continuing to enjoy his interest in drama and sports.

In the drama club, though he continues trying to improve his performances and ability to memorise lines, he still has issues with getting carried away with emotions and scenes, as well as resorting to improvising dialogue. These difficulties have resulted in him often being cast in less serious or more emotionally shallow roles, which he doesn’t so much resent due to enjoying the parts, but he still hopes for the chance to refine his emotional performances in more nuanced roles. He also has a tendency to find himself cast into roles that play on his size, often due to these characters affiliation with comic relief, which is a situation that he does quietly resent.

Generally, Nate enjoys plays with fantastical plot lines and a wide range of emotional content. He’s particularly drawn to the work of William Shakespeare, The Tempest being his favorite play, though he also likes works from more recent writers such as John Steinbeck and Arthur Miller. Whilst he prefers to participate rather than watch, he does enjoy going to local productions with friends should the interest strike them.

In sports, his love of soccer has been superseded by his new found enthusiasm for swimming.

He remains a sub on the soccer team, generally preferring to play in a winger position as his size is less impactful there, but ultimately he prefers to work on his ball control skills and enjoy casual games with his friends on the team rather than being competitive.

His swimming skills have developed notably during his time at high school; he specialises in the free stroke, but has also shown himself capable of performing the fly stroke. At his coach’s encouragement he’s become more active at meets, participating in two or three races, compared to how he used to prefer to race just once per meet when he started. Though he is far from the best swimmer in the team, he places fairly well at meets thanks to his commitment and determination allowing his skill to close the physical gap caused by his size.

He also continues to be an active member of the Christian community, regularly attending his youth group. As with his other extra-curricular activities, he takes comfort in the sense of community this gives him, as well as enjoying the time it lets him spend with his mother, though he does make an effort not to appear too attached in front of his friends.

Meanwhile, he has continued to practice his cooking over the years at his mother’s side, to the point that he occasionally cooks meals for the family in her place. He mainly does it as a source of attention from his family in the form of compliments for the dishes he cooks, particularly from his father, but he also enjoys using it as another excuse to spend time with his mother whether it be joining her on food shopping trips or looking up interesting recipes to prepare. His food tends to be decent for the most part, though he is a slow learner with new recipes and will often make mistakes on the first few tries. He usually works on affordable but filling Western foods, particularly enjoying the home-style cooking of Nigella Lawson.

Academics continue to be a weak point for Nate. Though English remains his strongest subject, he only maintains a B average in it, whilst the other subjects tend to hover around the C range. He does put a lot of effort into his work, but he still has difficulty with remembering facts over long periods. He does do better in cooking classes, however, due to his external interest, matching his English performance in that subject, with the occasional A.

Socially, Nate has regained a lot of the confidence with other people that he enjoyed in elementary school. Much more open to approaching new people, he usually makes friends through his enthusiasm and dedicated nature, but he still has a habit of becoming clingy when anxious, which can put people off. He is also still uncomfortable about people commenting on his dwarfism, whatever their intent behind it; if he’s particularly upset by what’s said, he’ll respond by looking for people he knows are supportive to cling to. However, he also still knows how to play himself up as the victim when such situations call for it, and whilst he has a much lower tendency to tell on people picking on him these days, he’s resorted to badmouthing them behind their backs instead and complaining to whoever’ll listen.

Nate continues to see all of his brothers on the holidays, looking forward to such occasions with great enthusiasm, but the age gap between him and his eldest two brothers continues to make it difficult for them to relate. Similarly, his father still favours Paul and Toby for their intelligence, and with his imminent plans to begin a business with them doesn’t have as much time for Nate. Mealtimes continue to be the height of family time in the Turner household, but even then Nate finds it difficult to find things to talk about with his family beyond his mother, much to his distress. Usually he’ll complacently listen to what topics they happen to be discussing with minimal contribution instead.

As he still has his senior year ahead of him, Nate has yet to put too much thought into what he wants to do after graduation. He doesn’t intend to attend college at present, though the prospect would be much easier for him financially with his four brothers now working full time. He has given some thought to following in his mother’s footsteps as a pastor, an idea that has received a mixed response from her due to worrying it is him being overly dependent on her once again.

Advantages: Despite his handicap, Nate remains in good physical shape from his constant activity and sports. He is involved socially in a wide number of groups, which gives him a fairly large pool of potential allies. His experience as an actor and with garnering sympathy may also allow him to avoid being targeted or manipulate events, depending on the situation and whether he can keep his acting subtle enough.
Disadvantages: Nate is incredibly uncomfortable with being left alone, becoming very stressed even at the thought of being by himself. He is also prone to becoming anxious in general, which will do little to help his coping ability on the island. In spite of his good shape, Nate is still markedly smaller than his peer group and has delayed development, which will make him an easy target in a physical confrontation. His tendency to cling to other people to deal with his anxieties may also aggravate other parties.

Asher Glas
Hi Naft! Before we give Asher a full critique, please make sure his profile matches the template exactly. Specifically, you're missing the grade section between age and school. Post here when you've got that put in, and we'll give Asher a look. Thanks!

Keith Thompson
Hi Fiori! Before we give Keith a critique, please make sure his profile matches the template exactly. Specifically, you've got an extra line break between the biography and advantages sections that shouldn't be there. Post here when you've fixed that up and we'll give him a look. Thanks!

Slam's Creativity Thread
It's been a while since I've done something creative, and I felt like writing a story to introduce my incoming pathfinder character.

The Legend of the Grave Witch

Dante Luciano Valiero
APPROVED

Dante Luciano Valiero
Nearly there! Just three small things:

Quote:
 
She was a very loving but strict mother, dedicating all of her time to making sure her children are happy and healthy.

Just change that 'are' to 'were' for me so the tenses match.

Quote:
 
as long as it doesn't get him into trouble and as long as, of course, his flirtations don't go beyond chaste kisses at the door.

Just take out that 'of course' for me like with the last one too.

The main thing we're still missing (which I neglected to ask for last time, so sorry about that) is what does Dante intend to do after graduation? What are his career ambitions?

Dante Luciano Valiero
It's great that you've updated the content, but you've missed out some of the spelling errors I've highlighted and you've still got most of the -'s in there where other forms of punctuation would be more appropriate. Dashes tend to connote a degree of informality, so they're not really suited to the tone of the profile.

I've bolded my suggested alternatives to them in my previous post, so please go through it again and make sure you've gotten all the spelling fixed and replaced all the dashes. Thanks!

Writings by Laurels
I found that to be a good chuckle.

Dante Luciano Valiero
Hi Fenris, welcome to V6! Dante is a great start, but DENIED pending some edits and adjustments.

Just to note that you've used a lot of hyphens where they're not really gramatically appropriate. For next time, I'd suggest considering commas and semicolons instead.

Name: Dante Luciano Valiero
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Grade: 12
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and Interests: Flirting, Flirting isn’t really a hobby, even at Dante’s level, so I’d prefer it removed. fencing, track, animals, partying Partying only really gets an off hand mention at the end of the profile, so at the moment I wouldn't really count it as a hobby/interest.

Appearance: Dante stands at 6'1", cutting a noticeable figure, and weighs 170 pounds. He has a wiry build with noticeable muscle, especially in his legs, thanks to years of running. His legs are a bit long when compared to his torso. His skin is clear and unblemished, and is dark olive in color; he tans to a deep bronze during the summer.

Dante has a chiseled face and high cheekbones, with an aquiline nose, deep brown almond-shaped eyes, and full lips. His ears stick out a bit, but they're generally covered by his hair, which falls to just above chin-length. His hair is thick, curly, and generally untamed. He has thick eyelashes and thick, expressive eyebrows. His facial hair grows in quite quickly; though he shaves often, he has permanent stubble across his jawline.

Though Dante takes pride in his appearance, he isn't particularly picky with regards to his wardrobe. He wears almost exclusively solid colors; loose-knit v-neck t-shirts and long sleeve shirts, mostly in greens and blues, along with jeans, chinos and knee-length twill shorts during the summer. His preferred brand is Hollister, but he buys new clothes quite rarely because of the price. He usually wears three different necklaces: a brown leather cord with three shark's teeth, a silver ball chain with a silver skull and crossbones, and a thin gold chain with a small gold rosary ring hanging from it, sized for a child. He also wears a small cross earring in his left earlobe.

Biography: Dante is full-blooded Italian, the child of a Sicilian mother and an Italian-American father. The two met when his father, Lucian Valiero, went to visit family in Italy. (He met Rosa Battaglia at a party- the daughter of one of his father's friends-) Confusing word order. I’d suggest “He met Rosa Battaglia, the daughter of one of his father’s friends, at a party” reads better. and the two soon fell in love. Lucian convinced Rosa to marry him a month after their meeting, and since he had a job waiting for him at home in Phoenix, Arizona, he moved back home along with his new wife. The pair lived in Phoenix until Rosa got pregnant, at which point she insisted it would be healthier for the baby if they moved somewhere quieter. They moved to nearby Kingman, where they have remained ever since. Just out of curiosity: does Lucian commute to work, or did he change jobs?

Dante was the first of the couple's children, and the only boy. He was always a happy and gregarious child, constantly moving around and babbling. His parents raised him bilingual, speaking to him in both English and Italian, until he started elementary school. He seemed to have trouble with switching between the two languages, and would often mix the two in sentences and speak in Italian at inappropriate times. His parents focused on teaching him English from that time forward. He retains a very elementary knowledge of Italian to this day, though he's learned a few more words and phrases since for the purposes of sounding suave.

Kids in general are really great at learning languages, and mixing languages is a perfectly natural phase for kids raised bilingual. Plus if they’ve been teaching him both by the time he’s in elementary school then he’s going to be speaking both languages pretty readily, so stopping the Italian would probably be fairly pointless. Coming from an Italian household, I think his competency in the language should probably be better than very elementary.

Lucian works as a religious studies professor, while Rosa stays at home to take care of the children. She is a very loving but strict mother, dedicating all of her time to making sure her children are happy and healthy. Lucian and Rosa are both quite religious, having both been raised traditionally Catholic, and since Lucian is generally busy it was Rosa who read biblical stories and tales about the saints to Dante as he was growing up. He was especially attached to the story of St. Francis, who was known for preaching to animals. Lucian and Rosa always kept pets- they currently have two cats and a dog- and Dante's attachment to them only grew as his mom told him about St. Francis. I’d like to see this sentence rewritten so that it doesn’t have the present day comment in-between the past tense description. He loves all animals and gets his dad to drive him out to a nearby animal sanctuary as often as he can. What does he do out there? Volunteer? Just watch? I’d like to know more about his interest in animals.

You go back and forth between past and present tense in this whole paragraph too; I’d prefer to see it kept in just one. I’d recommend past tense.

Catholicism has always been an important part of Dante's life. He attends church every Sunday and on holidays with his whole family, and he tries to be a good Catholic. He's quite tolerant of others, as he prioritizes keeping the peace above all else, but he can get quite distressed if he hears his religion being disparaged. At his First Communion, one of his aunts gave him a small gold rosary ring, and though it's far too small for him to wear on a finger now he still wears it every day on a gold chain. He fiddles with it when he's nervous or having trouble concentrating, and occasionally he actually tries pray the Rosary, though he can never remember much of it.

Dante has been a bit of a flirt for his entire life, long before he understood what flirting was. It started with him imitating the behavior of his father, who paid compliments to every woman he met and kissed their cheeks whenever he could get away with it. Dante's behavior was generally considered harmless, though he did get hit by a couple of girls who didn't appreciate his attentions, leading to his dad giving him a few lessons on consent and respecting boundaries. This continued as he got older, and eventually his precocious and essentially meaningless behavior turned into legitimate romantic affectations. His parents find his behavior charming and tacitly encourage it, as long as it doesn't get him into trouble and as long as, of course, his flirtations don't go beyond chaste kisses at the door. They don't, as Dante's ideal night out involves dinner, a movie, flowers, compliments in butchered Italian, Remember that I’d prefer his Italian to be better and a soft kiss at the door. He's been known to buy bouquets of roses on the weekend and giving them out one stem at a time to girls at school. After living with him for years, pretty much every girl at Cochise has been the subject of his attentions at some point or another. He knows well enough to back off when those attentions are unwanted, and since everyone knows that he's not interested in anything physical or in any real commitment, he's seen as pretty much harmless.

As Dante grew up, his parents had four more children: Venetia, Allegra, Adriana and Beatrice. All four girls are very attached to their older brother, and he's very protective of them in return. The youngest, Beatrice, is ten years younger than Dante and is particularly clingy with him. Dante gets roped into babysitting by his parents quite often and is never resentful of the responsibility; if he turns down an opportunity to hang out with friends or go on a date, it's almost always because he's spending time with his family.

Though Dante enjoyed school and made friends easily, he had a lot of difficulty with academics from the beginning of his school career onward. He worked hard, wanting to please his parents, but the best grades he could ever manage were low Bs. He currently averages Cs in most of his classes, with Bs in his art and gym classes and Ds in mathematics. Are these the subjects he likes and dislikes? If not, which ones does he like and dislike and why? He does all of his work, but he has a hard time concentrating and following complicated topics. He's generally seen to be pretty unintelligent, even by his friends, though he makes up for his lack of brainpower with his charisma.

Starting in junior high, Rosa decided that Dante needed to start doing some sort of physical activity during his free time. Dante, who was obsessed with pirates at the time, decided he wanted to try fencing. Though his love of pirates quickly passed, his love of fencing stuck with him. He enjoys the fast action and moving practically on instinct, and of course Don't need the 'of course' he loves the dashing image he cuts when he duels. Starting in high school, at a friend's encouragement, he joined the track team as well. Owing to his long legs and decent musculature Dante is quite fast, though lacking in stamina; he does well in short sprints, but he quickly tires after that. Is that something he tries to improve, or is he happy to focus on short distance running? Also, does Dante compete with the team? If so, how well does he do?

Dante is a very social person, and he spends as much of his free time as possible with his friends. He's generally well-liked, though some girls can't stand his flirtatious behavior and some guys dislike him for his seemingly easy way with girls. He does tend to flirt quite a bit with his female friends, and occasionally with some of his male friends as well. Is Dante bisexual, or does he just like to tease? How would that impact on his religious beliefs? He's a very loyal and trusting friend, often to a fault, who hates conflict and acts as a peace-keeper, and his goofy, laid-back attitude makes him difficult to hate. He's quite charming and very good-looking, but he isn't particularly good at taking advantage of those characteristics, except when it comes to hitting on people. He has a terrible memory and can be very oblivious as to other people's feelings, but he tries his best in all things and is always very apologetic if he completely misses something seemingly obvious. He does like going to parties and drinking, but never to excess; he's generally a good kid who more than anything wants to make his family proud.

Advantages: Dante is physically fit and quite fast over short distances. He has a lot of friends and is generally well-liked. He's charming enough to talk his way out of situations that he can't run away from. I thought he wasn’t good at taking advantage of his charms if he’s not hitting on someone?
Disadvantages: Dante isn't very smart; he is a terrible planner, has a poor memory and generally isn't good at thinking his way around complicated problems without help. He has little stamina and can get worn out quite easily. Considering he does two different sports, I’m not sure he would really count as having little stamina even if it’s a weaker area for him in his athletics. This disadvantage needs to be rethought or justified more. He is very loyal and trusting to his friends and could easily be used and betrayed by them.

At the moment, I'd like you to elaborate on Dante's hobbies and interests. Either give him one or two extra ones, since with the removal of flirting and partying he only has three, or talk about the ones he already has more.


Post here when you've made the edits, and I'll be happy to give Dante another look!

Kimiko Kao
APPROVED

Kimiko Kao
Nearly there.

Can we specify why her family moved to the Kingman branch of Praxair, considering there's one located in Phoenix and this would still carry the benefits of living there for her? I'd assume that it was just where the opportunity was located, but I'd like to see it made explicit all the same.

I'd also still like a bit more detail on her Baguazhang, since it's tagged on at the end but the Taoist worship appears at the beginning. Had her mother been doing it for years and she only recently joined her? If so, why? If not, then we need to see it come up earlier in the profile.

Kimiko Kao
A good start, but DENIED pending some things.

Name: Kimiko Kao
Gender: Female
Age: 17
Grade: Senior
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and Interests: Politics with a specific interest in Taiwan, taiwanization, Taiwanization is a pronoun and should be capitalised gymnastics, comic books, basketball, collecting basketball jerseys. Baguazhang needs to be on this list.

Appearance: Kimiko is 5'3½" and weighs 110lbs with her weight evenly distributed over her lean body. Kimiko's face is circular with a thin nose and wide eyes. Kimiko originally had long black hair but she had it cut into an A-line bob and bleached it light blonde after moving to America. Normally Kimiko wears form-fitting t-shirts of either the long-sleeved or short sleeved variety or tank-tops, with either skinny jeans or skirts depending on the weather. She also wears a red Taoist charm necklace and two bracelets. One with regular beads and a small carved piece of wood with freedom written on in Taiwanese and another made of jade beads.

I wouldn’t mind seeing Kimiko’s skin tone being stated explicitly. I'd like a description of her mouth and ears too.

On the day of her abduction Kimiko was wearing a women’s Minnesota Timberwolves light blue road jersey with a white Under Amour long sleeve top underneath. She was also wearing a dark wash mini denim skirt as well as taupe knitted knee socks with brown suede flat ankle boots and her necklace and bracelets.

Biography: Kimiko was born in Taoyuan City, Taoyuan, Taiwan on the 31st of October 1998 to Jesse Kao and Jody Yeh. Unfortunately while Kimiko was a healthy baby an accident occurred when a nurse attempted to insert a feeding tube into her mouth, causing permanent damage to her larynx. If she was a healthy baby, why did she need a feeding tube? A quick justification here would be appreciated. This accident meant Kimiko lost her ability to speak. For the first few years her parents remained at their apartment in Taoyuan City, but after Kimiko's fourth birthday they realised they would have to move to Tainan City. This was so that she could learn Taiwanese Sign Language at the National Tainan School for the Deaf so she could communicate. In a show of solidarity her parents also learned TSL so they could communicate with their daughter without speaking.

The choice was made to move to Tainan City because it was both the closest city with a school that taught TSL and had the most Taoist temples of any city in Taiwan. This was important to Kimiko's parents since they are both practicing Taoists and wanted to be able to continue their religious practice. Growing up in a Taoist household made Kimiko's choice of religion easy but before she settled with Taoism she looked at a few different options such as Buddhism and Christianity to get a larger view of religious practice.

As Kimiko grew older she started to learn more about Taiwan’s history and culture. Her parents, being very pro-Taiwanese independence and keen supporters of both Taiwanization and the Pan-Green Coalition; specifically the Taiwan Solidarity Union took it upon themselves to ensure that she learned about her homeland as much as possible. This has led to Kimiko taking on and gaining very strong views about Taiwanese independence and human rights.

From the age of five Kimiko has been practicing gymnastics. This first started as an easy way for her parents to get her to meet other children and gain life skills as well as keep her physically healthy. As Kimiko grew up however she started to see it as more of way to express herself beyond what she was capable of with just facial expressions and sign language alone. Kimiko has now been practicing gymnastics for twelve years with the only major break being when she moved from Taiwan to America. Shortly after settling in however she quickly picked it back up.

Growing up in Taiwan Kimiko's other main sporting interest was going to be either baseball or basketball as both were national sports. Kimiko first tried taking part in a game of baseball and found it to be extremely boring. Soon after she decided basketball was much more exciting than the more static baseball and followed it more closely. As an additional hobby Kimiko collects the jerseys of NBA teams and will sometimes wear them around school or everyday life.

When Kimiko was thirteen her father was offered a job working for a subsidiary of IBM in the United States; with the pay being much better and the prospects of promotion much higher, he accepted. This led to Kimiko finding her family packing up to move to the USA. Due to the timing Kimiko arrived halfway through middle school and as such had to make all new friends. This turned out to be easier than Kimiko thought because she had learned English at school in Taiwan and she was seen as something of a novelty coming from Asia and being unable to talk. As soon as she arrived she was put into classes for American Sign Language so that she could communicate in her preferred form.

We’ve got a bit of a problem here. IBM’s office in Arizona is located in Phoenix, which also happens to have a school for the deaf, which would have courses taught in ASL. Considering that the family’s moved specifically for the sake of her being able to learn TSL before, I need a reason for why they decided to live in Kingman where her support would be less prevalent and her father would need to commute, rather than Phoenix where they’d have a lot more local conveniences.

Shortly after arriving in America, Kimiko discovered comic books for the first time. She had seen manga in Taiwan but the lack of colour had turned her away from the medium, whereas comic books in America were full of colour and larger than life characters. Kimiko became interested in them after buying one out of curiosity and soon started regularly buying them. She was drawn to characters like X-23 and the X-Men because they were viewed as outsiders and Kimiko sometimes felt like an outsider when she first arrived in America. This interest has expanded to include The Runaways and an odd mixture of DC and Image including Secret Six, Batwoman and Birds of Prey from DC and Saga, Chew and East of West from Image.

In contrast to her original feelings of being an outsider Kimiko has developed into a very outgoing person out of a desire to not let her disability control her life. She communicates using sign language, body language or notes out of a refusal to use electronic assistance. She is very friendly around most people but is very outspoken about her views on politics and doesn't tolerate bullying. Even though she has moved to America she is still extremely passionate about Taiwanese independence and human rights. She joined Amnesty International shortly after settling in to life in America. Some days however Kimiko can be very quiet, withdrawn and grumpy due to not wanting to have to deal with her disability or just wanting to be able to sit and sign with someone else and can get frustrated when people don't understand her.

At school Kimiko’s favourite classes are law, world history and languages. The reason for this is that law and world history have a large influence on politics which she is deeply interested in. Her love of languages comes from learning multiple languages as she grew up. Even though Kimiko puts extra effort into those subjects she still tries hard in her other classes as well. This is reflected in her GPA of 3.65 which Kimiko hopes to improve upon so that she can go to college to study international politics. She also hopes her knowledge of languages will make her more likely to be accepted into college.

Kimiko's relationship with her parents is very strong thanks to the support they give her in every aspect of her life. They regularly worship together I'm not aware of any Taoist temples in Kingman, so where are they worshipping? At home? or talk in TSL with Kimiko about her day. Kimiko and her father regularly go to basketball games together and she practices Baguazhang with her mother in the morning every day. I’d like a little more elaboration on her interest in Baguazhang, since this is the only mention of it. How did they get into it, and what does Kimiko like about it? Both her parents also travel with her to any meets she attends for gymnastics so they can support her. How does Kimiko do at these meets? She’s been practicing it for a long time, but considering she has other interests too and the amount of dedication gymnastics necessitates to be really good, I wouldn’t mind a little clarification on where she stands performance wise.

Advantages: Kimiko is in very good physical shape due to her participation in gymnastics as well as her practice of Baguazhang. This would be to her advantage during the course of SOTF because she would have more stamina and be more effective in physical activities than her fellow classmates. Her outgoing nature and friendliness could also help her gain allies on the island. Thanks to her inability to speak Kimiko has learned how to be expressive through the use of facial expressions and body language. This has also given her an understanding of the body language of others as well which she could use to her advantage on the island.
Disadvantages: Kimiko is a mute and therefore communication for her will be very difficult if not impossible in specific cases which could hinder her in high tension situations or if she is trying to gain someone’s trust. She is also less likely to take aggressive action due to her religious beliefs. Despite this Kimiko would be likely to try and help someone in need which could lead to her putting herself in dangerous situations which she could have avoided.


Post here when you've made these changes and I'll be happy to give Kimiko another look!

Alice Baker
APPROVED

Alice Baker
Almost! There’s just a handful of things I’d like you to look at again:

Quote:
 
As this continued, and her parents did not object, Alice’s main motive of avoiding conflicts in general became appeasement, growing accustomed to letting the other person have their way to avoid causing a problem. This was further exacerbated when her parents got involved, as she quickly found that she didn't like dragging others into issues. As such, Daniel and Louise were generally kept in the dark when Alice found herself getting picked on, since she avoided telling them and most conflict came up when their parents weren't present.


Keeping the bolded part of this section makes the whole thing a bit of a confusing read, since you’ve described her parents not objecting but then objecting after all. It would read better if you snipped that part out.

I've also italicised a missing 'to' in the first sentence of the quote.

Quote:
 
She found that books had more varied presentations and subjects than television, and vastly preferred the former. Alice continues to read later in life as well, favoring young adult novels featuring dystopias, with the occasional fantasy or romance novel. The extraordinary and surreal nature of these genres appealed most to Alice, whose vivid imagination made immersive settings more appealing.


You’ve gone back and forth between past and present tense here, so you need to stay in just one of them.

Quote:
 
Alice’s reticent behavior and slight stature gives her an edge in avoiding others.


I’m still not quite seeing how this advantage plays out, since being small and polite doesn’t necessarily mean you’re going to be better at not bumping into people. May I suggest that her reticent behaviour and slight stature gives her an edge in avoiding threatening or antagonising others?


Post here again when you’ve had a look at these, and Alice should be good to go!

Alice Baker
Hi Espi, welcome to V6. Alice is a good start, but is DENIED pending some revision.


In the interest section, ‘fanfiction writing’ should really just be ‘writing’, considering that you’ve mentioned other forms of writing such as short stories and general writings alongside fanfiction.


Appearance looks good, with two small points:

Quote:
 
She is slender, with long, bony arms and legs and graceful fingers


Graceful fingers is a bit flowery and not entirely clear in this context. I’d appreciate it if you used a different word.

You’ve mentioned that her skin is clear of blemishes twice.


The biography has a few areas that I’d like to see more elaboration on:

Why were Daniel and Louise distant from their children? If Louise is a homemaker than she must be spending a significant portion of the day with them, especially when they’re so young. A little elaboration on why they’re like this would be great.

Why didn’t her parents object to Molly bullying Alice?

Did her parents respond at all to Alice being so upset over her inability to read, like trying to teach her some basic reading before she started school?

Why does she prefer those genres of books?

Why did she go for music as a means to express herself?

Quote:
 
The sweet, clear music it created appealed to her, melancholy and sorrowful or joyous and exuberant.


This is a bit too flowery again; remember to keep to an objective tone.

When did Alice get an interest in fanfictions? So far you’ve only mentioned her liking novels.

Quote:
 
As such, she has only a small group of dedicated friends, mostly those who share her love for art, literature or music. She isn’t especially unpopular, though; she is inoffensive and nice, just not very personable. She doesn’t have a lot of enemies, but she has only a few friends. To most, she is simply a not-unwelcome presence.


This bit feels like it’s repeating itself, since you’ve essentially said ‘she doesn’t offend people but doesn’t have many friends’ a few times. As such, it could do with a bit of a rewrite.

Is Alice not taking art class? Does she not do well in it? The subject seems quite relevant to her personal passions to not be mentioned.

If Molly lives at home and Alice is worried about the cost of living separately, what’s stopping her from living at home too?


As for advantages:

Quote:
 
Alice’s reticent behavior and slight stature makes her a good candidate to avoid other’s violent intents.


I don’t understand what you’re trying to say here. She’s modest and small so people won’t try to attack her? Because that’s unlikely to really hold water on the island.

Quote:
 
She is smart and level-headed and a good decision-maker.


I’m not seeing much justification for being level-headed or a good decision maker in the profile.


Post here when you’ve tackled these points, and I’ll be happy to give Alice another look!

A Wild Beard Appears; A Pathfinder Experience
And then Lori was a productive team member who didn't antagonise or inconvenience anyone.