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Gilbert Pohlmann
Hi rosbowag, and welcome to SOTF! Gilbert's a good start, but he's DENIED until you make a few revisions. Don't worry, though; most profiles are not accepted on their first review.Without further ado, here are the things I'd like fixed:

Gilbert's appearance is mostly well described, but I'd really like some numbers for his height and weight. There are also a couple of small grammatical errors I'd like cleaned up. You need a "he's" or something after the semicolon in the first sentence, and I think "deep set" should be hyphenated. Finally, I'm not a big fan of the term "interchangeable". I get what you mean, but it's got some strong stereotypical implications. I'd rather you use "indistinguishable from" or something of the sort.

Gilbert's biography is again pretty good, but there are a few things I want to see fleshed out. You repeatedly mention that he doesn't stand out at school, but I don't see why that is. In fact, I learn very little about Gilbert's personality in general from his biography. How does he treat others? How does he act around school? Which classes are his favorites? Is he a successful student, or does he barely pass?

I also want to know what happened to his father. It's a crucial part of his backstory, so I'd like it elaborated on. In a similar vein, I'd like to know why Gilbert became so interested in the church, since he was initially not fond of it.

The biggest issue I have right now is that I don't know why Gilbert is insecure, or why he doesn't have a social life, or anything about his school life that doesn't relate to hockey. If you flesh him out some more in these areas, that'll help a lot.

One little technical issue: Bayview is in Saint Paul, which is several hours drive from any real prairies, making commutes impractical at best. Gilbert should probably live in the city, and a note about him moving there at some point would be appreciated.

There are also a few small grammatical issues. In the second paragraph of Gilbert's biography, you probably want to use "when" instead of "since". In the third paragraph, I'd like you to change "having not much of a" to "not having much of a". I'd also like the "No" deleted from "No, Gilbert was happy to just be one of the guys." It's a bit too informal for the bio.

Finally, as to advantages and disadvantages: these are things that should come up in the bio. Gilbert's athletic ability makes perfect sense, but I'm confused by his insecurity. Also, can he be swayed by anyone, or just his group of friends? If it's a general thing, I'd like to know why. The bit about his religion is good, though.

So, welcome again to SOTF! Post here again when you've got the things I've asked for fixed up, and I'll give Gilbert another look. He's a very good first attempt, and I don't think it'll take too much to get him ready for pregame!

V4 Moderator Selections
Thanks everyone, and congrats to all the other new mods!

Siegfried "Siggy" Mueller
Alright. Siegfried is DENIED pending some revisions. To start with, there are still lots of grammar and spelling errors in the profile. They are marked in red. My suggestions are marked in green.

Other issues are addressed below the profile.
Quote:
 
Name: Siegfried "Siggy" Mueller
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Grade: Senior [12th]
School: Bayview Secondary School
Hobbies and Interests: visiting Festivals "festivals" should not be capitalized. Also, please state what sort of festival you mean., listening to metal, smoking, drinking beer, reading fantasy novels and mangas, norse mythology

Appearance: Siegfried is a very tall man because of his german "german should be capitalized. heritagea comma should go here standing at a height of 6' 3" andyou should probably start a new sentence here is a little fat with a weight of 226 pounds. He is not well trained What does this mean? and pretty pale with just a light tan on the arms and the face and I'd start a new sentence here with "He" sports a small beer belly. He gotYou use "got a lot when the proper word is "has". If "got" is in red, please replace it with "has" long natural blonde hair that areIn English, hair is singular, so this should be "is" thick and go down to the middle of his back, that are normally put to a ponytail,This phrase is really messy. Could you clean it up a bit? and sports a two inch long goatee with mustache. He got green-brownish eyes in a oval form, which normally got This should actually be "have" an angry look in them. His eyebrows are arched and thick. He got a pretty rough and mature face which makes him look prettyYou use "pretty" a lot. Things would flow more nicely if you removed it where it isn't needed. grim. His nose is of normal size without any particular characteristics and under it, hidden in his beard, are lips in a light red tone of moderate sizeThis is a bit clunky. Maybe change it up some, to "light red, moderately-sized lips" or something of the sort.. His teeth are a little yellow because of the smoking. Overall he looks like he is between 23-28 depending on the person who is guessing. This end bit is unneeded and a bit too informal.

He normally wears black pants covered in chains or normal black jeans held with a belt covered in small nails. On the left side of his belt he got a drinkinghorn in white with a brown texture and a small bag made of brown fur in which he puts his handy, purse, cigarettes and fire. I'm not quite sure what these things are. Could you find an alternate word? He normally wears black t-shirts of his favorite bands or covered with skull-motives I think you probably mean "motifs" and a dark blue vest over it. He also sports a pair of black combat boots that he needs for festivals, since they are good for long marches and walking through mud. His right arm is covered with 19 festival wristbands, in different colors, signaling which festivals he has seen so far. He wears a silver ring with tribal on it Tribal what?on his left middle finger and around his neck a necklace with a Thor's hammer.


Biography: Siegfried is a student from Germany who came to visit Maybe add "the USA for" a year in America cut the preceding red bit through an exchange student programme. Since no one could really speak out I think "pronounce' would work better. his name, people started calling him Siggy.

Siegfried's parents divorced when he was still just a baby, when his father caught his wife cheating. She left the family leading I think you mean "leaving" Siegfried and his 2 years older brother to being cut this raised by their father alone, who To keep this sentence nice, I'd end it and start here with "He" would get despaired having to work and take care of 2 children who might not even be his own. Whenever he was strained he would hit his sons, but when they grew up their father stopped, fearing Siegfried and his brother from that point on this isn't needed since they had gotten stronger than their father. I'd replace "their father" with "him" Siegfried, in contrary "contrast" to his brother however Replace with a comma never held a grudge against his father for the abuse, because Siegfried thought that this upbringing was a good thing and teached Taught him to not get to remove the red bit. be a lazy, greedy or arrogant person.

In summer when he was 6 he fell of a tree and broke his arm which lead to him fearing any kind of high place, even just being on 4th floor of a building or him Delete, please thinking of being in a high place gets him to freak out.

In school Siegfried was only moderate to I'd change to "moderately successful due to" the fact that he couldn't stay focused on the teachings for long without getting distracted. Only when it came to themes about the middle ages or mythical stuff mythology he would bring up the energy to concentrate long enough, which brought him to start reading fantasy novels and getting interested into old cultures, in particular the norse culture. This should be a few sentences He later found his first manga in the library near the fantasy novels leading him to take a liking to them too. This doesn't quite follow. Please elaborate.

His social life in school was awful, ; since he didn't talked much and was more into his books than any pop culture, he started becoming became pretty shy around people, becoming more and more an outcast. First wWhen he was 14 and his big brother, whom he looked up as a idol, since he was respected at school for being individual and strong, showed him heavy metal music, in which he found something new that interested him and something which brought him in contact with other people. That was the point where he really started socializing with other people, but even then he was pretty shy and since he looked grim, most people had a hard time approaching him.

It was also his brother from who he copied features like his style of clothes, starting smoking, drinking beer and taking bets for disgusting things like what things he would be ready to eat. He also had more contact with his brother than before through common friends and interests. Also his brother could take him out to partyies, since their parents restricted him going out alone being under 16. With his brother at his side he was also allowed to visit festivals where he could see metal bands live and would often jump into mosh pits where he would build built up quite some strength. On at the festivals, he would always camp in the free This term doesn't exist in English. Please explain what you mean  for several days in a row. With 17 he saw a chance to surpass his brother through an exchange programme to America that would give him the chance to watch famous aAmerican bands that he would never see otherwise.

At Bayview High he is pretty much an outcast not fitting in the pop culture standards of most students and thus either being cast aside totally or accepted as student but with social contactss being avoided. Only the open minded students, or students csharing the same interests as him, seem interested in socializing with him.

Since music became a important part of his life he got the habit of always singing songs in his head or even out loud, which also helps him with his feelings when depressed or angry.

Advantages: experienced with camping in the free please explain, coolheaded and able to keep his feelings down, can get quite strong for a short period of time, not easy to disgust. Also he got no real bounds to most of his classmates thus he should have no second thoughts about killing someone if provoked to do so.
Disadvantages: fear of high places that goes into paranoia, no endurance and slow runner due to smoking, can't concentrate for long, bad memory and due to his grim look not the person people would start trusting from one moment to the other.


Elbandi, Siggy is going to take a bit of work to get up to pregame standards. To start with, his appearance is a little odd. A two inch goatee would take quite a while to grow, especially since he's only eighteen. It's not impossible, I'd just like to see a not about him developing facial hair early. You also say that his eyes normally look angry. Why? This seems odd, and also a warning sign that Siggy will be a guaranteed player, which isn't something we should be able to tell from the profile.

I'm also not at all sold on him looking 23-28. I don't know anyone who looks ten years older than their actual age. He can look older, but that much strains credibility.

Siggy's clothing presents other issues. A drinking horn would not be allowed in a public school. In the US, the drinking age is 21, and alcohol paraphernalia is prohibited on school grounds. I'd like a little more description of his festival armbands too, since they're something unusual. The custom isn't something people in the US are familiar with.

Siggy's biography raises some concerns for me too. I can't understand why he wouldn't hold a grudge against his father for hitting him. You state that he thinks it was for his own good, but I don't see why he feels this way, especially since his respected brother does not. I'd like to see a little more about this. I'd also like to see something more about how Siggy feels about his absentee mother. Does he miss her? Does he care?

I'd like to know a bit more about why Siggy could only focus on the mythological and historical parts of his education. I understand that these things are important to him, but I don't know why. I'd also like a bit of a better explanation for his like of manga.

I'm a little confused when you say that Siggy saw a chance to "surpass" his brother, because up until this point they have not seemed very competitive with each other. I'd like a little more explanation on that point.

I'm not quite sure what makes Siggy an outcast at Bayview. Heavy Metal is all the rage among certain social groups these days, and his isolation seems sort of forced to me. From what I've seen, many students try to get to know exchange students, and teachers encourage it. I feel like the only reason Siggy doesn't have close connections is so he won't feel bad playing the game, and that's not a good enough reason. Please elaborate further on his unpopularity, if you want to keep it as an element of his character.

I'd really like to see Siggy's advantages and disadvantages redone. They should be written out in sentences, not the list format you currently have. They also should flow naturally from his biography. You do a good job with this for the most part, but I have no clue why Siggy is coolheaded.

Also, the advantages section contains my number one biggest problem with Siggy: "Also he got no real bounds to most of his classmates thus he should have no second thoughts about killing someone if provoked to do so." This has to go. We're looking for normal high school students, and no normal person would have "no second thoughts" about killing. Right now this, combined with other elements of Siggy's profile, make me pretty sure that he's going to be a player (players being those who actively kill people in SOTF). I shouldn't be able to see that coming.

If you want a look at the sort of stuff we're looking for, take a glance at the approved profiles. Post after you've edited Siggy and I'll give him another look.

In Loving Memory of Jerred Guillen
I really don't know what to say or write here. It all seems so insignificant. I didn't know Jerred nearly as well as I would have liked to, but he was one of the kindest, friendliest, most caring people on the board. He was a wonderful guy all around, and I'll miss him a ton.

I'm sort of in shock right now.

I don't really know what to say about all this except that I'm so, so sorry that it happened. Theresa, I'm so sorry about all this.

Board Mafia - Game Thread
Just for the record, if D/N is right, I'm hitting as per his instructions, and targeting Face unless he changes his mind. If he's wrong, I'm taking him out. If there isn't enough of a vote for a lynch, I'm taking Greg out.

Simply Studying
Everett escorted Marion back to the school, holding the door to the gym for her. She soon returned, shielding her dry clothes from the rain. Everett was actually somewhat surprised; he had expected her to change in the locker room.

What, and get soaked all over again? You don't think this sort of thing through very well. This is exactly why you need to beg help with your homework.

He ignored the fact that he was usually the one helping other people with their homework; it didn't fit well with his current opinion of himself.

She asked which lab he thought was open, which gave him pause. Were any of them? Probably.

"I'm not exactly sure," he said, "we can just take a look and see if any are free. If not, oh well."

Marion then explained her reasoning for not yet changing. It was as Everett had expected. It was so obvious in retrospect, but had he been in Marion's position he would be soaked right now.

Marion retrieved her backpack, returned to the school, and ducked into a bathroom. She soon emerged, having changed into her dry clothes. That was good. Everett felt far less uncomfortable now that she was decent. One of his least favorite parts of school was when girls dressed provocatively. Sure, it was appealing, but it was distracting in the extreme. He was at school to do well, not ogle pretty girls.

She thanked him for waiting, and he replied, "Hey, no problem. Thank you for being willing to help me. If I'm actually able to figure out how this thing's supposed to work, it'll be great."

Anniversary Party
Rather timidly, Jennifer walked over to the passenger side of Maf's car. She wasn't quite sure what the protocol for accepting rides was. Should she just get in, or should she wait to be formally invited? Well, he had opened the door for her.That was a pretty direct invitation, right? She waited for a second, considering, then just got in.

That wasn't so hard, was it?

Immediately upon sitting down, Jennifer buckled the seatbelt. There was no point taking silly risks, after all. She then looked over at Maf and said, "Um, hey, thanks again. My house really isn't very far at all. Um, let me give you directions."

She explained the quickest route she knew, talking rather slowly to make sure she got it right. The last thing she needed was to get Maf lost.

Board Mafia - Game Thread
I think I know what's going on, and I think I know what TDS is up to. I vote we get behind him on this one. He's right; if he's screwing around, he'll be jumped big time. Sorry Greg.

Vote: Greg

Board Mafia - Game Thread
I did notice Face's absence, and it makes sense. I think the least suspicious people right now are R-S-Lee, Mimi, and Pigeon. As I've said before, I'm pretty sure that the mafia doesn't have post restrictions, as Mimi and Pigeon obviously do. R-S-Lee is vindicated by TDS' death.

In fact, I think those three are in the best position to decide my night target. I'll default to their judgment.

One thing: I can't seem to find where Zetta claimed pro-town. We know he was, but I can't fault the vigilante since I don't think he ever actually said he was. Maybe I'm wrong, though.

Right now, the evidence seems to be pointing at Geno. I'm pretty darn suspicious in light of last night's developments. I'm not voting until I hear a little more, but Geno, you're sort of on the spot here. I'd like to hear your defense.

Board Mafia - Game Thread
I'll go ahead and pop whoever the town as a whole asks me to. Then the vigilante can pick their own target or something.

Also, I would like to note that TDS' death confirms R-S-Lee as pro-town. That means he'll probably die tonight, though, unless we get the hitman today. Also, I'm pretty sure Mimi is pro-town. Not 100% on Pigeon, but I lean towards him being pro-town too.

Board Mafia - Game Thread
Greg makes a very good point there. I'd forgotten Geno's claim. I'm still suspicious of the people who didn't claim pro-town, as one of them could easily be the godfather (who may have forgotten that they could get TDS).

I think we've got to look at more than last round's actions to get any sort of handle on things. I also think we may need to reassess our thoughts about the number of mafia involved. I don't think the mafia has a roleblocker, but I bet they have at least a hitman and a godfather left. We'll know the godfather if someone tags someone during the night phase and they don't die.

Board Mafia - Game Thread
Ah, my mistake. In that case, Dodd's pretty much near the bottom of my suspicion list. It occurs to me that Joemamma probably knew they could get off the night kill, and thus may have claimed pro-town early. I'm looking at Greg and Solo here.

For now, I'm not voting, as I'd rather not see someone lynched before they get to defend themself (we really can't afford mistakes any more) but I'm leaning heavily towards Solo here. He's been on my radar for a while now, and we're sort of low on suspects.

Board Mafia - Game Thread
Erm... that wasn't pretty. I realized about three minutes after night phase began that our plan had a crucial flaw: the mafia may have a hitman. Hitmen pierce protection. If Joemamma's a hitman, as I suspect, they could kill TDS with impunity. Otherwise they wouldn't have even tried. I do suspect, though, that we have another doctor out there, since I'm curable by doctor, not nurse.

I suspect Solo, but I've got to say I'm also getting pretty bad vibes from Dodd. Yesterday, he "forgot" to claim to be pro-town. Not that it matters, since by the rules TDS gets only a "bah" post, not an informational one.

We have to be very careful if the town's going to win this one.

Project: Wiki
I took care of Raven. I'll try to do a couple more soon.

D&D Night
Everyone was just sitting there, staring at him. It was sort of awkward. Had his description been good enough to strike them all dumb? Apparently so.

Will looked shocked for a second, then calm. That was good. Will understood that sometimes you won and sometimes you lost. Today, the party had lost. Accepting that was how you coped. Aaron had lost several characters in his years playing roleplaying games, and he could see his own acceptance mirrored in Will.

Alice was harder to read. She was newer to the game, so she might not get that this stuff happened sometimes. She didn't seem that upset, though, so it wasn't a big deal. She was a mature person, so she'd be fine.

Bounce, well, Bounce was looking at him differently. She seemed annoyed. That, too, was understandable. She'd just been thwarted, and rather epicly at that. Oh well. She was smart, and she usually came out on top of things, but bad things happened to good characters (and people), and she'd move on and make a new character. Hopefully she wouldn't cause too much trouble while doing so.

Aaron looked around at each of them. The silence was getting a little oppressive, but he didn't feel it was his place to break it. He rolled his shoulders and stretched a bit. He fidgeted with a d20.

Someone will say something sooner or later...

Anniversary Party
Maf tossed his stuff into the car, and seemed just about to drive off, bringing their little encounter to an end. Then, out of nowhere, he turned around and offered her a ride. Just like that.

Say no...

Jennifer normally never took rides from classmates. Most of the people her age weren't exactly good drivers, and the thought of getting in a wreck made her very nervous. She didn't plan on dying anytime soon, so why take stupid risks?

Still, Maf was being extraordinarily kind. It would be rude to turn his offer down. Besides, he was probably a good driver, and she lived quite near the mall.

"Um, sure," Jennifer said, "Sure. Thanks a ton. I mean, if it's not a hassle or anything. I, um, I live pretty near here."

She took a few steps closer, making sure not to seem too pushy. It could have just been a token offer, but she didn't think so. Besides, a ride would be nice for a change. It would give her a little time to rest before meeting her friends that night.

Anniversary Party
Sure enough, she'd been right. Just stress. Totally understandable. Hell, he'd apologized; she could even forget the "girl" thing.

Maf had made his way to his car, and looked like he was about to head out, until he turned around and thanked her. He actually thanked her. Jennifer suddenly became happily aware of the poor lighting in the parking garage: with any luck it was hiding her blush.

"Hey, um... No problem. Really."

Was that a stupid way to accept thanks? Maybe, but right now she didn't really care. She'd done the right thing, and someone had appreciated it. She almost left her statement at that, but it just seemed a little... incomplete somehow.

"Look," she said, "you don't need to prove anything to anyone. You can just, um, let them go or something. Graduation's coming up, and you'll probably never see them again."

Way to sound patronizing... Fuck.

Simply Studying
"I'm sorry to hear that about your parents," Everett said. His parents were still happily together, unlike those of so many of his classmates. Sometimes, he almost felt like he was part of some sort of weird minority, what with his overall lack of family drama.

Except, of course, that I'm never good enough for my parents. Never good enough for myself.

He didn't know exactly how to respond to Marion's comments about saying the wrong things or saving the environment. Truth be told, while he cared about the environment, he didn't actually do anything about it. Well, he recycled, when it wasn't too inconvenient. That was something. He decided to let that part of her statement go.

Then Marion offered to help him out with actually building the thing. That would probably be the best way to do it. He couldn't understand why he hadn't thought of it himself. Here he'd been, out in the cold, when he could have just borrowed an empty room and done the project.

I can be so stupid sometimes...

Marion also made a comment about changing. That would be good. That would make her much less distracting, and make the whole situation much less awkward.

"Yeah, you look cold," he said to her, "I'd love any help you can give. I'm sorry I don't have another jacket to loan you."

He put his book and notes neatly into his backpack, then zipped it up.

"My backpack's waterproof if you want to hold it over you head or something. I don't mind getting a little wet."

Board Mafia - Game Thread
I think my role will be pretty well proved at the end of this night phase, for the record.

Away
I've picked up a 101.3 degree fever, and may be gone for a couple days. Sorry to anyone this inconveniences. I'll do my best to pop into mafia during the night phase, as that's something I can do quickly, but don't expect any posts for a couple of days. Sorry arscapi.

EDIT: My fever has cleared up overnight, and I should be active semi-normally later today or tomorrow.