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League of Legends Mafia Game Thread
My ideal list in order I'd like to see them claim. I'm doing it in clumps to account for lower activity/odd timing with pregame starting and such.

1. Maddie/NAFT
2. Espi/Boogie
3. Fenris/Un/Bik/Jace

Jace goes because he's not been around a ton and I don't want to wait too long. There's also the Garen factor--Garen getting outed could land him in trouble, but at this point I doubt he'd draw fire over a claimed cop in most circumstances.

Dana Reyes
Hey, Arcana! Dana's looking a lot better, but there are still a few minor areas where she could use tweaks.

"Ricky was born in Kingston" <- Do you mean Kingman, or one of the cities called Kingston in the US? I think it's Kingman contextually, but want to make sure. Also, where did Dana'a parents meet?

If Dana's father worked with a large company, why was work so intermittent for him?

The Sword in the Stone paragraph and the TV paragraph should probably both be combined with the parents' occupations paragraph, or maybe split in a different place, either like this:
Quote:
 
Her mother worked at the public library as a circulation clerk, while her father did construction for a large firm. Because of the erratic nature of the construction jobs Ricky took on, the family had frequent dry spells in which Joyce’s library job was their only source of income and they had to rely on savings. Because of this, Dana often had to get creative with how she entertained herself as her family frequently couldn’t afford the latest popular toys. Some of her favorite playthings were found objects. Her mother once caught her attempting to fight the oven using the trashcan lid as a shield, the broom as a lance, and a pot on her head as a helmet after watching ‘The Sword in the Stone.’ Her family did, however, have a TV and Saturday morning cartoons were one of the rare times the whole family sat together regularly. Dana would continue to get up early and watch them long after the rest of her class outgrew them.

or like this:
Quote:
 
Her mother worked at the public library as a circulation clerk, while her father did construction for a large firm. Because of the erratic nature of the construction jobs Ricky took on, the family had frequent dry spells in which Joyce’s library job was their only source of income and they had to rely on savings.

Because of this, Dana often had to get creative with how she entertained herself as her family frequently couldn’t afford the latest popular toys. Some of her favorite playthings were found objects. Her mother once caught her attempting to fight the oven using the trashcan lid as a shield, the broom as a lance, and a pot on her head as a helmet after watching ‘The Sword in the Stone.’ Her family did, however, have a TV and Saturday morning cartoons were one of the rare times the whole family sat together regularly. Dana would continue to get up early and watch them long after the rest of her class outgrew them.

I personally favor the second option, as it's easier to read.

"pnumonia" -> "pneumonia"

"her little hands weren’t quite dexterous enough to get the hang of it ." -> "her little hands weren’t quite dexterous enough to get the hang of it.'

Can I get just a bit more about how being picked on helped Dana build empathy?

"Chapman University, Orange in California" -> "Chapman University in Orange, California"

I'd also like to see maybe one more disadvantage added to Dana to help round her out. Perhaps her tendency to be talked into helping people could be a good place to look?

Post when you've got that all edited, and I'll give Dana another look. I'd also just like to say good job on the first round of edits; you took care of the vast bulk of the issues and got in-depth where appropriate. :)

Alvaro Vacanti
Heya, Yugi! Alvaro's looking a lot better, but there are still a few things that could use some tweaking.

How bad is Alvaro's eyesight? I'm still a bit thrown by his wearing his reading glasses all the time. Might it work better if he was mildly nearsighted instead? I only suggest this change because wearing reading glasses at all times is really unusual, but wearing regular glasses at all times is normal and if he's only mildly affected there won't be too notable a difference in the effects on his life.

I'd actually generally rather Alvaro's social issues be referred to as "social anxiety"--"paranoia" just makes it sound like a bigger deal than it seems to be.

Alvaro's rationale for moving generally is much better, but I have a few questions still. Why didn't they move Alejandro to Mexico City instead of moving the whole family to him? Also, I'm a bit curious about where Alvaro's family hails from--Mexico does have a pretty decent local Caucasian population, but I'm wondering how long Alvaro's family has been in Mexico, and whether he has any other extended family and where they live.

I'm still really not sold on the degree of Alvaro's paranoia, because it just manifests out of nowhere in a way that makes it feel a lot more like a symptom of some existing problem than a natural progression of events. I don't buy that he could keep it totally secret, especially when it's something that affects how he interacts with others (who do tend to pick up on such things). I'd like to see a more clear explanation and fallout for this, a scaling back of the magnitude, or, ideally, a bit of both.

"a café that was bigger and had bigger service than Vacanti's" <- I don't quite follow what you mean by bigger service. can you rephrase that?

"after School" -> "after school"

"He generally likes working at the café, as it's a social experience that allows him to talk to new people every day." <- this seems really odd given Alvaro's social anxiety. Is he able to interact with customers more easily than classmates for some reason? It's fine if he is; I'd just like to know why.

"School Library" -> "school library"

Can you rephrase "the PDHPE and HSIE courses" please? I looked them up and get what you mean, but the acronyms aren't common in the US, so it may end up confusing to others. I think generally speaking, "health class" is PDHPE and "social studies" is roughly HSIE.

Subjects shouldn't be capitalized unless they're languages.

"clubs; and has formed a" -> "clubs, and has formed a"

Do many people bully or make fun of Alvaro? Can we get a bit more detail there? It might help explain his anxiety a bit more.

"After Alvaro finishes school, Alvaro wishes to take a business course" -> "After he finishes school, Alvaro wishes to take a business course"

Harvard is really tough to get into, and tuition is expensive once you do. Has Alvaro applied to any backup schools?

"After he finishes, he plans on taking over the business back in Mexico, so that his dad has less work on his plate while working in the USA." <- this info has changed, so it should just be edited to agree with his new motivations (letting his dad retire).

I'd like a tiny bit more info on how Alvaro gets along with his family, especially his mother and his uncle, who don't really come up in his bio at present.

Can we hear a little more about Alvaro's poor planning, especially outside of chess? Might that be why he only applied to Harvard? I'm not against it as a disadvantage; I just want to see it shine through a bit more.

Post when you've got Alvaro edited, and I'll give him another look. Thanks!

Jerry Fury
APPROVED

Next time, I'm not touching your stuff after 10 PM so I don't ask for incorrect grammar changes. ><

Adelaide Walker
Hey again! Adelaide is looking a lot better, but there are still a few areas that could use some touching up (mostly grammar-related).

What changed when Adelaide entered elementary school to make her parents more busy? Wouldn't they have more free time with her in school for a chunk of every day?

Adelaide's acting out for attention sounds like a fairly obvious cause and effect scenario. Why were her parents unable to figure it out? Did she tell them what was going on? If not, why not?

Locking a young child in a room alone is a serious, serious problem--the sort of thing that could land a company in big time legal trouble, and that I struggle to imagine them ever agreeing to. More than that, it's something that's an extremely obvious source of trauma, and casts Chase as a very negligent parent. I'd ideally like to see the incident cut, but if it persists, it's going to need a lot more detail, especially given the fact that that lasting trauma manifests immediately.

My research indicates that Kingman's airport actually does not service Las Vegas.

"Though she is wary of cooking because of the less controlled sense of recipes," <- I don't quite follow here. Aren't most recipes pretty structured? Or does her father cook from experience/memory, thus giving her less opportunity to examine the directions? Baking and cooking tend to be relatively similar in complexity--it's just as easy to mess up a souffle as a complicated dinner.

Adelaide's reasons for staying closeted are looking a lot better, but I just have a few questions. Why does she keep quiet even at school? Is her family connected enough socially to other families in Kingman that the information might make its way back to them? Is Marie judgmental at all? I'm seeing some implications that she may be a bit so, given Adelaide's hesitance to invite friends over, but it'd be nice to see made explicit.

Can I have a bit more about Adelaide feeling out of control of her life?

Adelaide's increased focus around friends could use a bit of development in her bio. How does she feel about the small group she's particularly close to?

Adelaide's difficulties being alone should also come up a bit more in her bio.

And a bit of grammar:

"When Adelaide entered elementary school, both her parents had such busy schedules that they resorted nannies, who that would pick the girl up from school" -> "When Adelaide entered elementary school, both her parents had such busy schedules that they resorted to nannies, who would pick the girl up from school"

"Among them were lesson" -> "Among them were lessons"

"and more as a daycare until one of them could get her." -> "and more as a daycare until one of her parents could get her."

"Though she was around 73, though a serious injury it was not life threatening." -> "Though a serious injury for the 73-year-old, it was not life threatening."

"all three came to the conclusion it was time for them to downsize." -> "All three came to the conclusion it was time for them to downsize."

"since they kept their first home is Las Vegas" -> "since they kept their first home in Las Vegas"

"Despite all the outlets they offered their child, tennis was the only thing from her childhood that stuck with Adelaide." -> "Despite all the outlets Saki and Chase offered their child, tennis was the only thing from her childhood that stuck with Adelaide."

"The only traditions they did have was Adelaide's parents and relatives on her mother's side gave her Otoshidama" -> "The only traditions they did have was Adelaide's parents and relatives on her mother's side giving her Otoshidama"

"She more busy than Chase" -> "She is more busy than Chase"

"Adelaide originally joined track and field I sophomore year" -> "Adelaide originally joined track and field in sophomore year"

"the feeling she has when her arms swinging her racket" -> "the feeling she has when her arms are swinging her racket"

Only language subjects should be capitalized.

These sentences: "Because of her affluent lifestyle compared to many other Kingman residents and her athletics, Adelaide has earned a solid place of popularity among the school. Her cold attitude is a turn off to people who may think she's a snob." seem to contradict each other. A way to make them flow better might be to connect them, as follows: "Because of her affluent lifestyle compared to many other Kingman residents and her athletics, Adelaide has earned a solid place of popularity among the school, though her cold attitude is a turn off to some people who may think she's a snob." which clarifies that she's both popular and somewhat perceived as snobby, often by different groups.

"Because of her grades and athletics, Adelaide is considered moderately popular." can be cut as the information is in the paragraph above.

Post when you've got that handled, and I'll give Adelaide another look. Thanks!

Tyler "Ty" Yazzie
Heya, Doc! Ty's profile is a really good start, but he is DENIED pending a bit of tweaking.

The phrasing of Ty's lip piercings is a little ambiguous--does he have two piercings under each side of his lip, or two total, one under each side? The same ambiguity is present for his nose--if it's two piercings per side, that one can stay as-is, but if it's two total that should be made more explicit.

I'd like a bit more detail behind Ty's wardrobe, because right now it's a sort of odd mixing of extremely cheap and rather high-end fashion choices. Tattoos and comic book paraphernalia tends to be pricey. If Ty can afford that sort of stuff, why does he wear ratty hand-me-down clothes? Is it an intentional style that he's cultivating?

What ethnicity is Ty?

Did Amadia get any flak about taking his wife's name? Even today, such things are a little bit uncommon and tend to attract attention.

How old were Ty's parents when they had him? With his birth sixteen years after the start of their relationship, which only commenced after his father had already failed in multiple business ventures, it sounds like he at least would have to be in his mid-late thirties, if not older.

Were all of Ty's siblings brothers?

Obinze's age is a little unclear; was he thirteen when Ty was born? What are the relative ages of Ty's other brothers? I'd also like a little bit more detail on each of them throughout his profile--right now, most only have a characteristic or two, but even in a large family individuals are quite important.

"boys being boys" is a bit informal and unclear. Can this be rephrased to avoid the direct quotation?

I'm having a bit of trouble with Ty's parents' reaction to Obinze's constant harassment of his siblings. Surely they'd notice, at some point, this sort of cycle, especially with the youngest being constantly singled out. There's a huge difference between siblings of roughly similar ages targeting each other and a sixteen year old pushing around a toddler. By the time Ty was of age to start elementary school, Obinze would be (assuming I'm correct in pegging his age at thirteen upon Ty's birth) old enough to move out of the house.

It seems a little odd to me that Ty's parents would take enough time to properly understand and impress upon all of their sons the correct ways of dealing with Atsa, but at the same time would be so lacking in understanding of the dynamics at play in the other relationships among their children.

Why did Ty keeps his interest in flowers hidden? Did his mother not share it with the rest of the family? If not, why not?

Why did Ty's anger at being harassed manifest so differently in different circumstances? Outside of school, it seems like his coping strategy invariably was passive evasion, so what made him more willing to turn aggressor when confronted on school grounds? Why did this aggression concern his parents, when all of their older sons' behaviors made no real impression?

What sort of disastrous results did Ty's camping trips have? Did anyone ever get hurt?

What branches of anarchy and nihilism did Ty find appealing or, more specifically, how did these views manifest in him? Did he find any complications in disparaging systems of power after having experienced firsthand the suffering that can be caused when such systems fail to protect their weakest members? Did this further or hinder his anarchist views?

Can we get a little more detail about Ty's musings into his identity in light of Marcus' arrest?

What about body modification appeals to Ty? Also, how do his parents feel about his body modification interest? While they may be alright with it in passing, how do they feel when confronted by the specifics? In Arizona, parents actually have to be physically present for a minor to get tattooed, so they'd end up quite familiar with the process.

I'd like a little more detail on Bernadette. Who is she? How did she and Ty meet? What drew them together?

Has Ty made any attempts to brush up on his basics? Is he aware of his lack in these areas?

How does Ty reconcile his distrust of authority figures with the realities of the dangers posed by their absence? Did his brother's criminal activity have any impact upon his worldview?

While Ty may not know why his father has issues with Bernadette, it's something pretty important to their family dynamic, given her status as one of the most important relationships in his life at present, so at least a cursory explanation would be good to have.

How has the deterioration of Ty's parents affected him and the rest of his family?

I'd like a bit more detail on a few aspects of Ty's hobbies and interests, and of his life as a whole. His interest in comics is dealt with in a pretty cursory fashion. has he carried it through until the present? What about comics appeals to him? Where did his shame regarding horticulture come from, especially given its status at the core of his family's livelihood? How do his anarchic political views play out in school, besides getting him the occasional detention? Aside from the wrestling team, who are his friends? How does he act around them, and around those he's not so close to? When he was younger, what form did his bullying take?

I'd like a bit more detail on on Ty's history as potential advantage--his bio makes it sound like a lot of his ability in that area is in the names and dates side of things, which is of dubious use on the island.

I'm not really buying Ty's relationship with his brothers as a disadvantage. While it may be something quite personal to him, given the age gap between him and the ones he had the most trouble with, most of his classmates would have never even met them, and would probably be unaware of Ty's troubles with them unless specifically told. I'd also like to see a little more variety in Ty's disadvantages--right now, every one of them stems from social interactions, and usually directly or indirectly from his temper, while his advantages are a lot broader. Is there some other area in which he has notable drawbacks?

The biggest issue I'm having with Ty's profile right now, though, is the degree of trauma inflicted upon him by his brothers--it seems very odd for that sort of thing to go unchecked, especially when targeted towards the youngest sibling (who would be the one most frequently around/reliant on the parents and most obviously unable to defend himself) and particularly given the magnitude of the age gap between Ty and his eldest siblings and the severity of the lasting negative effects it had on him.

And a bit of grammar:

"Ty 5'10" and weighs 176 lbs." -> "Ty stands at 5'10" and weighs 176 lbs."

There's an extra period here: "His torso is compact and well defined with lean muscle.."

"filled by Yetunde.While Marcus" -> "filled by Yetunde. While Marcus"

"Ty had a tendency to lash out verbally and physically, and gave him a reputation as a bully" -> "Ty had a tendency to lash out verbally and physically, which gave him a reputation as a bully"

"his actions in the path" -> "his actions in the past"

"The changes in his personality as well as their closer friendship caused romantic feelings to grow between the pair" -> "The changes in his personality as well as their closer friendship caused romantic feelings to grow between him an Bernadette"

"At Cochise High, Ty is a prominent member of the Cochise wrestling team" -> "Ty is a prominent member of the Cochise wrestling team" (the initial prepositional phrase is rendered redundant by the clarification later)

Post when you've got that taken care of, an I'll give Ty another look. Thanks!

League of Legends Mafia Game Thread
Yugikun
Apr 28 2015, 12:07 AM
Yeah, what they do in game and what relationships they have.
Darius is basically Garen's evil opposite. He's a tough fighter who works for Noxus (sort of the bad guys, but it's a bit complicated). He can drag people in and then kill them.

Shaco is this weird evil jester--think sort of Jokerish. He's sneaky, luring people into ambushes, fighting with poison, and with the ability to create a clone to fight for him and take shots meant for him. He's not directly connected to Noxus and Darius, IIRC, so I suspect we're a general "Good guys vs. bad guys" flavor.

Also, if Vyse doesn't get back to me by tomorrow night, I'll draw up the list. Please poke to remind me.

League of Legends Mafia Game Thread
Yugikun
Apr 27 2015, 11:35 PM
Hey, Murder, could you give us some info on the mafia reported for the kill? It could help us with alleigances.
Like, flavor stuff?

Dana Reyes
Heya, ArcanaFire! Welcome to SOTF. Dana's profile is a good start, but she is DENIED pending a bit of modification.

I'd like to know a bit more about Dana's heritage/ethnicity. Is she purely Spanish?

I'd like a bit more information on Dana's weight issues, because they're framed differently in different parts of her profile. In the appearance section, they're cast as something that can be distracted from, but elsewhere in her bio they cause her to get picked on and are the root of notable issues. 5'3" and 160 pounds is notably overweight by BMI (though this doesn't account too well for muscles).

The phrasing regarding Dana's hair makes it a bit hard to tell how long it is. Could you clarify how long her hair is when it's down?

Since V6 is set in the earlier half of 2015, Dana's birthday currently leaves her younger than she should be--She'd only be turning 17 about half a year after the time of pregame. You should either move her birthday back a year or adjust her age to match it (and explain why she's notably young for her class).

Was Dana born in Kingman?

Did Ricky run his own business, or did he work for a larger construction company?

What about magic tricks drew Dana's attention and appealed to her?

Dana's behavioral issues come up rather suddenly. Aside from her disruptive magic trick antics, what else drew concern from her parents and teachers?

Why did the sound specifically stand out to Dana? What about this one documentary was so formative that it kept her focused on one aim for over half a decade?

Why did her grandfather need a lung transplant? Also, what happened to Antonio's spouse? Why was Joyce estranged from her entire family?

Why did Dana stop taking Adderall? It seems a really odd choice, especially since almost all of the effects of her dropping the medication sound negative.

Whether a trumpet or clarinet is easier to play seems to be a very hotly debated matter, which makes it a bit odd for Dana to be told by everyone that it is the case. It's an instrument that can take quite some time and expense to pick up. What drew Dana to it? What drew her to band as a whole?

Did Dana's weight gain cause any concern from her parents? Did she take any steps to try to combat it? What causes her weight fluctuations?

What sort of objects would Dana carry in her backpack?

I'd like to see a bit more about Dana's interest in animation. Where does it stem from? What does she enjoy about it? Similarly, there's quite a broad spectrum of magic tricks. Does she just keep to simple coin and card tricks, or has she pushed this interest further?

If Dana isn't turning in work, this could really quickly tank her grades. How does she feel about this? What do her parents think, especially in light of her history of academic struggles?

I'd like a bit more information on some other aspects of Dana's life. What does she hope to do after high school? As a senior, if she's planing on going to college, she should have applied to places by now. What's her current relationship with her parents like? Does she have any siblings? Did her grandfather recover? How does Dana act around school? What's her outlook on the world?

I'd like some clarification on Dana's slow and steady work--it sounds like she struggles with tasks that require focus. I'd like to hear a bit more about her physical condition. Why does running cause her trouble? What makes her seem like an easy target? I thought she'd by and large proven that she wasn't a very good target.

Minor grammar tweaks:

‘The Sword in the Stone’. -> ‘The Sword in the Stone.’ (punctuation always goes within quotation marks)

The bit about Dana playing with found objects should be appended to the paragraph before it, as it continues the thought expressed in that paragraph.

"up beat" -> "upbeat"

Post when you've got Dana edited, and I'll give her another look. Thanks!

Tyler "Ty" Yazzie
Heya, Doc! Before we give Tyler a full critique, can you please make sure his profile matches the template? Specifically, you've skipped an extra line between Appearance and Biography and Biography and Advantages. Only one line should be skipped in each of these places. Post when that's taken care of, and we'll give him a look. Thanks!

Important Information Regarding V6 Applications
A quick note on critique order, for those who have not experienced applications before:

Staff critique profiles, roughly speaking, from the one that has been waiting longest for a critique to the most recent submission/edit (that is, bottom of the board to top). However, sometimes specific staffers claim profiles, either due to a special interest in them or because multiple staff are drafting simultaneously. This means that occasionally it may seem like profiles are getting skipped, but that's not actually the case--it just means a specific staffer is working on/planning to work on the profile, but just may be taking a bit longer.

Adelaide Walker
Heya, Random! Adelaide is a good start, but she is DENIED pending a bit of adjustment.

First off, I'd like you to standardize capitalization in her Hobbies and Interests list--It's best if only the very first word is capitalized, but if you really want to capitalize everything that's fine too as long as it's consistent (If it's "Track and Field" it should not also be "Learning new languages" and really I think it will look way better all lowercase besides "Track").

Adelaide's hair is really long. Does it ever get in the way, especially given her very active lifestyle? Does she take good care of it?

Does Adelaide take after one side or the other of her heritage more in terms of looks/coloration/etc.?

With Adelaide's given birthday, she's actually pretty far to the young end of her class--since V6 pregame starts in January 2015, she'd be only 16 for the bulk of it, and it would put her about a year under normal for her grade. Could you either bump her birth year back a year or explain her young age?

If Adelaide's parents hired nannies, why did they also need babysitters? Aren't the two usually synonymous?

Why did Adelaide act out as a child?

Why did Marie move in with Adelaide? Also, I'm having some pretty big issues with her being sent to a retirement home over a broken hip. Hip replacements are a pretty common procedure among the elderly--my grandmother actually went on a bicycle tour a couple months after having one which was the result of an accident quite similar to the one described here. There are risks and recovery issues, but sending someone in otherwise good health to a retirement home over it seems like a pretty large reaction unless it's something Marie wants. I'd also like to know how old she is, since that informs the situation more.

I'm having some issues with the Walkers' move to Kingman, in large part because of their lifestyle. Las Vegas is a much more affluent place than Kingman, and the commute between the two is roughly and hour and a half each way. This would add about three hours of travel time to her parents' schedules if they still work in Las Vegas, while at the same time displacing Adelaide from the environment she grew up in and distancing her from the grandmother she was obviously really close to, all for what would almost certainly be a downgrade in lifestyle. Even worse, since Adelaide's father doesn't commute and her mother does, it seems like the family would never see each other. At that point, why move in the first place? Surely her father could just work from home in Las Vegas, thus avoiding tearing the family apart, keeping them in their settled lifestyle and close to Marie, and actually saving a whole lot of time and effort for everyone.

There wouldn't be any need to test out of French at a high school level, especially if Adelaide is also taking Spanish.

Saki knows little of the Japanese language, or of Japanese culture in general?

What about languages grasps Adelaide's attention and interest?

If Adelaide's family is still pretty affluent, why doesn't she just order her movies legally online? You can stream a large number of foreign films through Netflix, and even if you want more specific stuff, there's always Amazon for DVDs.

Does Adelaide prefer the films of specific countries?

What about baking appeals to Adelaide? Why is she wary of cooking, if she grew up surrounded by it? How does her father feel about these things?

Why does Adelaide have such strong feelings about her sexuality? What attitudes on this subject was she brought up with? What do her parents believe?

Adelaide's interest in track and field never comes up in her bio.

I'd like a bit more information about Adelaide in general. How does she do in school? Spanish aside, what are her favorite classes? Does she struggle with anything? What's her relationship with her parents like, aside from being closer to her father these days? Why hasn't she adjusted to Kingman after over half a decade living in it? What sort of people are her friends? If she's really counting the days until she can leave, it seems like this would be really obvious and would be cause for concern to her parents. How does Adelaide interact with others? Were there any other notable incidents when she was growing up? Does she still play tennis? Singles or doubles? With the school program?

Where does Adelaide's familiarity with harsh heat come in? If it's just the general Kingman environment, by the setting of pregame that is true of every character. Also, Adelaide's advantages are all pretty much the same thing: she's in good shape. I'd like to see at least one more thing added.

Adelaide's need for control of groups should come up more in her profile. How does it affect her in her normal life? If she's bad enough to be someone people wouldn't help, I want to hear about that too. How does such unpopularity affect her? How does she feel about it? If she's been bad enough to get attacked over things she's done, I want to know what those things were.

A few grammar things:

"Her arms and legs are toned, and broad shoulders from swinging tennis a tennis racket for most of her life." -> "Her arms and legs are toned, and she has broad shoulders from swinging tennis a tennis racket for most of her life."

This sentence: "It was at this point once Adelaide entered elementary school that both her parents had such busy schedules they had to resort to nannies that would pick the girl up from school and chauffeur her around to various after school activities like violin, tennis, and ballet until one of them could pick her up or a babysitter could be called." is a bit messy and over-complicated; could you split it into a few and trim any extraneous words?

"Marie found Adelaide a French tutor that with her parents income could easily afford." -> "Marie found Adelaide a French tutor that with her parents' income they could easily afford."

The long paragraph about Adelaide's move to Kingman and her time in school should be split so each of these subjects has its own paragraph.

"another hobby of hers; watching foreign films." -> "another hobby of hers: watching foreign films."

Post when you've got Adelaide edited, and I'll give her another look. Thanks!

Jerry Fury
Heya, Ricky! Jerry's looking pretty good, but he's DENIED pending some adjustments.

How long is Jerry's hair?

What is Jerry's ethnicity (you're not gonna slip that one by me again ;) )?

The direct quotation here: "Jerry instead opted to jump straight to two because he ‘wasn’t a baby’." doesn't quite fit tonally--can it be rephrased in a more objective manner so we're not getting it through Jerry's filter?

I'd like a bit more detail on Jerry's love for the outdoors vs. his love for cycling. How did cycling lead him to this? How did this evolve as his interest in cycling itself dissipated?

The quotations around ‘cool moves’ and ‘backyard training sessions’ should be removed--the problem with them is, they suggest unreliability, either through sarcasm or through direct dialogue, both of which can make it harder to parse what the phrases actually mean on a literal level.

How did Jerry's parents feel about his injuries from tussling with Scott?

‘fake tv stuff’ is overly informal and runs into quotation mark issues; you can just slim it down to "fake" and be good to go.

What sort of meetings did Jerry's parents attend? Was the fight between Jerry's parents physical? If so, was it the first instance of physical violence Jerry was exposed to involving them?

How did Jerry do in school prior to high school? Specifically, was his eventual high-C stabilization back to normal for him, or still below his old level?

"discovery" shouldn't have quotation marks. Also, Asperger's doesn't have specific medications, though some of its symptoms do--is Jerry fearing being medicated for specific symptoms? If so, which?

"Pointless' should have the quotes dropped.

Why did Jerry shun the school teams at first?

How does Jerry feel about his losses in MMA? Has he reassessed his skill in light of it?

I'd like to know a bit more about a few aspects of Jerry's life. What's his relationship with his brother and parents like now? What about history appeals to him? Who is his social group at school, and how does he act around them? How have things shaped up with his parents? Have there been any more incidents of violence, and has his father kicked his drinking habit?

Can Jerry's run to school come up in his bio? How far from school does he live?

I'd like to know more about Jerry's ankle, if it's really a big deal. If it's weaker, how does that affect the pretty intense workouts and sports activity he participates in regularly? It seems odd that he's able to practice MMA and run to school every day on it yet it might cause him trouble in-game. Also, have there been any social repercussions to Jerry's bragging? It seems like his disadvantages are suggesting that there have, but I'm not entirely sure. If there have, they should come up in his bio.

And, a bit of grammar:

"This is exacerbated by his love for the color black, almost exclusively wearing black t-shirts and sleeveless shirts to school," <As phrased right now, what subject is attached to the verb (wearing) is unclear--it might work better as "This is exacerbated by his love for the color black, as he almost exclusively wears black t-shirts and sleeveless shirts to school,"

"would often leave Jerry in the dust to go ride bikes around the park with friends from school." -> "would often leave Jerry in the dust to go on ride bikes around the park with friends from school."

Generally speaking, numerals (such as 9th) should be spelled ("ninth") unless they are higher than ten.

"Eventually, Jerry would parrot his interest in MMA and how he would be a UFC champ one day with his karate training, However, professional wrestling remained one of his strongest interests, and he continued to watch it whenever he could, despite claiming that he was no longer that into it." is a bit messy. I'd rephrase it as "Eventually, Jerry would parrot this interest in MMA claiming he would be a UFC champ one day with his karate training. However, professional wrestling remained one of his strongest interests, and he continued to watch it whenever he could, despite claiming that he was no longer that into it."

"As Jerry was entering Cochise High" is a bit ambiguous/oddly phrased--I'd suggest "When Jerry was entered Cochise High" instead for less ambiguity.

"It was around the start of his sophomore year of high school that Jerry revealed to his parents that he had actually stopped taking his ritalin before even starting high school, citing his main reason as them being a pain to remember to take and that they weren’t seeming to really have any effect on his social skills." -> "It was around the start of his sophomore year of high school that Jerry revealed to his parents that he had actually stopped taking his ritalin before even starting high school, citing as his main reason the pills being a pain to remember to take and claiming that they weren’t seeming to really have any effect on his social skills."

"Well it was well-known that Jerry was in great physical condition" -> "While it was well-known that Jerry was in great physical condition"

Post when you've got that taken care of, and I'll give Jerry another look. Thanks!

Alvaro Vacanti
Okie dokie. Here we go. Sorry if I'm at all rusty.

Anyhow, Alvaro's a really solid start but he is DENIED pending some adjustments.

5'10" is actually somewhat tall for Alvaro's age. At that weight, he'd be quite notably on the light end for others his height, as well--lighter than more than 80% of them.

This is a bit vague: "His vision is not dependant on these glasses though, only wearing them to help him read." Does Alvaro need glasses to read due to farsightedness? If so, why does he wear them around? Usually reading glasses are used only when reading, because they aren't as effective at a distance and can cause difficulties with perception (not to mention the very popular urban legend that they cause your eyesight to deteriorate if worn too much). Also, it's "dependent."

This: "He has features that a girl would call “cute”, although he generally doesn’t take notice them, only taking care of them so that he looks presentable." is a bit informal and vague. We're not really interested in what girls specifically think, and the use of quotation marks introduces ambiguity as to the meaning of the word "cute." More than that, I'm not actually sure what Alvaro looks like. What features stand out? What's his facial structure?

Why does Alvaro act differently around people he's not talked with before?

What sort of footwear does Alvaro favor? Does he wear any accessories or jewelry?

What's Alvaro's ethnicity? His profile loosely suggests that he's Hispanic, but his coloration of hair and eyes are much more typical of a Caucasian person.

What makes Alvaro attending elementary school worthy of mention? It's generally expected for children to attend.

How did Alvaro's father end up with an opportunity to expand his business? What convinced him to take it? The costs of property in the US tend to be much higher than in Mexico, and getting a visa can be difficult. What made it worthwhile to leave all that they knew, and already-achieved success, on a very unknown gamble? What about Kingman drew the family in particular? Kingman is not an area in much of an economic boom, meaning it's not a very likely place for new businesses to flourish, especially in competition with already-established local businesses.

What prompted Alvaro's self-consciousness? Why did he assume that others were deceiving him? Did he speak differently from them? Did anyone comment? His paranoia seems quite unusual because it's not prompted by anything and in fact flies totally contrary to all evidence he's presented with.

I'd like to know a lot more about Alvaro's hobbies and interests. What about cooking and the cafe appeal to him? When did he start working there? Why does business draw his attention? How does he feel about his father's choices in light of his study here and the family's significantly declining fortunes?

What about chess and soccer does Alvaro like? How does he feel about his failures in chess? Also, chess as a competitive event usually doesn't have try-outs; most of the time competitions are pretty open to anyone, though he might be eliminated early, and chess at a school level is often the province of open clubs.

Why does Alvaro put on an extroverted mask?

How much work does Alvaro put into his schoolwork? What classes does he like best, and why? What about science makes him struggle with it?

As a senior, Alvaro should have already applied to colleges. Has he gotten in anywhere?

if Alvaro's family still has their business in Mexico, why are they struggling through a lower-class life in the US? Why not move back to where things were working better for them and cut their losses?

Has Alvaro dated anyone? He seems a bit young to be thinking about marriage.

Alvaro's difficulties with tactical thinking need a lot of fleshing out, especially since they seem to fly in the face of his intelligence. What causes them? How do they manifest in his normal life? What exactly are they? Difficulty with tactics in the combat sense isn't really a disadvantage, since it's something almost no student would have skill in. Difficulties with planning things doesn't seem to gel with the rest of his characters, since he's a very goal-driven person.

Alright. All that said, there are two big issues I'm having with Alvaro's profile and a few things that are not included but should be.

Issue #1: Alvaro's family situation and move from Mexico. Basically, it's just not something that's making sense as currently presented. The easiest fix would be to change things such that Alvaro actually grew up in Kingman and that's where his father founded his business, presumably after moving in search of better opportunities before he owned his own cafe. If you don't want to go that way, that's fine, but it raises a bunch of questions. Alvaro's father seems oddly attached to a losing venture, and I'm not sure why, given how he was apparently highly successful prior to the move. More than that, as a business location, Kingman doesn't have much to offer--I'd want to now what specifically brought him here as opposed to a bigger city or a place where it's easier to get started.

Issue #2: Alvaro's serious social paranoia. Basically, the problem here is that this issue forms a massive part of Alvaro's life but comes up without any clear cause. I want to see some reason behind it, and I want to know a bunch about how it affects him, how he feels about it, how it informs his actions and changes his life and how his parents feel about it. I can't imagine him holding onto this for over half a decade without anything ever supporting it--that starts to sound like a more serious mental disorder of some sort, or at the very least a cause for therapy.

Missing stuff:

I'd like to hear more about Alvaro's family. How is his relationship with his parents? Does he have any siblings? Extended family? How has his relationship with them evolved over time? How does he feel about working for them--that's the sort of thing that can be a great bonding experience, incredibly stressful, or (most often) some mix of both.

I want to know a lot about how Alvaro interacts with others. Who are his friends? How does he act around them? What draws him to a person or pushes him away from them? What does he like to do with his friends? How is his relationship with his soccer teammates and the other chess enthusiasts? Does he ever encounter classmates while working in the cafe?

I'd like a bit more detail of Alvaro's time growing up. Especially if he's still moving from Mexico, that's a huge change, and I want to now how he feels about it. How did such a notable change in lifestyle affect him? What was it like being separated from his social groups? How has his attitude evolved over the years? His interests?

And, some grammar:

"and weighs at 132 pounds." <The "at" should be cut.

"either normally wearing" would be better as "normally either wearing"

Sometimes you include the accent on "café" and sometimes you don't; I don't care which way you do it, but I'd like it to be consistent throughout the profile.

"elementary school" is not a proper noun and should not be capitalized. Ditto "high school."

"During elementary school, he was able to learn both his native language and English at a young age" <Cut "at a young age" as it is redundant and muddies the meaning of the sentence.

"the schools way of teaching" -> "the school's way of teaching"

Generally speaking, numerals such as "10" should be spelled out ("ten").

As a male, Alvaro would be a waiter, not a waitress.

I think that's the bulk of it, at least for now. Post when you've got Alvaro edited, and I'll give him another look. I think there's a really promising core to his concept, it's just that the details could use some expanding/tweaking/fleshing out.

P.S. I'm glad you're down for picky criticism. For the record, I did not go harder due to that request, though.

League of Legends Mafia Game Thread
May I make a suggestion/request for a slight extension to this phase in light of pregame's start taking a lot of attention away from mafia?

Irene Djezari
Heya, Cicada! Before we give Irene a full critique, could you go ahead and excise the links/OOC notes from her profile? Anything of note should be explained in the profile itself, in the same tone as the rest of the piece. We really don't like external links because they tend to eventually go dead and in the long term leave profiles harder to comprehend. Notes like what you've included also aren't fitting for the tone of profiles. Post when you've got that taken care of, and we'll give Irene a full look. Thanks!

Barbara Gunnerson
Updated!

Changelog

Rochelle Ayers
Heya, Sunny! Before we give Rochelle a full critique, can you please make sure her profile matches the template? Specifically, you've skipped an extra line between Hobbies and Interests and Appearance, Appearance and Biography, and Biography and Advantages. Only one line should be skipped in each of these places. Post when that's taken care of, and we'll give her a look. Thanks!

Taranis "Tara" Behzad
Heya, Grim! Before we give Tara a full critique, can you please make sure her profile matches the template? Specifically, the text of her bio should flow straight from the header, like all the other sections do. Post when that's taken care of, and we'll give her a look. Thanks!

Alvaro Vacanti
As you wish, Yugi!

First harsh critique: you have an extra line between Appearance and Biography. Post when that's taken care of, and someone will get cracking on the rest of the harshness!