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Stephan "Steph" Collins

Stephan "Steph" Collins
Hi again Mitsuko! Stephan is temporarily DENIED pending two super minor things. The first is, I don't really get a good sense for his social group or friends from his bio. I'd like to know a bit more about them, since they seem pretty important to him (pressuring him to go on the trip).

Secondly, the last sentence ("With what will happen to them all, he’ll wish he didn’t agree.") is just a touch too informal for the objective profile tone.

Post when you've got that done, and I'll give him another look. Thanks!

Marty J. Lovett
Hi Floriboy! I'm just posting so that a mod has the last post on this thread. When you finish your revisions, post again. We like keeping the last post on threads with unfinished revisions as a mod post, so we can tell when you've finished. It makes organization so much easier. Thanks!

Amanda Alves
Hi Mitsuko! Great job on Amanda's profile. She is APPROVED!

Daniel Vaughan
You got everything I asked for. Thanks! Daniel is APPROVED for pregame.

Daniel Vaughan
Daniel looks much better Gambit! There are still a couple very small things I'd like you to fix up.

First off, I'm still a bit confused about Daniel's romantic situation. It sort of sounds like he has a girlfriend, or has had one in the past, but I can't really tell which. I'd like you to clarify if he's got one now, please.

Secondly, I can't really make sense of the sentence "To this day, he refuses to let anyone try to disfigure that scar. " Do you mean he's resisted attempts to remove the scar through cosmetic surgery?

Finally, and this is really minor, you've skipped a couple extra lines between the sentence "He currently isn’t part of any clubs, he tried the gaming club but left when he realized it was more for table-top gaming. " and the start of the next paragraph. It'd be great if you cut the extra blank space.

Post when you've got that done, and I'll give Daniel another look. Thanks!

Daniel Vaughan
Hi Gambit! Daniel's profile looks pretty good, but is DENIED pending some adjustments. First off, I'd like you to expand his appearance section a little. What's Daniel's build like? Why does he always wear blue? Also, you end the last sentence with a comma, where it should be a period.

Daniel's bio could also use some expansion, and some tone adjustments. SOTF profiles should read like they were written by an impartial observer, and the phrase "His life seemed to be just like an old sitcom from the 50s. " is a bit too informal for that.

I'd also like to know more about Daniel's life growing up. Why did he take to older video games? How was his early schooling? Why did his sister leave, and where did she go? Why did Daniel choose to resist muggers instead of simply giving them money?

Daniel's personality is also a touch vague. You state that he made no close friendships, but also that he befriends everyone he meets, to the point of being willing to fight to the death for them. That seems quite extreme, especially since that's the sort of thing most high school students would never have to deal with. I'd like you to tone it down or explain it a bit. I'd also like to know more about his defense of his girlfriends. Has he dated many people? Why is he so protective?

Another thing I'd like to see elaborated on is Daniel's school life. What are his favorite classes? How does he do in school? Is he part of any extracurricular activities (sports, theater, music, etc.)?

Finally, Daniel's advantages and disadvantages, specifically those related to combat, should be explained and justified in his bio. How does he know how to fight? Has he gotten in fights before? Why won't he last long? What are his issues with armed combat?

Post here when you've got that taken care of, and I'll give Daniel another look. Thanks!

Chris Davidson
Alright. Thanks for the edits. Chris is APPROVED for pregame.

So, Friday's my girlfriend's birthday, and I'll be at a funeral Saturday and a roleplaying group Sunday, so I may be gone this weekend. Maybe not; I have no clue how long the funeral will be, and I may be back Friday in time to get on, but I figured I should post just in case.

Chris Davidson
Alright, just a couple more small things. First off, you say Chris was homeschooled for the first nine years of his life, but if he's a Senior now that should be twelve.

Secondly, I'd like to see a little more added to Chris' bio. Right now he's really lacking in interests. He must do something besides church. Is he part of any youth groups? Does he love to read? Basically, I'd like you to add one or two hobbies so Chris feels like more of a rounded person.

Post when you've got that handled, and I'll give him another read. Thanks!

V4: Ethnicity
Hey, look, I never posted for Kimberly. She's 50% Vietnamese, 50% mixed American.

Chris Davidson
Hi Gambit!

Chris is temporarily DENIED. There are a few things I'd like you to fix up before I approve him for pregame.

First off, the first sentence of his appearance, " If anyone told you Chris Davidson was 18, they would probably laugh in your face.", doesn't make sense to me. It sounds like you've got your subjects reversed. Also, it's a bit too informal. SOTF profiles should read like they were written by an objective source.

Next, the formatting here is slightly off. I'd like you to adjust it so it reads "Biography: Chris was born...", in other words, without the space between "Biography:" and the start of the bio.

On the bio itself: it is quite good, for the most part. I'd like a little more detail on the murder of Chris' mom, specifically what happened and how it has affected Chris.

I'd also like you to bring up Chris' hobby of writing somewhere in his biography, since right now it's listed only in his interests section.

Finally, you misspelled "hide" as "high" in Chris' advantages.

Post here once you've got things taken care of, and I'll give Chris another look. Thanks a ton!

Do any employers make you get Facebook accounts? I don't want a Facebook account, but I do want a job.

I don't use facebook. Do employers and colleges really look people up on there?

Let the Dance Begin!
((Jennifer Perez continued from Just Another Night))

Jennifer Perez was a little bit early, or at least not fashionably late, to Bayview's Prom. She'd planned fifteen more minutes for the trip, but she'd been too excited, and had walked at a quicker pace than normal. She was ready for the dance. She'd finished her dress at the last second—well, a day before the dance, but it was about the same when it came to making fancy clothes—and she was quite happy with the results. It was long, loose enough to be modest, a beautiful, flowing, ankle-length affair in deep red and purple.

She paused outside the center where Prom was taking place and kicked off her shoes, replacing them with a pair of high heels. The new shoes were black and not too tall, not tall enough to hurt her feet too badly, at least. She tossed the other pair into a plastic bag she'd brought, which also contained a jacket and a change of clothes for after the dance, as well as her purse and cell phone. She removed her ticket from the purse and walked into the building.

Things weren't too chaotic or busy yet. Jennifer dropped off her bag at the coat check, slipped the claim stub into a small pocket on the side of the dress that she'd installed for exactly that purpose (she'd never understood why most dresses didn't have any sort of pockets. It was so inconvenient), and then presented her ticket. Then, that out of the way, she made her way into the dance hall.

Her friends in the Junior class (and those few in the Senior class) would be there later, but for now, she was away from everyone she knew well, swaying to the music that she didn't exactly enjoy but didn't particularly mind, either. It was finally Prom, the dance everyone had been planning for what seemed like forever, and she was going to enjoy it.

Stranded in this Shopping Hell
Rizzo responded in the most offensive possible manner. It gave even Aaron, who was at least somewhat used to brusqueness and rude behavior (though he never tolerated it when it was aimed at him), pause. Had Rizzo really just shut Amber down like that? What the hell was his problem?

Amber tried to salvage the situation, asking nicely for the boy's name. Aaron took a deep breath. He wasn't too pleased with Rizzo at the moment, and he certainly wasn't going to step in to bail him out, or smooth things over. No, he deserved whatever was coming his way. In fact, Aaron was quite tempted to give him a little lecture on manners himself. It seemed like half the population of Bayview was comprised of creepy social rejects. One Jacquard Broughten came to mind.

Still, there was no point getting involved yet. He'd give Rizzo a couple of seconds. If he kept up this weirdness, though, Aaron decided to get to the bottom of whatever Rizzo was on, or failing that, to put some distance between himself and the boy. If that meant going to some stupid clothing store and hiding in the bathrooms for an hour, then so be it.

Colin Falcone
Thanks for the fixes. Nicely done. Colin is APPROVED.

v4 Prom, and Other News
I've said it elsewhere, but I'll repeat myself here: Congrats Clu! We welcome you as new Admin/overlord.

In The Park
"I've been helping out for a little under two and a half years now," Everett said. "My job is mostly just cleaning up trash, clearing up graffiti—well, actually just covering it over with a marker, and generally making sure things are nice. If there are ever serious problems, I call someone at the city and they come deal with it. That's what happened the time I found a little plastic baggy of dried plant stuff lying around. I thought it was pot, but it turned out it was just someone's loose tobacco.

"I come here once a month to clean," he said. "It takes about an hour and a half, usually. Some other people are supposed to cover the other weeks, but it doesn't always happen."

Actually, it almost never happens. Maybe we'll get really lucky and a few other people will want to help. Then the park will actually be clean for more than half a week each month.

Colin Falcone
Hi T-Fox! Colin's profile is quite good, but is temporarily DENIED pending a couple of minor things.

First off, I'd like a little more on Colin's appearance. Specifically, his weight and hair length would be nice.

His biography is great, but I'd like to see something added about his social life. Right now, I don't know anything about his friends or acquaintances, the social scene he's a part of, etc.

Finally, you say that Colin is influential and a good linguist in his advantages, but those items don't come up anywhere in his bio. I'd like you to explain them there, please.

Post once you've got that done, and I'll give Colin another look. Thanks!