Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
ZetaBoards - Free Forum Hosting
Create a free forum in seconds.
Jason Clarke
Looks good. Thanks for making the changes. Jason is APPROVED.

NANOWRIMO!
I'm now done, with a final word count of 50,077. It's my smallest NaNo yet. Still, this was a great project, like every year.

Jason Clarke
Hi decoy, and welcome to SOTF!

Jason is temporarily DENIED, but I think you should be able to fix him up pretty easily.

The first thing I'd like you to do is remove the references to other characters in Jason's bio. While it does illustrate your point, it breaks up the flow, and doesn't really add anything.

Jason's biography is pretty good. It would be great if you broke it up into a few more paragraphs, though. It also contains some thoughts that are not completely fleshed out. You say the Mercedes he worked on was never used because he lived too close, but you never say what to, which makes the statement hard to understand. Similarly, I don't see the connection between the football player passing the test and winning the game (was he in danger of being suspended from the team?). Finally, who is Eric Lorenz, and why is Jason on bad terms with him?

Also, I'd like you to fix the subject/verb agreement in the sentence "Jason’s default opinion of people is that (s)he is “cool,” once again, needing to have a specific reason to put that person in the “dislike” chart." It would be best to just replace "(s)he" with the plural, "they" since it is the appropriate pronoun to refer to people as a group. Another issue is the sections of the sentence in quotes. They come across as too informal. All profiles should read as if they were written by an objective third party. For the same reason, I'd like you to cut the line "This would help him if not for … " from Jason's advantages.

Jason's advantages are disadvantages are fairly good, but I'd like a bit more information on his focus (and sometimes lack thereof) in his bio. Also, his likely unwillingness to kill people unprovoked is more of an assumed standard for most high schoolers than a specific disadvantage. If you mean that he's more empathetic than most people, I'd like you to make that a little clearer and stronger.

Post here when you've got Jason edited and I'll give him another look! Thanks a ton.

Clio Gabriella
Alright, it's looking much better, but there are still a few things I'd like cleared up. The first is, after attacking someone, I can't really see Clio still being allowed access to weaponry. I'd also like a little more detail on the incident. Did she mean to hurt him that badly, or accidentally do so? (The latter makes the lack of therapy more believable) Why did Nathaniel drop charges? How does Clio feel about it all now? Was it part of her decision to change her life?

Let me know when you've got that handled and I'll take another look!

NANOWRIMO!
I'm on track to (hopefully) finish tomorrow, as I have all sorts of stuff Monday.

What kind of Roleplays do you like?
I stick to SOTF and a few games of forum mafia, myself. When I join a new activity (forum, RP, etc.) I like to make sure I have enough time to fulfill my obligations to it. I waited a couple of weeks before actually joining SOTF, because I wasn't sure I wanted to make a big time commitment. I'd have to free up more time to seriously consider joining any other serious/long-term RP.

Kane Westwood
Thanks Slam! There are still a few things I'd like to see cleared up in Kane's bio before I approve him. The first is the section where he trips the boy in elementary school. I have a very hard time following the transition to the day he is beat up in middle school. It sounds both like it's several years and the same day.

I'd also like to know whether Kane was ever punished for his misbehavior in elementary school. If not, why not? If so, how did his father react?

The one last thing I'd like to know is why Kane's father was so set on educating him to be a criminal. Was he afraid Kane would be unable to make his way through life otherwise? Was he living his own ambitions through Kane? A little more information there would help clarify things a lot.

Post when you've got that done, and I'll take another look. Thanks a ton!

Clio Gabriella
Thanks incrobe! There are still a few things I'd like you to fix up for me before I approve Clio.

First (and this is something that I missed last time) I'm fairly sure indigo is not actually a natural eye color. I'd like you to change this up so everything is natural (colored contacts are quite alright, though).

I still would really like some more explanation of the cancer incident. How would a 16 year old get a special lawyer to defend him? What sort of loophole would apply only to one specific condition? What type of cancer does he have, anyways? Since SOTF V4 is focusing on realism, it's really important that this sort of detail for an event this unusual be fleshed out.

Finally, there are still some contradictions relating to Clio's love life that confuse me. Why did she turn to so many partners after being involved in such a serious relationship? Also, could you please rephrase the sentence "She is generally outgoing and likable, and although she is reluctant to, likes to use her looks to manipulate people to her advantage." I don't understand why she is reluctant to do something she likes doing.

Finally, the bit about her becoming upset when questioned about her past sort of comes out of nowhere. Could you tie it in with her bio a bit more, please?

Thanks a ton! Post here when you're done and I'll give Clio another look.

Anniversary Party
Maf pulled up to the house, brought the car to a stop, and acknowledged Jennifer's thanks. Then he told her not to get involved in his problems again, in a way that made her think he might be worried about her.

She wasn't sure quite how to respond to that. Should she tell him to be careful? She hoped he would. Things had looked like they were going to get pretty unpleasant there. That would sound too weird, though, and rather patronizing. Should she tell him that she'd do whatever she pleased? No, that would be way too confrontational, and besides, it wasn't like he was treating her badly or anything. He was giving her a fair warning. Should she tell him to bring a friend? That would be awkward, and sound like she was not only expecting him to start a fight but also to need help.

Say something. Don't just stand there like an idiot.

"Um... Alright. Thanks again."

Oh way to fucking go. Just sound like you don't care. Just fucking great.

Still, there was nothing she could do now. Besides, she should probably be getting inside. She didn't really want her family to see her loitering outside some guy's car. The inquisition that would follow (well-intended though it would surely be) was not really something she wanted to deal with.

"I'll, um, see you around school then."

With that weak parting, Jennifer made her way to the door, tried to open it, discovered it was locked, fumbled her keys out, almost dropping them in the process, unlocked the door, turned and waved, and went inside.

((Jennifer Perez continued in Just Another Night))

Pre-Game Senior Prank
People released forty chickens in my school, and the cops were looking to catch them and charge them with forty counts of animal abandonment. Some of the chickens got scared and ran into the bathrooms, and I heard one almost drowned in a toilet. The powers that be were not amused. Granted, I live in a very liberal and animal-friendly city, so reactions may vary.

Height/Weight Chart
I find this tool the most useful, as BMI seems to be where most people have trouble.

Kane Westwood
Hi Slam! Kane is temporarily DENIED. There are quite a few things I'd like to see cleared up before I approve him for pregame.

First off, I'd like to know a little bit more about Kane's parents' divorce. How old was he when it occurred? Has he ever tried to get to know his mother? What did his father tell him about her?

I'd also like a little more dimension to the relationship between Kane and his father, and to Kane in general. Right now, almost all of his biography is devoted to him being raised to be a mobster. I don't really know whether he embraces that fate or not. I'd also like you to tone down Kane's influence and the mobster's presence a bit. I find it rather unrealistic for people to wait outside school every day and no one to comment (particularly the police).

I'd also like Kane's need for power to be more fully explained and expanded upon. Right now, he seems a little too much like a premade player. I know that's probably not what you're going for, but I'd appreciate knowing his feelings now, as well as when he was in middle school.

I'd also like some more detail on why and how Kane was beaten up, and what the consequences were for all involved.

I would also really like more space devoted to the non-mob aspects of Kane's life. Right now, there are only two small paragraphs detailing his hobbies. I'd really like to see him expanded and fleshed out a good deal more, particularly since some elements of his character are quite unusual.

More information on Kane's cronies would also be appreciated. How does he feel about them? Are they really his friends? Who are they, anyways? Do they respect him? Fear him? Care about him? Hope to get something from him?

Finally, there are some formality issues. Please find some way to change or remove the quote from Kane's father; while it provides interesting context, it would be better suited for a memory thread after Kaine is approved than for his profile.

So, in summary, I'd like Kane fleshed out more and toned down a bit. Post here when you've got that done and I'll give him another look. Thanks a ton!

Clio Gabriella
Hi incrobe! Clio is temporarily DENIED. There are a few things I'd like you to work out before I accept her for pregame.

The first issue is that many of her interests do not come up at all in her biography. I'd like each one to get at least a mention.

The second thing is that Clio has a lot of really out there things in her bio. We try to keep characters fairly realistic, and, while no one element in her biography is implausible, taken together they seem at the very least highly unlikely. The one that causes me trouble specifically is a twelve year old breaking her hands. It seems very over-the-top for someone at that age, and I'd like to see it either toned down or explained a little more (perhaps the other girl was trying to maim her, just hurt her slightly, but, being young, hurt her more seriously by mistake?)

I'm also confused about Clio's self-defense training. The impression I get from her biography is that all the training happened between the ages of five and twelve. I'd like more detail on the sorts of shooting practices entailed in her training, because I don't see reasonable adults letting, say, a ten year old train with a pistol. I'd also like to know why she still has all her skills, as the impression I get from the bio's phrasing is that she hasn't done much with it in six years.

I'm also a touch confused by her relationship with Nathaniel. It's a good element, but some of the parts are a little unclear. How old was he? If he was under 18, he couldn't have rejected treatment without his parents' approval. Also, the timing is a little confusing, since he dies within a few weeks of telling her. I'm not sure what type of cancer would act so quickly, without displaying any signs she'd have picked up beforehand. I'd just like a little more detail in this section, please.

Finally, I'd like some clarification of Clio's advantages and disadvantages. You say she is likely to use her looks to her advantage, but that doesn't really seem to follow from her biography. I also don't understand why she is so dependent on her peers. It doesn't really make sense with what you've said about her in her bio. Please provide a little clarification on those points, as well as whether she's stayed in practice with weapons and self-defense.

Let me know when you've updated Clio and I'll give her another look. Thanks!

40,000 posts!
Wow. 40,000 posts is a lot, especially for a forum that is primarily RP. It's quite cool that SOTF has lasted this long.

Here's to the next 40,000!

Robert Lerger
Don't worry about sounding weird. Everyone here is happier when folks take criticism well. Speaking of which, you've fixed up all the points I asked, and Robert is APPROVED for pregame.

One request for when you submit him for V4 proper: it would be great if you skipped an extra line between paragraphs, as Word-style formatting looks a bit odd in the forum. Thanks a ton!

Robert Lerger
Hi Serpantis! I'm glad to see you around again.

Robert is temporarily DENIED. There are some areas of his biography I'd like to see expanded on and explained more before I approve him for pregame.

His appearance is for the most part well written. I'm slightly confused by the phrase "His most striking facial feature is his eyes, which are hazel in color and look almost like marble, except not white." Are you trying to say they have a marbled texture? It's hard for me to tell.

Robert's biography is where I'd really like to see things expanded. You mention that his mother has mellowed out about antisemitism, but it's really hard to tell if she's still somewhat anti-semitic or not. If she is, how does Robert feel about that? Does he share her views?

I'd like to know why Robert's arm healed badly, too. Was he given improper treatment, or was the break particularly bad and awkward? It seems a bit odd for doctors to just let it grow back crooked.

The second biography paragraph could also use a lot of expansion. Why does Robert have such a short temper? What makes him snap? Why has he gotten into fights? What were the consequences?

I can understand him hurting himself due to poor self-esteem, but I don't quite buy him not caring at all if he's hurt. I'd like you to drop that detail or explain it a bit more. Wouldn't he still want to avoid negative sensations?

I'd also like to know why Robert is claustrophobic. Did he have a bad experience with enclosed areas? Does he fear being unable to move?

Robert's advantages and disadvantages could also use some work. You say that he knows how to fight, but I'm left a little unclear on the point? Has he learned most of what he knows from experience? From his karate classes? This is a detail that should probably be expanded on more in his biography, as it's a significant advantage. I'd also like to know more about his pain tolerance. Where does it come from? Has he learned to live with pain due to his injured arm?

In his disadvantages, I'd like to know where his depression and easily-distracted nature come from. Both should come up in his biography at some point.

Finally, a couple of general requests: It'd be great if you broke Robert's profile up into a few more paragraphs to make it easier to read. Also, there are some informal bits that I'd like you to change, particularly the use of you ("unless you're right in his face") and the use of the term "Berserk Button". We prefer tropes to not be cited directly in profiles.

When you get Robert fixed up, post here again and I'll take another look at him. Thanks a ton, and welcome back!

The Calm
((Hey guys, I don't mean to be a pain, but it'd be great if everything was kept in past tense as outlined in the rules (specifically Rule #2). It makes things much easier to read. Thanks!))

In The Park
Everett chuckled a little when Lily said it looked like he was the only one to clean the park. He didn't want to brag or anything, but since she had mentioned it...

"Yeah, well, I'm sure the other people who signed up to help are all really busy with school or something," he said, intoning his voice more sarcastically than usual.

Then she asked him if he had any other duties. There were a few, but not many.

"I check it out when I'm here to make sure everything's in good repair and safe, basic stuff, you know. If anything looks like it needs work I call the city and they're supposed to send someone to check it out. It doesn't always happen, though."

He dug a large black marker out of his pocket and held it up, saying, "I also help remove graffiti. I don't know why people insist on trashing community property, especially stuff that kids use. At least there isn't much here for people to write on.

"So," he said, moving the conversation away from himself a little, "What brings you to the park today?"

Elizabeth Tucker
Thanks for clearing that up! Looks good. Elizabeth is APPROVED for pregame.

Naoko Raidon
Alright. Looks pretty good. Thanks for bearing with me on the changes. Just be sure to portray Raidon realistically and things should work out well.

Raidon is APPROVED for pregame.