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Survivor Mafia: Game Thread
I believe Slam. Nearly outed what I think's going on, but realized that maybe sometimes a few secrets are okay.

Anyways, yeah, leads are very few and far between.

Little's New Art Thread~
That is really, really, ridiculously awesome and amazing! Glad to see it done!

Great job, as always. I'm especially loving the backgrounds.

Chase Rodriguez

David Cordell

Chuck Soileau

Chase Rodriguez
Hiya, Pippin!

Chase is looking much better, except that the changes to ages don't actually seem to have gone through.

Also, missed this the first time, but "Problem Diffuser" should be "Problem Defuser". Similarly, "and can help try and diffuse difficult situations." should be "and can help try and defuse difficult situations."

Post when you've got Chase updated, and he should be good to go. Thanks!

Mark Little

Jasper Rourke
Hiya, Inky!

Jasper is APPROVED.

One little thing to fix for the final draft that I spaced on last time: in the US, the break between years (like Junior/Senior) is in the summer, so Jasper's incident would make more sense being around Summer Vacation than Winter Break. It's really not a huge enough deal to kick him back for more edits for, though, since I missed it on the first go.

EDIT: Fixed that up at Inky's request. :)

Survivor Mafia: Game Thread
I'm the other lyncher. I lose either way now, and there's enough crazy speculation that I don't wanna see the town tanked more than necessary. I'm more than willing to keep helping the town out until my now-probably-inevitable nightkilling.

Survivor Mafia: Game Thread
Aaaaaggggghhhhhh that was not optimal. ><

So, uh, what now?

Chuck Soileau
Hiya, Goose!

Chuck looks really good, but he is DENIED pending a few little tweaks.

One of the "more often"s here should be dropped: "Going to church more often is something Chuck has been promising to himself that he'd do more often,"

The transition here: "Louise has no interest in the subject, and thinks of all politicians as without exception corrupt, dishonest individuals who are all the same on the issues of importance, an assessment Chuck strongly disagrees with. However, he never really bonded with his younger sister Annabel, and the two frequently argue over petty things to this day." is really awkward. Dropping the "However" would help the flow a lot.

Next up (and more importantly), I'd like to know more about Chuck's time in school. How does he do? Which classes are his favorites? Does he struggle with anything?

Also, what sort of people is he friends with? Does he have a wide social group, or a small one? Are there any types he doesn't get on well with?

I'd also like to know a tiny bit more about his interest in the debate club and (especially) the school paper. What sorts of stuff does he write there? You should also list both under his Hobbies and Interests; we're trying to get all school clubs condensed there for ease of tracking in this list.

I'd also like to know just a tad more about his knowledge relating to emergencies and the like.

Post when you've got Chuck edited and we'll give him another look. Thanks!

Chase Rodriguez
Hiya, Pippin!

Chase looks pretty good, but he is temporarily DENIED pending a bit of editing.

First off, I'd just like a bit more description. A bit of facial description would be nice at a minimum, and if you want you can add other stuff. How's Chase's posture? Is his skin clear, or does he suffer from acne?

Also, I'm a bit confused by the chronology of Chase helping Audrey with her homework. If Chase is currently 17, and Audrey is currently 9, then when Chase was 12 Audrey would have been 4. In the US, most kids don't start kindergarten until age 5 or 6, and even then, homework tends to be pretty light. This can be solved really easily by making Audrey a year or two older, or adjusting the timing until Chase was a bit older.

"as he hopes that the more he tries, he better he’ll get at his passion." should be "as he hopes that the more he tries, the better he’ll get at his passion."

I'd also like to know a bit more about Chase's social group. What type of people is he friends with? Does he have a lot of friends, or a small yet close circle?

I'd like to hear a bit more about Chase's calmness, especially as it relates to coming across as uncaring. That seems like it could make mediation difficult.

Finally, my impression is that Chase is usually tired because he does a lot of stuff late at night, which is likely to be less of a big deal in SOTF, especially after a day or two when everybody's worn out. In fact, familiarity with late nights might be more of an advantage than a disadvantage. Basically, I'd like this one explained more, rephrased, or removed.

Post when you've got Chase edited, and we'll give him another look. Thanks!

Mark Little
Hiya, Stark!

Mark's profile looks pretty great, but he's DENIED pending a bit of editing.

Basically, I just want more detail. What sport was his mom into? How does he balance his sports with school (as in, does it ever get in the way beyond not being his focus)? Is he on the Aurora High team? Who are his friends? How does his position affect his relationships with others? How well does he get along with his family? Has he ever had any periods where things were different for him than they are now? What was his life like growing up?

Basically, I've got an excellent picture of Mark on the field and as he relates to his chosen sport, but I want more of the rest of him, even if he views it as less important.

Post when you've got Mark edited and we'll give him another look. Thanks!

David Cordell
Hiya, Ice! David's profile is a good start, but he is DENIED pending a bit of editing.

First off I'd like a little bit more information on David's life growing up. Does he have any siblings? How did he get along with his parents? How did he feel about being above average in intelligence? Did anything notable happen during his elementary and middle school years? How has he changed and developed in that time? Why did he drop his math clubs in later years?

I'd also like a little bit more detail about David's current life. What does he do when he's not in school? What are his future hopes and aspirations? Why is he more willing to open up to friends? How does he feel about his current social situation? How does he deal with stuff when he's upset or sad?

Basically, all I want here is more: more detail, more depth, more information about David and his personality and life.

Post when you've got David edited, and we'll give him another look. Thanks a ton!

Jasper Rourke
Hiya, Inky!

Jasper's profile is looking pretty good, but he is DENIED pending a little bit of adjustment.

First off, I find him this bit of description a bit hyperbolic: "he is not known as someone who actually engages in such a thing as smiling." Surely he smiles sometimes around his friends or family. Really, the first part of this sentence conveys what you're trying to say; this bit just confuses it.

Next off, this: "Before his birth, Sienna was a Survival Expert who worked for the United States Army for ten years until retiring from that line of work two years before Jasper’s birth to become a stay-at-home mother, while Jordan was and is to this day a Bank Manager for the Seattle Bank." is really, really confusing in how it presents the chronology. I'd rephrase it like so: "Sienna was a Survival Expert who worked for the United States Army for ten years until retiring from that line of work two years before Jasper’s birth. When he arrived, she become a stay-at-home mother, while Jordan was and is to this day a Bank Manager for the Seattle Bank." This way, you avoid some of the confusing segments and don't have to explain why Sienna became a stay at home mother seemingly before even becoming pregnant.

On a related note, though, I'd like to know if Jasper has any siblings.

"Principals" should be "principal's"

This: "He was a bright child, not necessarily book-smart but definitely people-smart, due to having a great enjoyment for hanging out with friends and people he liked to develop these skills." is a bit confusing. What skills was he developing? If it's his social skills, that could probably be stated a bit more explicitly.

You note that Jasper stopped getting into physical altercations but also that he picked on people less popular than him. This seems a bit contradictory. You should either remove the note that he avoided physical confrontations and change it to explain that he just shifted his targets, or you should explain the ways in which he picked on people. Also, why were video gamers specifically his targets?

"football" and "fullback" should not be capitalized unless they start a sentence.

"without the flash and the hype." can probably be deleted from the sentence about wrestling, as it currently is really unclear what exactly it is modifying.

"high school football and wrestling teams" should be capitalized like I did it there, not with a bunch of capitals at the start of the words.

"He was a big kid, in both height and weight especially so when he first joined up" should be "He was a big kid in both height and weight, especially so when he first joined up"

I'd also like his dual nature as someone either loved or hated to be explained more clearly. Is he funny except to his targets? I'm also not really sure how this relates to his competitive nature.

I'd also like to know how his parents feel about the issues he causes at school. If they brush them off, why?

"high school" and "Friday night party" don't need capitals (except "Friday")

"richer kids" should be "richer kids'" to show a possessive.

"the feelings he were feeling" should be "the feelings he was feeling"

"Did his father know, and that was why he wanted him to be a footballer so he would grow out of it?" would work better as "Did his father know? Had he only wanted Jasper to be a footballer in the hopes that he would grow out of it?"

"He couldn’t bare to tell his father" should be "He couldn’t bear to tell his father"

This: "and he was quite sure he could never show his face at wrestling or football again." is confusing in light of the fact that Jasper stayed on his teams, as revealed in the next paragraph. A bit of rephrasing could help better convey your message.

"shop" should not be capitalized.

Where online was the video of Jasper's phone history posted? Did the girl face any disciplinary action, since she presumably was identifiable from the video evidence? How did the news spread so quickly?

I'd also like to know whether his week away from school caused him any further social or academic problems. Did his parents help him get his absences excused?

This: "were assholes who would drop any pretense of a friendship," is a bit too informal, and should be rephrased.

Post when you've got Jasper edited, and we'll give him another look. Thanks!

Introduction Thread
Welcome to SOTF, gamegirl!

Be sure to check out the chat, the Mini, and the New Handler's Guide. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me or any other staffer (we have colored names). We hope you enjoy your time here!

A question on pictures

Most people use the Japanese Facemaker. Unfortunately, the controls are not in English, so I have no idea how to work it. I don't really use Facemaker myself.

Set Lasers to Fun

New people. Almost all of them were people Adam knew by sight from school. Weird. This was a little bit disconcerting. It meant he had to actually not go apeshit when the game started. Actions like that could haunt him at school or (worse!) could cause drama. He did not want to be involved in drama. He certainly did not want to be involved in the sort of crazy shit people got into in their out of school times. This association was going to be a purely professional affair.

In keeping with his aspirations to professional behavior, Adam figured it was time for a quick appraisal of his assets. Team Canine included The Wolf, The Husky, The Jackal, The Coyote, and The Dingo. Team Raptor included a bunch of girls and one dude. They were very close to having a boys vs. girls thing going on, just that one dude and The Husky were fucking it up. Adam was pretty chill, but that was kind of offensive to what organizational sensibilities he possessed. It'd be like putting Fountain in a gallery with the Mona Lisa, Guernica, and the Raft of the Medusa. Yeah, they were all great works of art, but there'd still be a urinal hanging in a room full of classical paintings.

Good thing Adam wasn't the odd one out. The Jackal gave him a nod, and he returned it automatically before wondering whether he'd messed up the aura of cool professionalism he'd been building by displaying camaraderie. Probably not. This was one of those teamwork things, a band of misfits coming together to play laser tag. Adam was fairly sure no teamwork was actually going to be involved in the actions of Team Canine, though, unless The Wolf and The Husky had already planned some kind of secret battle strategy between the two of them. No, this was going to be raw chaos, a bloodbath unadulterated by the mediating factors of people actually trying to play things smartly. Then there would be Adam, standing alone above the flames, chuckling as he picked off the opposing team one by one. He was faking people out with that nod. Then he'd do things like a professional, and they'd not only lose but also be surprised to find themselves losing. That would make it all the sweeter.


Suddenly, it was time to begin.

Adam did not jump to his feet. He stood slowly, rolled his shoulders and stretched a bit after all—bring it, motherfuckers, I am so ready for you now—and sauntered after the group into the room where they were to be briefed. He paid half attention to the rules, but was also checking out Team Raptor, searching for the weak links. That was the way to do it. Cull the weak, then surround and overpower the strong.

Giggling 'Nam flashback girl was probably not a weak link. She was probably the one who was gonna sneak up on Adam and pistol whip him just for kicks. Breaking the normal mode of insanity and cramped quarters, there was always one bozo who figured they'd be a commando. It didn't even matter that the rules made that an unappealing prospect for scoring points. For some, laser tag was not about points. It was about war.

Next, the time limit: fifteen minutes. That was more than enough for now. They moved into the room, finding positions. Adam hugged one of the curtains, pressing his back against it as much as he could press his back against a soft object that wasn't really anchored particularly well. This terrain information was important reconnaissance stuff. He wouldn't want to try to kick off one of these things for a roll or something and wipe out. He had enough trouble explaining injuries without adding laser tag damage to the pile.

Then the bell sounded. Game on. He crouched a bit, lowering his profile. Someone shouted somewhere. It was chaos, chaos and insanity and the game had only just begun. Adam stayed on the defensive for the moment, waiting for someone to come at him. The start of the game was when people cut loose with all their energy, just like any fight. That meant it was the time to stay low. He'd sweep up in the mid and late game, when he'd be running on full power while the others started to drop.

It'd be professional. That was certain.

Debora 'Debbie' Cryon
No problem!

Please do not reply to this thread until the changes are made, as replies are how we track when a profile is ready for a critique, and replying early bumps you to the back of the queue. :)

Also, check out this guide. It may prove helpful in your profile-writing endeavors.

Debora 'Debbie' Cryon
Hiya, GamerGirl, and welcome to SOTF!

Before we give Debora a full critique, please adjust her profile to match the template. In this case, that means removing the line breaks after Appearance and Biography, and putting the advantages and disadvantages into narrative format.

Post when you've got that done, and we'll give Debbie a full critique. Thanks!