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Warren Black
Thanks for the edits. Warren still could use quite a bit of grammar editing, though. For example, this "A medium build young man, if a little shorter then average standing all of 5’8 He has warm soft features that give him a kind look and soft gentle features his cheeks and brow don't have any lines or scarring from his complexion." should be at least three seperate sentences. Also, phrases like these: "Weighing in at all of 172 pounds." "A mess of sandy blond hair gelled into wild forms daily." are fragments, and quite hard to follow. I'd like you to give Warren another proofreading for that sort of stuff. If you need any grammar help for any reason, just PM me and I'll give a point-by-point breakdown of what needs to be fixed and recommendations on how to do it.

It would also be really great if you skipped lines between the paragraphs in Warren's bio, as that makes things much easier to read.

I'm a little worried about the fact that Warren enjoys fights. Why? What has happened to him in fights? This needs a lot more explanation.

I'd also like to know whether Warren has any real friends. Surely someone has made an impression on him.

Also, I see gossip and womanizing in Warren's hobby list, but not in his bio. It would be great if you tied them in. Similarly, Warren's advantages and disadvantages should be things mentioned in his bio, and be clear advantages and disadvantages in the game (how will needing glasses to read hurt him on the island?).

Post when you've got him edited, and I'll give him another look. PM me if you need any help with the editing process.

Stranded in this Shopping Hell
Rizzo gave an answer that wasn't really an answer at all. Perhaps he was trying to be funny, but it sure didn't work. Then he returned Aaron's question, spraying crumbs everywhere in the process. Aaron instinctively recoiled a little; the last thing he wanted was to spend the remainder of his parentally-induced exile covered in some else's spit and food waste. At least Rizzo noticed, and quickly started cleaning up.

"School's alright," Aaron said, giving the quickest possible answer. He paused for an awkward second or two. What now? Where could this conversation possibly go?

He decided to go ahead and spring the question he really wanted to ask, though in a careful, calculated manner. He paused another couple of seconds, planning his words so they wouldn't sound aggressive or accusatory.

"Hey, man, are you alr-"

Then cellphone girl was talking with them too. He'd caught her eye a second before, and thought maybe she did go to Bayview; now he had been unpleasantly proven right. Worse still, he couldn't really come up with any way to either continue his question or work her appearance towards finding out what was up. Quick plan changes were infuriating; whatever Aaron was, he was not an improviser.

"Ah, er, hi," he said, "I didn't see you there either."

Now go away, please...

Skype / Interwebs Roleplaying
I've had a very hard time consistently blocking out time for even in-person RPGs lately, due to my busy course work, so my participation in this is fairly unlikely right now. Sorry.

When do you visit?
I only ever access SOTF from home.

High Gloss Highs
Peter apologized, which was nice, even though Kimberly wasn't mad at him. After all, he hadn't tried to hide that the stuff was seriously tough. She just hadn't been expecting it to be quite that bad. She accepted the paper towels and began patting them against her shirt, trying to absorb as much of the alcohol as she could. This was going to complicate her life somewhat; now she'd have to get home some time when her grandparents weren't between her and her room so she could ditch the shirt before they noticed that it reeked of alcohol.

Peter finished off the rest of her drink. It was amazing that he could stand the stuff. Kimberly felt a little silly for a second. After all, it couldn't have been that bad, right?

No, it had been. She'd choked. Peter was just crazy.

Crazy and a little sick-looking. He was leaning over the table, thumping his chest, looking like he was about to repeat Kimberly's performance, or maybe vomit. Before she could work up the motivation to offer him help, though, he'd recovered and made a quick exit to find yet more alcohol to wash things down.

Kimberly found herself relatively alone on the porch. She glanced over her shoulder, back to the party. Things were still going strong, still going crazy. Somehow, though, from a distance it didn't look very attractive. It looked almost desperate, dozens of people looking for some sort of thrill in their boring, mundane lives, bombing their brains with chemical concoctions until they could forget about that next test, those college applications, the real world looming ahead of them.

Kimberly didn't want to go back inside. She'd had enough, damn it all. It was time to go home. She'd had enough to drink, and now she had a headache, and there was nothing left to do anyways now that Peter had wandered off. All that was left was to collect her sweater, abandoned somewhere amidst the throngs inside, and then make her way home.

She took two steps towards the house, then stopped. She had her purse, still. She had her hat. It wasn't that cold out. It was actually sort of nice. Besides, she was not going back in there. She'd get someone to bring her the sweater at school next week. If she put it on right now, it would just end up stinking of booze too.

Kimberly turned and started walking, away from the party, past dark house after dark house. Soon, the noise and the lights and the stink and the drunks were left far behind. Now all she had to do was figure out who she could call to come pick her up...

((Kimberly Nguyen continued in Lunch for the bored and hungry))

Reika Ishida
Thanks for the fixes. Reika is APPROVED for pregame.

Reika Ishida
Hi Rocky! Reika is temporarily DENIED. There are some details I'd like you to add or fix before I approve her for pregame.

To start with, I'd like her to have a defined weight.

I'm also skeptical of this sentence: "in a rather rare, but not unheard of, case with mirror mage twins, all her internal organs are also reversed. Her heart, liver, kidneys, and her other organs are all on the opposite side they should be." To start with, "mage" should be "image". The big thing, though, is the organs. My (admittedly brief) research showed that the phenomenon you describe is very rare, and usually doesn't affect all organs. I'd like you to PM me a citation of this sort of thing be found in humans, since I can't find anything describing exactly what you're talking about.

Reika's bio could also use some more detail in areas. How does she act with people? What does she do in her free time besides tutoring? Does she have any other siblings? How does she get along with her twin?

The big issue, though, is Reika's rape. Quite simply, this detail has to either be removed or be given a lot more thought and detail than it has right now. The entire situation is pretty outlandish and poorly detailed, and really pushes the bounds of realism. The different effect on Reika isn't really explained at all. Right now, the whole subplot feels pretty much tacked on to add drama to Reika, which really isn't needed. Please think very carefully about whether you want to keep this element in her bio, and, if you do, make sure you treat it with the respect and realism it deserves.

Post once you've got Reika edited, and I'll give her another look.

Warren Black
Hi Breven! Welcome to SOTF!

Warren is temporarily DENIED. There are some things I'd like you to fix before I approve him for pregame.

To start with, I'd like more information on his appearance. The big things that are missing are a weight and preferred clothing.

Warren's biography also needs a lot more information. You've got a good concept and start, but I'd like more detail. What sort of commercial was Warren in? What do you mean when you say he's sexually active, yet unsure? How does he feel about perceiving himself as less intelligent?

I'd also like to know about Warren now. Who are his friends? How does he do in school? How does he act with people? Does he have any siblings?

It would also be good if you restructured things so they were in a chronological order, as right now it's really hard to tell what happens when.

You should also bring up all of Warren's hobbies, advantages, and disadvantages in his bio, as right now a lot of them come out of nowhere.

Warren's disadvantages are also a bit of a mess. Specifically, the sentence "A slight squemishness towards murder more then morality until is near a person as they die Warren will be hesitant to kill in any ‘messy’ manner" bothers me. It doesn't really make sense, and if it means anything like what I think it means, it's not a disadvantage at all. The assumption in SOTF is that characters will not be eager (or, in many cases, even willing) to kill their classmates. Warren's aversion seems normal and natural, not a specific flaw. On a similar note, the bit in Warren's bio about how he'd play the game should be removed.

I'd also like you to read over the profile again to make sure everything flows well. Some sentences, such as "A mess of sandy blonde hair collects into a ponytail in the back and deep green eyes stare out", don't really make much sense, and would probably work better as two phrases.

I'd recommend you check out this character creation guide while editing Warren's profile, and read some of our Approved Registrations, such as Elma's Amanda Sinclair and Slamexo's Amber Whimsey to get an idea of what we're looking for.

Post here once you've got Warren edited, and I'll give him another look. Thanks!

Introduction Thread
Welcome to the new people! I hope you enjoy your stay. As Clu said, don't hesitate to shoot questions to any of the mods (those of us with blue or light blue names).

Bridget Connolly
Thanks for the updates! Bridget is APPROVED for pregame!

Stranded in this Shopping Hell
Rizzo didn't seem to pay any attention at all to Aaron's complaints, until, all of a sudden, he dropped a nice little suggestion that Aaron's parents had gotten him out of the way for personal reasons. That was absolutely disgusting, and, worse, probably correct. He couldn't ever admit that, though, not out loud, not in his head. No. That was one image he absolutely did not need.

"No," he said, "I don't think that's it at all. I... They weren't going home. They were going furniture shopping."

It wasn't one of his best lies, not by a long shot. Then again, he could probably have claimed to be an extraterrestrial trying to learn about human nesting habits without causing Rizzo to bat an eye. What on earth was wrong with him?

It wasn't any of Aaron's business, but that didn't really matter to him at all. He was curious. He just had to figure out some way to spin the question, some way to work it into the conversation naturally. After all, he couldn't just drop it in with no warning; that would immediately put Rizzo on the defensive, maybe make him believe Aaron was some goody-two-shoes trying to get him busted or something.

One thing was sure: whatever was wrong with Rizzo probably wasn't pot, since he didn't smell like smoke. It could have been some other drug, though. Aaron didn't know very much about drugs at all.

Then it clicked. He just had to get Rizzo talking a little more, or, better, get him to just sit weirdly like he had been. Then he could pretend to notice something wrong with him and feign concern. That would probably make him seem more trustworthy, maybe even a potential confidante. Then he'd know, and he could leave the food court for somewhere not full of freaks.

"So, how's school been?" he asked. That was the easiest topic possible to get a fellow student talking about. Complaining about teachers was the one thing practically everyone at Bayview had in common. If Rizzo didn't say anything big in response, it would be a perfect opening.

Eric Barkly
This character biography has had no alterations for more than two weeks and has been put in the abandoned characters forum. This profile is eligible for resubmission by the handler upon alterations requested from the staff.

Stranded in this Shopping Hell
Rizzo gave the expected noncommittal stock answer, followed by the expected reciprocating question, and Aaron smiled. He was good at judging people. Now Rizzo would listen to him for a bit to be polite, at the very least. Of course, Rizzo was not the optimal audience; he was dribbling crumbs and still seemed distracted or high, but one had to make do with what one had at times.

"Well," Aaron began, "my family decided that I needed new clothes, because my old ones are deficient or something, so they abandoned me at the mall. In all their unquestionable wisdom, they decided that I was indecisive enough to need to spend six hours looking."

Some girl dropped her phone, then picked it back up, wandering a little closer to their table. She looked almost familiar, like Aaron had seen her before, but that really didn't mean anything. The female teenage population of Saint Paul was largely interchangeable. The temporary amusement evoked by her clumsiness past, Aaron returned to his story without skipping a beat.

"So, I finished shopping after half an hour, but now I can't reach them on the phone. I'm stuck here with absolutely nothing to do. I really hate how stupid my parents can be sometimes. I mean, who needs six hours to shop for clothes? It's not like I weigh five hundred pounds and need to see a special tailor or something. I'm not picky. I don't need to dress in the height of fashion. I get all my shirts online, anyways."

He was rambling now, he realized, and took a break to compose himself and think through his next few sentences under the cover of taking another bite from his hamburger. Besides, that would also give Rizzo a token chance to say something, if he was so inclined.

Stranded in this Shopping Hell
Rizzo seemed totally out of it, not even catching what Aaron was saying for a few seconds. That actually was for the best. Aaron did his best not to snap at people, but sometimes they were just so stupid. If everyone were as oblivious as Rizzo, things would have been much easier. Actually, it would probably have ended conflict worldwide entirely, as everyone lived in their own little worlds and ignored everything else unless it affected them somehow.

Rizzo made some vague comments, ending by asking whether he'd just sat down at Aaron's table. Was he really that clueless? What the hell was he on?

"That's affirmative," Aaron said, still smiling a little. Then he had an idea. If Rizzo was this out of it, he'd actually probably be an interesting enough person to chat with. At the worst, Aaron could try to remember some of his stumbling speech in case he ever got another D&D campaign going, and at the best, well, Rizzo could maybe listen to him rant some.

"So," Aaron said, "What brings you to the mall today?"

That was a good opening. Now Rizzo would give some stupid answer and then most likely bounce the question back to Aaron, which was the only reason he'd even bothered with it in at all. He didn't care why Rizzo was at the mall; he did, however, feel like explaining his own woes.

Bridget Connolly
Hi Rocky, and welcome to SOTF!

Bridget is temporarily DENIED. Her profile is an excellent start, and there's only one thing I'd like to see added: a bit more about her personality. Right now, except for her dedication and the changes after her accident, I don't really know much about how she acts. You don't need to add much; a small paragraph or so would be plenty.

Oh, and I'd also like a bit of explanation of how her bad leg works with the parkour.

Post here when you've got that done and I'll give Bridget another look. Thanks!

Stranded in this Shopping Hell
Aaron picked up his burger and took another bite. It wasn't even any good. Here he was, eating a crappy burger in a stupid mall surrounded by idiots. He wondered if his day could possibly get worse.

As if summoned by some accidental eldritch incantation, Rizzo appeared and plopped down across from him. Aaron recognized him; he wasn't the best with faces, but he could at least keep up with who was in his grade. Moreover, even with Bayview's large number of interestingly named students, "Rizzo" still stood out. It only took Aaron a couple of seconds to conjure the name.

He looked at Rizzo curiously for a couple of seconds. What on earth would possess the boy to come sit next to Aaron? Was he bored? Did he need something for a class? Was he just here because they happened to share the misfortune of attending Bayview Secondary? Whatever it was, he'd say something soon, and Aaron could give whatever response would end this awkward little encounter the quickest and then go back to being bored and miserable but at least not crowded.

Unfortunately, it soon became evident that Rizzo wasn't going to say anything at all. Aaron mentally cursed his luck, and tried to remember anything he knew about Rizzo. He was pretty sure the boy was neither mute nor retarded, so that ruled out a couple of reasons for his silence. That was about the extent of what Aaron could make of him, though. He couldn't remember if Rizzo was into hard drugs or was cripplingly shy or something like that.

Well, if he is shy, I can handle this pretty easily.

Aaron put his burger down, and then coughed loudly. He followed that up by saying "Oh, excuse me. I didn't notice you there. I didn't mean to offend you by not saying 'hello' and just sitting there eating and ignoring you. I mean, that'd be pretty creepy."

That sounded a lot worse out loud than it had in his head. He wasn't having a very good day, but it wasn't fair to take it out on Rizzo. Quickly covering up his impoliteness, he smiled, half a beat slower than he probably should have, and laughed.

"I'm just kidding. How're you today Rizzo? I didn't recognize you for a little there."

Success. Scene averted. Now Rizzo could give his greetings or whatever and then leave.

Stranded in this Shopping Hell
((Aaron Hughes continued from Eleutherea))

Aaron did not like the Promenade, in fact, his dislike and disdain for the establishment went beyond the realms of the normal and into pure detestation. It stood for everything that was wrong with American culture and Aaron's generation. It was idiotic commercialism, a place where people came to purchase images instead of displaying any imagination or originality. Worse still, it also catered to preteens. Aaron did not like kids. Hell, he hadn't liked kids when he was one.

Tragically, he was obligated to spend his Sunday afternoon here, all because his parents had gotten it into their heads that he needed some sort of half-baked life lesson. They had decided that he needed new pants, because most of his old ones had holes in them, but rather than just picking them up for him, they'd given him some money and dropped him off at the Promenade, telling him that he'd have to shop for clothes on his own someday, and by someday they meant today, and that they'd come pick him up in six hours. They'd suggested he "make a day of it".

He'd argued and whined and complained the entire way there, and, for once, they'd displayed some backbone and forced him to go through with it. He was sure there was some other reason behind stranding him at the mall for such a long time. They probably planned to force him to search around for good deals or socialize or something, to learn to be thrifty or outgoing. He wasn't having any of it, though. No, he'd gone to the first department store and bought four new pairs of cargo pants. It had taken him twenty minutes. Now he was in the food court, holding a tray on which rested a greasy cheeseburger and fries, wondering how on earth he was going to survive the next five hours. He'd already tried calling his mom to come pick him up, but her phone was off.

He sighed and made his way to a table, sitting down and taking an apathetic bite of the burger. He really was stuck. There was nowhere to go and nothing to do. He resigned himself to his fate. He'd be spending quite a bit of time at the mall today.

But he sure wasn't going to enjoy it.

High Gloss Highs
Kimberly followed Peter out of the house, pushing through the terrible press of people, squeezing between the sweaty bodies. It was disgusting, simply disgusting. This party was really starting to wear on her, now that she thought of it. What was wrong with these people? Was Justin really this fucking popular, or had someone just sent out some sort of mass email promising free sex and booze or something?

Then they were free, free and in the fresh air, and to top it all off it was nice and cool outside. At least, it seemed that way in comparison. There were some people, sure, but they were out of the way, and Kimberly hoped they'd stay that way. She'd had enough shit from idiots already tonight, what with the screaming and the glass and the jello shots. She really could use a drink.

Peter was already on it, pouring the mystery liquor into glasses. He handed her one, and offered a brief toast. At that moment, he seemed like some sort of alcohol-bearing guardian angel, there to snatch her away from the nightmare and into a more comfortable land of fuzzy recollections and lowered judgment. Kimberly clinked her plastic glass against his and knocked back the contents.

Rather, she attempted to. As soon as the alcohol hit her tongue she realized that something was very, very wrong. It was like drinking fire, complete with the burning agony. The first drops hit the back of her throat and she coughed, wheezed, spewed the half-shot she'd had in her mouth all over the front of her shirt and the porch. She had been expecting strong stuff, but not that strong.

"What the fuck is this?" she asked between coughs, "Paint thinner?"

Peter asked if she wanted to take a second round, and she looked at him.

"Peter," she said, "You must be either brave or crazy to suggest drinking another drop of this stuff. I think I'm done. In fact," she said, looking at the half shot that remained in her glass, "if you want the rest of mine, you're welcome to it. It's the flavor out of space or something. I mean, I thought I knew how to drink, but I've never tasted anything like that before."

Moreover, she hoped not to repeat the experience. Kimberly was of the firm belief that getting a buzz was only worth so much, and damn it all, she'd rather just smoke some weed or something than try to force down a drink she couldn't even swallow.

In The Park
Lily seemed happy enough to help, which was good. It meant Everett didn't have to feel at all guilty for taking up her time.

Lily then put the grabber away, asking Everett if he knew she worked for the paper.

"Oh, yeah," he replied, "I like your writing."

He read the paper fairly regularly, and remembered having enjoyed some of Lily's articles. He couldn't quite figure out why she was asking him about it, though. It didn't really make sense, unless she wanted to ask him something for a story, but he couldn't imagine that.

After all, I'm not exactly the most interesting person in school. I mean, I clean parks in my free time. Other kids are running around winning basketball games and performing in concerts and writing stories and all sorts of amazing stuff. I clean parks. Even I wouldn't want to read about me.

Not sure quite how to continue, he just waited. If she did want to interview him for some reason, he'd be glad to help, but he didn't want to presume anything.

Dylan Walsh
Yup. Thanks a ton. Dylan is APPROVED for pregame.