Welcome everyone! |
Quick Links, Announcements & Affiliates |
|---|---|
|
The Rules How To Play
Mibbit: #thelegacy - Register Profiles | Homebases Active Topics & Active Users Looking for RP References Calc Maps: Region | World | Area | Landmark |
| [M] different ways to say the same thing | |
|---|---|
| Topic Started: Aug 28 2013, 06:31 PM (322 Views) | |
| Jin White | Aug 28 2013, 06:31 PM Post #1 |
|
existential mage
|
...
Edited by Jin White, Jan 29 2017, 01:01 PM.
|
|
i used to be shy. now i'm reserved. who the #!@% is j i n w h i t e character level: 26 { home base } 43
| |
![]() |
|
| Jin White | Jun 13 2014, 09:40 AM Post #2 |
|
existential mage
|
for boris, and also for shireen. summary: strangers fuck. stranger #1 reconciles having a one night stand with finding something worth holding on to: typical emotional responses ensue. cast: stranger #1: jin white stranger #2: tripp ryder word count: 1169 Edited by Jin White, Jun 13 2014, 09:43 AM.
|
|
i used to be shy. now i'm reserved. who the #!@% is j i n w h i t e character level: 26 { home base } 43
| |
![]() |
|
| Fordy | Jun 13 2014, 02:52 PM Post #3 |
|
ain't no new thing
|
The sheer amount of time spent on something so short really really tells you how important it is. I found it a few months ago and saw the date it was posted and that it was incomplete, and when I saw that you had just edited it a few days before that I had to read it. So I've been waiting on this awhile and I'm glad I noticed it was done. This is basically... perfect, I'd say. Every word is so deliberately chosen and every section so well-crafted. It sets a mood and emotion pace of poetic device from the first paragraph. The format for the section is established (It's). The pacing. The constant juxtaposition. You'd think it might grow boring - and maybe it would in a longer piece - but not a single one seems tossed out carelessly. Again, every word in this feels precise and labored over. Reading this, you feel like you're watching the scene play out from above, dancing through the room bobbing just below the ceiling - but just glimpsing. Yet you're inside their heads. You feel this. I can't relate to it but I feel like I get it. It transcends orientation and is universal, if that's not too fucking flowery for a mod on a pokemon website. I like that it's funny too. The flips from profound to humor are just perfect, my only complaint is that there aren't more. This is clever. It winks at you three paragraphs in a row: "Fucking him like you love him", "It's about letting go.", "after the big bang.". Here's a minor suggestion, because I like rhyming things: I wished these few lines were like this: "It's being scared and nervous and excited and foolish too and it's giving up your pride. It's being strong and confident and stoic and foolish too and it's holding something The switch to "He/I" is just in time, so the original format doesn't have time to get tiring. I enjoy the recurring lines. "x in the videos" "mohawk" "it's the aftermath" etc. It wraps up with a potent juxtaposition extract. It's constant throughout the piece and then it puts the final nail in it. I'm trying to think about what complaints someone could bring up. Other than personal preferences (maybe someone just doesn't like the style (maybe it'd be beneficial to have someone like that also grade it)), what is there? Anything it lacks it lacks for a reason. No line itself falls particularly flat. Is there not enough of a story? To me it's exactly what it tries to be, and it's engrossing and powerful along the way. Let's say a base score of 50 ![]() +3 Word Count +4 Summary and sticking to it +5 Introduction +7 Humor and clever lines +2 Just saw you bolded 69 in the word count 76
Edited by Fordy, Jun 13 2014, 02:54 PM.
|
541 ![]() oh! sweet nuthin'APL: 5 | |
![]() |
|
| Jin White | Jun 13 2014, 06:16 PM Post #4 |
|
existential mage
|
ahh man, i never would have thought about rhyming had you not mentioned it. awesome. one of my friends does killer spoken word, and this will forever be a legendary post in my eyes: the inspiration is there. expect enhanced lyricism thanks for the grade; i appreciate it. |
|
i used to be shy. now i'm reserved. who the #!@% is j i n w h i t e character level: 26 { home base } 43
| |
![]() |
|
| 1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous) | |
| « Previous Topic · Kevin Baconville · Next Topic » |
| Track Topic · E-mail Topic |
8:25 AM Jul 11
|
A big thanks to all the mods and admins who freely volunteer their time and energy to this RPG to help it grow and become awesome.
Hosted for free by ZetaBoards · Privacy Policy









8:25 AM Jul 11