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Big and bad and gorgeous we need a little more; Just hold your horses joining forces so we's twice what we was
Topic Started: Nov 26 2010, 10:21 PM (242 Views)
Blake Kinlion
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Same taste you love, 0% Trans fat!
Freeform Specs
Word Count: 2118

Setting: Magnet Train

Summary: When Kagami & Co. board a train to Ashdell, they are surprised to find that public transportation inevitably leads to public interaction. When the train stops due to an unforeseen technical problem, it is up to them to save the day.

Purpose: Enter the November Monthly Contest



Notes: I usually prefer to write as Kagami and the Unowns from a first person perspective, but that gets taxing and hard to understand after a while, so I'll be writing this particular freeform in third person. Also, to make things simpler, the two Unowns controlling Kagami right now (K&G) will be called their Greek letter counterparts Kappa and Gamma, respectively. I also want to experiment with present tense, because I rarely write like that, hopefully I don't completely duff it. Also, this story is based on true events.

If you don't know Kagami and who/what she is, I would suggest reading up a little in her Profile before reading this.
Rewards: Unown F; Exp


"All aboard to Ashdell!" Shouts the train conductor loudly. His obsessive compulsive demeanor acts up and he unwittingly clicks his hand-held hole punch twice as he watches two elderly ladies shuffle onto the coach class car, regarding them with a smile and a nod. He instinctively clicks the hole punch again and again for each passenger that boards the train, among them Kagami Seraphina.

In all reality, that was a name she used to go by, before her mind was hijacked by a colony of history hoarding Unowns. She lost her identity that day. Frankly, she lost her whole life, but not solely because of the Unowns that now followed her everywhere. Kagami's family was kidnapped by an underground organization bent on something close to world domination. Kagami wasn't home when the offense occurred. She finally returned home to see her house in disarray and a security tape of men in black suits forcing her family out the door.

Instead of pursuing the kidnappers, or seeking justice, Kagami went into a total meltdown. She ran from the disaster in shambles, her entire soul and mentality breaking down. Finally she collapsed--an empty shell of a person--at the proverbial footsteps of the Unown's home. This is where they found her and made her their bridge to humanity. It is likely she will never see her family again.

However, this in no way affects Kagami, for her identity is now the Unowns, she has no conscious brain function that isn't run by these psychic runes. Kagami lives her life as a puppet, and she will never know this.

Public interaction is one thing the Unowns hadn't counted on. They were used to keeping very minimal contact with any other beings besides themselves. This, of course, would prove difficult to maintain on a crowded train.

Kagami, followed by her Unown commanders, Kappa and Gamma, begin to board the train. The conductor clicks his hole punch three times before confronting her. "Excuse me, miss." He interrupts, placing a hand on her shoulder, "We only allow one Pokémon per trainer out of their Pokéballs on the train." Kagami and the Unowns study the conductor for a moment, trying to comprehend what he just said, before conceding. Stealthily, Gamma disappears behind Kagami, all the while shrinking. Gamma finds a spot on Kagami's right arm and silently fuses into her skin, appearing as a small Unown shaped tattoo. The conductor, either unaware or uncaring about how Kagami had mysteriously made the glyph disappear, ushers her along with a wave of his hand.

The train is teeming with passengers of all shapes, sizes, and ethnicities. Most sit silently staring out the window, awaiting the train's imminent departure, while others scramble to find a place to sit, or juggle the bags and suitcases they brought with them up into the luggage racks. Kagami and Kamma soon discover an empty set of seats in the rear of the foremost car. She sits in the window seat and Kamma flattens himself against the window, its back to the glass pane, and closes its eye.

The train horn trumpets its departure tone and slowly begins creeping along the track. Not soon after does one of the train's last passengers to board scuffles over to the only visible unoccupied seat in the front car, and sits down. The seat happens to be the one next to Kagami's who ignores the hefty gentleman's arrival and joins that population who peer lazily out the windows.

"What stop are ya off at?" Says the gentleman looking sincerely inquisitive at Kagami, but then his expression falters and he indulges himself in a hearty chortle. "Only kiddin' a-course! Everyone knows this train only runs ta Ashdell 'n back!" He mentally jots the joke down to add to his ever growing stand-up comic material. His laughter fades as he realizes Kagami failed to regard his best train joke. "Hey, Missy, ya 'ave a name? No wait, lemme guess it, I'm great with names. You look like annnnnn...Angela! Am I right? I'm right ain't I?" His face beams towards Kagami's reflection in the window, stoic and unmoving as ever. She disregards this as well.

"Hey." The gentleman says, bumping Kagami's arm slightly, "Earth ta Angela!" The instant the man touches her arm, Kagami and Kappa simultaneously open their eyes and turn to face the man, a menacing look on Kagami's face. The man raises his hands in mock surrender. "I come in peace!" He says, a laugh still present in his voice. "Sorry, I di'n't mean anythin' by it. Jus' tryin' to lighten the mood, ain't I? Name's Barny." He extends a large, roughed hand to consummate a formal introduction, but still, Kagami ignores him, turning back to gaze at the scintillating blue water the magnet train bridge spanned. At this, Barny gives up; the message was clear that Kagami had no interest in talking to him.

The train ride continues at a normal pace. Although the ocean spanned wide between the Upper Shelf and Corona Island, the speed of the train meant for only a half hour trip for its passengers; that is, except for today. Suddenly and unexpectedly, the train slows drastically and eventually reaches a halt. Passengers who took the train daily rise up from their trances and look around, their faces full of confusion. The train never stopped mid-transit, they wonder, what happened? Just as a murmur of startled commuters' concerns start up, the door at the front of the car opens. The nervous conductor appears, this time without his hole punch, although his hand still twitches as if he were holding it.

Everyone looks his way for the answers they require, some even stand up. He holds up his hands and says, "We've just been informed by our dispatcher that we should stop here for a few moments. They haven't yet told us why, but when we receive more information, we'll pass it along." A disgruntled groan issues from the patrons as everyone regains their seats and waits for this mess to unravel.

As the conductor passes Kagami and Barny's seats into the next car to relay the news, Kappa's eye opens wide. Surely, it had just felt something; a presence is near, or something else. It's too small a feeling for Kappa to give it credit, and he resumes resting.

Several minutes later, business workers late for appointments and other passengers tired of sitting around begin confronting the conductor every chance they get. He quells them by repeating that he has no knowledge yet from his dispatchers about their forced stop. Despite this, the train's intercom crackles to life and its voice explains, "I have just been informed that there is some track damage up ahead. I have been spared the details, but we're going to stick tight here for a while before we decide to change direction and switch trains. This could be sorted out soon."

Track damage? Everyone wonders aloud in hushed voices, what on earth could that mean? Kagami and Kappa failed to notice the buzz of the passengers. Kappa and Gamma, in their resting state, confides in one another about what they had potentially just witnessed

Could that have been what we thought it might be? They converse in their own complicated psychic language comprised of pictures and brainwave frequencies. Another feeling swept over them and this time Kagami's eyes flew open, her neck craning to see how far past the front of the train she could see. She can't see much, but Kappa and Gamma are sure what it was they felt.

Barny stretches his arms up high and places them behind his head. "Might as well get comfortable if we're gonna be stuck 'ere." He says, setting the stage for Kagami to get up and shuffle out into the aisle. "Hey, where ya goin'?" Barny exclaims, but is neglected an answer.

Kagami pushes through the aisle towards the front of the train, Kappa following close by. She stops at the door that leads to the train driver's car, which was now blocked by the conductor. He was waiting for more information from the engineer who was talking on a phone. Kagami overhears the conversation he was having. "But that's impossible!" He cries, "What do you mean the track is missing?"

Kappa opened a psychic link to the engineer to hear what the person on the other line was saying. I can't describe it, says the man on the phone, the track is missing because there's a hole in the way. The train engineer starts to interject. I know! I know it doesn't make any sense! Sitting in the spot where the tracks should be is like, a big tear. I'm no scientist, but it looks like one of those sci-fi movies where a rip in time and space happens.

This confirms it for Kappa and Gamma. They had a serious situation on their hands. Kagami spins around and finds the nearest sliding doors and punches its "emergency exit" button. The door swings open and immediately, the train's alarms start going off. People shout and scream and the train conductors attempt to calm everyone down. In all the confusion, Kagami jumps from the train and onto the tracks. Before a magnet train official can stop her and Kappa, they're off like a shot down the track.

There's a lot of commotion when they reach the damaged track area. The track maintenance car sits idly on the other side of the blatantly missing track segment. Looking at it quickly, one might suggest that the track is still under construction, but studying it more closely reveals that something extraordinary was happening. In the place where there is no track, the air seems to shimmer, not unlike the way heat waves rise from hot pavement. Such is not the case, however. After staring at the gleaming area for a few moments, Kagami and Kappa witness the spot wrenching open on it's own accord, distorting the light around it, making it look positively otherworldly.

Gamma unlatches itself from Kagami's arm and the three of them approach the rift. One of the workers then notices their arrival and puts an arm out to stop them. "Little lady!" He shouts to her over the din that was now emanating from the space-time hole. "Turn back, it is not safe for you here!" Of course he does not know what Kagami and the Unowns know: that this is a trans-dimensional pathway created by Unowns.

The portal looks dark, with specks of light flying past it as blurred as the countryside to a passing train. Kappa and Gamma stare into the hole expectantly, and then, just as a vaguely letter-shaped something shoots across the rift's field of vision, the two Unowns dive into it.

The other side of the rift looks like a negative of what they were previously looking at: all dark with a window of light leading to Kagami's dimension. Kappa and Gamma start searching, looking for the cause of this disturbance, a daunting task in a seemingly infinite amount of darkness. However, the Unown in question hasn't strayed far. They simultaneously spot the one-eyed glyph and pursue it. The F shaped being turns around to see that it's being chased and attempts to evade them.

Meanwhile, Kagami and the track workers experience the whole bridge shaking, as if in an earthquake. All the while the deafening roar of air filling the vacuum of the other dimension grows louder. Many of the workers begin to panic and escape the scene. Someone tries to rescue Kagami, but she stays stone still, unmoving, waiting for the masters of her mind.

Without warning, a sound much like a cork popping from a champagne bottle drowns the roar of the rift and three Unowns, Kappa, Gamma, and the newly found Phi, all erupt from the tear and synchronously fire Hidden Power attacks at it. There is a wildly enormous explosion, but after dust and smoke settle, the track remains as normal as ever.

The Unown trio float back down to Kagami's side, Gamma and Phi fuse into Kagami's skin, Gamma in its original place, and Phi just behind Kagami's ear. One of the workers was transfixed enough to have noticed everything that had happened. As Kagami sticks her hands in her pockets and strolls back towards the stopped train, he runs after her. "Hey! Hey Miss!" He shouts to her. For the first time that day, she acknowledges this beckoning, turning around to face the man. "What happened? What did your Pokémon just do?"

She pauses as the Unowns evaluate what the man just asked them. Before turning back towards the train she replies "Saved you."
Edited by Blake Kinlion, Nov 30 2010, 08:36 PM.
The RecklessThe Sitch | APL: 41.666Knowledge | APL: 8The Hopeless
Leslie Shallows
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49 :fs
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Pokemon; Location; GenExp
Rattata | "Blade" | Level 41
Exeggutor | "Belmont" | Level 41
Seaking | "Echo" | 43
Current Location: Tromante Tropical Forest
Current Destination: Hillmoss Grasslands
Freeform 1 | Freeform 2
RP GenExp: 7.2
Freeform Exp: 0.0
Pokemon; Location; GenExp
Unown K | Level 10
Unown G | Level 7
Unown F | Level 7
Current Location: Moorfeldt Grasslands
Current Destination: Nowhere Yet
RP GenExp: 2.8
Freeform Exp: 0.0
Kagami Seraphina
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18 :fs
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mephistopheles
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~ ANBU (to be) ~
Cute story. Short and sweet. I liked it a lot.

Present tense usually don't sit well with me. Don't like writing it, and don't like reading it. But this piece flowed for me, and I had no qualms as I read it, so you must have done some magic there. Good stuff!

There were some other mixed feelings as I read it, however. Although what I liked about this freeform was that it was short, to the point, and rather light, it seemed like it could have been so much more. It's hard for me to say this because the whole short and sweet thing worked out for you here, and I know you intended it to be a lighter piece, but I couldn't help wondering about all the explanation behind what happened.

Why was Phi causing the rift? What exactly did Gamma and Kappa do inside the rift? Why did Phi come back with them? Why was Phi on the same lines with Gamma and Kappa at the end? I know this opens another whole can of worms that would lengthen your freeform if you took everything into account, but I couldn't help but wonder when I read your freeform.

For a November contest entry, I would have liked to see a little bit more exploration of Kagami. The whole Unown controlling Kagami's mind is a super interesting idea (to me anyway), and I think you could have experimented with it a lot more with her interaction (or lack of) with Barny to fully explain the situation.

The whole accident that needed saving seemed a little shoehorned in, just to give your piece a conflict to solve. Would have probably been a lot better if you thought of some way to link the ending back to the beginning of your piece, utilizing the month's theme and Kagami. Oh, and I couldn't really visualize an explosion after Hidden Power-ing the rift. Doesn't seem like it's an explosion type of... effect. =S

Speaking of the end, though. Loved the, "Saved you." Nice twist. lulz

So! Raw score of 6 :ffexp . Since this is for November, new contest rules don't kick in quite yet. So x1.5 boost is automatic and rewards come after to keep things fair. That means you get...

:lvl 5 :unownf and 4 :ffexp !

(Let me know if I made a mistake, or made a false assumption on the above rules.)

0.3 :gexp2 for me. Squee!
Edited by mephistopheles, Dec 6 2010, 08:13 AM.

Neuron Long
APL: 36.6
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0.6 from team posts | 2.2 from VP event posts | 4.2 from Litte Cup | 1.3 from BoB | 0.5 from MoMV
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Blake Kinlion
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Same taste you love, 0% Trans fat!
Thanks for the critique!

You are correct about a lot of things you mentioned. There was a lot more I could have explored with this Freeform, but it was supposed to be a diet Freeform. However, what I included and what I didn't include all pertains to certain aspects of the situation.

Why did Phi cause the rift? What did Gamma, Kappa, and Phi do in the rift? (etc...) Those are the questions the reader is left asking and purposely too. Unowns are unowns, and unknown, and mysterious, and kind of legendary. No one truly knows what they are capable of (at least beyond their battling capabilities in the games) I intend to take this whole Unown business to all new heights by expanding their capabilities, but also by keeping them as mysterious as ever.

I can accept that I left a big gaping hole in the story (<-LuL) if that's what happened, but I intended on keeping the inner workings of the Unown world a mystery. So, fail on that part so far.

Also, for the theme's purpose, Kagami and the Unowns' identities are one in the same. In hindsight I really could have expanded on this a little to fit better with the theme. For this freeform, I ended up focusing mainly on Unown-Kagami's lack of interaction throughout the experience.

As far as the conflict being shoved into the story. You're right. When I came up with the idea for this freeform I thought "Where should this take place?" And a train came to mind because I had just gone through a similar experience on a train where it got stuck because of track damage. I didn't have to deal with Barny, but a train felt like a good place to explore Kagami's interaction with other people.

All in all, I get jittery when I start to write freeforms, because they take me a long time, even one of this length. This took me 4 days to finish, and by that time I was crunching to fit the deadline and just wanted the story over with.

Anyway, Thanks!

EDIT: Using my 4 :ffexp on Unown F raising him from Level 5 to Level 7 and he has 1.0 Exp now.
Edited by Blake Kinlion, Dec 6 2010, 10:08 AM.
The RecklessThe Sitch | APL: 41.666Knowledge | APL: 8The Hopeless
Leslie Shallows
Posted Image

49 :fs
Posted Image Posted ImagePosted Image
Pokemon; Location; GenExp
Rattata | "Blade" | Level 41
Exeggutor | "Belmont" | Level 41
Seaking | "Echo" | 43
Current Location: Tromante Tropical Forest
Current Destination: Hillmoss Grasslands
Freeform 1 | Freeform 2
RP GenExp: 7.2
Freeform Exp: 0.0
Pokemon; Location; GenExp
Unown K | Level 10
Unown G | Level 7
Unown F | Level 7
Current Location: Moorfeldt Grasslands
Current Destination: Nowhere Yet
RP GenExp: 2.8
Freeform Exp: 0.0
Kagami Seraphina
Posted Image

18 :fs
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