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| Lorenzian Wildlands; gully - > four foot grass 2 | |||
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| Topic Started: Nov 14 2010, 07:29 PM (570 Views) | |||
| Jin White | Nov 14 2010, 07:29 PM Post #1 | ||
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existential mage
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details
his name was tyler. he had blonde hair and bright blue eyes. he called himself ty. his shirt was tie-dyed, a little too tight, his mother would have been disappointed. ---- Ty. Comparisons are odious; Jin is nothing like tyler. Jin and tyler are one and the same. Tyler feels alive; feels warmth and love and is in love with jin. He loves jin whole-heartedly. He sees Jin and loves him: he sees Jins weaknesses and he loves them. Which is why Jin resents him at times Jin is an asshole. But Tyler loves it, see? Ive always liked the assholes. The ones with the mohawks, the piercings, the ones who yelled when everyone else was too afraid to speak. I remember the first one. I crushed on him hard, real hard, thought wed be together forever. We dated for six days, didnt speak to each other, and we broke up. I felt empty for a while I guess, mostly just sad. Found it hard to be around him and we went to the same school for two years. I like Jin because hes solid. Hes prone to blow up about little things that tick him off but he listens to me and he trusts me, he looks at me like Im good even when he makes me feel bad. He has confidence. He knows what hes doing and hes wild sometimes, like I dont even know how his mind must be functioning. Hes popular. He gets along easy. Boys and girls like him because he likes girls and boys. I like him because hes smart and he thinks hes noble. The thing is he doesnt listen. He doesnt think hes cute; he thinks hes an outcast. He downs on himself which is why he downs on people that (are) like him. He thinks hes like nothing else on this planet, which is true, and he thinks that no one will understand him. So he doesnt tell them anything. Hes told me: 1.he thinks hes a prophet 2.he is a prophet 3.he thinks he talks to celebi; or that celebi talks to him 4.he wants to tear down the fourth wall because he thinks it will solve everything. he thinks we can just rename the place canaan and tear down the wall and everyone will just hug each other when they reunite. He gets so mad about it, too, like its so obvious and wont listen to anything else. Hell stop talking to you, stop listening to you, obstinate like a child, decided that hes right. Hell tell you youre right, too, and hell mean it, but he knows hes also right so its not even worth discussing. And then the conversation stops. 5.once, he saw a tree glow. There was no reason for it to glow, in his stoned opinion, but it started glowing anyway. The weird part is that he had just been asking, praying, if you will apparently at that very instant that he receive a sign and thats when the tree lit up. 6. 7.that he loves me, that he really truly means it and that nothing will ever change that. But even as he says it he says it like its heavy, like its a burden. Hes an asshole to the core; he actually enjoys making other people feel bad. Rather, what he feels the need to do will make other people feel bad. And he wants to do it anyway. Theres two sides to us: zen and nerd. Were always one or the other. Nerd is angsty, zen is love. Nerd is isolation and zen is integration. Nerd is integration into poktechopia and a complete denial of responsibility. He will respond to nothing. Zen is smoother, knows he looks sexy with mustard smeared on his face. Comparisons are odious, yah. Zen is good. Nerd is life. -x- The first night was something. He was a kitten, a ball of fire. He was full of closet angst and supernatural anger say the wrong thing and suddenly hes down your throat and around the corner. I was a dick, maybe, dark-eyed and bangled, but I was giving him a chance and he wouldnt look at me. The worst part was he slept with me anyway, and acted like a whore about it. I mean it was hot but it didnt need to go down that way. Actually it was really hot. So heres what happened: I told him he could sleep in my tent. I knew he wanted it and I stretched as I said it, made sure my shirt lifted up. ---
cut to: lorenzian wilderness Edited by Jin White, Nov 15 2010, 07:26 PM.
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i used to be shy. now i'm reserved. who the #!@% is j i n w h i t e character level: 26 { home base } 43
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| Kari | Dec 5 2010, 05:10 AM Post #2 | ||
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Blinded by the magic.
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0.3 to me first. Using Tyler's reactions and unabashed abuse of fourth-wall breaking to push your point is astonishingly impressive here. At this point, I kind of lost my inhibitions at giving a contentious and contestable grade, because I'm really jaded. Which is good for you, Jin, because by instincts I actually liked this. This is, ultimately, a copious load of indirectly woven ambiguous bullshit to put it bluntly. It will be taken as bullshit by many, many people. Yet no one can dismiss how persuasive you are at pressing your point about Jin. You are undoubtedly a master at stream of conscious writing, and the plain characters portrayed to me actually become all the more appealing. So even if it were bullshit by general consensus I'm willing to suck it up. All of it. This is simple, but effective, writing. Very simple, very effective, very persuasive, slightly controversial and ultimately it has stepped into the gray areas of Smodding. You clearly don't conform, yet whether it is taken as pure smoke or artistic creativity remains to be judged. It doesn't matter to you, anyway. I think. You get 4 for this, 1.5x considered.
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[Satari] | APL: 53 | | | | | Spoiler: click to toggle
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| Jin White | Dec 5 2010, 07:29 AM Post #3 | ||
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existential mage
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thank you | ||
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i used to be shy. now i'm reserved. who the #!@% is j i n w h i t e character level: 26 { home base } 43
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| Jin White | Dec 31 2010, 04:47 PM Post #4 | ||
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existential mage
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Just hours before the Jgsei Invasion of Opaddeka, Jin stumbled out of Lorenzo Town and wandered deep into the wilderness. His intention was to reunite with Duke. CHAPTER THREE: THE RECKONING Jin was panicking. His face was still burning and he couldnt believe himself: he had two black eyes, a gash across one side of his face, and blood splats over his nose and forehead. He also had cuts on his knee, his ear, and both hands. Occasionally Jin leaned forward to write in his journal. He wrote a few short passages on the events of the weekend, from arriving at Lorenzo, to falling down, to staying at the pokmon center health ward. It was dizzying for him even to write out his thoughts as they were so scattered; but he scribbled furiously into his journals. Then he would rest, or pretend to rest, and struggle to go to bed while he waited for Tyler to come back. Or for Willow to write back, or for Duke to come back, or for Psyduck to come back, or oh shit. He felt himself groan with intestinal pain. He curled back into his bed. The nurses closed the curtains around Jin's bed. Tyler poked his head in on occasion, usually while Jin slept, or pretended to sleep. Eventually Tyler left and didnt come back. [flashback: publicity] - x - [fade to: pocket monsters] WHEN JIN LEFT Lorenzo Town that night the snow was falling in thick white sheets. He felt like a complete idiot. He felt like he was being judged; like everything depended on how he looked, how he acted. At this. Very. Moment. "Please, God, I need a sign." So as he trudged through the six-foot grass, the icy stalks brushing against his cheeks, he prayed openly to the world. He spoke out loud and he didn't mind who heard. The night was complete now and the grasses were taller than he was, and so it was like a blindfold around his eyes as he stumbled towards Duke.
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i used to be shy. now i'm reserved. who the #!@% is j i n w h i t e character level: 26 { home base } 43
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| Kirin | Jan 16 2011, 07:52 PM Post #5 | ||
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Kirin the Bloodedge
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I, uh... Wow. That's basically all I have to say. I had to read this, then re-read this just to make sure I was in fact reading what I was reading, and boy was it chaotic. I'm left with so many questions, all of them good: what actually happened to Jin after he stopped in the snow, why is he writing to Professor Willow, and what's going to happen next? The fact that your freeform actually includes the fairytale you're referencing is interesting. Since I don't know Beauty and the Beast very well, it helped. Your writing for writing's sake is pretty much awesome, and that earns you some serious points for pure creativity. Admittedly, content-wise, it's a little lacking, only because you leave so much open-ended. We don't know what's going on in the end. What I expect from this is a follow-up freeform, or something; that's what I'm seeing here from what you've written. A lot of things require reader's prior knowledge of what and why Jin is doing things, and that makes this very difficult as a stand-alone story. Reading and re-reading it doesn't highlight many of the nuances that may have been missed the first time, which is a little disappointing - again, you have to read a bevy of other works to gain that knowledge. I'd say expand a little more inside the piece itself in future if you really want the reader to touch the single work and say 'wow, this is amazing'. As a whole, this freeform is short, sweet, to the point, and utterly batshit crazy to try and keep up with. The title certainly fits what you've written. As for your prize, I know I modded you to the Flower Meadow already so I don't think you want that. Your final score is 3.5 . .3 for me. Edited by Kirin, Jan 16 2011, 07:54 PM.
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![]() ![]() LP: 70 | 0.5 ![]() Albion LP: 144 Modding LP: 12 | |||
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| Jin White | Jan 30 2011, 04:30 PM Post #6 | ||
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existential mage
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x1.5 multiplier brings it to 5.25 ... rounding it down to 5.2thanks a million |
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i used to be shy. now i'm reserved. who the #!@% is j i n w h i t e character level: 26 { home base } 43
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| Jin White | Jul 31 2011, 03:28 PM Post #7 | ||
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existential mage
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Edited by Jin White, Jul 31 2011, 03:29 PM.
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i used to be shy. now i'm reserved. who the #!@% is j i n w h i t e character level: 26 { home base } 43
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| Kirin | Aug 1 2011, 05:41 PM Post #8 | ||
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Kirin the Bloodedge
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I'm not entirely sure upon what basis I need to grade this. I mean, it's... still technically a written piece, like most other freeforms. It's just scanned, hard for me to read at places and really not all that much different from your standard typed entry. A good idea, to be sure, but since it's not all that far departed I'm not grading it any differently. That said, this was a pain for me to read. I can barely read the thumbnails your thing provides, and the fullscreen view wasn't working properly for me. Took me about ten minutes to start being able to jury-rig a way to read it. I would've used the thumbnails but the text was just really squishy and messy at that point. Onto the freeform itself. I'd comment on how jerky it gets, but since it's a series of journal entries it's sort of meant to be that way, so it works. I'm not entirely sure what the point of the first section is, about some crazy-cult Team Aqua. It feels like a bit of a loose end, even given the last bit. However, the bar anecdote was indeed amusing enough to make up for it, the poor bastard. This does provide an interesting point of reference for Duke, at the very least. So, you'll definitely be getting your 1.5x. In general, writing-wise, there's no errors, it's grammatically good, and flows (for journal entries) well. However, I don't feel it's up to your usual standard of writing. Perhaps the different format is making it harder, but, either way. Your score: 3.3. With 1.5x mod: 5.0. .3 for me. |
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![]() ![]() LP: 70 | 0.5 ![]() Albion LP: 144 Modding LP: 12 | |||
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| Jin White | Aug 1 2011, 08:13 PM Post #9 | ||
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existential mage
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Appreciated. I actually like this more than most anything I've written, I think, because Jin is finally becoming a real boy. I transcribed each of the pages in the comments under the image; should've mentioned that maybe. |
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i used to be shy. now i'm reserved. who the #!@% is j i n w h i t e character level: 26 { home base } 43
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6:41 PM Jul 10
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for this, 1.5x considered.
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6:41 PM Jul 10