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| Yes, Virginia. Santa Claus is real. Ly drunk.; Caution! Curse words! | ||||||||||||||||
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| Topic Started: Sep 8 2010, 08:49 AM (1,046 Views) | ||||||||||||||||
| Randrew | Sep 8 2010, 08:49 AM Post #1 | |||||||||||||||
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The Flabbergaster
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Kris popped the cork on a new bottle of brandy and began to talk. "Fuck," he said, looking around. "You know, Helper Elf, I think they need to mow around here. Fuckin' grass is fuckin' tall. How come it's always 'I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus? Can't Mommy ever be be fuckin' Santa Claus? Well, I guess they never said where she was kissin' him, right? Ehehehe. Well, it was underneath the mistletoe, I guess, but you know what I mean. If I could have a superpower, that's what I'd want it to be. Missile toes. That shit'd be sweet. Somebody mouths off to me, kapow, I kick 'em in the ass and then fire a rocket toe up their asshole. That'd show 'em. 'Sides, explosions fuckin' rock. I think Michael Bay might just be my favorite director. I heard this really good joke once. Have I told you this one? Tell me if you've heard it before. Why don't seagulls live by the bay? Because then they'd be beagles! Bagels! Fuck! Shit. Fuckin' shit is gross. Don't do it, Helper Elf. Never fuck shit. Or shit while fuckin'. There's a lot of clean up involved with both of those. I don't like cleaning. That's women's work, you know? Fuckin' women. Always makin' fun of me. Sitting on my lap but never really wantin' to sit on my lap, you know? I mean, sure, I get tail, but sometimes, you want more than casual sex, you know? Maybe she's a nice young thing and you'd like to take her to the roller disco, but she isn't interested in going to the roller disco. She just wants to fuck you so she can laugh with all her friends that she fucked the mall Santa. Well ho ho, you ho! If I ever see you again, I'll cut off your tits! Not that you had any to start with. Looked like a fuckin' little boy. I don't like little boys. They're fuckin' dudes. I don't fuck dudes. I mean, I've seen a nice lookin' man in my time, but cocks are fuckin' weird. I ain't into that. I don't know why ladies are, but they're fuckin' crazy, you know? You know what I don't get? Tuna. What the fuck is that shit? Some kinda fish? I ain't ever seen a fish that look like that. Glasses and red hair and shit. That's fuckin' weird. But I mean, I guess there are a lot of different kind of Pokemon out there, right, so maybe it's just another one. One I ain't never seen. There's probly a lot of stuff I ain't never seen. Like the inside of a bank vault. I always wondered if they're as cool as they look in all them movies. You know the kind I mean. The ones where the really good looking main guys steal all of the money with their sassy and buxom female leading lady chick? Why are them stealin' stuff movies so damn popular? They teachin' kids that stealin' is cool? That ain't right. Stealin' ain't right, Helper Elf. Remember that. That's important. Stealin' ain't right. An' neither is this grass. Why's it so fuckin' tall, anyway?" In 4 Foot Grass 2, heading toward the Gulley. |
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| Blake Kinlion | Sep 11 2010, 01:26 PM Post #2 | |||||||||||||||
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Same taste you love, 0% Trans fat!
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Tall grass is always good, if it's grass you can smoke. Eh? See what I did there? Kris Jeffers & Co. sleigh through the grass in hopes to find Slushy Island. If they go this direction long enough, eventually they would make it. For all intents and purposes, though, they are going the wrong way. But just then, they speed past a fly honey! She looks lost in the outfit she's wearing. Her warm beanie, scarf, and miniskirt would have placed her nicely in a winter-themed strip club, but instead she is tramping around through the tall grass looking worried. She has a little monster with her. It's blue and beaked, and keeps exclaiming "Piplup!" in a high pitched voice. Seeing the mall Santa on his sleigh, she raises her hand to get his attention. ![]() Not Dawn the resemblance is mere coincidence Seems lost ![]() Piplup Level 3 15/15
Edited by Blake Kinlion, Sep 11 2010, 01:28 PM.
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| Randrew | Sep 14 2010, 05:46 PM Post #3 | |||||||||||||||
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The Flabbergaster
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0.2 ![]() Nice video, dude! "Hmm," said Jingle. "What was that?" asked Jangle. "I said 'Hmm'," Jingle replied. "Ah yes. 'Hmm'," Jangle responded. "I am familiar with the term. For what reason did you 'Hmm', hmm?" "I only 'hmm'ed the one time." "What was that?" "'Hmm." I only said 'hmm'. I did not say 'hmm, hmm'." "Yes, well, true enough. The second 'hmm' was almost certainly added on my part." "It was." "Indeed so. I believe I was using it to ask you a question." "I'm so sorry. Were you? I'm afraid I've gotten us terribly off track. What was your question again?" "Why did you 'hmm'?" "With only the one 'hmm'?" "Quite right." "Now, why did you this time ask the question with a single 'hmm' when before you asked with two?" "It would be my guess that the second 'hmm' was there for flavor rather than serving any vital purpose in the question." "If it served no vital purpose, why include that 'hmm' at all?!" "The second 'hmm' was for flavor! It made the question more interesting! The 'hmm' was a way for my to infuse the sentence with my own personality and express my uniqueness as an individual!" "I see, but was it not I who 'hmm'ed first? Therefore, 'hmm' is what makes me unique and interesting and you are simply copying from me." "Not at all. My 'hmm' was used as a question where as I believe your 'hmm' was an expression of concern." "So you 'hmm' in curiosity and I 'hmm' in worry and that is part of what makes us unique." "Absolutely. If we did not differentiate ourselves in this way, we might as well be the same character having a dialogue with himself." "Hmm. Did you just break the fourth wall?" "Hmm? Did I? Oh dear, I do hope that it can be repaired." "Best to not draw any more attention to it, hmm?" "That's my 'hmm'. Your 'hmm' is the worry 'hmm'." "Hmm." "That's the ticket!" "This will take a bit of getting used to, I suppose." "Say, what was your original 'hmm' about?" "Hmm? Oh blast! There I go again!" "It really shouldn't be that difficult. There are plenty of other ways to ask questions. For example, if I didn't have the question 'hmm', I might use 'how's that?'." "How's that?" "Exactly." "Hmm. So why don't you use 'how's that?' and I use the more general 'hmm'?" "And let you monopolize 'hmm'?! I think not!" "My word! I just realized something!" "Hmm?" "What do we do if we want to hum?" "Hmm. I will have to think about that one." "That was my 'hmm'." "Hmm? Son of a monkey's uncle, you're right! Now I'm doing it!" "Perhaps it would be best if we just drop the whole issue." "No! This is important to me! And you still haven't told me why you 'hmm'ed in the first place!" "How's that?" "Good! Now why did you 'hmm'?" "Ah, well Kris hopped of the sleigh back there." "When?" "Back when we passed that atrociously dressed young lady." "The one who wore a hat and scarf even though it is warm out but wore a miniskirt in tall grass?" "The very same!" "The one with that poor misshapen child?" "Yes, that one! Shame about that child." "Indeed so. Why was that a cause for 'hmm'ing?" "Hmm?" "That's my 'hmm', damn it!" "Right! Right! So sorry!" "So why did you 'hmm'?!" "Force of habit, I suppose! Or maybe I just want to now that you did! It's quite catchy!" "No! Why did you 'hmm' the first time you 'hmm'ed?!" "I already told you that, didn't I?" "Yes, but why was that a reason to 'hmm' in the manner that we have now agreed is your way of 'hmm'ing?!" "Oh, well he forgot his pants, didn't he?" Jangle looked over his shoulder into the sleigh's seat. "I suppose we should go back to make sure he has these, hmm?" "Hmm. I suppose so, yes." |
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| Blake Kinlion | Sep 18 2010, 10:01 PM Post #4 | |||||||||||||||
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Same taste you love, 0% Trans fat!
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.3 I first read this after coming home late from a night out with friends. I ended up practically laughing myself to sleep over this.Dawn-not-dawn screams as Kris Jeffers, Mall Santa, advances on her wearing no pants. "Little peep! Water Gun attack!" she tells the poor misshapen child and it regurgitates wetness at Kris. Although drunken mall santa appears to be knocked back by the force of the jet, in reality, he slips on the slick grass made slick by wet. Dawn-not-dawn walks slowly up to her attacker and promptly sprays mace in his eyes. It hurts a real damn lot. She walks away at no particularly quick pace, past the sleigh. |
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| Randrew | Sep 20 2010, 07:53 PM Post #5 | |||||||||||||||
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The Flabbergaster
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0.1 (Sorry dude!)His eyes sting! Are you lis'nin'? He's in pain! Mace is glis'nin'! Kris ain't got no sight! He screams in his plight! Crossing the Lorenzo Wildlands! Gone away, Are those two bird! Blasting spray, Is some new bird! Kris tries to stay strong, With mud on his dong, Crossing the Lorenzo Wildands! Named for morning, she bows down to no man! Kris came at her, now he's on the groun'! Is she bad-ass woman or a woe-man? Kris just wants to help her get back to town! Later on, When they tire, They can fuck, By the fire. Kris thinks with this schlong, Hopes she'll come along, Crossing the Lorenzo Wildlands! Crossing! The Lorenzo! Wildlands, lands, lands, lands, Landslandslandslands! LAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNDS! |
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| Vulpix Windchimes | Sep 23 2010, 01:48 PM Post #6 | |||||||||||||||
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Rayquaza
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0.3 ![]() "Do you think we should help him?" The words came out in a lazy purr from their lounging source, the Meowth flicking her tail in the vague direction of the pantless Santa yowling in pain on the ground. Despite her words, she seemed very unwilling to move in the slightest from the top of the tall rock that allowed her to see over the grass. "What? Who? Where?" There was a faint thud-thud-thud of paws on the ground, before the face of a Poochyena appeared for a few seconds above the strands of grass, followed by another thump as she landed. "Oh that guy." She leaped up to see again. "Maybe after that girl's gone, huh? Don't like the looks 'o' that bird." "Fair enough," the cat mumbled slightly into her paws as she started to groom them. When the trainer and her pokemon were safetly out of sight and their footsteps fading into the distance, she finally moved. The cat pokemon slid down from her rock and wove smoothly through the grasses, effortlessly cross the distance between her former perch and the human she had taken pity on. She hopped up to stand daintily on the man's chest and peered down at his face, though how well Kris could see the feline with mace in his eyes was debatable. What would come through clearly was the smooth, feminine, downright sultry voice that flowed from her mouth in perfectly-pronounced english. "Well, what have we here? It looks like...you've gotten yourself in a spot of trouble, stranger. Anything I can do?" That was when the cat's sidekick prompty crashed through the grasses, letting out a string of loud, yipping barks and racing over to slobber all over the face of this new person in typical happy dog fashion. Until she tasted mace and scrambled backward to make loud retching noises over a patch of grass. At least she had the decency to throw up away from his face. A sign things were looking up? "Ignore her," the Meowth said, giving the dog a distasteful glance. "She's a stupid dog." --- Lvl 2 (Can talk...somehow, and has a sexy voice to boot) Lvl 2
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| Randrew | Sep 27 2010, 11:16 PM Post #7 | |||||||||||||||
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The Flabbergaster
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0.3 . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "I'm not fucking drunk enough for this shit," Kris belched and then he rolled over and fell asleep, spitting up slightly onto his beard. Edited by Randrew, Sep 27 2010, 11:17 PM.
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| Blake Kinlion | Sep 28 2010, 02:41 PM Post #8 | |||||||||||||||
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Same taste you love, 0% Trans fat!
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.2 ![]() Here santa, er, kris, have a gun. ![]() I was too lazy to make the sprite invisblackround |
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| Randrew | Nov 17 2010, 07:43 PM Post #9 | |||||||||||||||
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The Flabbergaster
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0.1 Deck the halls with fuckin' bullets! BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM! BLAMBLAM! FUCK YEAH! Shave your head or grow some mullets! BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM! BLAMBLAM! FUCK YEAH! Jingle and Jangle arrived just in time to save the pantsless Kris from the prairie burn he'd just started. The pseudo-pSanta threw bottles of Everclear at the flames, trying to make an explosion, while firing wildly in the air. He was really having fun now! But then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw dear Helper Elf staring up at him, her own eyes welling with fear and desperation. So he handed her the gun and fell asleep weeping. Helper Elf, not knowing what else to do, began using birds as target practice. |
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| Curtis | Nov 25 2010, 12:14 PM Post #10 | |||||||||||||||
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Articuno
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.2 (Sorry if this sucks, but I figure'd I'd write my own Christmas Song as a Mod) Oh Santa Claus, Oh Santa Claus Why are you so crazy? Oh Santa Claus, Oh Santa Claus Why are you so crazy? Not only drunk and lying here You should be up, leaving the scene Oh Santa Claus, Oh Santa Claus Why are you so crazy? Oh Santa Claus, Oh Santa Claus You totally would've fucked that chick... Yeah right! Don't kid yourself! She wasn't into you anyway Oh Santa Claus, Oh Santa Claus You really wanted to fuck that chick Oh Santa Claus, Oh Santa Claus You should get out of here Oh Santa Claus, Oh Santa Claus You should get out of here The cops are coming to find you, Man! Shit, that slut called the pigs Oh Santa Claus, Oh Santa Claus Why are you so crazy? Oh Santa Claus, Oh Santa Claus They'll lock you up, 3 to 10 Oh Santa Claus, Oh Santa Claus They'll lock you up, 3 to 10 Better run, they got the dogs The gunshots made it worse..... Oh Santa Claus, Oh Santa Claus They'll lock you up longer now ---------- Sirens could be heard in the area around you, the police were searching for a Santa look-alike without his pants. He'd been the offender of a sexual assualt... and they were taking this case serious. Even more now when they show up to investigate and gunshots could be heard. Now Kris really pissed the cops off. They brought in their Growlithe to sniff you out. Better high tail it out of here before they try and arrest you! Edited by Curtis, Nov 25 2010, 12:20 PM.
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CURTIS MICHAELS | ||||||||||||||||
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| Randrew | Dec 3 2010, 08:40 PM Post #11 | |||||||||||||||
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The Flabbergaster
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0.3 20:28 RandrewOkay. 20:28 RandrewIf you were a gun toting, pantsless, alcoholic mall Santa, drunk, in the middle of a field, being pursued by the police, what would YOU do? 20:28 KariWait. 20:29 KariWhy would a gun toting, pantless, alcoholic mall Santa be in the middle of a random field? 20:29 RandrewBecause a cute young lady was in the field. 20:29 RandrewBut she is not anymore. 20:29 *** Fordy quit (Quit: http://www.mibbit.com ajax IRC Client) 20:29 KariFordy disapproves. 20:30 RandrewSo Fordy would quit and you would wait? 20:30 RandrewHmm... 20:30 KariFordy probably would quit, lol. 20:30 RandrewAnybody else want to weigh in? 20:30 RandrewRicardo? 20:30 RandrewBlakey? 20:30 RandrewAdobewedge? 20:30 RandrewAir? 20:30 RandrewEevee? 20:31 RandrewJance? 20:31 AdobewedgeYes? 20:31 AdobewedgeWait whats up? 20:31 RicardoNot particularly. 20:31 RandrewIf you were a gun toting, pantsless, alcoholic mall Santa, drunk, in the middle of a field, being pursued by the police, what would YOU do? 20:32 AdobewedgeUhhh... start singing something while running hilariously? 20:33 RandrewCool. Cool. Anybody else? 20:33 RandrewI'll give you a couple more minutes to think about it. 20:35 *** Castor joined #thelegacy 20:36 AirYeah? 20:36 AirHey Castor. 20:36 AirI will give them all a present. 20:36 AirSome drugs or drinks. 20:36 CastorAww, you guys finally had to move away from EZ Chat? 20:36 AirThen say Merry Chritmas and go. 20:36 AirYup D: 20:36 AirBut here's great too (: 20:36 CastorLame sauce. : / 20:36 KariOkay. 20:36 Castor...Basic black is best color. ;D Yeah. So Kris does those things, then. He waits, quits, sings, runs hilariously, gives them presents of some drugs or drinks, and then says Merry Christmas before escaping on his sleigh, provided that it's shown up in time. Yup. |
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| Packerdan | Dec 7 2010, 10:27 PM Post #12 | |||||||||||||||
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Herp and also Derp
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1.0 Uh oh, looks like someone doesn't know the true meaning of Christmas! ![]() Level 50 Dressed as the Grinch About to rape the Christmas Spirit out of Kris |
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Justice...Like Lightning! APL 5 MPL 1 LP 30 I have often dreamed | ||||||||||||||||
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| Randrew | Dec 7 2010, 11:05 PM Post #13 | |||||||||||||||
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The Flabbergaster
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0.5 You're a mean one, Mr. Grinchneticore! Your mom's a raging whore! You've got turnip greens in all your socks, No one likes the way you dance! Mr. Grinchneticore! I wouldn't fight you with a Christmas-themed team of Pokemon and an APL of 2! WITH ARSENIC SAAAAAAAAAAAAAUCE! He's climbing through your tall grass, He's snatchin' your Santas up! Tryin' to rape 'em, So y'all need to Hide your Delibirds, Hide your Stantlers, Hide your Delibirds, Hide your Stantlers, And hide your Smoochum, 'Cause he's rapin' everybody out here! Don't break my heart! My achy, breaky heart! I don't remember this here line! For if you break my heart! My achy, breaky hea-a-art! It might blow up and kill this man! Wooooooo! Freude, schöner Götterfunken Tochter aus Elysium, Wir betreten feuertrunken, Himmlische, dein Heiligtum! Deine Zauber binden wieder Was die Mode streng geteilt; Alle Menschen werden Brüder, Wo dein sanfter Flügel weilt. 8-6-7-5-3-0-9! ^ ^ v v < > < > B A Sometimes, when we touch! The honesty's too much! And I have to close my eyes, A-a-a-a-and cry! Hypothetically speaking, you could keep these cows as housepets. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I wouldn't. That would be confusing for way too many people. Sometimes, it's not worth revising tradition. Other times, pennies and nickels cost Americans a lot of money. Sunday, Monday, Happy Days! Tuesday, Wednesday, Happy Days! Thursday, Friday, Happy Days! Saturday! What a day! Seriously, if you're reading this, please don't let that thing rape my character. That would be awful. Rockin' around the Christmas tree, At the Christmas Party Hop! I never learned the words to this, But I figure no one cares! Rockin' around the Christmas tree, I don't know this part either! Dum-ba-dum-dum-dum, Frah-da-loo! In the good old-fashioned way! In the GOOD! OLD! FA! SHIONED! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAYuh! |
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| Blake Kinlion | Dec 8 2010, 01:16 PM Post #14 | |||||||||||||||
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Same taste you love, 0% Trans fat!
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.8 <- LegitKris Jeffers' drunken singing voice made the random Geneticore scream in discomfort! Because little did anybody know, a Geneticore's true weakness is song. Who'da thunk, rite? (Actually, it isn't, except for this one case) It held its claw and tentacles up to its...face...of sorts...and covered what must've been its ears. Hard to tell since its a freakish abomination of failed science damned to roam this world as a monster. This split second interference gave Helper Elf the instant it needed to aim the gun at Geneticore and fire rapidly. BLATBLATBLATBLATBLATBLATBLATBLAT!!!! With an ear-splitting scream, the Geneticore fell to the ground, now a bloody pile of pulp and abomination-guts. Gun, Kills Geneticore Dead. Helper Elf gains 25.0 !EDIT!!!: Kris Jeffers collapses once again to the ground. The earth turns and through the magic of Christmas, the ground passes underneath the mall santa. FINALLY REACHED GULLY!!! Edited by Blake Kinlion, Dec 8 2010, 01:19 PM.
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| Blake Kinlion | Dec 9 2010, 06:08 PM Post #15 | |||||||||||||||
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Same taste you love, 0% Trans fat!
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PS I totally got to see this live when I saw them the weekend before T-giving. |
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| Randrew | Jan 3 2011, 09:27 AM Post #16 | |||||||||||||||
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The Flabbergaster
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0.3 All of Giftmas 2010 is my current post. In the Gully, headed toward 4 Foot Grass 2. |
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| Air Sylph | Jan 28 2011, 10:15 AM Post #17 | |||||||||||||||
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Better.
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I don't know what this thread is all about but because I'm a bit high and I don't even know what I'm doing but I'm trying to type as coherently as I can but my tongue feels a bit numb hahahaha you totally reach the four foot grass two place hahahah. like what???? why are there two numbers in the mix? ahahahah omg this is so strange. YAY gO SANTA |
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| Randrew | Jan 28 2011, 07:43 PM Post #18 | |||||||||||||||
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The Flabbergaster
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0.F "Okay, fellas!" Kris yelled at his Stantlers over his Long Island ice tea. "We need to get away from this Gully as fast as possible! Do you remember what happened when we went there? I had to be real Santa! It was great for the first few days that were just the same night, but I was at that for a long time! Much longer than that! And everybody wanted eggs! Like it was Easter! And I'm tired! And I'm so drunk! And I just want a sandwich! So let's go get a sandwich and get away from Santa Gully and get a sandwich and maybe some bed! And some fuckin' whore! We need some fuckin' whore. We need some fuckin' whore! Let's get some fuckin' sandwich whores! Fuck! Yeah!" In 4 Foot Grass 2, headed toward the Gully. "Fuckin' fuck fuck-fuck-fuck FUCK fuck-fuck fuckity fuck-o McFuckdogs with a side of fuck! Monday, Tuesday, FUCKFUCKFUUUUUUCK! YEAH! FUCK! PAINT A FUCKIN' HAPPY TREE!" |
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| Kirin | Feb 4 2011, 04:51 AM Post #19 | |||||||||||||||
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Kirin the Bloodedge
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0.2 ![]() The magic of being the greatest (mall) Santa to have ever lived in pretty much all of forever says one thing: you can do more or less whatever the hell you want. This means that, because of your total inability to realse that the way you were travelling was in fact backwards, you thought you were going towards the cool place which was over there instead of the gully which was there. Thank you, inebriation! You help so so much with this shit. And since you're so drunk you aren't even going to notice that you're now in the Gully. For shits and giggles, by the way, there's a little Spearow riding on your shoulder. It's, like, no bigger than your hand (it's a midget baby Spearow, okay) and it seems to think that you're pretty much the coolest thing ever on your Stantler sleigh deal. What will you do about this cretinous creature?! Reached: Gully ![]() 1 3/3On your shoulder |
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| Randrew | Dec 9 2011, 11:52 AM Post #20 | |||||||||||||||
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The Flabbergaster
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2 LP "Bird!" Kris said to the bird. "You have lice, bird! I'm-a eatchu and win the Game!" At this point, the author realized that he lost the Game. This was sort of disappointing to him, since he hadn't thought of it in many months. Oh well. How y'all doin'? the author typed. I'm just peachy. I've been gone for a while, but I'm back now. Kind of. Maybe. Did you know I first joined this site nearly eight years ago? Woof. That's a long time. Anywho, back to Kris. Kris is going to try and initiate a grapple. Since the Spearow is currently flat-footed, I'm guessing that I get a surprise combat round. You can tell me if that's right or not. I rolled 17 for my Initiative for future combat rounds and 15 on my to-hit to initiate a grapple. Is that touch armor class? That would make sense to me. I'm hoping so. Oh, and I rolled a 3 on the grapple check itself, so do with that what you will. This is D&D, right? ![]() 3/3 HP ![]() In the Gully Edited by Randrew, Dec 9 2011, 11:52 AM.
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6:41 PM Jul 10
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6:41 PM Jul 10