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Acceptance; A Maikeru Freeform
Topic Started: Jul 25 2010, 10:40 AM (359 Views)
Air Sylph
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I'm back but not necessarily better! Hopefully this will be a good read. If you do actually read it, thank you for your interest and if you do have any critiques, please PM me, or if you're the Smod, well, I'll leave you to your job! Thanks.

Summary


Personal Goals


Hoping for
Edited by Air Sylph, Jul 31 2010, 01:09 PM.
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Layla - 52.2 | playground
Maikeru - 46 | I'm nowhere
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1

I enter the interview room alone.

If I dont get the scholarship, I might as well take the pen in my pocket and stab it right through my chest assuming that I can get that far that is. I have nothing, nothing except for Alicia and thats why this interview means everything for me. The receptionist outside told me I was the last one to get interviewed. This is good. This means Ill leave a lasting impression. This means they will remember me. I breathe and tell myself that over and over again, hoping that my heart will stop leaping in my ribcage.

The three interviewers dont even look up when I take my seat. I barely can read the tiny cards that lay in front of them. The only one that I can possibly guess at is the female in the middle: Professor Willow. Now thats the name Ive been waiting to see. The interviewers dark hair falls across her forehead as she leans forwards and looks at me through tired eyes. The two males at her sides just stare at their papers, presumably the information I sent in. She licks her lips and say, Weve seen thousands of people this week. Lets just cut to the chase, fuck the easy questions, yeah? I look at her. I didnt expect an opening like that.

I prefer if youll ask me everything. I will like to be treated on an equal footing with the other applicants. If you had cut to the chase with the others, well, its fine for me. As long as Ive an equal chance.

One of the men nods impatiently. Dont worry about it. We all know what youre going to say anyway to the standard questions. Youve practically answered all of them in your papers.

I grit my teeth. Dont assume to know who I am. The man lifts up his head and looks at me, lips compressed tightly.

Professor Willow clears her tired throat, takes a sip of water and says, Well know you soon enough. Your test results are impressive; though you lack knowledge on battling, that isnt a problem with some practice. You are a very clever boy... Her eyes linger on the question paper. The other man taps on a line on that paper and she nods. Her eyes pierces through me and she asks, What is your biggest regret in life, boy? My fingers automatically tightened on my lap at that moment but it isnt as if I didnt know the answer to that.

My biggest regret in life is that I didnt dare to kiss him in the end.

---

My mother held my hand and pulled me along the corridor. Our steps echoed. The ceiling hung above us, ages away. I liked looking at how the different paintings on the ceiling rush past every day when she pulled me across. Today though was different. When we reached the heavy wooden doors that led us to the Room of Worship, she let go of my hand and came to my side. My hand was wet with her sweat and it hurt because she gripped it too tightly. I rubbed it with my other hand as she adjusted my hair for me. Her eyes were shining with worry and her voice was wracked with her nerves as she muttered, This is it, Maikeru. Your first Acceptance. May Gwendoline take you in Her arms, my son.

My heart began to thump harder than ever. I knew this was important. Mother had been talking about this since forever. She wanted me to get through this; but she never ever went into specifics on what happened during these Acceptances that she went through. She pushed the left massive door. It creaked. And at that moment, when the light flooded through that door, all I could feel was my heart bursting.

Hello there, my son. A clear voice rang like a bell, sonorous in the large white room. It was late at night, but it looked like day in here. The female Paragon stood opposite, her eyes shining blue, her left hand holding her staff. She was radiating a sense of calmness. A Slowking stood beside her, his intelligent eyes judging. A line of people stood in front of her and unsure if she was speaking to me, I looked away, stumbling as my mother pushed me to the back of the line. The Paragons voice though was sonorous like a needle dropped in complete silence. I could hear her right from the back.

I am Paragon Anima. Come here, Maikeru. Gwendolines Words have decreed that youll take the Test of Acceptance first, in front of all these people. She has Said it so.

Everyone stared at me and I didnt know what to do. Was this normal? How did she know my name? I turned to my mother and she nodded, smiling. There was a glow to her face that hadnt been there for a long time. It was then I knew the right thing to do was to walk forwards to the Paragon and let her test me. The line moved to the side and I walked amongst all the murmurs. I clenched my fists as I tried to ignore the words that were whispered. I cant remember what they said now, but I know it made me feel uncomfortable.

Silence. The Paragon waved her staff in the air. The muttering did not fade it stopped abruptly. The blinding light that shone down on the Paragon now enveloped me as well. They all burned away into nothingness and we were the only two left in the world. She faced down at me and I never felt smaller in my life. Her eyes blazed through me; they saw my soul. Her voice seemed to take on a darker tone as she questioned me, Are you worthy of Acceptance?

I squinted to seek out my mother, for her advice. What would she have wanted me to do? The Paragon grabbed my shoulder: This must be your answer. Not anyone elses. I trembled underneath her gaze, her hand like a vise on my shoulder. It hurt. I knew what answer she wanted straight away. I nodded, eyes now wet I wasnt sure if it was because of the glare or because I knew that wasnt the answer I wanted to give. The towering figure gave a firm nod. The Slowking yawned and a bubble formed from his mouth. As it moved closer, I tried to squirm away. I didnt want to touch that disgusting thing. The saliva of a Slowking... But her hand was never going to let go.

Be brave.

The Paragon must have said it but in my mind, I thought it was my mother. I lifted a hand and squashed it mid-air. When that happened, the light suddenly dimmed down and the Paragon turned from a blazing angel to a kind matron. She grinned and hugged me, Praise Gwendoline! She has Blessed you with her mark! When I stared back at her blankly, she twisted my elbow and in the most uncomfortable and awkward angle that could possibly exist, I saw a little black circle where the bubble hit me.


My mothers fingers rubbed the Mark and she smiled at me. It had been a while since she looked so happy. Even in church, she often closed her eyes, clasped her fingers and whispered with her brow so wrinkled it looked like used tissue. She pulled up her left sleeve and showed me her mark. It was a wavy circle that wasnt as perfect as mine. Her voice was quiet as she held my head close to her chest, Im very proud of you, Maikeru. You have been Accepted the first time. May Gwendoline continue to bless you with her Words. I grinned.

Mama, is it a good thing, getting Accepted?

She nodded, her chin knocking into my forehead. I then whispered, I must definitely tell Senz then.

When that came out, I knew it was a big mistake. Didn't I tell you to stay away from him? Mother pushed me away from her and scowled, her pretty face becoming twisted again. The fragile connection that we had been building had snapped, just like that. I bit my lip. She stood up and started to clear the table of food, the plates and cups all crashing together in a cacophony of noise. Mama, I'm sorry! I gnashed my teeth together desperately. She pretended not to hear, moving even though I hugged her leg tightly in apology.

He's a Legacite! Don't you understand? She doesn't approve of them. Her Words have decreed it so. She shook her leg violently. Reflect. Tossing her black hair to the side, she turned to start on the dishes in the kitchen. I lay there on the floor, face sticky with tears, to reflect on her words. But no matter how much I thought about it, I didn't know what was wrong with Senz.

---

I still remember that day when people appeared in clumps, scattered all over Opaddeka. It was about six months before my first Acceptance. Senz had been one of them. He had been stumbling along for quite a while, lips blue, hands unfeeling, in the Frosted Forest. I immediately wrapped my warm fur coat around him, gave him my warm mittens and led him back to our village. On retrospect, I shouldve brought him to Slumber City where they had better doctors, but in my panic, I didnt think of it. His frigid hand could be felt through the mitten as I pulled him across the forest. It was a miracle that he lasted so long. Or maybe he had always been that strong. I wouldnt know.

He had fallen unconscious at my house. My mother called for the village healer to help, but when he could do nothing, I had to rely on the only thing I knew: belief. My grandmother had taught me long ago little rituals I could do to realize my will. They were subtle things, but I believed in them with all my heart. Every time I made little rings of candles, every time I whispered the powerful words that I made up by myself, my mother would scoff. What she didnt know was that they always helped her when she was ill.

When Senz finally woke up, I was by his side, snoozing away. I still can feel his hand patting my head as I woke up. I still can hear his words Thank you. in my head until now. My mother rejoiced and let him stay with us until he managed to find his family who decided to settle down in our village as well. His parents were both doctors, a profession that our village had sorely been lacking; they were welcomed almost immediately to our village. It also helped that Senz was a charming boy. He always talked of his old home, a city called Bailene, and always talked about how he was going to find it again one day. And his jokes... I smile now just thinking about them. Everyone enjoyed his company. My mother loved it when he visited, always complimenting her on her cooking, or her outfit. I always mock-gagged when he did it.

(Of course, all this happened before my mother become a Gwendol, before she pushed everyone away in search of the next Paradise.)

In a week, it was discovered that all these mysterious people came from another dimension called Legacy. Somewhere along the line, people started calling them Legacites. They were not vastly different from us, but there were rumours of meeting your Opposite as they are called in the rumours. That there was a Legacite that is the direct counterpart to an Oppadekean. That they were an alternate version, a shadow or just a warped version of who you were. These rumours did nothing to scare me but my mother... my poor mother something happened to make her scared, scared enough to believe Gwendolinity.

The Gwendols started to believe that these Legacites are here to fight against Oppadekeans for Paradise. Since Oppadeka is the First Paradise according to the Gwendle, the Holy Story where Gwendolinity is based off, their sudden appearance is a challenge against our deserved right to the Second Paradise. They believed that only one version of each soul can go on to the Second Paradise. That was when my mother forbid me to meet Senz ever again.

He might be your Opposite.

Her eyes were wide open when she said it. I could see the whites of her eyes and wondered what in the world had made her so afraid. She explained to me calmly to all my questions. Opposites want your place in the Second Paradise; its not safe being so close to your Opposite; Gwendolines Words have decreed it so... So on and so forth, until I said, I dont mind if Senz goes to the Second Paradise instead of me; he did lose his home and Ive always got mine...

She slapped me; and almost immediately, she pulled me into a deep embrace. I didnt know whether to laugh or cry. Her whimpers were loud and indecipherable. Poor boy, you dont understand. You have to get to the Second Paradise. You cant give up your place to someone just because they... She broke off again, sobbing.

Its their ploy, Maikeru! Youre too kind, too innocent, that you cant tell. But dont worry, Mamas here to protect you. Im here to make sure youll get to the Second Paradise.

Her arms wrapped around me chokingly and I didnt know what to do but lie in that embrace as if I was dead.
Edited by Air Sylph, Aug 1 2010, 01:20 AM.
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Senz, my mother scolded me again because I still talk to you, I said matter-of-factly. He was walking along the edge of the Frosted Forest and if he wasnt careful, hed fall down a cliff into the ocean. But still, it was the best place to talk. He shrugged and said, But youre not going to care about that, arent you? Were still friends. I nodded. He grinned all of a sudden and plopped himself beside me. Our legs hung precariously in the cold air over the edge.

If you dont speak to me, Ill tell everyone your little secret.

I blushed. Without making eye-contact I told him, Whore you going to tell? It wont make a difference anyway. Secretly, my heart was hammering. If he ever dared to tell anyone... He giggled and said, Dont worry Maikeru, Ill never betray you. I gave him a small push, careful because I was afraid I might push him down the cliff, and said, You better not. Or youll really get it from me. He got up and walked towards the trees, whistling. I turned and followed, unsure of what he was doing.

You really do like him, dont you? His words sounded strained in the wintery air.

Im not sure. My voice too sounded reedy.

I dont know but... my parents think its wrong in general. Youre my friend though so... Well... If you like guys... He hesitated, twiddling his thumbs as he walked around aimlessly. I thought I knew what he was trying to say and taking a deep breath to keep calm, I said, Dont you dare get cocky, Senz. Just because I like Samaru, doesnt mean Ill ever like you. I took measured breaths as I kicked wet snow up from the forest floor. His hand came down onto my shoulder.

Nah, I wasnt thinking about that. Its just that I dont know how Im supposed to feel about it. Were friends and I know that. I wont just presume something like that!

Thank you. And well, Senz, you might think its wrong, whatever, but keep it to yourself. I only shared it with you. If my mother ever found out...

Youll be dead. I know. Its just hard for me to imagine. A wistful look came across his face. His dark eyes gleamed with nostalgia. I had someone before all this, you know? Her name was Mae. And she was the most beautiful thing in the world. He paused. I mean, she is. She is perfect.

I smiled at his words. He really did seem to like her. And is it so hard to imagine that I think Samaru is perfect, in his own way, just for me?

He grinned his silly grin and squinted at the frosty sun. Not really. But well, my parents... I dont know what to think.

I sighed. Senz? My mother thinks your entire existence is wrong. I dont. Is it that hard for you to have a separate opinion from your parents?

He stayed silent, eyes still focused on the frosty sun. My heart sank to the bottom of my stomach.


Samaru stood there, looking at the ceiling. His eyes grew into slits as he tried to read the tiny words painted up there; and I watched. He was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. He had a lanky yet toned body and fair skin that was dotted with little moles. I liked those little moles (sometimes I even imagine kissing every single one how embarassing) and the birthmark that splashed above his left elbow... It intrigued me. It was like a dark secret waiting to be revealed. There was a clear oval shape in the middle of it though probably a Mark of Acceptance.

It was how he stood though. It looked like he was going to take off and fly into the air. I squirmed in my seat, trying my best not to be too obvious about it. It was true that I felt guilty about this. My mother could tell something was on my mind but I never gave her a straight answer. She put her hand on mine and whispered to me, Are you okay? Is it because of Senz? She had apologised for pushing me away when I talked about Senz; but could I listen to her for once? That was a month ago though. Maybe she still felt guilty about forbidding me from seeing Senz though of course I still did secretly see him.

Its for your own good, not seeing him. Hes not only a Legacite, but a bad influence. Her arm slid around my shoulder, trying to reassure me, but I just smiled and said, Its not always about Senz, you know. I felt better though; she still cared.

She sighed.


After prayers and hymns, Paragon Anima came up to me, her staff jingling noisily with all the added charms that denoted her rise in rank. My mother discreetly disappeared before I could hold onto her for support. My mother had told me that she was advised not to interfere with my relationship with Paragon Anima because she had taken a special interest in me. Hello there, my son. Her kind eyes appraised me as I gave a polite smile back.

Ive been noticing that youve been... rather preoccupied lately. Just know that you can tell me anything.

Thank you for your kind offer, Paragon Anima, but to be honest, Im not comfortable in sharing my problems with you. I bit my lip in fear that it was too blunt.

Thats no problem. Just know that we do have confession booths. If you feel guilty or have any burdens, feel free to share in a booth. Its strictly confidential, so you dont have to worry. She pointed her staff towards a line of black boxes. I nodded my thanks. Walking past them though on the way out, I could feel a dark deep emptiness to each one of them. My mother engaged my arm as we met on the way out and she whispered loudly, So, what did the Paragon have to say to you?

Mama, she was just wondering why Ive been so preoccupied.

My mother nodded knowingly.

Mama. You did have something to do with it, didnt you?

She clasped her hands into the action of a prayer. I have no idea what youre talking about.

Mother, I growled.

She said nothing and walked at a faster speed. Nothing would change her at this point of time so I followed behind, feet heavy. Before all this Gwendolinity, I had used to waddle behind my mother in comforting silence. We had been such a pair, inseparable ever since my father left us. But once she became a Gwendol, the quiet understanding between us had become nothing but awkwardness. All I could hear now were our footsteps against the rough gravel.

And then her solemn voice: I think you should take Paragon Animas advice. Do what she wants you to do.

Why?

Your next Acceptance is in two days. And she... and you would want to be Accepted, dont you?

Something akin to anger burned within my chest now. Everything, everything had to do with the Acceptance. You dont really care about me, right? Everything has to do with the Acceptances. How she asked me whether it was about Senz, how she snaked her arm around me... It was all fake. Yet again. She just stopped and sighed. I know whats best for you, Maikeru. And being Accepted will make you happy, Im sure of it.

I stopped walking as well. Standing behind her, I couldnt see her face, but I knew somehow that if I didnt go to the Confessionals right then, my mother wouldve broke. Her shoulders were already trembling in the cold and I was afraid she was crying. All right Mother. Ill do whatever, I whispered and if she had turned around, I didnt know because I quickly left to do what had to be done.


Sit down, pious Gwendol.

I sat down.

Share with me your woe. Im your Paragon, here to dispel your guilt.

I paused and looked at the sliding veil. I could barely see her face but she was there. I wasnt sure if I should really talk but something told me if I didnt talk about what was troubling me, my mother would know and would be upset when I didnt get Accepted. I swallowed hard and started.

Ive been feeling some sort of attraction towards a boy and its troubling me.

I was greeted by silence. The Paragon shifted a little and said, Pardon me?

I stuttered a little more this time. I think I might like one boy. Just one. Not any more.

Its a phase. Its passing. Im sure you can just let it go, cant you?

But hes... hes so beautiful.

A sudden blue glow and I thought I saw a Slowking.

He isnt. I know who youre thinking about Samaru, am I right? Well, girls are beautiful too. Gwendoline have often praised the beauty of the femininity, and disapproved of the stink of man. Its to be praised that you are more feminine than the average man, but you are still a man and therefore still supposed to appreciate the beauty in a womans curves.

How did she guess his name? Stupid Slowking. Girls are fine, I guess

Thats a good start. Think about that.


It had been completely useless in terms of how I feel but if it had secured me my next Acceptance, then it was worth it. I was here now, my mother was holding my hand again, but this time it was my sweat that made her hand wet. This time, I was the one leading her towards the door. Her voice was quiet but in the large corridor, it overwhelmed me, her words underlined by our steps: If you confessed, we should be fine. My mother had already finshed her third Acceptance and I had a feeling my Acceptances had a part to play in hers.

I would not disappoint her.

The doors opened; and this one was totally different. First Acceptances were just masses of people all trying out for the first time. After that, each Acceptance took place individually, with spectators that had something invested in you, or were just interested. I didnt expect to see so many people there to watch my Acceptance. Again, I walked between them. Their voices murmurred yet again; but this time, they spoke loud enough for me to hear, as if challenging me.

As if hoping Id get rejected.

I heard he likes Samaru. Samarus so creeped out now, I cant believe... How can he like another guy, that is so... Strange I know. I really cant accept this; wonder how this Acceptance is going to go...

And it went on and on, the droning that was unclear enough to show respect for the Paragon, but still loud enough for me to know what was going on. Tears threatened to appear at the edges of my eyes but I held it in with fury. Who leaked this out? Who knew? I shouldnt have confessed; and now everyone knew. The wave of hate seemed to grow higher and higher. I got up on the stage and the Paragon stared at me hard. I looked at her. I felt betrayed. But instead of backing down, I faced all of them.

And in the corner, I saw my mother, hands clasped together tightly, eyes closed. The rivulets of tears from under her them could barely be seen. At that moment, even though people were speaking louder and louder, I saw her lips, I could hear her voice: Oh Gwendoline, please forgive Maikeru for his sins. He knows nothing. I too know hes wrong but give me time. I will change him for the better. And her rambling continued. Her words hit me the most.

I could feel my eyes fill up but before I had the chance to say anything, the Paragon raised her staff.

Silence! and she brought the staff down, hard onto the ground. The room went quiet immediately. She turned to me and held me by the shoulders, the staff knocking into me hard. Her eyes were the same burning blue ones. I felt breathless. What was I supposed to say to her? That I was angry? That hint of anger was now washed away by fear. Paragon Anima clearly wanted me to say something at that moment. I swallowed and said, Im... Im sorry. And immediately after I said that, I bit my bottom lip it was a lie. And Gwendoline didnt take well to lies. Paragon Anima, though, nodded.

It is not to us that you apologise. Gwendoline Accepts when you are honest, when you are willing to bare your imperfect soul to Gwendoline in search of Acceptance. Have confidence. We will guide you to the right path. How do you feel?

I didnt know whether to go with a lie yet again. I tried the truth this time. Afraid.

Afraid, my child? You shouldnt be! She slammed the staff again on the ground. Ive told the other Paragons of your... problem. We all agree that you are a brave individual, brave enough to face everyone here. And you will prove us right! She lifted both her arms into the air. Gasps filled the audience. The Slowkings eyes glowed blue behind her. The staff began to vibrate. Her fingers grew tighter around it and she started to hum. The audience hummed along and not knowing what to do, I hummed as well, fingers tight on my jeans.

A Pokmon egg appeared, floating in the air. She cupped her palms below it and the egg gently landed. The Paragon smiled and said, Dont be afraid. Be brave, young one. Youve potential. Take this egg and once you finally learned what Gwendoline is trying to teach you, a holy-white Pokmon will hatch. It will be the sign of you being ready to be a Paragon.

More gasps. My mothers eyes were round in shock. Even I took a step back. Paragons were female. Gwendoline only accepted the feminine as her Paragons. The egg though beamed with a kind of light that I could never describe. I slowly reached out one hand, then the other. She placed the egg in my hands.

You have passed your second Acceptance. The Mark lies in your hands. I looked at my hands and there it was: two fat crescents, mirroring each other on each palm. She continued, For your third, show us proof, young one, of your repentance. Show us all that you are willing to change and with all the help of great Gwendoline above, you can. Prove all these doubters wrong.

There was a strange kind of guilt that permeated throughout the crowd at the Paragons words. I hugged the egg to my chest and bowed, my heart somehow beating with some kind of hope that maybe I could change. That my feelings for Samaru were all just an anomaly. I whispered, Thank you. From the corner of my eye, I saw my mother, praying to herself again, cheeks stained with tears and a hint of smile at the edge of her lips. If I did become the first male Paragon, Id have finally made her proud. The egg in my arms seemed to pulse along with my heart.

The crowd slowly thinned away after the Paragon left. My mother walked up to me, but I didnt want to go home just yet; something in my head nagged at me but I didnt know what it was. I told her, I need some time alone. Some things to think about. She nodded. Dont worry, Maikeru. The Paragons have confidence in your potential and I too have confidence. You will change for the better. I smiled uneasily at her.

When she left, I heaved a breath. That whole session was heavy, heavier than whatever happened in my first Acceptance. My mother though never let me play with Pokmon before; but this would change everything. The egg seemed so pretty under the light and I placed it beside me, hugging it close. The room was empty now apart from a girl. She pulled her raven hair backwards and walked towards me. Not wanting the same kind of treatment the crowd gave me earlier, I asked her brusquely, What do you want?

She chewed on her bottom lip. My name is Chiamaka. I just wanted to tell you that I dont agree with all the bullshit everyone gave you earlier.

I was a little taken aback, once again. Well, thank you. I thought the whole crowd was pretty mean. You just made me feel a little better. Thanks.

She smiled. Yeah, they were pretty mean. But I didnt mean just them. I know Im a Gwendol but I dont agree with all that shit with your problem.

What do you mean?

I dont even think youve a problem in the first place. The only problem you have is bad taste. Samaru? For Gods sakes! She rolled her eyes. I gave a tentative laugh.

You mean it?

Of course! I accept you for whoever you are. The only thing I agreed with the Paragon earlier was the mention of your bravery. You were daring enough to stand up in front of an abusive audience like that. I wouldve ran out of the room.

I struck out a hand. Friends?

Friends. When she enthusiastically slapped her hand with mine, something inside of me exploded. It was relief.

And when I started to cry, she held me and didn't say a word.
Edited by Air Sylph, Jul 31 2010, 08:33 PM.
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Senz was behind me when he asked, Do you think were drifting apart? I stared at the Marks of Acceptance I had on my palms. The crescents seem to waver. I closed my hands into tight fists and turned to him. I looked him straight in the eye and said, What do you think? It had been quite a while since we talked. He took a step forwards and held my shoulders in his hands. Enunciating every single word slowly, he growled, We are. I bit my lip. He continued in a lighter tone, Maikeru, youre leaving me behind. Again. I had to dig out the Samaru thing from you; but if we are best friends, dont you think you should tell me what is happening?

You wouldnt understand Senz, its about my religion

Its because of Chiamaka, isnt it?

It was not surprising that we reached this topic though. I had been talking to Chiamaka a lot but it was because she was a Gwendol as well. She understood the pressures of being one. Her words still rang clearly in my mind: Ill accept you for whatever you are. Even if you think you should change for Gwendoline. Ill support you. This compared to what Senz had told me before his inability to free his opinions from his parents and accept me for who I was made it hard for me to talk to him about this problem.

More importantly, I needed to get Accepted the third time.

Its because shes a Gwendol. She understands what Ive to go through while you...

And what makes you think I cant understand?

His hands felt heavy on my shoulders. They gripped me a touch harder. I pushed him away and turned. I couldnt face him. You... youve said it before. I dont want you to feel uncomfortable when I talk about how I feel for Samaru. Im trying to change, okay, Senz?

What are you trying to change for?

Im trying hard, very hard. Chiamaka accepts me for whatever I am. Shes a great person but thats not enough for me. I need to be Accepted by Gwendoline. I want my mother to stop worrying for me. I swallowed. And once I change, I can face you again Senz and not see you struggling to take me as a friend.

You stupid fucktard. He held me from the back. I could feel his breath against my neck. This was not good. It might have made me feel a little too much than I shouldve. And despite all this logic in my head, I had to admit that I liked it. Senz though was a friend and one that liked girls. Besides, I had my hands filled with Samaru already. Why was I creating more problems for myself? Did he know how he made me feel when he did that? The words I said to him long before echoed in my mind: Just because I like Samaru, doesnt mean Ill ever like you!

I pulled myself out of it and faced him. What are you trying to say? I want us to be friends, Senz. But if you cant be my friend because I liked Samaru, were only going to be able to talk after I fix my problem. You cant just do this and pretend you dont feel the way you feel.

Maikeru. Im your friend no matter what. Even if I dont know if I approve of your homosexuality

Once the word slithered out of his mouth, I couldnt bear it. I shouted, Dont call it that!

He stared at me, his warm brown eyes caressing my face. I couldnt look. His voice muttered, If you cant accept it yourself, how did you expect me to?

I covered my face with the Marks of Acceptance on my hands. He didnt understand. I was trying to change for the better. Lifting up my hands, I sucked in the cold air, trying to freeze my mind, just a little so I could stay less emotional. I said, Senz, you dont understand.

Go talk to Chiamaka, then. He turned around and stalked off. I sat down at the edge and let the cold damp seep into my soul.


I put the egg on my lap once I sat at the churchs steps. Its weight was just right for me. The curve of the egg lay in the curve of my body when I bent forwards to hug it tight. I brought my lips to the top of the egg; and maybe I imagined it but it trembled under my touch. Tracing my fingers over the shell, I whispered to it, Only you can understand, right? Its warmth brought me comfort in the frigid air. Holding the egg carefully, I stood up and faced the door.

Chiamaka was always so supportive but the problem was she took me as whatever I was. I couldnt decide on anything, on any form of plan and when I asked her for advice, all shed say is, Do what you want, Maikeru. You know Ill help you anyway I can. It made it harder though I appreciated her sentiment. And I wasnt going to talk to Senz for a while. My mother was too eager, especially after the last Acceptance. She was marveling at how I was going to be the first male Paragon, and tried to introduce me to many different girls.

It didnt help obviously. I knew though it was important to show something to everyone during my third Acceptance.

I only had this egg. Given to me by Paragon Anima, it gave me confidence. Her words made an impact on me; but what Chiamaka said too made sense. What was wrong with liking Samaru? I winced as a bit of snow grazed my cheek. In the past two weeks, it was clear that Samaru had really disliked me. I heard what he said about me to others. And well, we had become so aware of each others presence that we always looked away from each other when we passed. It hurt because I thought we could be friends.

People still have been talking about me. About how I was going to be the first male Paragon ever. About how Samaru was unlucky. About how I had chosen the wrong person to like. What was worse was how people teased him. It was mostly all in jest, using me as a way to poke fun at him. I always saw his friends pointing at me when I entered church, all of them laughing and looking at me but Samaru would be solemn, his eyes dull and serious. He would look only at his feet. That was the worst thing; he didnt deserve all of that. It was my fault; why did they have to do this to him? I would love to pretend that the whole fiasco was a joke, that I never really liked Samaru at all but that would be trying to run away, wouldnt it? I had to be brave and that was why I decided to apologise.

I pushed the door open and entered.

The light made the swirling dust obvious. My mother was there already, sitting down in her seat, waiting for me to come. However, he caught my eye as usual. Samaru was standing in one of the aisles. In the dust, he looked like he came out from a dream. He grasped his arm with his hand, obscuring his birthmark. I always wondered if he was very self-conscious about that. With my resolve still burning in my head, I strode forwards towards him.

As usual, he didnt look at me.

My heart began to hammer. Excuse me, Samaru? He still refused to look at me. His eyes squinted yet again at the ceiling and I too looked up at him. He was just the right height for me, and if I tiptoed just a little, maybe... I pinched myself because this was wrong. This was all wrong. I planted my feet on the ground and spat it all out.

Samaru, Im sorry for whatever that has happened in the past few months. I didnt mean to put you through all that teasing. I didnt mean for anything to happen, really. It was all meant to be something less serious than what happened. I just hope youll forgive me... It wont happen again, I promise.

A pause. His head was now turned to the front of the church.

I cleared my throat. So, erm, Samaru, will you forgive me?

He turned and shot me with a look. My heart jumped. His voice wasnt as deep as I thought it would be, slightly high and nasally: Could you repeat all of that again? I didnt catch it.

I could feel a rush of blood entering my face and yet I felt humiliated. What should I do? In this situation, what could I do but to apologise again? It was my fault, wasnt it? I pulled on the bottom of my shirt, as my eyes escaped to the birthmark on his elbow, then my feet. I couldnt look him in the eye. Well, I didnt mean to put you through all that. Its my fault, I shouldnt... I shouldnt have done whatever I did. Will you forgive me?

Ask me again next time. I havent the time to answer you.

When I looked up to clarify with my heart beating so hard, he was already gone.


I never really recovered from that incident. Even after talking to Chiamaka about it, all she could tell me was to fuck him, he isnt worth it and I couldnt get his images out of my head. I really liked him and somehow, trying to give him up, trying to gain some resolution by asking him for forgiveness just backfired on me and I was left exhausted. There was nothing I could do now. Nothing at all. I had nothing to prove the start of my change and the third Acceptance was in about three days. Chiamaka patted my back and said, Maybe you should talk to Senz.

He doesnt like you, you know.

Thats because you havent introduced us.

I closed my eyes and realized that maybe if I did that, things could become better. I sent a message to Senz to meet me as our usual place the next day. Chiamaka grinned and said, Im finally going to meet the most important man in your life. I blushed a little; could that actually be true? Did my descriptions of him really give her that impression? I told her about how to find us and left for home.


My mother was at the sink, washing the dishes. Her mood had been upbeat ever since I got my egg. I didnt know what to say to her every time she told me, Ive faith you can fix your problem. Ill pray for you. I understood that she cared for me. When I had come back home, she had prepared dinner for both of us. I finished it and thanked her. It had been very taxing on her: work, religious duties and me. School in our village was very free and easy we studied whatever we wanted. I normally spent time reading books from the library; this had been partly because I didnt like asking my mother for textbook money. She though took it upon herself to buy the books that I always talked about. That was how she showed me she cared.

Thank you, Mom.

For?

For everything. For dinner, for the books, for taking it so well when you found out I liked Samaru. For all of this and more.

She stayed silent. Her hands still moved mindlessly, scrubbing the dishes. I didnt know if I should say anything. She took a deep breath and her voice came out raw. Maikeru, the truth is... Im not taking it too well. When she turned, her hands covered in a mass of soap suds, I tried not to look at her face because I knew she was crying. Inside though, I felt relieved to some extent, that she cared; and at the same time, I felt awful. She really didnt like who I was now. She really wanted me to change. Her voice wavered as she spoke, But Ive faith. Gwendoline will take you in Her arms, make you a Paragon and your place in the second Paradise will be safe. You will finally be happy. Ill pray so hard for you, Maikeru. Ill make you better.

I didnt know how to react to this. I had tried apologising to Samaru. I hated his reaction to me and I thought this was progress until I realized: wasnt hate just the product of wounded love? I liked him so much that I cared about what he thought. That was why I was hurt. My apology only moved me backwards.

And now, I realized I loved my mother enough that her opinion of me meant a lot. It had always been the two of us at the start. It hurt that she was like Senz: she couldnt take me the way I was. I said, Thanks Mom; but I dont know if I can change. My eyes started to water a little but I wasnt going to cry again. I was supposed to be brave, brave enough to be honest. If I couldnt tell my mother the truth, who could I say it to? Her face froze like a mask. Slowly, her features tightened. Her hands clenched into fists. The soap suds fell into pieces onto the kitchen floor.

I watched them dissolve.

Maikeru, please try. You have to. The third Acceptance is regarded as the one that wakes you up. I had mine already and... She gestured to the mark of a star just at the base of her thumb. And Ive learned how to deal with things, how to choose which feelings to feel and which actions to take. I dont let my heart just take control of me any longer. She sighed. So you have to understand, Maikeru. Gwendoline will teach you what is important.

My fingers trembled at the side of my body. So now I have to understand. I could feel the tears struggling to burst but my resolve was stronger. She chose to smile, didnt she? I should to. I forced a grin at her and said, I understand, Mother. Though, I smirked as I said it, youre being exactly like Senz now. He wants me to change as well.

A jolt seemed to go through her body. Her eyes grew into slits and her breath became heavier. I grinned in expectation; what would she say? The tension that grew suddenly though disappeared, her fists now relaxing and she gave me a small smile. Maybe he loves you as much as I do, then.


I was late and worried. I trekked through the snowy forest, trying to find our clearing near the edge of the cliff, gloves trying to shield my eyes from the snow. They might be fighting right now, Senz and Chiamaka. I knew Chiamaka was going to try her best to be as cordial as she could since she was willing to make peace, but Senz just didnt seem to like her. If he ever got started with his shit, Chiamaka would not take it down. She would fight back. I pushed away the branches frantically as I found the path leading towards our meeting place. Hopefully things would go well.

The two of them were sitting at the edge, looking at the afternoon sun over a bleak ocean. Behind them, I stayed quiet. It was nice, actually, seeing both of them like this. A happiness swelled within me. Chiamaka turned around and grinned at me. We were just talking about you, Maikeru! Senz turned, gave me a small smile and waved.

Can I come over? I asked, grinning back at her.

What are you saying? Of course you can!

She made space so that I could sit in the middle. Her hand grabbed mine and she playfully leaned on my shoulder. Maikeru, we were discussing about how tardy youve turned out to be. I laughed and apologised for being late. Senz was just quiet. I was surprised when his hand wandered over as well. His fingers felt strong as he fit them between mine. She whispered in my ear, Hes a little shy but he really cares. Trust me. I didnt know what to say.

Senz blurted out, Chi, Im sorry I thought badly of you.

She giggled. Its understandable. I was jealous too when I heard about what you and Maikeru got up to.

What are you talking about? This question shot out from both our mouths. I looked at Senz and laughed. He just scratched his head with his other hand. He looked away and muttered, I wasnt jealous.

Chiamaka opened her mouth, and after a moment, closed it. I nudged her and asked, What were you going to say?

That he was lying.

She cackled and got up as Senz tried to tackle her with me in the middle. Excited, he chased after her and both of them started playing with the snow. I grinned. That was Chiamaka for you. She managed to even turn Senz to her side. I sat alone as they played behind me. The sun started to lower in the horizon. Tomorrow, Id have to show proof of change so I could gain Acceptance. I turned and said, Senz, did Chi tell you about what happened to me and Samaru? Senz looked at me in the eye.

She did.

I gave a small smile. What do you think?

Hes a bastard. Ignore him. Senz looked down at his boots.

Thank you, Senz.

He walked up towards me and grinned right in my face. Ive missed you, Maikeru. And well, I realized I dont care what kind of people you like. It really doesnt make a difference to me anymore.

Did Chi tell you something that made you change your mind? I looked at Chiamaka with one eyebrow raised. Inside though, I felt deliciously happy. In his eyes, I could see sincerity. This was something I thought would never happen.

She didnt change my mind; I was just too stubborn to tell you this earlier.

Thanks. I playfully punched him in the shoulder and he cried out in mock pain, falling backwards on the wet snow.

Chiamaka smiled, came to me and whispered, Are you still worried about tomorrow? I shook my head. I realized something. If Senz could finally come to my side about this fact, my mother... maybe my mother could. Even if I didnt gain the Acceptance of Gwendoline, Id always have my mother, Chi and Senz. She patted my head and said, Thats good. Told you you should talk to Senz.

I got up and stretched. Senz was crouched down, watching a little Swinub dig into the snow, his eyes bright with interest. These moments would stay in my memories. He tenderly rubbed the Swinubs head and the little thing snuggled against his hand. He turned to me excitedly. Do you think I should keep him? I smiled and squatted down beside the Swinub. The little brown creature begun to dig again into the cold snow and with our hands, both of us tried to help it.

In the chilly air, Chiamaka laughed jarringly. Yeah, sure, why not?

And somehow from then on, I couldnt help but feel like if she wasnt there then, things wouldve been better for me and Senz and I hated myself for feeling that way.


On that day, my mother traced my previous Marks of Acceptance. It felt nice, her finger trailing over the circle on my arm and the crescents on my palms. She grinned and said, This third one is important. Are you ready? The hopeful expression she had, her eyebrows raised, corners of her lips turned up, made it hard for me to say anything.

I hope you are ready for what I have. I held the egg tight in my arms. It was making little jerks here and there; could it be a sign of it hatching? My mother smiled at my reply. My fingers felt cold. I didnt know if what I said was right. It was too late though. She pushed the door open and they swung aside. My footsteps echoed endlessly down the corridor.

Many people were waiting there already, more than my Second. When I entered the room, they all looked at me in awe. Whispering started to fill the whole place; I stood still. My mother placed a warm hand on my back. You can do this, she whispered and I knew what I was going to do would be seen as a betrayal. The Paragon appeared with a sudden burst of light and the crowd started to pull me towards her. I hugged the egg to my chest in fear of losing it. My mother smiled confidently; but before they took me away, I choked out the words: Im sorry. Her eyes clouded over with confusion then her face was washed away within the crowd.

Welcome to the Room of Worship for the third time, Maikeru. Are you ready?

Determined, I stayed rooted to the ground. Yes I am.

You have proven yourself worthy, Maikeru. Your determination to change for Gwendoline is admirable. And your hard work has finally come to fruition.

What was she talking about? I hadnt said anything as of yet. I wanted to tell her I couldnt change, that Gwendoline would have to accept me for whoever I am. I took a deep breath and prepared myself. I had practiced so hard for this moment, where Id tell the truth to everyone and let Gwendoline decide whether I am still worthy.

Paragon Anima gestured with her staff and Chiamaka dashed from that direction. I started in surprise. What are you doing here

Chi leapt onto me and planted her lips right on mine.
Edited by Air Sylph, Jul 31 2010, 08:42 PM.
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4

Everyone applauded. Paragon Anima sounded so glad: Lets congratulate the young lovers! The egg still stayed within my arms, unhatched. Chiamaka took her lips off me and I took a big breath before whispering hastily, What was all that about, Chi? What are you trying to do? Chi grinned back at me. Putting her mouth just beside my ear, she said, Its just for you, Maikeru. I want you to be happy; and you wanted proof of your change right? You wanted to be Accepted.

This wasnt what I wanted at all. My mother pushed through the crowd, came up to me and hugged me. Her eyes were shining with pride. I hated this feeling; I felt sick. Paragon Anima shoved her arm over me. The crowd clapped even more. This was getting worse and worse and despite Chiamaka doing this out of best intentions, I had to stop it. The Paragons voice boomed across the room: Once the egg hatches to reveal that the lesson has been learned, Maikeru will officially join the Paragons! People cheered.

I pulled myself out of all of it.

Stop! I shouted. And immediately, light shone on me. Silence.

Chiamaka is one of my best friends. But I dont like her that. I never will. I havent changed; Im still the same old me. Why cant any of you see that?

It was as quiet as death.

Paragon Anima stood like a statue. Her eyes grew cold. A blue glow appeared from behind - it was her Slowking once again. I didnt know what she was about to do, but I took a step backwards, holding my egg close to keep it safe. The crowd started to jeer, my mother wail and Chiamaka biting her lip nervously. They started to hurl insults at me, at my mother, Chiamaka and even Paragon Anima.

Youve not tried hard enough.

I dont want to try anymore.

More jeers.

Gwendoline wouldnt take you in Her arms if you stay this way. Dont you want to realize your fullest potential? Whats wrong with you? Paragon Anima waved her staff again for emphasis. The Slowking growled menacingly by her side. My mother wailed, Why cant you do as I tell you to? Chiamaka muttered, Sorry, I didnt know. More and more people started to shout and I hated this feeling. It was hard to breathe; the Room of Worship felt claustrophobic even though it was huge.

With one final effort, I struck out my middle finger and shouted, Fuck this! Im going to be who I am. No one, not even Gwendoline, can force me to be someone else!

I didnt know if anyone heard me but my egg started to crack. I shoved a few people out of my way, some of them in shock by what I had yelled, and ducked under the crowd, trying to get to a corner. The angry crowd noticed my disappearance and with my head down, I managed to get out of it. Chiamaka, my mother and Paragon Anima though were still stuck in the middle. The Paragons voice was now strained and forced as she tried to gain control of the Gwendols that swarmed them.

I carefully put the egg down on the carpeted floor and crouched down beside it. A coned shape head popped out from within and managed to break through the eggs soild shell. The Pokmon pulled herself out from the shell and stared at me. Her voice was high-pitched as she cried out for me, little arms (if you could call it that) stretched out. I picked her up and hugged her close to me. It was different from the warmth of the egg; she actually felt like the gentle chill of winters first breath. She felt like the times I shared with Senz at our place.

Slowly, because I didnt want to shock her, I walked through the corridor, with this Pokmon in my arms. The paintings above me were still exquisite; I pointed them out to her. She marvelled at the sights as well as a Pokmon could, but all this was interrupted as Paragon Animas voice travelled down the hall: A devil is born! Look at its dark skin. Maikeru is no longer Accepted. The marks on me started to burn but there was no time for that I had to escape this church and hide. I ran, as the pain started to grow.

Before the exit of the church, I crouched down. Just a few more steps, I told myself but the angry yells behind me were no longer enough for me to continue moving on. The pain was unbearable. My bones felt like they were burning. The cone-shaped creature popped out of my arms and I squeaked in fear that she would be taken away and attacked. She stood confidently though and spat.

Little spikes scattered across the floor.

Ow!

They were sharp enough to pierce through some of the shoes that the women wore but were probably ineffective against most of the boots. That little devil is playing some tricks with us! a woman at the front of the crowd howled. That was enough. No one dared to take a step forwards. I pulled the creature into my arms again before hobbling out of the church. She managed to squirm enough to lick my marks and strangely, the cool sensation made the pain fade away slowly.

Thank you, little one. I rubbed her head gently and she cooed in reply. I didnt even know what species this was. It was clear though what I had to do next. I had to see Senz.


What was that urgent phone call about? Why couldnt you just tell me on the phone?

Senz was already there, waiting for me. His brow was furrowed in worry and he paced around non-stop. I couldnt help but to choke a little as I related what had transgressed during the Acceptance. He nodded as he listened.

Thats a Snorunt you have there.

Thanks for telling me that, Senz; but more importantly, what should I do now?

He rubbed his chin. Maikeru, many people here are Gwendols... if they wouldnt talk to a Legacite like my parents no matter how ill they were, I really dont think you should stay here anymore. Who knows what extremes they will go to, to punish you for insulting them?

I rubbed the Snorunt on the tip of her head as I gathered my thoughts. So youre saying I should leave?

He nodded. You should.

So does this mean goodbye? The Snorunt decided to go trot off by herself, hopping around in the snow. I didnt want to leave, just when Senz and I had finally become proper friends again. His dark eyes turned towards the ocean. His voice sounded strangled when he said, Probably.

I went after the Snorunt. I couldnt believe things had come to this. Maybe if I had allowed Chi to carry out her plan...

I knocked into him when my head was bent down, trying to catch the little Snorunt. He breathed hard before saying, Thanks for introducing me to Chi. Itll make things easier when youre gone.

I nodded politely. What was I to say to that? Wish them good luck in their future together? I wasnt sure but I felt like they had a connection. Two of my best friends, perfect for each other. What more could I wish for? I blinked back the tears that formed and looked at Senz again. Something bitter seemed to well up within me. I didnt like how Chiamaka was going to take my place; I really didnt. I managed to find my tongue and say, Its nice that you have someone else.

He sighed. Fuck it.

And he pulled me into his arms. I dont think I ever felt that warm since. Placing my cheek against his chest, I only felt safe, nothing else. Everything else out there was nothing. For that moment, it was only us, standing in a patch of pure snow, between a forest and the ocean. I lifted my head and I saw him smiling to himself, eyes closed. And those lips...

If only I dared then.

His voice was gravelly. Goodbye.

Theres no need to say that. Ill come back. Or youll come to me. We are best friends, arent we? My voice wavered a little when I said friends, but he didnt notice. He grinned at me and nodded confidently, letting me go. I picked up the Snorunt and with his help, left the town with a few belongings he managed to get from my house with my key.

Get me one of my books, Senz. Please.

He placed my favorite novel in my hands: Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ichiguro. I thanked him; his eyes wandered around the area as he said, No problem, no problem.

Promise me to say goodbye to Chi. Tell her it wasnt her fault. Watch out for my mother.

No problem, no problem. He wasn't facing me and I knew he didn't want me to see him cry.

With the book in my hands, with Alicia my newest companion beside me and my memories in my head, I left the village in search of Slumber City, where Id be safe.

---

It is clear to me that he would never be able to feel the way I feel for him. Do I regret not kissing him? Professor Ivy stares at me. Shall I tell the truth? It feels like ever since I started telling it, things went wrong. Lies are more convenient; they are easier for people to swallow. I look at her eyes. She seems different though; and taking a deep breath, I decide to take a leap.

I tell her my biggest regret: that I didnt kiss him before I left. My homophobic best friend who seemed to have a small crush on my other friend. She gives me a small smile and said, Thats unexpected. So... what are you? Gay?

Trembling slightly, I nod. The two men beside her seem taken aback, but she grins and said, Youre brave and blunt. I like that.

I smile. I am beginning to like Professor Ivy more and more. One of the man says, Stop encouraging him, Professor. She glares at him and he shrunk down into his seat.

The man beside her nodded. Well, I think thats enough. One question to prove yourself and well, you definitely made an impression. This is the end

Wait, just one more. She narrows her eyes on me. I feel ready. Do you love him?

I grab the sides of my chair. This is a question that I had in my mind for a while. Unsure, I shrugged. She nods. Thats it. You can leave. We will contact you when we decide. I thank them and bow. They bow back politely.

Before I close the door, I cannot help but say loud enough for them to hear: Im not sure but I think I do.


Alicia Hailsham? I ask the Snorunt. I was trying to decide on a last name for her. To this, she nods excitedly, approvingly, and titters away in a language I hope to understand soon enough. Apparently, there are people who actually can translate the words of a Pokmon. I like the name - Hailsham is a name from the book. I open up my hands and she licks my palms. I look at the crescents that still were imprinted on. Will they ever fade away? I clenched my fists no matter what, I will remember what happened.

I wonder how everyone was back in my village. Chiamaka will most definitely manage to squirm her way out of any trouble yet again but I am still worried for my mother. One day, I will go back, proud and powerful enough to free my mother. If she cannot accept me for who I am, so be it; but I will not let Gwendoline poison her mind any longer. And Senz... He will always be the most important to me.

With Alicia in my arms, I wait for the call. This scholarship means everything now - whether I get to become an official trainer, whether Ill get the additional materials like that Dawn Stone when I start out, everything. The Pokcenter was kind enough to take me in, but they could only hold the room for two more nights. When my phone finally rings, my fingers cant help but shake.

Hello?

Is this Maikeru? This is Professor Ivy and Ive the results of your application with me.

Inside, I pray hard, not to Gwendoline, or anyone in particular; I pray that I will be accepted.
Edited by Air Sylph, Jul 31 2010, 08:55 PM.
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Don't read this until smod is done please


The End and thank you for reading! I sincerely hope for constructive criticism.
Edited by Air Sylph, Aug 1 2010, 01:00 AM.
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Kaizanu
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Warrior of the Wolves
And now, I'm tired. ._. So... very tired. But it's a very good tired. It's the kind of tired after a you know you've done something productive. Maybe it's just me. Maybe... I'll get onto the subdivided notes:

Chapter.ONE;
You've probably heard this one before, but when one writes in first-person, one opens a door of uncertainty for the reader. I'm not going to delve any deeper, because I personally like first-person very much. I like second-person even better. It's just a sort of flag to think about as you pass it. But, I'd like to add, that by having Professor Willow address Maikeru as "boy" you successfully define the sex of the character, without letting the reader float about in a gelatinous mass of unknown for too long.

"I might as well take the pen in my pocket and stab it right through my chest"
- Ow.

"The female Paragon stood opposite, her eyes shining blue, her left hand holding her staff."
- This either needs an "and" inserted after the last comma or complete removal of "her left hand" and some minor further editting.

"She has Said it so."
- In this sentence, I'm not sure if "Said" is a part of the religious vocabulary that is normally capitalized, so I just want to know. Yes.

"The muttering did not fade it stopped abruptly."
- Like... in the theater before the play starts. Articulated very well.

"her hand like a vise on my shoulder."
- Vise should be vice.

Also. No specific quote, but Slowking spit bubbles? Gross.

Also, another thing. There seems to be a lot of area movement that isn't quite indicated near the end of the second part of Chapter One. It does get confusing, but nothing too serious.

This religion is interesting. Very.

I dont mind if Senz goes to the Second Paradise instead of me; he did lose his home and Ive always got mine...
- ... Aww.

Near the end of this chapter, there was some tense confusion. Watch out for that.

-----
Chapter.TWO;
I like the friendly banter between Maikeru and Senz at the beginning of the chapter. It's just too big a quote to put here. Also, it's good to remember that in order to lessen confusion, that different speakers get their own paragraphs, no matter how small.

"I liked those little moles (sometimes I even imagine kissing every single one how embarassing)"
- This is win.

"It was how he stood though. It looked like he was going to take off and fly into the air."
- This is curious. Good curious, though.

"but could I listen to her for once?"
- Regardless, the question mark should come inside the quotations.

Thank you for your kind offer, Paragon Anima, but to be honest, Im not comfortable in sharing my problems with you.
- Sometimes it's just that split moment irritation. I've been guilty of this.

"I had used to waddle behind my mother in comforting silence."
- I imagine a penguin. A fluffy penguin. Ignore me.

I just want to make a guess that this religion is based in part on Christianity?

"As if hoping Id get rejected."
- The part before and following this... I just have to ask myself "exactly how confidential are these confessionals?"

"And when I started to cry, she held me and didn't say a word."
- A good friend she is to Maikeru.

And with my small and short comments, I don't want you to think I'm skimping out on you. Most of the things I comment on are random, anyway.

-----
Chapter.THREE;

"I had to be brave and that was why I decided to apologise."
- So much courage. I envy Maikeru's ability to make decisions and move forward.

"He turned and shot me with a look."
- Perhaps I am just a romantist in the pit of my heart, but I really had hoped this would have been the smoldering Valentino look.

"her voice came out raw"
- This is a well put description.

"wasnt hate just the product of wounded love?"
- I'm not sure that it is, but it is a good thing to wonder about. My friend did tell me about how hate is just a way of trying to control people. Either way, it's an interesting concept to think about.

"The soap suds fell into pieces onto the kitchen floor."
- A great metaphor of the present situation.

"If he ever got started with his shit, Chiamaka would not take it down."
- The idiom is "take it lying down," because at the moment, it makes little sense.

"Senz tried to tackle her with me in the middle."
- That seems... a little dangerous. Being on a cliff edge and all.

And, I meant to comment on this earlier: my mom's name is Chi. (Hahaha)

"Even if I didnt gain the Acceptance of Gwendoline, Id always have my mother, Chi and Senz."
- Truth! Maikeru = Smart Cookie.

"then her face was washed away within the crowd."
- This happens very often, I realize. Especially when you really need to tell them something. Darn crowds.

"Chi leapt onto me and planted her lips right on mine."
- I said to myself, "WTF? Chi!?" That was so awesomely randomly... terrible? Not terrible in a bad way, mind you.

-----
Chapter.FOUR;

"Whats wrong with you?"
- It's not that I hate this phrase... no. I do hate it. A lot. A certain person has asked me this question on numerous ocassions to which I reply, "You." But besides, Paragon Anima seems to be very... strange. Perhaps even a little immature to be a religious community leader. This is only my opinion, take it as you will.

"the Room of Worship felt claustrophobic even though it was huge."
- "even though it was huge" can easily be left out, but just a little pet peeve of mine. Not a big deal.

"With one final effort, I struck out my middle finger and shouted, Fuck this! Im going to be who I am. No one, not even Gwendoline, can force me to be someone else!"
- Hahaha. Win.

"I didnt know if anyone heard me but my egg started to crack."
- Pardon my grammar vocabularly, but I think this is a misplaced modifier. Hmm... I'll look it up at a later date.

"His voice was gravelly."
- Sounds vaguely like daggers from eyes. Yes. I like it.

You know, the real reason there aren't many comments: there isn't much wrong. There are barely any errors in comparison to the great points of this piece. Maikeru has a wonderfully round personality, and I love his friends.

I would regret that last moment too.

Though, I do wonder what happened to Samaru after he was such a cad. I would have also liked to see more instances of the egg's development, but let's face it, it's an egg, so it's hard to see development in one. Hahaha.

Anyway. Grade Time:
- a Pokedex
- a Poketech
- an Escape Rope (w/ 3 Charges)
- 5000 Zenni
- Pokeball x 5
- Lv.05 Female Snorunt w/ Egg Move Spikes
- A Dawn Stone
- And! 5.0 Experience

Also: Maikeru is far from gary sue, in my opinion. As for constructive criticism, the above is what I've got for you. You can ask me specific points if you want whenever you get back.
Edited by Kaizanu, Aug 4 2010, 05:37 PM.
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Air Sylph
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Thank you so much for all the comments. I'm happy most of them are positive and that the story was enjoyable. Yeah, I think 10k words made it quite a hard read but was it obvious how rushed the ending was? I rushed it all out because well, I was excited and also too lazy and I didn't want it to be so long that it'll be a drag to read. You're right to wonder about Samaru 'cause I had more to him but I decided to just take it out. I'm leaving it to another freeform but there I'll have to reiterate about how much Maikeru likes him again heh.

And yes, thank you for talking about the whole Chapter 1 confusion thing. I really didn't want to make a timeline and write down how long ago it was. My problem was, my whole story is a 'flashback' sort of, during the interview. And the explanation of Senz was sort of a flashback from then, and it was really hard sorting out the tenses. I know it's okay to slide from a past perfect to a past tense so I sort of tried it out and I'm not sure if it worked - plus it made it more confusing. Do you have any suggestions how I should've done it? I was thinking of putting that part in front but I wanted to have the dramatic Acceptance scene to set the mood and the "why is Senz not being accepted" feeling and all that explanation about the religion later.

I'm glad you found this religion interesting. It all came quite naturally to me when I was thinking about how Oppadeka people dealt with the Legacy people. They just seemed to accept that they appeared. Plus the dimension shift isn't some non-canon knowledge 'cause the NPCs here know it. I'm surprised there aren't more repercussions. Plus the fact that there are rivals - and these rivals are from the other dimension inspired me. And well, it was mainly based on that. I did base off it though on Christianity. Paragon Anima was never meant to be too bright. I didn't make it clear enough though that she isn't the head Paragon, just the only one in charge of Maikeru. And I tried to hint that there are many other Paragons, like how they discussed about Maikeru?

One question - did I use too many dashes and too many similar descriptions to describe emotions? I feel rather limited in these aspects. >< Any suggestions for improvement? Especially for the similar descriptions. I don't feel like I can describe anything apart from voices and hearts and fingers/hands maybe. Oh and lots of lipbiting. ><

Did you give yourself enough GenXP for this? I want to compliment your comments because you catch things that I did prudently put in, like the 'boy' Professor Ivy mentioned in her speech, some metaphors that I used and the like. <3 Thanks again. I think you deserve GenXP muchly but I'm not sure if I know how to judge how much so I'll leave it to you.
Edited by Air Sylph, Aug 6 2010, 09:53 PM.
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