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| Cancer;; Leaving Home. | |
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| Topic Started: Feb 17 2007, 04:32 PM (170 Views) | |
| cyanidexdinosawrr | Feb 17 2007, 04:32 PM Post #1 |
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Pidgey
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A dim light, escaping from a small bedside lamp, illuminated the small room. A girl, with an almost skeletal appearance was reading. The girl was quite shocking in appearance. Her skin was pale in colour, the result of not seeing the golden sun much in recent years. Her hair was beautiful, there was no denying. It was incredibly long, reaching beyond the girl`s bottom, and a rainbow of colours. Her bangs were black, but the rest of her wavy locks went from green to blue to purple to pink. An eye-patch guarded the girl`s left eye, which was missing. Her other eye was just as creepy, the iris was completely black. A knock reached the girls ears. She sat up, leaning against her headrest, her thick book balanced on her delicate thighs. What is it? She asked, sharply, to the figure standing in the doorway. The figure paused, stuttering. Y-your m-mother w-wants t-to s-see you. The girl pursed her lips, and pulled a face. Tell her, I`ll see her later. She said, looking down at her book, ignoring the exasperated looks from the man in the door. B-but, Ma`am He started started, looking rather nervous. The girl`s eyes flashed. Go away. She snarled, annoyed at being once again interrupted from her reading. The man at the door stepped back, looking worried. B-but No. The girl got to her feet, and glided to the doorway in a single elegant movement. You listen here, boy. She hissed, although the man was many years her older. You tell my mother - - - An hour or so later, after the girl had finished her book, and drifted up the chilling corridors of the lonely house, she knocked loudly on the door to her mother`s bedroom. Mother? She called out, as she opened the door with a click. You called for me? The girl stepped into the room tentatively. Moments later, she was swept into her mother`s arms. Oh my, Chrysanthia! She mumbled, a heavy sigh leaving her lips. I`ve been thinking Chrysanthia stayed silent, her face blank and her single eye blazing. The beginning of a rare smile seemed to form on her face. I`m allowed to go? She asked, awaiting the answer with baited breath. It wasn`t often that Chyrsanthia, or Cancer as she was known to most people, asked permission to do anything. No, dear. Her mother shook her head. I-I couldn`t bare the thought of you alone out there, lost a-and tired I`m sorry, Chyrsanthia Cancer`s eye narrowed. What? She hissed, in a voice barely audible, but still sent shivers down her mothers spine and forced her to look away from her own child. Cancer`s temper was a thing to be feared. I don`t want you leaving Her mother whimpered, I need you here. You can`t abandon you own mother She smiled slightly. Cancer shot a disgusted look at her mother, a feeling of intense power overwhelming her. I can do anything I want. She said, with a sneer. I`m leaving. She turned on her heel. A somewhat shocked expression filled her mother`s face. Leaving? Cancer walked calmly to her own room. She opened the door to her wardrobe and took out a shoebox, and a small black rucksack. She opened the shoebox, and put the contents into the black bag. Her essentials. Her mother appeared at the doorway, a worried expression on her face. W-what are you doing? She gasped, as Cancer pulled on a pair of Doc Martins. I`m leaving. Cancer repeated, as she put a long leather jacket over the top of her clothes. She smiled at her mother, a dark smile that pierced the heart of her mother, and shattered it into pieces, then kissed her on the cheek, and left without another word. |
APL: 5 Techno's Laptop | |
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| Air Sylph | Feb 18 2007, 05:48 AM Post #2 |
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Better.
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Okay. It isn't very bad. But that's 'cause there isn't enough. I wished you would elaborate a little more on WHY she looks like that. Maybe you'd do that in future? (: A few mistakes here and there. I particularly didn't like the starting, where you repeat 'appearance'. D: It makes it sound repetitive. "many years her older", sounds wrong. You should have just said, "Many years older than her." And if I were the mother, I'll probably not give this Cancer girl anything. However, for RP's sake, let's just do it this way: Her mother started to sob, her eyes filling with unshed tears, her lips containing protests, but surprisingly her voice stayed silent. Somehow, she wasn't saying anything. When Cancer left the room, she sees a note. "Dear Chrysanthia, I'll miss you. I know no matter what I say, I can't stop you. I love you and please, call me whenever you can. Love, Mum." On it, was a Poketech, a Escape Rope with 3 charges and some zenni. Cancer counted the lumps of gold. 3856 Zenni |
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