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Inquisitor Announces A New Series!; The Segment That Starts It All
Topic Started: May 28 2012, 03:28 PM (151 Views)
May 28 2012, 03:28 PM
- March 2, 2009
We open up in the office of PRW Hall of Famer and Commissioner The Inquisitor. Ole Quiz is enjoying some of that proverbial "me time", sitting as his desk and playing Words With Friends on his iPad. He's humming a proud tune, "Top of The World" by the Carpenters as he tries to enjoy a reprieve from the hard earned troubles that the PRW brings. There are stacks of papers on his desk; the kind that comes with charts of buyrates, ratings for PRW 24/7 and other highly important materials that the common fan knows nothing about. There's a blue folder though on the desk closest to IQ. We cannot see what's inside of it but the label on the top of the folder reads "PROJECT" on it in big black letters. Suddenly a buzz from the intercom cuts off his silent time, a heavy sigh emitting from the PRW honcho who works on this fabled "board of directors".
Inquisitor, sighing: What is it?
Intercom: They're here, sir. The wrestlers you wanted to see?
Inquisitor: All of them?
Intercom: How many is all of them sir?
Inquisitor: Should be five.
Intercom voice: Then yes, sir. All of them are here and waiting.
Inquisitor: Thank you, Bernice. Send them in please if you would.
Quiz leans back in his chair and exhales. He runs his hand through his quickly graying hair and sighs impatiently. After a few seonds, in walks Joey NOX, Alex LeBlanc, Ace Andrews and BOTH members of the Onslaught. None of the men seem too happy to be there as their faces indicate a certain anger level. Sensing this, Quiz tries to diffuse the situation as quickly as possible as any good boss would.
Inquisitor: First allow me to sure you all that none of you are getting fired.
As soon as the Commish says "fired", everyone in the room quickly turns to the door to make a hasteful exit. Inquisitor sees everyone running to the door and presses a button underneath his desk that automatically locks the door. Everyone sighs and turns back to him, shuffling their feet as they stand there.
NOX: Come on Quiz, it's Memorial Day Monday. We got grillin and shit to do!
Slaughter: What NOX said.
Ace Andrews: Noone seems bothered by the fact he locked the door from his desk?
Kazama: Should we be?
Ace Andrews: The short answer is yes. The long answer is hell yes, you dumbass what are you some kind of idiot?
Alex LeBlanc: You're kind of in charge yet you didn't know about his desk doorlock button?
Ace, incredulously: I WAS SUPPOSED TO ASK ABOUT A BUTTON THAT LOCKS DOORS FROM HIS DESK?
Alex: Yes! That's a reasonable question to ask a psychotic old man who you work with!
Ace: I only know about the Panic Room!
Alex: THE WHA?
Inquisitor: Gentlemen please this is neither about the buttons on my desk NOR the panic room where I keep all of the cryogenically frozen bodies of ex-PRW wrestlers to thaw out for a buyrate pop!
I only need a few moments of your time to propose a business offer. I ask that you all park your egos and your grilling in the rear view mirror until I am able to fully explain this to you.
Knowing that the door is locked and there's probably no reasoning with the man, the collection of former and current PRW title holders all resign themselves to their fate. Each one grabs a chair in front of Inquisitor's desk: Alex to Joey to Ace to Slaughter to Kazama from left to right. With his employees seated, Quiz stands up from his chair and walks around his office, staring down at the ground.
Inquisitor: Now as you gentlemen know, the rough economy has dented but not sank the cruise line ship known as PRW. We're surviving and making it through, make a little money here, lose a little there. The iPPVs and the PPVs have been a hit and international business has found some success.
Inquisitor: Even though the internet pay per views have found many a new fan for PRW....our website is in the complete dumps. Very little hits, very little ad revenue, very little interest.
Do you guys know some of the websites that get more hits than us? I'll list a few and spare us the entire list.
Joesblackkittie.com...and that is NOT a pornography website before you claim some sort of porn related frenzy. It's a 24 hr stream of a cat eating and pooping in a box. It has more hits than us.
A Lycos fan page for PRW has more hits than the actual website!
Inquisitor: I've done some research, hired and fired some good research people...and I believe it's the content on the site. There is none. We have iPPVs, sure but that's it. Match write ups? Hardly. Wrestler profiles? Sort of. We don't even have a forum!
NOX: How can there be a PRW website without a forum?! PRW needs a forum to survive!
Inquisitor: Our site is so lacking in details that one of our "special" additions is Takato Kazama reviewing baseball.....from Beijing.
Takato: And I'm not even Chinese so don't ask me shit about that.
Quiz nods his head solemnly as Kazama shrugs. The room falls silent as the Commish stares at his desk, his eyes rummaging for something his hands haven't reached yet. As Quiz scans over the documents, Joey nudges Ace Andrews in his chair slightly.
NOX: You've made a lot of money. How do you think we get out of this?
Ace: If it was me, I'd fire half the roster starting with you.
NOX: What about the other half?
Ace: Pay cuts for all.
NOX: So would you be on the pay cuts side or the fired side?
Ace: I'd....well obviously I'd be on neither. I'd sign myself to a non-wrestler contract for a billion dollars. How do you like that answer smart guy?
Alex, sighing: Look, Quiz. You and I have never seen eye to eye to say the least. I still want to help PRW out. If you think the site needs changing then we can do that. I mean I'm no graphics whiz but Sean Aries took a few graphical courses an-
Quiz stops him, hand raised to his face.
Inquisitor: Sean Aries will not participating for two reasons. One, he's unreliable and two...well...I can't find him.
Alex: You can't find Sean?
Inquisitor: I tried calling his phone fourteen times and no answer. I sent him an email and nothing there either.
Alex: Did you try to send him a message on XBOX live?
Inquisitor, befuddled: X.....box? Wh...
Alex, sighing: Quiz, Aries doesn't use his phone anymore. In fact he's living...well he moved. Put it that way.
JUMP CUT! to Emily Hart standing next to a gigantic bush in some park in Philly. She's holding a silver platter and on that platter would be two Lipton lemon iced tea bottles, sliced cheese, Nabisco crackers and a few spare grapes. She looks oblivious to the absurdity as she stands there, one hand resting on her hips. The bush begins to shake and then emerging from inside the bush is Sean Aries. Aries looks around quickly and nervously before taking the platter from her. He snatches up a cracker and bites into it, nodding.
Aries; Good job, Em. Thats my gal.
Emily: So this whole bush thing...
Aries: Hunny, there are some things in this world that are inexplainable. This is one of them. You remember your dad's tool shed? The one he'd smack you with a two by four if he saw you in or around because he told you to stay away and you didn't listen? WELL Emily, this is my giant natural wooden tool shed.
Emily: The guys are going to ask questions, Sean/
Aries: Tell them I died, they won't care. Listen Em, there's important Aries related business to be done. That and Greatest American Hero is about to start a marathon on TVLand. Toodles, Em!
Emily: You have TV in there?!
Aries steps inside the bush with the platter as Emily tries to follow. Unfortunately for her, Aries lets the branches go a little too early and the limbs of the bush slap Emily across the head. She falls to the floor with a little whimper, spitting out thistles as she tries to gather herself. As she sitting on the floor, Aries sticks his hand out and hangs up a "NO GIRLS ALLOWED! KEEP OUT!" sign on the bush.
We JUMP BACK to inside Inquisitor's office as the six inside the office are none the wiser to the exploits of Emily and Sean Aries. Inquisitor lowers his hand down a little and finally finds what he was looking for earlier. He grabs the blue folder off the desk and holds it with two hands, walking toward the wrestlers with a slight pep in his step. Alex and company seem intrigued by the folder that IQ is clutching so tightly.
Inquisitor: I appreciate the offer Alex but re-doing the site is already in progress. Instead what I'm focused on is the content. We need new, fresh ideas and content that will make fans want to come to our website, click on our ads and buy our merchandise. I've decided to come up with an idea and I've selected you five to spear head it.
Inquisitor opens up the folder and removes some papers from the folder. He hands a small stack of about 4-5 pages worth of paper to each guy in a chair, his stride not broken as he gets back to speaking.
Inquisitor: Gentlemen, these documents contain the details for what I think will be the hit for our new website. It's a weekly web-isode series. I call it PRW The Breakthrough!
NOX: Well Quiz, what about it?
Inquisitor: The idea is centered around four teams with four wrestlers on each team not including the captains of course. I've decided to select you five as the captains for these teams.
Ace, since I consider you the most capable for PRW, you are going to captain Team PRW. You can select any four members of the roster with under a year of active roster membership time, has never main evented or has never won a PRW title.
Ace: Four of em eh?
Inquisitor: Yes, four. Any four you choose.
Alex, since you consider yourself such an "indy" superstar, I'm going to put you in charge of your own Indy team. Choose any four wrestlers you'd like from the independent wrestling scene or MMA circuit. I would greatly prefer if this team had no wrestlers who saw active service time in any of the large scale wrestling promotions. You often pride yourself on your "from scratch" upbringing and this is your chance to help captain a team full of young vibrant talent directly in your own image.
Alex: That actually sounds pretty cool. Ya know I used to train guys ri--
Inquisitor: Great great great, save it for the show.
Joey! Since you seem to be in charge of booking the "Over The Hill" Gang as some might call it, I figure it'd be best to put you in charge of selecting four veteran wrestlers over the age of 35 who have seen significant face time in "major wrestling promotions." I trust your mind to handle the hard part of crafting a team of capable over the hill fogies.
NOX: Sure, I think I can handle that.
Inquisitor: And lastly! The Onslaught! You fine gentlemen are involved in captaining our international team. I'll give you a blank check and four valid work VISAs. All you have to do is pick the names and bring them aboard.
Slaughter: So we got the foreigners? So you gave us, the team with the Asian dude, the foreigners?
Inquisitor: Originally this was Matthew's team but...let's just say he priced himself out of the spot. It now belongs to you, my good sirs.
NOX: Alright alright fine. We all got teams. 4 wrestlers various restrictions blah blah blah. Now nevermind that...what are these teams even FOR?
Inquisitor: Well once teams are selected, hopefully by the end of today, you will engage in a weekly series of matches over 10-12 weeks.
NOX: Like the ultimate fighter?
Inquisitor: Well sort of. The first five weeks of the show will be used to crank up wins and losses for the teams while allowing the coaches to judge their abilities.
Alex: Like NXT?
Inquisitor: Kind of...except that the coaches will be allowed to compete as well for their teams.
Alex: Like 4th and long?
Inquisitor: I guess? Except that after the first five weeks there's going to be a tournament based on the ranking systems dependent upon performance, wins and losses. It'll be a 16 man tournament and from there the finals will be aired live on a feature telecast in either 10 or 12 weeks. The winner gets a prize.
Ace: So like TUF or Bellator...
Inquisitor: Kind of...AND we're going to have guest hosts weekly!
Ace: So like Tough Enough?
Inquisitor: Okay the next person to say anything about any sports based tournament/show is going to get fired.
Everyone silences up as they sort of filter through the paperwork handed to them. Quiz looks at his four "team coaches" and sighs happily, glad to have finally gotten this over with. Right when IQ is set to dismiss the meeting and send his coaches out to find their teams, Joey NOX pipes in.
NOX: What do we get? I mean the coaches.
Inquisitor: Why, you get to see your talents as mentors flourish and your team strive for greatness!
NOX: That's sweet and all but shouldn't the coaches get something. On the Ultimate Fighter they get Harleys.
Inquisitor: A pay raise? 25%?
NOX: I suppose that'll do for now. We fine with that?
Alex: I'm good.
Slaughter: Fine by me.
Ace: I would've gone for 40% but fine.
Inquisitor: Fine! Good show Jolly good show then! I expect your teams to be presented to me for approval before the end of today. The first episode begins on Thursday May 31st. Good luck and have a tremendous show! All of the details you wish to inquire about are the papers provided to you! Enjoy!
Quiz reaches over to the other side of his desk and presses a button which unlocks the door. The coaches all look at one another and begin to file out, muttering about their new found responsibilities as captains. With his selected chosen one exiting to handle their business, Inquisitor makes his way back to his desk for a sit down. He pulls out his iPad and goes back to playing Word With Friends, singing a happy tune as he does so. Suddenly IQ looks up and stares ahead, almost intently thinking something over.
Inquisitor: Maybe I should house them all up in one house together?
Nah...that'd be stupid.
He shrugs and goes back to playing a game as we fade out.
We Dem Boyz
I think working started the first time Eve faked an orgasm to satisfy's Adam's ego. [6/91]---Dave Meltzer
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