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| School writing project please critque; One Piece story | |
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| Tweet Topic Started: Sep 10 2005, 05:18 PM (301 Views) | |
| Ka Tokubi | Sep 10 2005, 05:18 PM Post #1 |
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Godforsaken Scapegoat
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So, for english class I had to write a story involving a list of words my teacher gave me. In lack of a good story plot, I came up with this: The Dejitaru Dorimaa-Kaizoku-Dan go to Bear island. I left out a few people because I was running out of ideas for ship positions. Like Saiyako and CP9. CP9's absence is explained but no one else. Just assume they went somewhere and couldn't go on this one adventure. So, I'm not done but this is what I have so far: The Dejitaru Dorimaa-Kaizoku-Dan* go to Bear Island It was a normal day for the Digital Dreamer Pirate Crew. They were very happy with their new ship, the Ultimate Justice. Duo Himura, the ship’s treasurer, had overseen the design and purchase. Kanthia, the ships gardener and second mate had come up with the name. “Ahhh!!!” Sighed Digital Dreamer, the ship’s captain. “What a beautiful day!” “Kanthia thinks it is too!” Said the third-person-speaking gardener. “What’s the next stop?” Digital Dreamer asked the navigator, ChibiKitsune. “Bear Island, Crys-san*,” She replied, using her nickname for the spunky captain. “We should be arriving there sometime later today.” “I’m hungry, I’m hungry, I’m hungry!” Complained Strawhatpirate, the ship’s cabin boy…or cabin girl… “I’m hungry!” she bothered Redpirate, the ship’s cook. “Calm down, Strawhatpirate-chan*,” she smiled. “I’m going to make lunch right now.” “Ramen!!!!!!!!!!” Just then, several clouds appeared, darkening the once bright sky. “Eh?” DigitalDreamer looked up. “What’s up?” asked Moose, the ships debater. He had taken over after the former one; ShiiPiNainu had left to deal with other business. Why the ship needed a debater? No one knew. “Those clouds are bothering me… Chibikitsune! Are we heading into a storm?” “It would appear so, Captain!” “Well, maybe it’ll just pass over,” Suggested Ka Tokubi, the ship’s artist. Another useless position…anyway, she did many other helpful things as well. “No, Kanthia does not think the weather will clear up…” said Kanthia as large dark clouds quickly rolled in. The waves were getting rough. The ship was knocked around. Digital Dreamer jumped up. “Ronozoro and Overchasm, go with Forbidden to pull up the sails!” She shouted to the ships guard, gunman and supply manager. Moose and Kanthia followed them up the masts. By this time, the storm had reached it’s peak and the small crew did all the could just to keep the ship from being destroyed. “Wait! Kanthia sees land!” Shouted Kanthia from the crow’s nest. Digital Dreamer gripped the steering wheel and dodged a large rock that seemed to have just appeared. Then they turned toward the island. “Time for lunch!” Red pirate said, oblivious to what was happening on deck. Opening the door to the bottom of the ship, she was promptly splashed with seawater. “Awwww…” Came from behind her. Strawhatpirate complained that her ramen was ruined. “Come on deck! We’ve almost reached land,” Chibikitsune said to Redpirate. They hit the island with a *bump*. “Everyone off the ship!” The whole crew quickly evacuated and ran for the forest to find shelter. Finally, after a few hours, the storm calmed down and the rain was but a drizzle. “Is everyone okay?” Digital Dreamer asked. “Yeah, everone’s here,” Duo said. “Man, I’m soaked!” Digital Dreamer exclaimed, wringing out her red scarf. “Nee, so is Kanthia,” said Kanthia, taking her long black hair fall loose around her shoulders. “Well, let’s go gather some supplies,” Chibikitsune said, “that’s why we came anyhow.” “Okie, head-count!” Said Digital Dreamer. “Chibikitsune’s here, and so is Kanthia… Duo Himura?” “Here!” “Forbidden?” “Here!” “Overchasm?” “Here!” “Redpirate?” “Here!” “Ronozoro?” “Here!” “Moose?” “Here!” “Strawhatpirate?” “Uwaaaa!!!!! Ramen!!!!!” “Uh…I’ll take that as a ‘here’” “Ka Tokubi?” There was no answer. “Ka Tokubi?” “Oh, captain! I’m sorry, I was scouting out the island because I was bored waiting in the rain.” “What did you find?” asked Digital Dreamer. “Did you see any bears???” Asked Strawhatpirate. “No, no bears…” Strawhatpirate cut her off. “But I thought this was Bear Island. That means there should be lots of bears here, right?” “No, actually, there’s no bears here,” said Chibikitsune. “When this island was first descovered, there was little life on it so it was 'Bare Island' but whover wrote the name had bad spelling so it ended up 'Bear island' there aren't really any bears here," she explained. *edit* “Since then, over time, some people came here and using dirt they brought, grew many plants. But those people appear to have all died out, but whoever they were, must have been very good gardeners because, as you can see, there is lush foliage everywhere.” “It’s so beautiful,” said Kanthia. “Raaaaameeeeennnnnn!!!!!” Shouted Strawhatpirate, her mouth making a beeline for Duo Himura’s hair. He sighed and jerked a fruit off a nearby tree; using it, he caught Strawhatpirate mouth just in time. “Mbguh…” “Hey! Be careful!” Said Kanthia, “the fruit might be poisonous.” “No, it’s okay, Kanthia,” Chibikitsune replied, “remember, these all belong to the people who.” “Now, ChibiKitsune-san,” Tokubi said, “You said that people had once lived here. What I was going to tell you, was that I found some ruins. There was a lot of engravings on the stones. Someone put in a lot of effort to write all that.” “Sounds like an adventure!” Said Digital Dreamer. “We’re going to check it out!” Soon, the group reached the ruins that Tokubi had talked about. Columns and bits of stone walls lied around everywhere. Just as she had said, the colums had writing all over them. “Hey!” Said Overchasm suddenly, “There’s foot prints on the ground, and they can’t be ours. We all wear shoes and those are bare feet that made those prints. Whose footpritns could they be?” “I wish someone could read all this writing to us,” Kanthia said. She was on the other side of the ruins and hadn’t heard Overchasm. Suddenly, she shriked! “There’s someone on the other side of this column. An old man got up. He was short, very short, and even shorter than any of the crewmembers. “Who’s that?” Asked Digital Dreamer. *edit* “I am Otogoto and I’m the only person on this island.” “I didn’t know there were any people here. Are you a survivor?” “Survivor? Oh, that must have been the rumor they spread. No, the people left here because they were tired of being so isolated. I was one of the few who decided to stay here when they followed their leader to another county. I’m the only one left alive, so I guess in that sense, I’m a ‘survivor’. So, how did you kids come here?” “Well, we’re pirates!” Said Digital Dreamer. “But don’t worry, we’re not here to steal. We just wanted to pick up on supplies before our next adventure but I think we’ve got one right here! Do you know how to read these text on these stones?” “Why, yes! They’re mostly poems. This used to be a city meeting place but after so long it’s well…what you see here.” “That’s so cool!” Said Kanthia, “Could you read on to us?” “This is one of my favorites,” said Otogoto: “You walk this road with me We walk side by side Never leave each other From each other nothing hide.” “Hey, that’s sort of like Nakama****,” Kanthia said. “Yes, Nakama. Those were the ones who stayed behind with me.” Otogoto smiled. “Well I guess you will be on your way then?” “Yes, but we’re glad to have met you,” Digital Dreamer said. *Dejitaru Dorimaa Kaizoku Dan-Digital Dreamer Pirate crew **An honorific like Mr or Ms but can also be used on a friend who is older than you or respected by you. ***An honorific for a female friend youger or same age as you or for something small and cute ****Friend and partner but with even stronger meaning |
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| Digitaldreamer | Sep 10 2005, 07:40 PM Post #2 |
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Friendly Neighborhood GM
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Well, it's certainly neat that you're writing about us all. ^^ I'm the captain, yaaaaaaaaaay.... o.O Who's my first mate though? Kanthia's my second mate, yet I seem to lack a first one. I assume it's ChibiKitsune, seeing how she's my co-GM and generally calls me by "Crys-san" as opposed to my usual alias. ^^ Anyhoo, this seems quite amusing so far. You have all of our personalities down rather well. I think Saiyako needs to be in it though. She should choose the position she wants or something. My crew isn't complete without EVERYONE. .....er...yeah..woot~! Can't wait to see the rest. ^^ Geez, maybe I should try writing something...hmm.. |
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~*Forum Queen*~ ZoLu is <3! ![]()
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| Duo Himura | Sep 10 2005, 07:56 PM Post #3 |
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The Betrayer of the People and a Tyranical Capitalist Pig-Dog
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Aw... I have to be the treasurer? Everyone knows that the treasurer is the first to go... Wait... this isn't a monster movie... nevermind. Out of curiosity, why's Moose in this? Oh, and sometime, I'm going to upload Rixter's comic to here about the spam wars. It's great, but only if you know what's going on in it. I just hope people can read the guy's handwriting... |
![]() Aku Soku Zan. ![]() Can I get a "Sieg Zeon"? Cibo canem domare potes... Pecunia hominem domare potes... Sed nemo et nihil Mibuis Lupos movere potest! | |
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| Digislave #2718281828459 | Sep 10 2005, 08:32 PM Post #4 |
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Captain
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"Bare Island?" LOLOLOL! But personally, I'd rather be the steward than the gunman, considering that I've never shot anything other than a BB gun and a water gun, but that was funny. Are you going to add to it? |
http://overchasm.deviantart.com/![]() Wobbuffet from Creative Worlds [.net] and not by me. | |
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| Kanthia | Sep 10 2005, 09:46 PM Post #5 |
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Keeper of the Awesome
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*Huggs Tokubi-chan* Tokubi is the first person ever to write a fic with Kanthia and get her in character. Maybe that's because nobody has written a fic about Kanthia... ¬¬;; (Edit: Gomen nasai! Kanthia forgot about her cameo in OverChasm-kun's fic, Things You Never See/Hear! She apologizes T______T) Sugoi~! If your teacher doesn't give you an A, tell her to call the gardner and Kanthia will teach her a thing or two about awesome ^^; ~Kanthia |
heart of the forum~![]() ~flowers of the forum Objection! | |
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| ronozoro | Sep 11 2005, 12:28 AM Post #6 |
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Crime: Caught Eating Flies
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oh im in a fanfic thats a first. but i get to be the gaurd thats cool as long as i get to use swords its very good but it does need Saiyako in it. also as for the actualy writting i think it would make the over all story better to give some more detail what does the ship look like and the different people what do they loook like. over all it was very good i like the end where bare was misspelled bear sounds like something i would do :lol: |
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"I don't need to learn because I don't know anything." ~ Mom ![]() Fables and One Piece will take over the world mwahahahaha! | |
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| Ka Tokubi | Sep 11 2005, 01:39 AM Post #7 |
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Godforsaken Scapegoat
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O.O...I forgot mr.rixter...and what's a steward? I didn't put Saiyako in it because I still can't get over her being "ronozoro's replacement" in my mind so it was either Ronozoro or her and Ronozoro's been around longer so...yeah...Uh...moose is in there because I like him...he's sort of...I dunno but he's a good guy right? *edit* Chibikitsune is the first mate |
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| Ka Tokubi | Sep 11 2005, 02:35 AM Post #8 |
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Godforsaken Scapegoat
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Okay, I finished the story, go read the first post. I simply edited the other stuff in. It's not the most sophisticated story but it's really only supposed to be around 1 page or so and it's three. And my Teacher gave me a list of words I'm supposed to write in it and so that limited what I can do too. So, critiqe it. I don't turn it in until monday and I want it to be the best it can be. I actually could have made it more complicated. Making a villan. Perhaps the island has a secret and the writings are spells but I made it short and cute instead. |
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| Duo Himura | Sep 11 2005, 02:41 AM Post #9 |
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The Betrayer of the People and a Tyranical Capitalist Pig-Dog
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I'd change Nakama's note to "sometimes translated as 'friend,' or 'comrade,' but in this instance means something more along the lines of both, one who is a true friend who's path is the same as yours." Other than that, pretty good. Though what you really need is some description in there. Then again, if this was supposed to be a 1 page writting assignment, maybe it's not necessary. But really, very little about the characters is described. If you don't know what someone looks like, just make it up. No one will mind, as long as you don't start confusing genders... |
![]() Aku Soku Zan. ![]() Can I get a "Sieg Zeon"? Cibo canem domare potes... Pecunia hominem domare potes... Sed nemo et nihil Mibuis Lupos movere potest! | |
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| Digislave #2718281828459 | Sep 11 2005, 02:55 AM Post #10 |
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Captain
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That's very good, Ka Tokubi-chan. And a steward is the captain's servant, unless it's actually called something else, but I do know that they're also called "the gentleman's gentleman". Wait, I think you left out a doctor in the story.
Yeah, but I sure didn't get you in character in that fic. |
http://overchasm.deviantart.com/![]() Wobbuffet from Creative Worlds [.net] and not by me. | |
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| Ka Tokubi | Sep 11 2005, 02:57 AM Post #11 |
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Godforsaken Scapegoat
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Oh, okay...well, anyway, about the detail, actually, the original plot was that the island had a secret and the words meant something important and there was a bad guy but it all got shortened. I'll write the real story some time an it'll have a better plot. |
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| Kanthia | Sep 11 2005, 02:58 AM Post #12 |
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Keeper of the Awesome
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Come to think of it... you're right. ^^; Kanthia must have had a brain fart during that edit ¬¬; ~Kanthia |
heart of the forum~![]() ~flowers of the forum Objection! | |
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| RedPirate | Sep 11 2005, 04:50 AM Post #13 |
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Forum Sanji and Cuisine Alchemist
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Ha! I'm the (now soggy) cook! I enjoyed reading this very much Tokubi. As long as your teacher isn't a genre snob you gotta get a good mark for that. It feels right. I pictured it in Manga's Oda style as I was reading it. I would give an A for that. Red-chan |
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| Saiyako | Sep 11 2005, 07:49 AM Post #14 |
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Glorious Rebel
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Well, I, um, like it... It's a cool idea, and a interesting start. Duo's right, though, it could use more description if you're going to turn it into a full story. I'd love to see what happens next. And I love "Bare/Bear Island!" Kinda disappointed that I'm not in it, though... And why is Moose there? He's the one who gives us all a hard time over caring about Zoro's name! |
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I've felt this way before. The world goes deafeningly silent. I hear my heartbeat thundering in my ears. This must truly be... the brink of death. I hear it. The breath of his steel. A katana follows will... All that's left... is to see if I truly have the power to cut steel. | |
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| Ka Tokubi | Sep 11 2005, 06:31 PM Post #15 |
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Godforsaken Scapegoat
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And I don't??? |
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7:20 PM Jul 11