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BUZZARDS, BROTHER!!!
Topic Started: Feb 27 2014, 02:57 AM (59 Views)
purity
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BEST IN NEWERA
[ * ]
[NEWera house show in Austria or wherever.]

[Suddenly, the lights go out.]

[The fans expect it to be one of the 900 people in NEWera whose entrances involve the lights going completely out, and get hyped up accordingly.]

[Instead, "Hey Hey My My" starts playing, and the crowd starts to groan.]

[At the top of the ramp, Crest Falcon rolls out.]

[Yes, rolls. He's wearing an extremely festive Hawaiian print shirt, white chinos so tight you can see the outline of his nutsack, and a fedora with the word "BITCOIN" printed on the hatband. He's in a wheelchair, wheeling himself slowly with one hand. The other hand holds a lantern, with a real flame inside.]

[Crest slowly rolls down to the ring. He keeps going off course because one of his arms is holding up the lantern.]

[At one point Crest bumps into a barricade and uses his toes to try to back himself up.]

[This whole process takes so long that "Hey Hey My My" ends, and begins playing again.]

[The fans boo Crest.]

[Crest finally makes it next to the ring. He screws up turning the chair again, and the chair falls over. He drops the lantern, and it breaks and starts a small fire.]

[The lights come up as Crest struts to the ring in his new outfit. He still does an obnoxious strut.]

[Two ringhands are spraying the lantern fire with a fire extinguisher. The crowd boos them, too. One of them shouts "JUST LET US DIE!" In German, though.]

[Crest takes a mic.]

[When he speaks, Crest is using a guttural moan, and sounds like a rapist, but not the successful, professional Kerryn Kali kind.]

CREST: Kendrick Gates, brother... The goddess of peace foretells famine, jack. The village of the south is taken from the man of the west, the Crest of the West, duderino. The black emissary will fall, chochacho. Brother: a time of war will end.

[Crest struts around the ring some more. The crowd boos.]

CREST: Listen, brother. The lion star foretells famine. The unicorn of the peaceful knight, jack, he will destroy the black prophet. The empire of the mountain is invaded by the prophet, brother. Do you dig what Cryptic Crest has to say, jack?

[Crest struts around the ring again, making a full circle. The crowd are visibly ready to abandon the show.]

CREST: The contessa of peace will wed the duke of the stars, chochachos, so dig it. In the empire of the east, a woman of the mountain will be born. The planet of justice foretells peace, brother!

[Crest's music starts playing again. Crest looks up at the stage, confused. The crowd continues booing.]

[Someone from the production crew actually comes out on stage to yell, off-mic, "CREST, GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE RING!" Crest still looks confused, cupping his hand to his ear. You know, like Hulk Hogan.]

[The fans begin to riot, and it makes the news.]
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2013 SECRET SANTA WINNER
2013 NEWBIE OF THE YEAR
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