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NIKITA THE RUSSIAN!!!; NFN 42 RP #1
Topic Started: Jan 27 2014, 02:23 PM (84 Views)
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[ * ]
[Crest Falcon is wearing his wrestling gear and a red apron that a grocer boy would wear in a John Updike story. Crest is also mopping up a spill in an aisle of a grocery store. When the camera advances toward him, he suddenly looks up and breaks the mop over his knee, which is a more complex proposition than it might initially sound like, because Crest has limited mobility and bad knees.]

CREST: The Russians, brother?!

[Crest takes the greater part of the broken mop handle and breaks it over his knee, again.]

CREST: They've been lying in wait for twenty years, chochachos, telling us that the USSR fell, that there's glasnost, brother, perestroika, cat, well, jack, they didn't fool Crafty Crest Falcon, brother! Fearless Falcon knew, brother, knew ALL ALONG that the Russians were just waiting for another chance at our precious, valuable, AMERICAN gold title belts, brother, to take them back to Red Square and take a big ol' Communist PISS on them, brother!

[Crest is so distraught he grabs a bottle of some kind of vitamin enriched water from the shelf, opens it, has a big swig, and then spits it onto the floor.]

CREST: What is Consequences Falcon doing, brother?! The RED drink?! That's what the Russians want, jack!

[Crest throws the drink to the floor, making an even bigger mess than the one he had probably started cleaning up.]

[Crest looks down at himself.]

CREST: AND THIS SMOCK, BROTHER!

[Crest rips the apron off and throws it into another aisle. He is shirtless underneath, and glistening, covered in baby oil.]

CREST: Phew! Feels good, chochachos, better dead than red, brother. So this Russian cat that Bald Eagle Falcon is facing, brother? Nikita? Nikita hurt his leg, brother, Nikita's only got one leg. Well, brother, let Crest Fantastico tell you, brother, time to do a head count on the number of legs this Crestacious bod is rocking--

[Crest points to his left leg.]

CREST: One!

[Crest points to his right leg.]

CREST: Two!

[Crest points to his crotch, with both hands.]

CREST: THREE, BROTHER!

[Crest does some hulking up flexing and posing.]

CREST: You think you can take this on with one leg, Nikita?! You think you stand a chance against the Red, White, Blue, Black, and White?! When that Neil Young plays, brother, Neil Young don't play in Russia, jack, you're gonna hear that and you're gonna know, brother, this ain't your world, jack, this is King Crest's planet, brother, and after you, jack, it's the World Heavyweight Championship, Nikita, you're the express train that Upwardly Mobile Falcon is riding all the way up, brother!

[Crest turns and leaves, shoplifting a box of protein bars as he does.]
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