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RAW's Contribution
Topic Started: Dec 9 2011, 11:43 PM (137 Views)
RAW
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Former Owner/Full Time Dick
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
The following is a pod cast recording uploaded onto NEWera.com.

What up bitches! RAW here and I decided this week you could be content with simply hearing my great voice. FUCK CAMERAS!

So anyway, some guy named Raymond Hughes is in this match and he’s from New Zealand. Fantastic. He hasn’t talked about this match so I can only assume he’s ugly as fuck, just like everyone else from New Zealand. Real nice of him to leave his entire family to die in the earthquakes while he pretends to be the country’s hero. If I remember correctly the last New Zealand hero we had was Demarco Gudex. Well Raymond, thank you for not raping our ears with a boring promo. I mean you’re your teams version of Christian York, I don’t really consider you to actually be in this match.

Now, also in this match, on my team no less, is some kid named Frankie Romeo. He apparently beat Hunter Valentyne last week. Who the fuck is Hunter Valentyne? Nevermind, it’s not important. Anyway, Frankie is apparently an aspiring artist. He’s shown off his art and I must say, he’s the best damn artist I’ve ever seen.

Anyway, Frankie’s on my team, so I can only assume that he’s a great in ring competitor. He’s an artist? Great, I’ll let him design our team logo. Team RAW, will function as a unit this Sunday, everyone has an important role to play in our victory and I’m confident that Frankie’s role will be nothing short of breath taking.

We also have some tool in this match. He calls himself the Sensational One, Romeo Stylez. Fantastic. Razzle Dazzle, right? Ok, here’s the deal. And let me say this in words that Romeo Stylez can understand.

Me RAW. Me captain of Team RAW. You Stylez. You captain of buttsex brigade. Me razzle dazzle on your mom. You razzle dazzle on your self. Me hit you. Me kick you. Me drop you. You lose. This Sunday, you get hurt.

I think he’ll be able to understand that.

Next up, let’s swing back to my team where I’ve got Xander Kincaid. Now, I don’t really know much about Xander. Mainly because I don’t care. However, he bragged about being a wrestler. I can respect that. Our opponents are filled with a clown, a tool, a boxer, a priest, and a gambler. Xander Kincaid, is just like me, a wrestler. Granted he’s no where as good looking, rich, or charming as I am, but he is a wrestler. Like Frankie, Xander has a key part in this teams victory on Sunday, and I for one am looking forward to watching him wrestle.

While we’re talking about my team let’s talk about Kidd Love. This isn’t the first time I’ve been asked to team with Kidd. The first time we were going to face Priest and a Turkey. Well, the match never happened because Kidd Love attacked the turkey and took it out. I’m not sure if y’all have noticed but that turkey hasn’t been seen since. Add to that I no longer have to hear Xavier Magnus’s constant whining, bitching, and quitting because of Kidd Love.

Love, you’re a true superstar. For months management has forced you to compete against nobodies and wannabes. While you should’ve been competing for titles, instead you were competing with assholes who couldn’t even stay in this company. This Sunday, you should’ve been in the six pack match for the NEW World Championship. Instead, they’ve asked you to team with me. It sucks, I know it does. But here’s the scoop. Travis is my boy, and if you help me win this Sunday, I’ll put in a good word and you’ll be in a world title match before you know it. Team RAW needs your help Love, and I know you’ve got the talent to win.

Speaking of Team RAW, Jack Erickson. Jack and I go back a month. I was chillin in the back about to get my chicken on when my crazy ex-girlfriend busts in and forces me to team with Jack. Now, we didn’t win, but that ain’t my fault. I was prepared for sex, not a match. However, Jack wants his titles back and I’m sure I can help him. Like Jack I too am a former NEW Tag Team Champion. In fact half of my wins this year have been in tag team matches. So, let’s just say I can help Jack get his titles back, but I need a favor in return.

Next up, we have Hisoka, the Jester. All I have to say about Hisoka is this. I am not a got damn skeleton.

That brings me to the leader of the opposing team. A Mr. Robbie Priest. I’ll speak to Priest directly.

Priest, I don’t know who the fuck you think you are. Last I remembered my business with Lana is none of your Goddamn business. She’s not blaming the kid on you anymore so I don’t see why you felt the need to chime in a couple of weeks ago when I was talking specifically to my former girlfriend. If you and Alexi broke up and she worked for the company, and you two were having an argument week in and week out on NEW TV, would that give me the right to stick my dick in the middle of that conversation? No the fuck it would not. My problems with Lana are between Lana and myself. Hell, she’s the one who tried to frame the baby on you, so I don’t see why you felt the need to take her side against me.

However, since you decided to get involved in my personal business. Since you decided to make this fight between us personal, I’ll do you a favor and do the same for you. You’ve deemed it fit to talk about my personal affairs so I’ll talk about yours. However, since we have an “artist” on my team like Frankie Romeo, I will show my artistic side and present my message with a poem.

Slut, slut, your wife’s a slut! Men bust their nuts inside your wife’s butt. So many dicks get sticked in Alexi’s gut. She’s a slut, she’s a slut.

Her mouth goes south on me for some nut sucking. She’s never too shy to try out some butt fucking. Alexi makes it easy with her sleazy old slut fucking. Boo to the nice girls! Praise be to slut fucking!

How’s that Priest? Is that fair game for me? Obviously, if you can talk about my relationship with Lana, I’m allowed to say whatever the fuck I want about Alexi, right? You’re not going to be mad at me for these poems will you? I mean it’d be such a shame for me to find out that you’re such a hypocrite. Nah, I’m sure you’re cool with it. In fact, since I’m sure you like it so much, I’ve memorized some haikus for you too. Haikus are Japanese poems that follow the order of 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables. They’re not meant to rhyme but can be seen as art. So here’s what I’ve got.

Alexi’s a slut
Cum bucket describes that slut
She sucks dicks all day.

Your wife loves to suck
She loves taking dick in her
She cheats on your ass.

That cool Priest? You down with those haikus? I know, I know, you think I’m the shit right? It’s cool man, I could go on for days about your wife. Hell, she’d probably let me go on for days inside her. I mean shit, I thought Lana was a whore, but Alexi’s got her beat. I don’t know how you put up with it Priest? I finally dumped my slut problem. I don’t see how you continue to stick your dick in a vagina when you just know there’s been plenty of semen inside of it that isn’t yours. Is it like sticking a hotdog down a hallway now? I assume that vagina of hers is stretched out like a fat man’s waist line. In fact in the realm of being an artist I wrote a song about Alexi, I hope you enjoy it.

Robbie doesn't know,
That Alexi and me
Do it in my mansion on Sunday
She tells him she's in church
But she doesn't go
Still she's on her knees, and...

Robbie doesn't know, oh.
Robbie doesn't know-oh.
So don't tell Robbie!
Robbie doesn't know,
Robbie doesn't know.
SO DON'T TELL ROBBIE!

Alexi says she's out shopping,
But she's on top and she’s not stopping.

'Cause Robbie doesn't know,
Robbie doesn't know,
Robbie doesn't know,
Robbie doesn't know.
So don't tell Robbie.
Robbie doesn't knoooooow-oh…
DON'T TELL ROBBIE!

I can't believe Priest’s so trustin'
While I'm right behind her thrustin'.

Alexi’s got him on the phone,
And she's trying not to moan.
I‘m up in that ass,
And he knows nothing.
NOTHING!

Robbie doesn't know,
Robbie doesn't know,
Robbie doesn't know,
Don't tell Robbie.
'Cause Robbie doesn't know,
Robbie doesn't knoooooow-oh!
SO DON'T TELL ROBBIE!

We'll put on a show, everyone will go.
Robbie doesn't know,
Robbie doesn't know,
Robbie doesn't knoooooow-oh…

I would sing more, but you get the picture. I thought of the song myself, honest. Ok, I may have stolen the idea, directly from Eurotrip but still, I think it’s a very good song the way I do it. Obviously, Priest will find the humor in it and he won’t get mad. I mean he clearly has no respect for other people’s relationships, so why would he expect me to have respect for his relationship? This Sunday, I will lead my team to war with Priest and his team, and after my team wins, we’re all going to celebrate RAW style with an Alexi Priest gang bang in the locker room. Hell, I’ll even let Priest’s team watch for a marginal fee. See ya on Sunday, Robbie. You and your wife.
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