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GOMN; The Porn and Couch Shit Edition
Topic Started: Oct 8 2011, 07:37 PM (214 Views)
RAW
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Former Owner/Full Time Dick
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A video begins but don't get your panties in a wad Jimmy because this one isn't about you. This one is for Outkast and Xavier Magnus, as well as James Stall and Bombtrack. See because RAW has been vaguely paying attention to the TV this week and he feels the need to speak up. So sit down shut up and listen because a sarcastic, cocky, slightly angry, and smug black man is about to speak. He's dressed in his wrestling gear to show that he means business as he stands in a DARK FUCKING ROOM like his goddamn name was Psychosis.

I'll go in chronological order for this video so don't you bitches worry. Oh and for those of you without enough brain cells to understand that it means in the order that things happened. Outkast started off with his video, James Stall stroked Psych's cock, Bombtrack actually thought people gave a fuck about his opinion, and then Xavier Magnus made another desperate try at being relevant. It's funny because Outkast talked about us being past the bitchassness stage but it seems like most of you have parked right on Bitchassness Avenue.

It doesn't matter if you're his opponent, or if you're some random dude in the company, if you have a NEW contract, and you say dumb shit, RAW will be sure to humiliate you for it. Plain and simple. Today, he's shifted his focus to four men, and he's focused to speak his mind about those four men.

So let's begin with Outkast who addressed the locker room as a whole, as well as his current situation where he will choose someone to defend the title against at Fear Itself. Now he went on his little speal about what people think about after becoming World Champion. What their goals are. My goal is simple. When I become World Champion, and you can bet your ass that I will, I will put an end to BITCH-ASS-PUSSY-MOTHER-FUCKERS!!!

I will refuse to give a shot to anyone who hasn't been here for at least four months and no, quitting and coming back doesn't count. You have to have been in the company four months straight without pitching a bitch fit, walking out, and sucking dick to get your job back once you realized you didn't have anywhere to go once you left. I'm personally, gonna dick slap fuckers who constantly bitch about not being recognized, or pushed enough. If you lose all the goddamn time and complain about not getting respect you ain't gonna get shit from me.

As far as Outkast's whole veteran vs rookie theology, I could give a fuck about that. If Psychosis is kicking everyone's ass I'm gonna give him a shot. If Doc Holiday, starts winning matches left and right, and laying niggas out like they ain't shit then yeah, he'll receive a shot. If Kidd Love finally stops putting pussy first and comes at me with me as his only focus then I'll give him some consideration. And if "Mother Fucking" Troy Turner kisses my black ass, I might give him a shot too.

But if your last name is Magnus you might as well just slit your own throat because I ain't gonna give you a shot. If you think you're Olympic Broonze then you ain't getting shit from me. If you're a Nightmare that never shows up then you can just lay back and try to think about the good old days when people actually thought you were good. Oh and if you only really show up for the Pay Per Views yet you're barely around for the shows, then you're shit out of luck too, Jimmy Helmsley.

Outkast wants us to think about what we'll do when, if, we become World Champion? Well, I've thought about it bitch and I'm not just gonna pic a random dude at the pay per view with no build up to the match at all. I'm gonna make Travis a little bit of money. I'm gonna give him some shit he can advertise and hype up. I'm gonna choose a handful of niggas and have them battle it out in tournaments, or battle royals, or shit and make them earn their shot. I'm not just gonna randomly choose some nigga to give it to, because that nigga ain't earned it. I'm gonna give the fans someone they can cheer for as opposed to some namely question mark next to my name on the card.

Hell, if your name's Disturbed you'll probably get a shot because I know you'll give me a challenge, and I know that you're committed to the company. If your name's Blake Blomberg, I'll give you a shot because I want to prove I can beat you. But when I say I'll give you a shot I mean Disturbed would face Blake and the winner would get a title match. Not Disturbed randomly getting it without earning shit. Outkast you want men who will be fighting champions? I hope you choose me, because I'll do more than fight you, I will kick your self righteous ass.


One down, three to go, as RAW mentally transitions to the next subject of his scorn. James Stall, made a promo encouraging Psychosis who is facing Priest for some strange reason. So, of course, RAW feels the need to comment on it and RAW will do whatever he wants to do.

Let me get this shit straight, Priest vaguely mentioned James Stall for being a liar in his rp, and in return James dropped to his knees and proceeded to receive a mouthful from Psychosis. Now, I know we're supposed to be buddies, but, James, honestly, it was you who left my name out of the list of people whom you believe to be honest men. Well here's some honesty for you James Stall. You are no great bad ass. Travis works hard to make you look good during the shows despite the fact that each and every week you seem to find new ways to lose.

Thank God Priest isn't Riot because if I recall correctly Riot did kick your ass. So if you're gonna suck someone else's dick because another person decides to mention you briefly in passing then you might wanna get your lips ready for Jimmy Helmsley because you, James Stall, are at the pinnacle of bitchassness right now. Now go get some Aspirin for your knees because I know they have to be hurting right now, considering how much time you spend on them.


Two for two so far and the Warrior of #WINNING! isn't done yet. Now, RAW turns his attention to a enemy turned friend turned eyesore. Bombtrack. From beginning their NEW careers by fighting each other, to the Legion, to finally getting to this point RAW Randy Altzer is familiar with Bombtrack. So familiar, that he doesn't bother smiling when speaking about a man who he refers to as an inbred hillbilly redneck.

Bombtrack, my acquaintance. Why do you speak? That's a serious question. Why do you speak? I just don't understand it. Whenever you open your mouth I try to think of reasons why words are coming out of it but for the life of me I never can. There's no point to it. Because you're supposed to be some kind of scary ass kicking monster with your C4 and all that other shit but when you open your mouth it just makes you seem like some giant retard. Further more, you said Outkast is stealing your spotlight but you versus Nathan Blaster is nothing more than two tards fighting over who the bigger tard is. If it makes you feel better Bombtrack, I think you're the bigger tard. There. You've won. You are now king of the tards. Nathan Blaster has nothing on your tardness. So, shut the fuck up.

Short yes, but RAW didn't want to spend too much time on Bombtrack since the next subject of his scorn was someone who definitely needed to be educated. Xavier Magnus. Where should RAW start...

Finally, I'm going to talk to Xavier Magnus. A man who has jumped from company to company and has quit each company he's been in at least twice before finally sparing that company of his presence. The worst thing an owner can receive is a Xavier Magnus application because that means his company is about to get a healthy dose of Grade A Bullshit.

Xavier Magnus is more than a quitter, he's more than a cancer, Xavier "Last Son of Olympus" Magnus is a giant sack of AIDS for whatever company he wrestles in. Hell, his AIDS killed Supreme Wrestling. His AIDS was hated in CPW. His AIDS is finally about leave NEW for the last time. And after Xavier Magnus leaves, TravisBlaine is gonna start wearing condoms because, Xavier, he never wants your AIDS again.

You're supposed to be some fan favorite? Bull shit. Xavier Magnus, fans can't cheer for you because they don't actually know if you're going to be here when you're booked to be here. They are cursed with knowing that this company's first World Champion is also this company's worst World Champion and yes I do mean that you are worse than Rigormortis X, At least he, didn't get a thong shoved up his ass everytime something didn't go his way.

Rig X only bitched if you said Burger King was better, yet this very week, with you already half way out the door you continuous flip out over stupid shit backstage. You've flipped out over Fantasy Football, 2012, someone saying they liked Outkast's promo, and Doc Holiday wanting to throw a Goddamn party. Do you even hear yourself anymore or do you just let your AIDS do the talking for you?

NEW's video game has a Xavier Magnus quitter mode, and that's nothing for you to brag about because it, just like you, is a joke. That's what you've been reduced to. A man who has been champion in multiple organizations and instead of being a legend at this point you are a joke. Unwanted by every company that you have competed in.

Yet, you want Outkast to give you a title shot? Why? Why the fuck would he give you a fucking title shot. You wouldn't deserve one even if you were staying, so why would he give you one when you're leaving? You are fucked in the head if you believe you'll ever get another title match in this company.

So, leave already. Just go away. We don't want you here. We're not going to change our minds this time. Travis will not let you back in. When you take those steps out the door we will shut it and lock it behind you. The company hates you Xavier. Worse than it ever hated the Rat Pack. You are simply undesired and when you leave, when you're finally gone, we won't celebrate, boo, or signify it in anyway. Because we never want to think about you again.


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