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Lyin' Hunting in the Suburban African Jungle; OR: Hell and Scorched Earth (rmx) Pt 1
Topic Started: Oct 6 2011, 12:04 AM (196 Views)
Rollzy
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Rogan: The Joe Rogan Experience is brought to you by the Fleshlight. The #1 selling sex toy for men. Click on the fleshlight logo, and enter the code word ‘Rogan’ for 15% off all your masturbatory needs! It’s amazing, it feels like a pussy, but without the backtalk! Just don’t use it at 150 miles an hour on the freeway!

Rollz: Never gonna live that down, eh?

Rogan: No way my brother! OK people, buckle the fuck up. Chris Rollz is in the house. And he’s in a FOUL mood.

Rollz: Fuckin a right.

Rogan: So that trainwreck we just allegedly might have smoked didn’t calm you down?

Rollz: It did, but it put me in a different place of aggravated.

Redban: I’m pretty sure I know exactly what you mean, where you’re not mad at the act anymore, but you’re mad at the reasons behind the act.

Rogan: Laughing You mean you’re angry, but now you’re intelligently angry?

Rollz: Exactly. Pothead angry.

Rogan: Speaking of pothead angry, no Joey Diaz today on the podcast ladies and gentlemen, he bailed out on us at the last minute.

Rollz: He no-showed the podcast. He’s doing his one man show tonight, he wanted to get prepared.

Redban: I finally saw his show last week at the Comedy Store. It’s really cool. He relates stories from his childhood and his crazy family... It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen him do. It wasn’t even funny, like you’d expect to see Joey Diaz and laugh your ass off, but it was so much more dramatic and, I can’t even explain it. It was art, as crazy as that sounds.

Rogan: I totally agree. Between coming from Cuba and not knowing any English, and his path to adulthood, it’s amazing the journey this man’s been on. He’s like this wild animal in a human’s body, and it makes total sense when you consider how he grew up. He’s just barely hanging on by a thread as it is now, imagine when he was an 18 year old bag of raging Cuban hormones! God DAMN he must’ve been a wild motherfucker.

Rollz: He still is a wild motherfucker.

Redban: Tell him about the ooze Rollz.

Rogan: Tell me about the what?

Redban: You have to tell him about the ooze, it’s the most ridiculous Joe Diaz story in awhile. If you thought Joey Diaz was a wild man before, wait till you hear this story.

Rogan: Yeah, ok, first of all, what the hell are you even talking about? Ooze?

Rollz: Oh man, Joe Rogan... wait till you hear this.

Rogan: OK, hit me.

Rollz: Oh, so THIS motherfucker...

Joe Rogan laughs.

Rogan: Why is it that every Joey Diaz story starts out that way? With ‘THIS MOTHERFUCKER, dot dot dot’.

Rollz: So, we go to my friend Spencer’s house, right, checkin up on the lil dude to make sure he’s alright. He’s goin' through some shit.

Rogan: Wait, now who’s Spencer?

Rollz: Doesn’t matter, immaterial to the story.

Rogan: OK.

Rollz: So we’re hangin' out, and Spencer has this can of ooze, right?

Rogan: You have to explain this ooze, I’m so confused right now as to what this ooze is.

Redban: It’s like prop slime. Like, nickelodeon gak.

Rogan: Oh, my kids play with that shit. It’s sticky and it stinks. It’s so strange to see my little daughters playing with what amounts to be fake loads.

Redban: They’re just learning how to handle the hazards of their future occupations.

Rogan: So help me god if you say strippers and hookers...

Redban giggles like a schoolgirl.

Rollz: So Joey finds this can of ooze, and he pops it open, and he says it smells like weed, right?

Rogan: Oh no, if it smells like weed Joey is always convinced there’s actual weed in it.

Redban: He tried to smoke a skunk once!

Rogan: Bryan, that’s not true.

Redban: It’s funny though! Or it would be funny if it were true!

Rogan: But here’s the thing Bryan, you have a person who has broken everyone’s crazy meter. There’s no story you can float out there that people wouldn’t just believe about Joey, you can’t have people out there thinking he’s trapping skunks in the woods and trying to light them on fire.

Redban: True. Sorry Joey!

Rollz: So, of course, Joey wants to smoke it, right? But I talk him out of it because we’re on the way to the airport to Boston. So he stashes it. But last night we’re at his house, and we’re talkin' about his cats n shit, and he runs off into his room. He comes back with his metal pipe, and a fuckin lighter, so I’m thinkin' we’re about to get it on with some Kush.

Rogan: Oh no...

Rollz: so he sits down on his couch, and he takes one of those deep Joey Diaz pulls.

Rogan: Ohhhh no...

Rollz: Yeah dude, he went DEEP!

Rogan: Please tell me he didn’t.

Rollz: He did. So he takes this hit, and he rolls his eyes back into his head, and he just slumps there for a minute. Then he starts mumbling in Spanish. Something about his mother’s rice and beans.

Redban: Yeah Joe, it was crazy.

Rogan: You were there too?

Redban: Yeah, I wanted to save this story for the podcast!

Rogan: Good call Bryan. So he slumps down on his couch?

Rollz: Yeah, he slumps down and starts mumbling. So at this point I think he’s smokin' salvia. So I turn to Bryan and I say “Yo, hold down the fort, I’m goin' in with him!”

Rogan: Noooooooo

Rollz: Yes. So I got the pipe, and Bryan grabs the lighter from me.

Rogan: What? Redban was the voice of reason?

Redban: No, I was just terrified of what could happen if Joey and Rollz went on a bad trip at the same time. What the fuck am I gonna do if those two start throwing furniture at me or if they see me as a walking chicken bone or something.

Rogan explodes with laughter...

Rogan: A giant chicken bone!? What?!

Redban: Well, not necessarily a chicken bone, but you know what I mean. I didn’t want to become a part of their dreamworld, you know?

Rogan: I totally understand brother. That would be a tough job for any shaman to try and talk those two down off the ledge.

Rollz: It’s a good thing he did too, because I would’ve smoked that fucking plastic shit. Bryan looks down and realizes it’s not Salvia, and then we get worried, because I put two and two together.

Rogan: He smoked the ooze!?

Rollz: He smoked the ooze. And as soon as Bryan and I realize it, he pops up like nothing happened!

Redban: It was the craziest thing, Joe. He comes around, and tells us this story about him being taken back to his mother’s house, and how delicious her rice and beans were, how she cooked the beans with ham hocks and salted pork and how the rice was buttery and soft.

Rollz: Dude time traveled back to when he was a kid, eatin' dinner at his mother’s house. He said it was like 3 minutes of pure awesome.

Rogan: So it wasn’t like a Salvia trip or a DMT trip, it activated his memory?

Redban: That’s what he says anyway.

Rogan: So... who took the next hit?

Redban: Nobody!

Rollz: Fuck outta here with that shit! I’ll tell you this, I snatched that can from his house. He liked that shit too much.

Redban: I’m pretty sure there was salvia mixed in with the ooze.

Rogan: Yeah, but salvia takes you to a place within a metaphor though. It’s not... accurate? It’s not just a memory, it’s more like a dream memory. Where things don’t make sense until you process them. That’s not what it sounds like happened to Joey.

Redban: That’s definitely not what he described as his experience.

Rogan: hm... fascinating. Maybe it’s like Ayahuasca, where the two ingredients come together. Like the Salvia and the Ooze came together to form some kind of new psychoactive substance.

Redban: you know what’s crazy Joe?

Rogan: What’s that?

Redban: We still haven’t started the podcast. If the music isn’t played, we’re not officially podcasting.

Rogan: How silly of me... how funny is it that we have these ridiculous standards. Intro song!


Nine - "Lyin' King"



Heard your album and I don't believe a word of it...
I Think you're soft like that trick, Mother Hubbard
Fillin' the cupboard with canned goods
Like Mother goose, who lived in a shoe;
Next door to your weak-ass crew.

… … …

The well is almost dry, down to his last lie, why?
How many bodies you catch since your last video?
How many keys ‘a dope did you flip in your rhyme flow?
Save it for David;
When you said it, never gave it a second thought

...Fans bought the wolf ticket

… … ...

Who da lying king talkin' about his diamond ring
Flipping keys killing all his enemies please
All you do is write rhymes
This fronting with yours is makin it harder for mines
You Lyin King.



Rogan: Now, THAT is some powerful old school hip hop... Where’d you find that Redban?

Redban: That’s ‘Lyin' King’, by Nine.

Rogan: That dude is serious. What did you say his name was?

Rollz: Nine. That’s real shit, from the hood. Old school, real talk.

Rogan: Powerful. You know who I remember being like that? M.O.P!

Rollz: Stop it, that’s all me right there. Now these clowns that like Drake hear M.O.P on Pandora and hit skip. Talkin' about “them cats is too violent”. Them niggas is just too hard for me to listen to. Put Marvin’s Room back on!

Redban: Drake... wow, I still don’t understand how he’s famous...

Rollz: That dude was ROCKIN it on DeGassi yo... don’t get any more hood than that!

Rogan: Amazing how the kids eat that shit up though. It’s crazy. Everywhere you turn it’s Drake, or Kim Kardashian. Ridiculous.

Rollz: The suburbs move the market now. It’s not like it was before, it’s a market full of white kids who get their music pre-screened by their mothers, and who listen to the clean remixes from the wal mart music isle. The real heads are still listenin' to the real music though... it’s the same thing as alternative, or metal, or whatever it is you crush on.

Redban: The mainstream music industry is in the shitter right now, but there’s awesome stuff out there if you search around for it. And as far as hip hop goes, it’s not too hard to get past the Kanye West’s and Rick Ross’ of the world to get to something of substance, that doesn’t pander to the lowest common denominator.

Rollz: Or something that’s not so fuckin' offensive.

Rogan: Offensive?

Rollz: Yeah. Insulting.

Rogan: Insulting? Music? Like how?

Rollz: It’s not just music, my dude. It’s all of the glorification of the life. It’s insulting to my intelligence. My culture. My story. My struggle. My truth.

Rogan: Kind of like how some Italians get antsy watching Mafia movies.

Rollz: Exactly. Caricatures aren’t the same as characters. Rappers are actors... at least the rappers who want to be famous and rich. There are true artists out there who participate for the sake of participation, but any old head will tell you, when there’s a rapper in the room, watch your fuckin' mouth. Because any interesting story you tell will wind up in a freestyle, or in an album.

Rogan: Really?

Rollz: Come on man, of course. You think these cats are creative enough to come up with this shit? No no no. You ask any one of these motherfuckers, they will tell you they’re not livin' it, they’re just mirrors for the culture. First of all, it’s obvious to anyone with half a brain that these stories about flippin keys and shootouts and shit, it’s all nonsense. There’s no way these clowns are handling themselves like that, then doin' 6 shows a week. That’s fuckin retarded.

Rogan: Well, yeah. Of course, no one really believes it as true anymore.

Rollz: So second of all, not only are they not living it, but they’re not creating it either. The template was set in stone when you had Tupac and Biggie bringing the street life into hip hop.

Rogan: The greatest of all time.

Rollz: Absolutely, no question. But the mold was set when the consumerism set in, and the white kids started buying the records. See, in the hood, we knew it was a put-on. We knew Biggie wasn’t really... ‘sellin' weight’. It was an act. But we dug it, because it spoke to our lives, and there was like, an unspoken understanding between the street and the industry. He and a lot of other artists brought to light the struggle and the choices a lot of us HAD to make. But it was all tongue in cheek. We all knew it wasn’t really him handling the ratchet, or flying to Columbia. See, neither one of those two were hard. Him or Tupac. Neither one of those two even sold drugs, for real. Tupac never sold so much as a nickle bag, and Biggie was slinging dimes of coke while his pals kept him employed so they could listen to him rap on the corner. And that dude took all of his friends’ stories and their friends’ stories and crafted his image through words. That dude went to PRIVATE school Joe. His mother was a citizen. They weren’t poor. Tupac went to art school and studied what Bryan?

Redban: He studied drama, right?

Rollz: ACTING. Dude was a professional actor. He wasn’t a thug, a criminal or any of that shit. He crafted an image, and portrayed it so well that the kids in the suburbs bought into that shit. They bought the records not because they were buying stories and metaphors that PARALLELED real life, they thought they were buying REAL LIFE. They thought the shit was real. And as soon as they started lining the pockets of the Puffys and the Suge Knights of the world, of course they started parroting what the kids wanted to hear, so they could sell more records.

Rogan: Whoa... you just hit on something incredible. That’s not at all dissimilar to the way religion is set up, and how it’s been bastardized and taken literally, and how it’s lead to all these silly problems... wars, famines, prejudice, hatred, crusades, disease, the destruction of cultures.

Rollz: Exactly. It’s inevitable when a lie is sold to the masses, that chaos follows closely. And that’s where we are with pop culture, especially hip hop culture. In no other medium is the lie so blatant, so conscious, so insidious. Those who perpetrate the lie are as culpable as the real assholes out there selling coke to the single moms, and gettin' 12 year olds hooked on crack. But now we have an asshole in our locker room who wants to embody BOTH sides of that fucked up equation, and at the same time be taken as a serious threat. It’s laughable.

Rogan: There’s a lot of people though who want to sell an image. It’s fascinating, some of them really want to be what they’re not. Just because the music tells them to. Even when that image they’re selling is so fucking backwards and silly when you think about it. Why would you even want to aspire to be a soulless creature who profits off the misery of others. That’s like wanting to be Dick Cheney because he can kick a wicked rhyme flow... that’s the most ridiculous thing ever.

Redban: That’s even more ridiculous than someone trying to smoke some ooze?

Rogan: laughing] OK, so it’s the second most ridiculous thing ever.

Rollz: But here’s the bottom line Joe. This kid I’m fighting at the Pay Per View. Kid’s a rapper. Says he’s from the street. Says he’s been... “Sellin' Weight”. He’s even got an entourage of fake rappers and video hoes around him. It might be the most insulting, the most basic, unoriginal gimmick ever. And the fact that he has a gimmick, that’s whatever. He wants to stand out, he wants to be a star, he wants to get the attention of the office, that’s great. When you go out in front of the camera, anything goes, be whoever you want to be. Put a fuckin' dress on and suck cock on camera if that’ll get you over. It’s whatever.

But, when you start to represent where I came from. Start to bastardize my struggle, my obstacles, my life... when you start to portray the life as something that it’s not. When you do nothing but embody the rewards, but ignore the consequences of... “Sellin' Weight”, not only are you creating nothing more than a one dimensional caricature of what it really is to live that life, but you’re exploiting yourself and your people and the neighborhood you claim to be ‘representing’ in order to further your career, and line your pockets.

The motherfucker’s really no better than Tyler Perry in my opinion. Fraudulent, Fugazi, Uncle Tom ass house boy. Niggerizin his flow so the white kids will buy it up... cognizant of the fact that he’s dragging the image of his peers down with him.

Rogan: Sounds familiar...

Rollz: It is familiar Joe. Joe, don’t get me wrong bro, I made mistakes that I can never take back. I let myself down, my family down, and unfortunately I played into that angry gorilla image for way too long. But I never lied about myself, or exploited my misdeeds, or tried to monetize them. And I certainly didn’t get a hard on for the Kim Kardashian life.

Redban: I get a hard-on for Kim Kardashian.

Rollz: This Christian York kid epitomizes everything that’s wrong with popular culture. And in some ways, he personifies a lot of what’s wrong with our society. The fascination with materialism. The willful ignorance of how your actions affect those around you. Selfishness. Celebrity fetishism. I relish the chance to smash it, and him, into a million pieces in front of millions of people. I relish the opportunity to expose him as a fraud, as a wanna be, as just another bad rapper/actor. You might be able to get away with being a studio gangster in the record industry, but in this game, you can’t hide behind a microphone. Those fat fucks in your entourage can’t protect you. You can’t just rhyme about how tough you are, and have the brain dead masses eat it up.

No nigga... you have to stand in front of me, and look into my eyes... and PROVE it. You gotta back up your talk. I’ve been doin' that for thirty years. From the street to the ring, from the orphanage to the pen, from the cage to the yard. This kid ain’t got the heart for it. And I’m gonna show the world he ain’t got the heart for it. And you know how I’m gonna do that?

Rogan: No, but I can’t wait for it.

Rollz: Usually, when I punch a man in his chest... I’m trying to cave it in. I’m trying to stop his heart. But for Christian York? I want to invade his chest cavity. Penetrate past his rib cage, and rip out that still beating, limp heart of his. And while his lifeless eyes watch his soul escape his body... I’m going to drink it dry like a fuckin' Capri Sun. You know why?

Because I know for a fact his heart pumps Kool Ade... and beating the shit out of this clown for 20 minutes is gonna make me thirsty.

Rogan: Wow...

Redban: ….

Rollz: Yo what time is it? Feels like we’ve been here for a while.

Rogan: Yeah, you have to get back to Basito, right?

Rollz: Yeah, he only gave me an hour or so to do this, sorry to cut it short.

Rogan: No problem man, you wanna plug the PPV?

Rollz: Fear Itself. Available on Pay Per View. October 16th.

Redban: I can’t wait to see you destroy this York kid. I hate him already.

Rogan: Yeah, there’s nothing worse than a fake. OK, let’s wrap this up. Bryan, play some music while we walk our guest out, we’ll be right back!

Redban: OK, I think I found something appropriate...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tub7EoRBwO0#t=01m06s

Rogan: Ok we’re back.

Redban: Is he gone? Is his Audi out of the driveway?

Rogan: Yes Bryan. Ladies and gentlemen, Bryan was very uncomfortable during the last part of that interview.

Redban: You weren’t?

Rogan: No, he wasn’t mad at me.

Redban: You’re sitting further away from he is though, his eyes went dark there for a second. When he was talking about reaching into that guy’s chest, that wasn’t just him talking shit, Joe, there’s something dark in that guy.

Rogan: Of course there is, people don’t fight for a living because they’re debutantes. He’s a real dude, and he’s pissed, and he has every right to be.

Redban: Yeah, he has a right to be pissed, but I don’t want to be in the same room as him when he explodes.

Rogan: Yeah man, that dude, I love him, he’s a nice guy 99% of the time, it’s that 1% though... he gets on that pain train and there’s no stoppin it. No brakes... once he’s flipped that switch, it’s over. Just make sure you’re not on the tracks when he decides to let that demon out brother.

Redban: I think that describes it perfectly, that’s what I was looking at. He brought it to the surface, I’ve never been around him when he’s been like that. And working in the UFC I’m sure you’re around that all the time, but I’m not. That’s a little scary.

Rogan: He’s such a nice guy, so silly when he lets himself be. You have nothing to worry about... you’re his friend, Bryan. Christian York on the other hand...

Redban: Yeah, I don’t have any sympathy for that dude, sounds like he’s bringing all this negative energy onto himself, but man...

The podcast continues, but not for us... we simply fade to black...

I
Fuck with your soul like ether
Will
Teach you the king who know you
Not
God’s Son across the belly
Lose
I’ll prove you lost already



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