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| Super Mario Universe; The Fan Fiction. | |
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| Topic Started: Tuesday Dec 20 2005, 05:30 AM (212 Views) | |
| Turbo | Tuesday Dec 20 2005, 05:30 AM Post #1 |
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Posted Image Chapter 1 - Trouble In The Mushroom Kingdom. It was a normal day, just like any other day. The sun would rise, the sun would go down. The moon would shine at night, the moon would rest in the day. But, when morning came. Something odd was about to happen. “Mail delivery!” yelled Parakarry. Mario looked out the window to see Parakarry putting mail, into his mailbox. After Parakarry left, he walked outside and got the mail. He sat down at the table and went through the mail. As going through the mail he came across a letter that was pure black. He looked puzzled as he opened it, there was a piece of paper inside, it read like this : “Hello, Mario. Long time no see, I bet you can’t guess who this is. *evil laughter* Anyway, I’ve kidnapped the Princess. If you ever wish to see her again, come to the Princesses castle. I’ll see you there.” - Anonymous. He put the letter down on the table and thought to himself. “Who could this be?” He pondered. “I know it can’t be Bowser, because he don’t know how to write letters or even write for that matter,” he said. “On top of that, the envelope was pure black, as if it came from the shadows,” he wondered. “Wait, that’s it!” He exclaimed. Mario quickly runs out the door, and jumps on the pipe, that leads to Mushroom Kingdom. He goes down the pipe, and comes out at Mushroom Kingdom. But, as he comes out. He pauses, and looks around. The whole area is covered in darkness, no one to be seen or heard. He jumps off the pipe and begins walking along the path, to Peach’s castle. As he continues walking along the path, he notices something. He sees a little black ball, and he picks it up. He begins to stare at it. As he stares a strange feeling comes over him, he looks at the hand that the ball is in. It’s begins to turn black. As he continues to stare his whole body is starting to turn black, he throws the ball off into the distance. “What the heck was that thing? It felt like I was being consumed by darkness,” he said. He looks off into the distance and sees the castle ahead, he walks along the path until he reaches the castle. He walks up to the castle door, it’s pure black. “Whoever did this, must be obsessed with black, darkness, or shadows,” he said. He pushes the door open, only to see the Princess standing there looking down at the ground. He looks around, but nothing is here but the Princess herself. Then the Princess lifts her head and opens her eyes, there pure black, she begins to speak. “Glad you could make it Mario, I was waiting for your arrival.” Peach said. Then, out from behind the Princess comes a shadowy figure. The Princess falls to the ground, she’s knocked out. Mario looks at the figure and says. “Who are you?” Mario questions. “My name?” The shadow figure asks. There is a quick pause in the castle. “My name is...Dark!” The figure yells. |
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Mario, also known as Super Mario and originally Jumpman, in Japan, is a video game character created by Shigeru Miyamoto for Nintendo. He is one of Nintendo's best-known characters, and is the best-known video game icon in history, appearing in hundreds of games, many of them bestsellers. Mario first appeared in the 1981 Donkey Kong arcade game. The Mario franchise has, as of September 2005, sold 184 million games, making it by far the biggest selling franchise in the history of video games. | |
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| Squirrel | Tuesday Dec 20 2005, 06:56 AM Post #2 |
Black and proud american!
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Nice.....just try to make it a bit longer next time. You also made a good character in Dark too. I wanna know where this goes! |
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Borders. Language. Culture. http://www.michaelsavage.com Squirrel, The orignation of innovation! | |
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| Turbo | Tuesday Dec 20 2005, 07:00 AM Post #3 |
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Yeah, I would have made it a bit longer, but I wanted to see what kinds of reviews I got first. Thanks, for your complements. :) |
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Mario, also known as Super Mario and originally Jumpman, in Japan, is a video game character created by Shigeru Miyamoto for Nintendo. He is one of Nintendo's best-known characters, and is the best-known video game icon in history, appearing in hundreds of games, many of them bestsellers. Mario first appeared in the 1981 Donkey Kong arcade game. The Mario franchise has, as of September 2005, sold 184 million games, making it by far the biggest selling franchise in the history of video games. | |
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| Squirrel | Tuesday Dec 20 2005, 09:16 AM Post #4 |
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Black and proud american!
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I hope Shigeru Miyamoto is looking at this thread....might give him some ideas about the next big super mario adventure.... |
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Borders. Language. Culture. http://www.michaelsavage.com Squirrel, The orignation of innovation! | |
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| Turbo | Tuesday Dec 20 2005, 10:17 PM Post #5 |
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Posted Image Chapter 2 - Dark’s Mysterious Origin. “Names Dark, eh? You look some what like Shadow Mario, just in a different form.” Mario said. “You remember back when you were back on the Isle of Delfino? Cleaning up the mess that Baby Bowser had created?” He questioned. “Yes, I remember it clearly, I got jailed because of that ignorant koopa.” Mario said, with a bit of frustration in his voice. “Well, if you can also recall that mask he was wearing? That mask he wore was me,” he said. “That mask couldn’t have been you, because you’re made of pure darkness. If the mask had been you, Baby Bowser would have been pure black.” Mario said. “True, but he used that stupid paint brush to recolor himself, so no darkness would show. After you had defeated him and his father Bowser. Baby Bowser threw away the mask, because he thought it was a waste. So, he threw the mask into some place called Rogueport, he threw it in the sewers. Then, as the mask floated through the sewer it was picked up by someone, that certain person almost sacrificed the mask to a 1,000 year old demon called The Shadow Queen. But, the weird thing is. When the mask was about to be sacrificed, The Shadow Queen wouldn’t take it. But, as to how I came to around. The Shadow Queen touched the mask with her finger and she put dark energies into it, then that’s how I came to be. After I was made, I was nameless, also no purpose in life. She named me Dark, and she gave me a purpose. She told me my purpose was to destroy you, because you had defeated her,” he said. “You know, you can always rebel against the creator and live a happy life amongst the inhabitants of The Mushroom Kingdom.” Mario said. “I’m afraid the darkness won’t allow me to do that. Besides, it’ll be fun making your life a miserable heck,” he said. “Just answer me two questions. Why, use the Princess? Also, why is land and the sky dark around here?” Mario questioned. “I’m using the Princess because she’s a good vessel for the shadows. Where ever I step foot, the ground and the skies turn to darkness, I’m afraid it’s just a great gift I have,” he said, with a smirk on his face. "No, don’t use the Princess. Use me instead.” Mario pleaded. “Never, if I used your body, that wouldn’t inflict suffering upon you. Where as, if I use the Princess. It’ll inflict much more than suffering, it’ll inflict pain too. Because, you love her so much. Don’t you?” He questioned. Mario looks down toward the ground, he says nothing. “Don’t you?!” Dark yells. Mario looks up at the Princess. “Yes, I do.” Mario says, in a small voice. “Aha, that’s what I thought. You love her so dearly, you’d sacrifice yourself for her. Just as I expected, I knew I could believe The Shadow Queen. She told me about your love for the Princess. She was right, now if you don’t mind. I have to make a few stops in certain towns," he said. Dark picks up the Princess and jumps threw the castle roof, with Mario watching. He walks out the castle, and begins to walk along the path home. As he walks, he questions himself. “What am I gonna do? I’m dealing with my biggest foe every, even bigger than Smithy and The Shadow Queen combined.” Mario questioned. As he talk to himself, he makes to the pipe that leads back to his house, he jumps onto the pipe. But, before he goes down it. He turns around and looks at the castle. Memories of him and Peach begin to flood his mind. He remembers all the parties they’ve had. He remembers all the times he’s saved her and would take her back to her castle. As Peach is in his mind, he gets a tear in his eye, and goes down the pipe back home. |
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Mario, also known as Super Mario and originally Jumpman, in Japan, is a video game character created by Shigeru Miyamoto for Nintendo. He is one of Nintendo's best-known characters, and is the best-known video game icon in history, appearing in hundreds of games, many of them bestsellers. Mario first appeared in the 1981 Donkey Kong arcade game. The Mario franchise has, as of September 2005, sold 184 million games, making it by far the biggest selling franchise in the history of video games. | |
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| Neo | Tuesday Dec 20 2005, 10:50 PM Post #6 |
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Admin Neo/Resident Therapist
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aww good story so far Mario! ^__^ please write more, i'd love to see what happens next and how Darkness is defeated, and how Mario deals with his sadness. |
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want a website? PM me and i'll try to make you one! ^__^ that does NOT include me searching around for a week trying to find webhosts to fit your specific needs...i only do the coding. if you want to take a look at some of my handiwork before you decide, go to My journal and let me know what you think! i made most of it by myself. | |
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| Turbo | Tuesday Dec 20 2005, 10:52 PM Post #7 |
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I would write more, but I'm afraid if I did. The story would have less chapters. Unless, I can get some real good ideas going. B) |
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Mario, also known as Super Mario and originally Jumpman, in Japan, is a video game character created by Shigeru Miyamoto for Nintendo. He is one of Nintendo's best-known characters, and is the best-known video game icon in history, appearing in hundreds of games, many of them bestsellers. Mario first appeared in the 1981 Donkey Kong arcade game. The Mario franchise has, as of September 2005, sold 184 million games, making it by far the biggest selling franchise in the history of video games. | |
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| Turbo | Wednesday Jan 11 2006, 08:27 PM Post #8 |
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Posted Image Chapter 3 - The Plan. As Mario comes out of the pipe, he arrives at his home. He walks slowly toward the door with his head hung and opens the door. He looks up and sees Luigi sitting at the table drinking Mushroom Juice. Mario begins to walk past him, but before he does Luigi asks him a question. "Hey, Bro. Where have you been? Why do you look down?" Luigi asked. Mario looks at him. "Something complicated. It involves Peach and my biggest rival enemy yet," he answers. Luigi looks at him puzzled. "Look, just don't worry about it. I'll be in our room, I gotta look for something." He said. Mario walks past him, and walks in their room and closes the door. Luigi looks down at his Mushroom Juice. "I've never seen Mario this down before, something has to be up. I'll ask him later." Luigi said. As he begins to drink more of his Mushroom Juice. Mario starts moving stuff around looking for something, as he begins to move stuff. He finds a shoe box, he takes the top off and looks inside. He finds pictures of him and Peach from their previous adventures. He takes out the pictures and begin to shuffle through them. Till he finds a certain one and he stares at it. It's a picture of when the Shadow Queen had captured Peach and the Queen used her as a vessel. Then Mario remembers something. "Wait...I think I just got a plan. I remember when the Queen had used Peach. But, Peach was able to conquer the shadows. That's it!" He exclaims. "But, before I go," he says. Mario stops by his closet, and he takes out different clothes. It's his uniform from Super Mario Strikers. "I have a hunch I'll be need thing, because I have a feeling I'm gonna be moving around alot." He said. Mario opens up the door and walks past Luigi and opens the front door and goes out. Luigi looks puzzled. "What the heck? He comes in all down, now he wants to play soccer. Weirdo. Luigi says." He drinks more Mushroom Juice. Mario stops before the enters the pipe. "The question is, where can Dark and Peach be?" He asks himself. "Wait...in our last conversation. I remember him talking about the mask and the Queen. That's it! He's in Rogueport," he exclaims. Mario jumps down the pipe, and comes out at a harbor. He searches for a boat and spots one. He asks the owner if he'll take him to Rogueport. The owner nod his head and off to Rogueport they go. Darkness falls, and Mario is outside on the deck. He looks at the crystal blue water with the moons reflection on it. He looks up at the moon. "That moon is beautiful, if only Peach were to see it. I can remember we'd always look at the moon...but not this time." He says. He hangs his head. Mario heads back to his quarters and lays on the bed and begins to sleep. A few minutes later the captain begins to yell. "Wake up, lad. We've got trouble!" The Captain yells. Mario hears the captain yelling and wakes up and runs out. He asks the captain what is wrong and the captain points off in the distance. Mario walks to the edge of the front deck and looks. He sees Dark and Peach. Mario yells at the captain to go faster. The Captain shakes his head. "We're being held back back shadows." The Captain says. Mario runs to the back deck and sees shadows holding onto the ship. "Screw this, I'm not being held back like this." Mario says in a angery voice. Mario puts his hands together and closes his eyes. Then all of a sudden, a fireball begins to form in his hands. He shoots the fireball at the shadows and the shadows let go. "Way to go, lad. We can move faster now." The Captain says with excitement. As the ship begins to move faster, Mario runs to the edge of the front deck. He sees Dark carrying Peach into the town. He closes his eyes and puts his hands together and focuses really hard. He has a huge fireball in his hand. He shoots it from the distance of the boat. The fireball travels over the water and hits Dark in the head. He feels the fire and yells. Dark puts Peach down and turns around and they make eye contact. He sees flames in Mario's eyes. Flames of determination. "Dang it, it's that plumber. He thinks he can take me. Not while I have the Princess. He won't touch me. Since he's shooting stuff at me. I'll play along." Dark says. He puts his hands together and a dark orb forms and he shoots it. Mario dodges it, but it hits the captain. The captain is knocked out. Mario runs over and bends down and sees the captain knocked out. He jumps off the ship and swims for the shore. Dark sees him coming, he forms another orb and shoots it. Mario dives underwater. Dark begins to shoot numerous orbs. Mario is underwater dodging them. "Man, if he keeps this up. He'll knock me out some how. I'll have to give it everything I got. Adrenaline will keep me in this fight. I'll have to go to extremes there's nothing in between. I have no choice." He says in his mind. Mario dives deeper, Dark watches the water and sees no life. "Finally, I've done it. I've got rid of that dumb plumber!" He yells with excitement. As she's tied up, Peach looks at the water and a tear comes to her eye. But, then she watches real carefully. She sees light coming up from the water. Mario rises from the water and the area is filled with light. Dark feels the light and turns around. They make eye contact. "Dark, you've held Peach for long enough. I'm afraid this is as far as you go." He says with a furious voice. He throws the massive fireball, but Dark isn't moving. The fireball is traveling toward him, he puts Peach down. He holds out his hand and shoots a orb into the fireball. The fireball has vanished. Mario looks on with amazement. Dark brings back the fireball from his hand and shoots it back. Mario dives down as fast as he can. The fireball flies over his head. As the fireball passes Mario. The fireball explodes the explosion is heard in town. Dark looks at the water and sees no sign of life. "This time, I know he's dead." He says as he picks Peach back up. As Mario is underwater, he dives back up to the surface for air, he sees Dark carrying Peach into town. He begins to swim toward the shore, but with a surprised look on his face. |
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Mario, also known as Super Mario and originally Jumpman, in Japan, is a video game character created by Shigeru Miyamoto for Nintendo. He is one of Nintendo's best-known characters, and is the best-known video game icon in history, appearing in hundreds of games, many of them bestsellers. Mario first appeared in the 1981 Donkey Kong arcade game. The Mario franchise has, as of September 2005, sold 184 million games, making it by far the biggest selling franchise in the history of video games. | |
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| Neo | Wednesday Jan 11 2006, 09:41 PM Post #9 |
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Admin Neo/Resident Therapist
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ooh, very nicey written! ^_^ there are a few grammatical errors here and there, but everyone gets those. I like the direction this is taking, i'll be watching for more updates! ^__^ good job! |
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want a website? PM me and i'll try to make you one! ^__^ that does NOT include me searching around for a week trying to find webhosts to fit your specific needs...i only do the coding. if you want to take a look at some of my handiwork before you decide, go to My journal and let me know what you think! i made most of it by myself. | |
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| Pyt_Penguin | Wednesday Jan 11 2006, 09:59 PM Post #10 |
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Oooh, fan fiction. Criticism time ^_____^ (Please don't take it too harshly, by the way.) Well, you do have a nice li'l plot going. And a good original character in the form of Mr. I-Talk-In-Purple. Which is nice, because if all fanfics were based solely off canon, their scope would be a lot more limited. No problems as far as story and characterisation go. Now, I'm going to nitpick on grammar because I'm an annoying prick like that. Firstly, tenses. You know about those things, right? For the most part, your story flows quite well, but it keeps skipping between past and present tense. Example from the last chapter you just posted: You've got a line of dialogue which Mario exclaims (the present form of the verb "to exclaim"). However, right after that, you have something which Mario said. "Said" is the past form of the verb "to say" - so you've skipped tenses there, which is baaaaaad. There are several more instances of this, which you could have spotted before posting if you proofread this first. Stick to one tense throughout your story, and it'll look that much more pretty. If you're wondering which to adhere to, there's no problem with either (providing you keep to it, obviously). I tend to go with present for more action-oriented stories, while past is much more common. It's up to you. Secondly, punctuation. So you're using shiny colours instead of speech marks for your dialogue. There's nothing inherently wrong about that, unless your reader is colour-blind or something. However, the punctuation in and around the dialogue should still be the same as it would be if there were speech marks, to make things easier to read. Like this: "I think you are very gay." He said. This is wrong; the "h" shouldn't be capitalised, and the first full stop/period (so I'm English, don't kill me please 0_o) should be a comma because it isn't the end of the sentence. "I think you are very gay," he said. This is... right! Cha-ching! What I'd suggest to prevent extra full stops/periods finding their way into your work is to read your writing aloud (you'll look stupid, but no matter!) and pause for about 5 seconds after EVERY full stop/period. If you've got all of them in the right place, it won't actually sound too bad. If you have excessive ones, then you'll sound like Yuna from Final Fantasy X, and that's a sign that you need to get rid of some. Thirdly (and finally, 'cause it's late), you DON'T need to add "____ said" to every little bit of speech! Especially since you have your prettyful colours which already tell us who's speaking without any names being mentioned. In fact, I don't think you ever have to put anything next to the dialogue at all, unless you need to convey a certain tone which isn't already obvious from the wording. Every time you stick "____ said" in the middle of a conversation, it's basically a gap in the storytelling - too many gaps, and it grinds to a halt. Uhhh... and there's more. But I don't want to type any more, 'cause it's late. If I get carpal tunnel syndrome from this, it's all YOUR fault, y'hear? Oh, and I think I should add: I don't think your fic is a bad one at all, especially for a first attempt (which I assume it is). At least the author can actually spell, as opposed to at least three-quarters of the drooling fanfic writers out there. |
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- Ignorant Bastards and Knights of the Randomness - At KotR, phailure is not an option. It's a way of life. | |
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| Turbo | Thursday Jan 12 2006, 12:13 AM Post #11 |
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Thanks for critism, PYT. I think I've edited everything to your likeing. ;) |
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Mario, also known as Super Mario and originally Jumpman, in Japan, is a video game character created by Shigeru Miyamoto for Nintendo. He is one of Nintendo's best-known characters, and is the best-known video game icon in history, appearing in hundreds of games, many of them bestsellers. Mario first appeared in the 1981 Donkey Kong arcade game. The Mario franchise has, as of September 2005, sold 184 million games, making it by far the biggest selling franchise in the history of video games. | |
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| Pyt_Penguin | Thursday Jan 12 2006, 08:01 AM Post #12 |
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Neh... >< I didn't say get rid of the colours! The colours are prettyful ;-; I just said fix your punctuation, which you haven't done. |
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- Ignorant Bastards and Knights of the Randomness - At KotR, phailure is not an option. It's a way of life. | |
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| Turbo | Thursday Jan 12 2006, 01:20 PM Post #13 |
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Ok, NOW everything should be fixed. -_- |
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Mario, also known as Super Mario and originally Jumpman, in Japan, is a video game character created by Shigeru Miyamoto for Nintendo. He is one of Nintendo's best-known characters, and is the best-known video game icon in history, appearing in hundreds of games, many of them bestsellers. Mario first appeared in the 1981 Donkey Kong arcade game. The Mario franchise has, as of September 2005, sold 184 million games, making it by far the biggest selling franchise in the history of video games. | |
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| Pyt_Penguin | Thursday Jan 12 2006, 04:23 PM Post #14 |
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*sigh* Try reading my post this time. I said to fix the punctuation in and around the dialogue. I said nothing about the speech marks (or lack thereof) themselves. But no matter... You don't have to go through a post editing everything just 'cause someone critiques your grammar, you just need to look out for it in the future... |
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- Ignorant Bastards and Knights of the Randomness - At KotR, phailure is not an option. It's a way of life. | |
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| Turbo | Thursday Jan 12 2006, 07:24 PM Post #15 |
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I've read your post and I changed my punctuation. If not I give up, literally. |
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Mario, also known as Super Mario and originally Jumpman, in Japan, is a video game character created by Shigeru Miyamoto for Nintendo. He is one of Nintendo's best-known characters, and is the best-known video game icon in history, appearing in hundreds of games, many of them bestsellers. Mario first appeared in the 1981 Donkey Kong arcade game. The Mario franchise has, as of September 2005, sold 184 million games, making it by far the biggest selling franchise in the history of video games. | |
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| Pyt_Penguin | Thursday Jan 12 2006, 09:52 PM Post #16 |
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Don't bother editing next time. It's not worth it. |
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- Ignorant Bastards and Knights of the Randomness - At KotR, phailure is not an option. It's a way of life. | |
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4:28 AM Nov 26
