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Transformers movies keep finding ways to piss me off.; lulz spoilers
Topic Started: Jun 27 2009, 05:47:47 PM (1,176 Views)
Daloth
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I saw it.

It was too long.

Decepticon SCUBA trying to rape Sam, wtf?

All Spark, I won't even speak of this because of the first movie.



Onto a higher, better, note.

Who here thinks a Beast Wars movie would be good? NO humans that way, just cheetor, Rat-Trap, Rhynox, and Dinobot would be badass I feel
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Tornado Kirby
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As long as they don't add any more "negroid" accented transformers. An asian engrish-speaking one might be funny, though.

For a movie about as long as my beloved The Dark Knight, it's nowhere nearly as good.
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Frankystein Mark II
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Daloth
Jun 29 2009, 12:14:27 PM
I saw it.

It was too long.

Decepticon SCUBA trying to rape Sam, wtf?

All Spark, I won't even speak of this because of the first movie.



Onto a higher, better, note.

Who here thinks a Beast Wars movie would be good? NO humans that way, just cheetor, Rat-Trap, Rhynox, and Dinobot would be badass I feel
Beast Wars movie would be FUCKING EPIC AS ALL HELL if done correctly.

BUT, they never will make one, and if they do, it'll be bad as Hell. Like Beast Machines.
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Daloth
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never ever speak of beast machines in my presence. please. it hurts my mind and wounds my soul all over again
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Stone Kirby
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...Yeah, I can't see a Beast Wars movie working out particularly well. >_>
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Roope-Setä
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Okay, I've seen the thing.

Where to start...

Well, it was boring. No, boooring. No, even worse: booooooooooriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnng.

First half:
- a couple seconds of badly directed showdown in China
- army guys arguing with government guy
- Sam's mom being a pain in the ass
- Megan Fox showing how much of a slut she is, as in her first scene she's already showing off her butt in a calendar-like pose
- evil satellite with the shittiest voice actor ever (FYI, it's the same fool who did the voice acting for Narnia 1's Aslan and, God, he can't even fucking speak Italian! Why the holy cock are they using VAs who can't speak the language the movie is in??)
- Sam goes to college, her mom makes me want to murder someone and so do his roommates
- holy fucking fuck, what kind of shitty security system did they have to let a tinybot steal their precious Whatsitcalled-thingy?
- Megatron and his master, The Fallen, find it necessary to quote Darth Vader and Palpatine in a crappy and overdramatic master-and-apprentice speech
- Sam has a seizure in class, his slutty girlfriend tortures a tiny dumbot, a human-like robot rapes Sam, and he and Megan Fox escape along with Bumblebee, the unnecessary roommate and the not-so-comic relief niggabots, which I already hate with a passion
- HOLY FUCK AT LAST THERE'S SOME FIGHTING!! I've been waiting for this stuff for an hour and...wait, it's over already? Screw you Michael Bay.

Second Half:
- The Fallen announces himself to the world and the world is hardly even surprised (Sam's parents are happily eating snails in Paris while TF announces he wants their son's head for fuck's sake)
- latino roommate challenges the niggabots at who's the more annoying, which ends up in a tie
- Soundwave phones Sam's mom to ask her where her son is (WUT)
- army guys vs government guy take two
- surprise surprise! The return of Dorky Kong from movie#1! Raise your hand if you missed him! *sticks his hands under his butt*
- Robotech-or-whaddafuck-is-his-sites-name surprisingly knows EVERYTHING about robots coming to Earth ages ago, and he knows the symbols am keeps drawing everywhere, too. Deus-ex-machina part one.
- Holy **** on a **** sandwich with **** on top! An old geezerbot! And a senile one, too! So he tells Sam & co about the Primes dying to seal off the Matrix-thingy (so how exactly is Optimus their descendant?) while tiny dumbot fucks Megan Fox's leg until Sam kicks it in the balls (because robots have balls, obviously)
- one warp later and they're all in Egypt--Bumblebee and the annoying racist stereotypebots too! Senilebot sends Sam & co somewhere saying they might be able to resurrect Optimus
- meanwhile, a Decepticon has captured Sam's annoying parents, not that anyone cares about this shit anymore
- through a succession of Da Vinci Code-style revelations (the "Hey! Jesus has a beard! It obviously means Judas was a virgin!" kind) we learn that the Matrix is hidden somewhere near the Pyramids
- Megan Fox is butthurt 'cos Sam won't tell her he loves her, and Sam is butthurt because Optimus is dead and I'm butthurt because I spent €7.70 (~$10) to see this shitty soap opera of a movie
- army guys drop government guy somewhere in Egypt and take Optimus' carcass along with them so a teenager with seizures can revive it
- red niggabot is almost eaten by giant evilbot but, unfortunately, survives
- Dicky Dick (you know, the Robosomething-webmaster) pulls Deus-ex-machina number two by having a conveniently nearby ship fire a conveniently ultimate weapon against giant evilbot
- Sam is reunited with momma and pops, who have now switched roles and dad is the current clingy one
- Sam dies, but Megan Fox telling him she loves him triggers Deus-ex-machina number three, where the deceased Primes tell him resurrecting Optimus was his fate all along, and he revives WITH THE HELP OF KYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYOJI, while his parents (who had escaped but are now back to add drama) freak out
- The Fallen, who is now officially Palpatine, uses The Force to throw boulders against choppers, and Force Pushes the tanks away
- Optimus is back, and senilebot suicides to give out his parts, so Optimus can turn into Autobot-03 Dendrobium Orchis and beat the shit out of Vader and Palpatine
- the end

Holy shit was that movie bad.

Megan Fox, or rather, Faux, I mean, why the hell did she take surgery at 23? And she was already good-looking before! Anyway, she is pretty much useless, as is the whole cast.
A whole cast of useless annoyances thrown at random inside a poor excuse a plot to justify giant robots punching each other.

Shia LaBeouf, I have nothing against. I didn't mind him in Trasformers 1 or Indiana Jones 4. I even liked him in Constantine. What I demand to know is, is it even possible to act worse at 23 than back when he was 17 or so (Constantine)? Perhaps he has problems playing anything other than the brat-sidekick? Then he should, by all means, play the brat-sidekick.

Is Michael Bay sexually repressed? No, I mean, the movie is filled with sexual innuendo. Sam's dogs fucking each other. Giant evilbot's "balls". Tiny dumbot fucking Megan Fox's leg. Any scene with evil girlbot or Megan Fox.
There's more sexual references here than in the whole American Pie series! Perhaps Bay was raped as a child? His dad molested him or something?

...okay, I'm too tired to keep typing (3:30 AM here) so I'll just end it here.
· · · PAINU VITTUUN!! · · ·
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Stone Kirby
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I just hope the action is good at this point. >_>
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Dickhead
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I misread "TF announces" as "TF announcer" at first.
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Concrete Man
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Quote:
 
Is Michael Bay sexually repressed? No, I mean, the movie is filled with sexual innuendo. Sam's dogs fucking each other. Giant evilbot's "balls". Tiny dumbot fucking Megan Fox's leg.


The most pathetic part is that those scenes are obviously intended to be funny.

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Shia LaBeouf, I have nothing against. I didn't mind him in Trasformers 1 or Indiana Jones 4. I even liked him in Constantine. What I demand to know is, is it even possible to act worse at 23 than back when he was 17 or so (Constantine)? Perhaps he has problems playing anything other than the brat-sidekick? Then he should, by all means, play the brat-sidekick.


Give him some credit, he didn't exactly have much to work with here. He was probably depressed/conflicted about the whole thing, surely he realizes how shitty of a movie it was and didn't want to put such a huge black mark on his career, but in the end, simply couldn't say no to the money (and I guess Megan Fox).

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I just hope the action is good at this point. >_>


The actual fight scenes and special effects are decent enough, but trust me, it's still not worth your money, there's rly not even very much actual fighting in the movie. It's like maybe ten minutes of halfway decent entertainment lightly sprinkled throughout two and a half hours of overall shit.
And theres nothing you can do about it--Fersnachi
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Jeff
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"Batman-" "Bat-Turian." "Whatever."

I honestly don't know why people are expecting anything from a Michael Bay movie about a franchise of toys.
btw you're all banned
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Concrete Man
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Like I said, the first one of these was moderately entertaining. I didn't mind sitting through it, it was quickly forgotten, but I didn't have too many complaints about it either.

This, on the other hand. I expect better than this, even from Michael Bay. Plus, it's not just "a franchise of toys," as if it's some random crap we've never heard of. It's Transformers! And he butchered it!
And theres nothing you can do about it--Fersnachi
i am a master of this game--Plastic_People
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Frankystein Mark II
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The original movie from 1984 will always be the best Transformers movie ever made, even with all the killing of old characters because their toys were retired to add new characters with new toys.

Because HOLY SHIT it was still fucking epic. Megatron and Optimus battle, Starscream tossing out Megatron, only to be killed in revenge when he returns as Galvatron, Unicron fucking all kinds of shit up hardcore, the Quints and their "legal system" of tossing robots into pits to be eaten, the Junkions, the whole battle inside and out of Unicron, and the final, epic moment of THE TOUCH while Rodimus uses the Matrix to destroy Unicron from within.

And, you know, the one character who could actually pass for a black guy (Jazz) was nowhere near being a black stereotype, because THEY KNEW HOW TO TREAT JAZZ WITH FUCKING RESPECT.

Sadly, though, his VA died and they basically wrote him out in the third season of the TV show... he was one of the few old characters to survive, and it seemed like he'd play an even bigger role in season 3, much like Perceptor.
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Deprece
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http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/smg-transformers-10-questions.html
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Frankystein Mark II
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Number 5 shows that the guy who wrote this didn't do his research, as he doesn't know about Pretenders, which had its own toy line, was in the comics and were in anime.

Number 6 is the same way, as the comics state that Transformers originally reproduced via budding, so they asexually reproduced. It became a big plot point later on, and it was a deal with the Swarm which may have evolved into the Vok in Beast Wars.

Since Sam apparently is THE CHOSEN ONE and has the Matrix, 9 can be explained by him having a vision because of the Matrix. This was seen in season 3 of the G1 cartoon.
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Roope-Setä
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Here's a lulzy, if spoilerous, review.
Enjoy, or die trying.

http://sirgregamusdalbus.blogspot.com/2009/06/transformers-2-review.html
Edited by Roope-Setä, Jul 2 2009, 08:05:29 PM.
· · · PAINU VITTUUN!! · · ·
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