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Incredible Dong Adventure vs. Sarge
Topic Started: Mar 12 2014, 08:36 AM (49 Views)
NWOWWE
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Red vs. Blue PSA: White-out is not a Paint


Simmons: Hi, I'm Private Simmons from the popular Web series Red vs. Blue.

Church: And I'm Private Church, and today we'll be going over the does and don'ts of ARC competitions.

Simmons: But Church, I don't know anything about ARC. what are they?

Church: Eh, just a small group of guys who make pretend robots because they can't afford to build real ones.

Simmons: Why are you insulting them? Aren't they paying us money to plug their website?

Church: Yeah but not very much, so fuck 'em.

Simmons: Anyway... Building an ARC bot can be a lot of fun as long as you have the proper programs and a modest amount of artistic talent.

Church: Or you can just beg one of the few ACTUALLY talented people there to do it for you.

Simmons: Right. To help us illustrate the process we'll turn it over to Sarge who will be building a bot for us.

Chruch: He does know megaton bombs are illegal in this competition right?

Simmons [quickly]: Take it away Sarge!

--------

Sarge: Greetings dirtbags, today you'll be learning how to build a fully functional lifter bot. You'll just need some everyday household items: Some aluminum plating, small wheels, spare electrical wires, duct tape, either plutonium or cobalt thorium g, An Intel Pentium 4 processor or better, and of course some 9 Volt batteries. Those you'll probably have to go out and buy since no one ever seems to have them lying around. Now we can start combing them into our robot! Kids get your parents help when working with a welder!

[Title Card: 2 Hours Later]

Sarge: And presto! We have our bot!

Simmons: Well almost Sarge. But you forgot the most fun part: painting!

Sarge: Of course you're right Simmons. Fortunately I've have plenty of paint left over from our last Base renovation!

[Sarge walks over to a large stack of Red colored Lead Paint]

[Title Card: 2 Hours Later]

Chuch: How in the hell did it take you 2 hours to paint that little thing when you only used one color.

Sarge: I had to spend some time on a heroic self portrait!

Chruch: That's not you! That's the Master Chief photoshopped to look Red!

Simmons: Uhh... Moving on. It's time to bring on your opponent! An entry from Grif!

[Cut to Incredible Dong Adventure]

Church: What the hell is that? It doesn't even have clearly defined lines! That doesn't seem physically possible.

Sarge: Leave it to Grif to be too lazy to even follow the laws of reality. Time to dispatch that monstrosity with extreme prejudice! CHARGE!

Simmons: Not so fast Sarge. See on ARC they don't actually fight. They submit strategies and a writing staff decides the result.

Church [sarcastically]: Oh yeah. There's no way that's not on the up and up.

Sarge: Wait no actual fighting? But I spent so much time constructing the perfect tool of destruction!

Simmons: Don't worry, someone with your years of combat leadership experience should still do just fine!

Sarge: Okay. My plan will be to ram under him with my bots lifter and slam him around into the hazards.

Simmons: Careful sir. Grif may be lazy, but he did steal some of the better motors for his bot so it can move pretty quickly I'd recommend keeping an eye out for that.

Sarge: Hmm, good thinking Simmons. Fortunately his weapon looks completely ineffective so even if he does get lucky there's not much he can do to my machine. Plus, if I can flip him over he's pretty much dead in the water! So do what I do best! Attack and show no mercy! Flip him over, ram him into stuff! Don't let him get away from my lifter. So do I win?

Simmons: We'll have to wait for the judges to decide, but I think you're in good shape sir!

Church: Way to be impartial Simmons. I hope you're not on the staff.

Simmons: Well that's all the time we have for today. Happy Building everyone.

[Sarge is running around in the background chasing Incredible Dong Adventure and trying to shoot it with his shotgun]
Area51Escapee,Jan 30 2011
01:27 AM
Spatula,Jan 29 2011
11:32 PM
I should go 3-1 this week but it'll probably be something like 0-4 or 0-5.

It sucks going 0-5. You lose all 4 of your bot fights for the week and you also lose at life.
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V900
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>hot
>spicy
>nuts
Edited by V900, Mar 15 2014, 10:54 PM.
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