| We hope you enjoy your visit! You're currently viewing Catholic CyberForum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our online cyberparish, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free. Join our community! Messages posted to this board must be polite and free of abuse, personal attacks, blasphemy, racism, threats, harasment, and crude or sexually-explicit language. If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features: |
| Jokes (any Sort That Won't Upset Good Catholics) | |
|---|---|
| Topic Started: Friday, 6. October 2006, 20:04 (7,926 Views) | |
| Mairtin | Saturday, 3. October 2009, 18:36 Post #481 |
|
Special joke for Deacon Robert who's been talking about pirates in another thread. A pirate came into the pub and ordered a drink; he had a wooden leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and an eyepatch. "What happened your leg?" asked the barman. "Blown off by a cannonball when we were attacking a ship" replied the pirate. "What happened your arm?" asked the barman. "Cut off by a sabre when we were boarding the ship" replied the pirate. "What happened your eye then?" asked the barman, "Put out in a fight on board the ship?" "Nope" replied the pirate, "A blooming seagull flying overhead dropped its load on me." "You mean you were blinded by seagull dung!" said the barman in astonishment. "Nope" replied the pirate, it wasn't the dung, I just forgot about the blooming hook." |
|
Online Prayer - Night Prayer, Rosary and Lectio Divina Visit www.roomtopray.net for details of days and times | |
 |
 
|
| Derekap | Sunday, 4. October 2009, 14:25 Post #482 |
|
I'd 'ave bin looking for the cowboys or the cavalry led by John Wayne!
Edited by Derekap, Sunday, 4. October 2009, 14:26.
|
| Derekap | |
|
|
|
| Deacon Robert | Wednesday, 14. October 2009, 18:54 Post #483 |
|
Hypnotism at the civic Center It was entertainment night at the civic Center . Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance- I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.' The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light. Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.' He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch . .. .? The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces. 'poop ( substitute your own choice of words)!' said the Hypnotist. It took 3 days to clean up the civic Center. |
| Dcn Robert | |
|
|
|
| Joseph | Friday, 16. October 2009, 11:08 Post #484 |
|
As an essentially a single-section forum user I feel 'out of bounds' in here, but here goes anyway. Telegraph Letters are currently discussing the increasing use of double-barrelled names, and this letter really made me laugh:-
|
| Joseph | |
|
|
|
| Phil_sfo | Sunday, 18. October 2009, 21:12 Post #485 |
|
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - I've just had another fight with the little woman.' 'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?' "Well, it was difficult, but in the end, she came to me on her hands and knees." 'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?' She said, 'Come out from under that bed, you chicken.' |
|
|
|
| Josephine | Thursday, 22. October 2009, 22:48 Post #486 |
|
Catholic Dictionary - For Catholics Only This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are. AMEN The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN Your receipt for attending Mass. CHOIR A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the parish to lip-sync. HOLY WATER A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. HYMN A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the the congregation's range. RECESSIONAL HYMN The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left INCENSE Holy Smoke! JESUITS An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams. JONAH The original 'Jaws' story. JUSTICE When kids have kids of their own. KYRIE ELEISO The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognise besides gyros and baklava. (For you non-Catholics it means "Lord have mercy.") MAGI The most famous trio to attend a baby shower. MANGER Where Mary placed Jesus because Joseph forgot the crib when packing the donkey. PEW A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches. PROCESSION The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats. RECESSIONAL The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot. RELICS People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand. STABLE Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by a HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.) TEN The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman. COMMANDMENTS USHERS The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew. Edited by Josephine, Thursday, 22. October 2009, 22:51.
|
|
|
|
| Mairtin | Sunday, 25. October 2009, 23:33 Post #487 |
|
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, 'We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.' He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. 'We missed the #@*# 'R' ! We missed the #@*# 'R' ! We missed the #@*# 'R' !' His forehead is all and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, 'What's wrong, father?' With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, 'The word was... 'CelebRate!!!' |
|
Online Prayer - Night Prayer, Rosary and Lectio Divina Visit www.roomtopray.net for details of days and times | |
|
|
|
| Derekap | Monday, 26. October 2009, 21:49 Post #488 |
|
Reminds of the time we at last prayed: "In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit!" (Instead of Ghost). I happened to hear on the radio a CofE clergyman say: "In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost" (instead of Spirit). |
| Derekap | |
|
|
|
| KatyA | Sunday, 1. November 2009, 20:33 Post #489 |
|
Administrator
|
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream, at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!” The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realised why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12-packs of beer on the front seat. A few minutes later she found her own car parked 4 or 5 spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, wearing glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you’re going to have a senior moment…….make it memorable! |
  | |
|
|
|
| sumermamma | Monday, 2. November 2009, 00:28 Post #490 |
|
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation." |
|
|
|
| OsullivanB | Monday, 9. November 2009, 10:06 Post #491 |
|
What do you call a sleep-walking nun? A roaming Catholic. |
|
|
|
| Clare | Monday, 9. November 2009, 10:34 Post #492 |
Wacko Schismatic Traditionalist Woman
|
I don't think this one's been posted here before: A priest is hearing children's confessions, and one boy comes into the confessional and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I threw pebbles in the pond." The priest says, "Don't worry, that's not a sin." Then another boy comes in. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I threw pebbles in the pond." Again, the priest reassures the boy that there is no sin in that. A few more boys come in with the same confession, and the priest reassures them all, getting a bit more exasperated each time. Finally the last boy comes in and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned...." and the priest interrupts him, "You haven't thrown pebbles in the pond as well, have you?" And the boy replies, "No Father, I am Pebbles!" |
|
S.A.G. My attempt at a blog. | |
|
|
|
| Deacon Robert | Monday, 9. November 2009, 18:51 Post #493 |
|
FOUR WORMS AND A LESSON TO BE LEARNED A Deacon decided that a visual Demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into Four Separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of Alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of Cigarette Smoke. The third worm was put into a container of Chocolate Syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of Good Clean Soil. At the conclusion of the homily, the Deacon reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead. The Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead. Fourth worm in good clean soil -Alive. So the Deacon asked the assembly, “What did you learn from this demonstration?” Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!” That pretty much ended the service. |
| Dcn Robert | |
|
|
|
| SeanJ | Tuesday, 10. November 2009, 20:01 Post #494 |
|
Moderator
|
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a small land mass and said, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God. "That's Scotland, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams, and hills. The people from Scotland are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be Extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace." Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting next to them" Sean |
|
|
|
| SeanJ | Tuesday, 10. November 2009, 20:04 Post #495 |
|
Moderator
|
Two American tourists were driving through Wales. As they were approaching the town of Llanfairpwllgwngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please tell us where we are very slowly?" The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing." Sean |
|
|
|
| 1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous) | |
| Go to Next Page | |
| « Previous Topic · The Parish Hall · Next Topic » | |
8:24 AM Nov 23