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| Jokes (any Sort That Won't Upset Good Catholics) | |
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| Topic Started: Friday, 6. October 2006, 20:04 (7,983 Views) | |
| Poesy | Wednesday, 22. July 2009, 10:00 Post #451 |
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| Domine Jesu, noverim me . | |
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| Bob Crowley | Sunday, 26. July 2009, 12:39 Post #452 |
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This reminds me of the time I picked up a bloke in a suburb called Toowong in the cab I was driving. Toowong is close to St. Lucia where the Univesity of Queensland is located. This chap was fairly young (late twenties or thirties I sppose) and carting a folding bicycle. So I assumed he was a student, particularly in view of his casual dress, long hair and beard. But he wanted to go some distance, and we got to talking. It turned out he was not a student, but an idealistic lawyer working for Legal Aid. I mentioned that I thought he was a student, and he commented that some people thought he was a labourer. "In fact" he said, "I once had a judge refer to me as the defendant." |
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| OsullivanB | Sunday, 26. July 2009, 14:23 Post #453 |
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| KatyA | Tuesday, 28. July 2009, 12:03 Post #454 |
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Administrator
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Some of these are really bad. Come to think of it, most of them are.  My Favourite Bible Quiz Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? A. Ruthless. Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ? A. German Shepherds. Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord. Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson. He brought the house down. Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once. Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area around Jordan, the banks were always overflowing. Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible? A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep. Q. Which Bible character had no parents? A. Joshua, son of Nun. Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark? A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groan .....) PS. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee? Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . "He-brews" KEEP SMILING!!!! GOD LOVES YOU!!!! Friends are God's way of taking care of us. |
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| Bob Crowley | Tuesday, 28. July 2009, 12:36 Post #455 |
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I passed the cemetery yesterday, on my way to work, and I noticed 4 pall-bearers walking around with a coffin. I passed by again, some hours later, and they were still walking around with it. So I thought to myself ........... > > > > > > > 'These blokes have lost the plot' |
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| OsullivanB | Tuesday, 28. July 2009, 13:35 Post #456 |
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| Deacon Robert | Tuesday, 28. July 2009, 17:56 Post #457 |
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headlines from the newspapers: Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say? Enjoy! Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter ---------------------------------------------- I just couldn't help but sending this along. Too funny. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers ----------------------------------------------------------- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over --------------------------------------------------------------- Miners Refuse to Work after Death ------------------------------------------------------ Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant ---------------------------------------------------------- War Dims Hope for Peace ---------------------------------------------------------------- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile ! ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures ---------------------------------------------------------------- Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges ---------------------------------------------------------- Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge ---------------------------------------------- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group ----------------------------------------------- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft ---------------- --------------------------------- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks **************************************** Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half Chainsaw Massacre all over again! *************************************************** Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors ******************************************* And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead *************************************************** |
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| Josephine | Thursday, 30. July 2009, 16:24 Post #458 |
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I'm Irish so I can tell this. An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, quite drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He walks into the river too and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around, almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, and asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk shouts, "Yes, Oi am." So the preacher grabs him, dunks him in the river, pulls him up and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, Oi haven't found Jesus." The preacher, shocked at this answer, dunks him into the water again but for a little longer. Again he pulls the drunk out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" Again the drunk answers, "No, Oi haven't found Jesus." By this time the preacher is at his wits' end and dunks the drunk in the river again, but this time holds him down for about thirty seconds and when he begins thrashing about with his arms and legs, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus yet?" The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are ye sure dis is where he fell in?" |
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| Derekap | Saturday, 8. August 2009, 19:34 Post #459 |
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Mrs. McGervey was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father O'Flaherty. The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. McGervey and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.' The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?' She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.' The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.' She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.' They then parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. McGervey, how are ye these days?' She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?' She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!' The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer lovin' hoosband doing?' She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer bloomin' candle. |
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| James | Monday, 24. August 2009, 14:53 Post #460 |
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James
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The following have all appeared in church magazines so let us thank God for church ladies with typewriters. -------------------------- Next weekend's Fasting & Prayer Conference in Whitby includes all meals. -------------------------- Sunday morning sermon: 'Jesus Walks on the Water' Sunday evening sermon: 'Searching for Jesus.' -------------------------- Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. -------------------------- Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. -------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. -------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. -------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. -------------------------- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. -------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. -------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice -------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. -------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. -------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. -------------------------- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. -------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. -------------------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. -------------------------- The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. -------------------------- The school drama group will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church hall on Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. -------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. -------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!' Edited by James, Wednesday, 26. August 2009, 17:31.
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| James | Monday, 24. August 2009, 15:09 Post #461 |
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James
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CATHOLIC HORSES: One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race. Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, the priest stepped out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing horses, and they always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears, and hooves of one of the horses. Mitch bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track, and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day long you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now, thanks to you, I've lost all my savings!!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with Protestants--you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites |
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| James | Monday, 24. August 2009, 15:46 Post #462 |
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James
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Why didn't I think of this???? From " I am informed " Bristol Evening Post: 22nd. June 2009 Outside Bristol Zoo is the car park, with spaces for 150 cars and 8 coaches. It has been manned 6 days a week for 23 years by the same charming and very polite car park attendant with the ticket machine. The charges are £1.00 per car and £5.00 per coach. On Monday 1 June, he did not turn up for work. Bristol Zoo management phoned Bristol City Council to ask them to send a replacement parking attendant. The Council said, "That car park is your responsibility." The Zoo said, "The attendant was employed by the City Council... wasn't he?" The Council said, "What attendant?" Sitting in his villa in Spain , is a bloke who had been taking the car park fees, estimated at £400 per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years... Assuming 7 days week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million... Edited by James, Monday, 24. August 2009, 15:46.
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| Anne-Marie | Tuesday, 25. August 2009, 09:41 Post #463 |
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I just stumbled upon this on an MSN site. I do realise there is nothing funny about a kid having an accident. But it just might help we readers if writers expressed themselves rather less loosely!!
So, he was airlifted to the local hospital... and after treatment there, he was airlifted to the general hospital suffering serious injuries!!! What do they do in the local hospital? |
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Anne-Marie FIAT VOLUNTAS DEI | |
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| James | Tuesday, 25. August 2009, 09:49 Post #464 |
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James
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I remember that !! It turned out that the helicopter crew were late for tea break, so they just dropped him off by parachute. Unfortunately -------------. Well you knew what some parachutes are like nowadays.!! Personally, I have never used the things. Edited by James, Tuesday, 25. August 2009, 09:50.
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| Anne-Marie | Tuesday, 25. August 2009, 10:39 Post #465 |
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Sensible man... after all... Why would any sane person want to jump out of a perfectly serviceable aircraft??? |
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Anne-Marie FIAT VOLUNTAS DEI | |
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5:06 PM Nov 25