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| Jokes (any Sort That Won't Upset Good Catholics) | |
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| Topic Started: Friday, 6. October 2006, 20:04 (7,982 Views) | |
| KatyA | Friday, 3. July 2009, 23:38 Post #436 |
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The Man Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one 1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping. (Thanks to Monstrous Regiment of Women ) |
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| draig | Saturday, 4. July 2009, 21:24 Post #437 |
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Bob, the (feeble) joke is that Oysters Kilpatrick is a recipe - BBC Good Food Link |
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| OsullivanB | Saturday, 4. July 2009, 21:33 Post #438 |
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Thanks. It really had been nagging at me. It's just not a dish I know. |
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| Bob Crowley | Sunday, 5. July 2009, 12:38 Post #439 |
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It's just a play on words. There's a recipe called - "Oysters Kilpatrick". What I didn't realise is that it's apparently Australian in origin. I thought it was Irish. To be honest I 'm not even sure how the name arose (I don't think anybody does), but there's a recipe below that I lifted off another site. . By: bluemoon downunder Sep 21, 2005 A classic Australian dish which will be found in many Australian restaurants, and which is a brilliant way to enjoy oysters. I checked out a few sources before posting this recipe, for the 2005 Zaar World Tour, but primarily Huey (Australian chef Iain Hewitson) and the Australian publication by Reader's Digest of a book jam-packed with traditional Australian recipes: 'Family Recipe Scrapbook: tried and trusted recipes for today's cooks'. The recipe I've posted here is taken primarily from the Reader's Digest publication, but I've included details of a variation (from Huey) in the notes. By the way, if you're watching your salt intake and you're concerned about the unspecified amount of rock salt, don't be: you won't be eating it! Not in this recipe! But DO buy your oysters from someone or somewhere you can trust, so that you KNOW they are fresh. Recipe makes 24 Oysters Kilpatrick) Ingredients 24 fresh oysters, in their shells rock salt 1 tablespoon worcestershire sauce 30 g butter 4 slices bacon, rind and all fat removed, finely diced sea salt, to taste fresh ground black pepper, to taste 2 tablespoons flat leaf parsley, chopped lemon wedge, to serve Directions 1Preheat the grill to the highest temperature. 2Arrange the oysters on a bed of rock salt in a large, shallow, ovenproof dish. 3Combine the Worcestershire sauce and butter in a small saucepan and heat the butter until it melts and the mixture begins to bubble around the edges of the saucepan. Remove from the heat. 4Spoon a little of the Worcestershire sauce and butter mixture over each oyster, and top evenly with the diced bacon and season with sea salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste. 5Cook under a preheated grill for 3-4 minutes, or until the bacon is crisp. 6Sprinkle with parsley, and serve with lemon wedges. 7Variation: The recipe for Oyster's Kilpatrick on Huey's website is Cath Claringbold's (from Mecca Bah in Melbourne), and varies from this more traditional recipe by including 100g finely chopped onion which is gently sautéed with the bacon in some olive oil. When the onions and bacon are removed from the stove, 2 drops of Tabasco sauce (this is for 3 dozen oysters) are added along with the Worcestershire sauce. Otherwise, the steps are much the same. I'm including this variation here, because unlike me some chefs I know are always looking for ways to add extra heat! |
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| KatyA | Sunday, 5. July 2009, 14:11 Post #440 |
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A mechanic was working on a car when he saw an eminent cardiologist at the desk. He called him over. “Hey Doc, come and have a look at this.” The surgeon wandered over and the mechanic said, “I take this apart, take it’s heart out, put it back together and it works fine. How come we both do the same kind of job and I only earn £15,000 a year while you earn nearly six times as much?” The surgeon thought for a minute and then whispered, “Try doing it with the engine running!” My grand-dad started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we don’t know where he is. I joined a health club last year and spent about 250 quid. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently, you have to go there. Every time I hear the dirty word “exercise” I wash my mouth out with chocolate. I do have flabby thighs but fortunately my stomach covers them. |
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| Deleted User | Sunday, 5. July 2009, 15:24 Post #441 |
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  I will have to pass that one on to the PTIs |
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| Powerofone | Sunday, 5. July 2009, 19:08 Post #442 |
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Edited by Powerofone, Sunday, 5. July 2009, 19:10.
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| Deacon Robert | Monday, 6. July 2009, 19:23 Post #443 |
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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!' While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself o ff, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem . A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?' The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~ You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh. I thought you would enjoy this.....times are tough right now...for all of us...so we need something to make the day a happy place. "They" haven't found a way to tax you for laughing...... yet. |
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| Poesy | Monday, 6. July 2009, 19:24 Post #444 |
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Alternative story of Balaam and his talking donkey.  Balaam was very cruel to his donkey. He was always overworking the poor animal and would take a whip and beat the daylights out of him if the animal didnt respond. One day he was out late at night after having a few too many drinks, and abusing the donkey as usual. This time the man had his dog next to him. After whipping the donkey mercilessly, the donkey spoke up and said "Please master, dont whip me any more. Please, stop". Balaam was shocked and starting running and running scared out of his wits and the dog was following him. He ran for quite a distance and wheezing and coughing out of breath, the man stopped and said, "I dont believe it, I almost had a heart attack. I have never heard a donkey speak before". The dog next to him also panting and out of breath, says "Gosh!!!! Neither have I. That was scary!!!". Needless to say Balaam keeled over.....  . Edited by Poesy, Monday, 6. July 2009, 19:33.
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| Deacon Robert | Monday, 6. July 2009, 20:04 Post #445 |
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Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?" "I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!" Bob brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory." With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more. The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house. Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master: "Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!" (I am soooooo sorry...... But you really should've seen that coming) |
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| Bob Crowley | Tuesday, 7. July 2009, 10:10 Post #446 |
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I was giving blood today in the Red Cross and there was a story on the wall. It was too good to keep to myself. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ A little old lady was called as a witness in a court case, in a local courtroom in a redneck Mississippi town. The prosecuting lawyer, Mr. Adams, called her to the stand. "Mrs. Williams, do you know who I am?" "Of course I know who you are. You're Jeremiah Adams, and I've known you since you were a boy. You've been a real disappointment too, always down at the poker games, three times unfaithful to your wife, defrauded several of your customers and you couldn't be trusted as far as a cut snake could crawl." The lawyer was so shocked he didn't know what to say. So he just pointed to the defending lawyer and said, "Er, Mrs. Williams, do you know who he is?" She looked, and said, "Of course I do. He's Jonah Bradley, class cheat since he was six years of age, foul mouthed little tyke, used to chuck rocks through people's windows. Cheated on his wife three times with different women, one of whom was your wife, and sees everthing through the bottom of a bottle. Yes, I know who he is." The defending lawyer nearly dropped dead of a heart attack. The judge called both lawyers over to his bench in American style, and beckoned them to lean close to him. He whispered, "If either of you two idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send the pair of you to the electric chair!" |
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| Derekap | Tuesday, 7. July 2009, 15:04 Post #447 |
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Thank you all for making me laugh!
Edited by Derekap, Tuesday, 7. July 2009, 15:04.
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| Bob Crowley | Saturday, 11. July 2009, 04:56 Post #448 |
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I found some musician jokes that made me laugh. &&&&&&&&& How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison? Shoot one. &&&&&&&&& How do you know when the stage is level ? The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth .. &&&&&&&&& ~Saint Peter is checking in new arrivals in heaven....~ "What did you do on Earth?" "I was a surgeon. I helped the lame to walk." "Well, go right on in through the Pearly Gates" "What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher. I taught the blind to see." "Fine .. go right on in through the Pearly Gates!" "What did you do on Earth?" "I was a musician. I helped make sad people happy." "You can load in through the kitchen." &&&&&&&&&& How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax? Add vibrato &&&&&&&&&& What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ? "Will the defendant please rise ..." |
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| KatyA | Friday, 17. July 2009, 12:09 Post #449 |
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Childrens' Science Exam Not sure of their ages but I love the answers ... great ! Children's Science Exam If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers... Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!) A: Keep it in the cow. Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!) Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.G., abdomen) A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U. Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...) A: Nearby. Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.' A: The Caesarian Section is a district in ROME. Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?' A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. |
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| OsullivanB | Saturday, 18. July 2009, 13:40 Post #450 |
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Dom Anthony Sutch, former headmaster of Downside, recently described how it was difficult to get his habit dry-cleaned because they couldn't decide whether it should be charged as a military uniform or as a ball gown. There wasn't a tick box for the habit. |
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