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| Jokes (any Sort That Won't Upset Good Catholics) | |
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| Topic Started: Friday, 6. October 2006, 20:04 (7,984 Views) | |
| Bob Crowley | Friday, 22. May 2009, 01:12 Post #421 |
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Patrick was a solid worker, an oyster farmer. Every day he could be seen at low tide rowing out to the oyster beds to check them and begin the laborious business of bringing them in and harvesting them. Day in, day out, Patrick rowed and did his heavy work. He was as regular as clockwork, and his wife knew exactly when he'd be home for tea. But one day, he didn't come back. His anxous wife wondered what had happened, and when he still hadn't shown by morning, she called the police. They went to the beach and there bobbing on the water out to sea was Patrick's boat. They went out and there was Patrick, slumped over the oars. His heart had given way. The bought him home to his grieving widow. Next morning there was a headline in the local newspaper. "OYSTERS KILL PATRICK!" |
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| Deacon Robert | Thursday, 28. May 2009, 19:42 Post #422 |
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On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me' said one boy... Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..' He just knew what it was.. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. 'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.' The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard , 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.' The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.' Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.' They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike. |
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| Deleted User | Friday, 29. May 2009, 12:43 Post #423 |
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The ones are usually the best so here are a couple. The first touches on some of the issues facing isolated and those alone. A Scotsman from one of the remote Western Isles was rebuked by a friend for not going over to the mainland for confession. “There is no excuse the little aeroplane is cheep and frequent these days and it’s only a short walk down to the church from the bus stop once you land." “Ah but" says the old Scot, “it’s like this you see, Travelling by plane and bus is too expensive for venial sins and too dangerous for a mortal one!” ----------- and then there is the classic A little girl makes her first confession and she comes out in floods of tears. Her mother tries to console her and ask why she was crying. The little girl said, "The priest told me I have to say three Hail Mary's for my penance, but I only know one." ----- And of cause you all know about the little lad who maintained that there are only six sacraments... His father told him marriage and penance where the same. |
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| KatyA | Tuesday, 2. June 2009, 21:24 Post #424 |
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Things footballers say (from a parish bulletin) “I’d like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.” Mark Draper “You’ve got to believe that you’re going to win, and I believe we’ll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we’re knocked out.” Peter Shilton “Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.” Ian Wright “I couldn’t settle in Italy – it was like living in a foreign country.” Ian Rush “Leeds is a great club and it’s been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesbrough.” Jonathan Woodgate “I’d rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.” Johnny Giles “Sometimes in football you have to score goals.” Thierry Henry |
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| draig | Thursday, 4. June 2009, 22:16 Post #425 |
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I went for a 'flu injection today and when I got home I found my wife crying because her vodoo doll had died. |
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| Bob Crowley | Friday, 12. June 2009, 11:18 Post #426 |
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Not a joke so much as my opinion of rap music. It seems that when rap music was originally mooted, it was meant to be marketed under another label. But it appears that at some stage there was a typo in the marketing literature. They left out the "C". |
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| OsullivanB | Friday, 12. June 2009, 11:46 Post #427 |
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Something similar happened with "hit songs".
Edited by OsullivanB, Friday, 12. June 2009, 11:46.
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| KatyA | Monday, 15. June 2009, 11:50 Post #428 |
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| KatyA | Monday, 15. June 2009, 11:51 Post #429 |
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To Whom It May Concern St. Peter's Basilica Vatican City (Jelly stain here) I have been reading about saints receiving the grace ofbilocation: such as St. Anthony of Padua, Padre Pio, and more. While I have been inspired and impressed by such miracles, I would like the Church to explore why this grace hasn't been given more often to those who really need it: mothers. That's right, I know that the celibate life is a sacrifice and a grace, but it seems to me that this gift is kind of wasted on them. Now, I have five kids. In any given moment, I need to attend them all to make sure #1 isn't smearing fingerpaint into the carpet, #2 isn't trying to hardboil an egg in the microwave, #3 isn't arm-wrestling the cat again, #4 isn't rummaging the garbage for his latest snack, and #5 hasn't pulled off her diaper in an effort to "help go potty". If the Church could please advise how to pray for the grace of bilocation--or trilocation? quadlocation? quintlocation?--for discipline purposes, I would be eternally grateful. I also think you would be creating a real niche in the parenting self-help book market: a title likeParent Like A Saint: Bilocate your way to well-behaved kidswould sell like hotcakes in my parish. Thanks for your consideration, Harried Mom Ironic Catholic |
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| Poesy | Friday, 19. June 2009, 19:59 Post #430 |
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| Domine Jesu, noverim me . | |
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| Bob Crowley | Sunday, 28. June 2009, 12:00 Post #431 |
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The Royal Navy frigate had been sent to the Caribbean to hunt pirates. Blackbeard was reputed to be in the area, so they were nervous. The lookout yelled, "Pirate ship ahoy". The captain barked, "Get me my red shirt!" He put it on and they did battle with the pirates and defeated them. The next day the lookout cried, "Two pirate ships ahoy!" The captain barked, "Get me my red shirt" He put it on and they did battle with the pirates and defeated them. The crew were full of admiration for the captain, but wondered why he put on a red shirt? He said, "If I'm wounded, the blood won't show and you'll fight on to the end, and we'll win!" The crew were overcome with respect. Just then the lookout cried, "Ten more pirate ships ahoy! And that villain Blackbeard's one of them!" The captain barked, "Get me my brown pants!" |
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| Deacon Robert | Wednesday, 1. July 2009, 14:17 Post #432 |
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us kissing in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues, "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!" "I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today!" |
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| KatyA | Thursday, 2. July 2009, 15:52 Post #433 |
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Dear all, Is your mouse calibrated? You should do this every few days. More often if you spend a lot of time on your computer. I was shocked to see that this works! To re-calibrate your mouse, left click on your mouse and hold on the Y below. Then drag the Y toward the G. If it doesn't work, you might want to clean your mouse. Y ou silly beggar, you'll believe anythin g |
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| pat | Thursday, 2. July 2009, 23:45 Post #434 |
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Ha ha - I fell for it! |
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| OsullivanB | Friday, 3. July 2009, 10:16 Post #435 |
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After six weeks I must finally admit defeat. Would somebody please explain this joke to me? |
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