Derekap

Aug 24 2005, 04:36 PM

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister are discussing what they do with donations to their respective religious organizations.

The minister says that he draws a circle on the floor, throws the money up in the air, and whatever lands in the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands outside the circle, he keeps.

The priest uses a similar method. He draws the circle, but whatever lands outside the circle, he gives to God, and whatever lands inside, he keeps.

The rabbi has a slightly different method of dividing the money. He throws all the money up in the air. Whatever God wants, he keeps.

Derekap

Rose of York

Jul 30 2005, 01:43 AM

This is a story about a little man, just an ordinary little working man. During his stay on earth he had spent much of his time on building sites, production lines, public bars and the terraces of many football grounds. He was a very ordinary little working man, no different from any other ordinary little working man.

When our ordinary little working man set off on his journey to the great public bar in the sky he had to stop off at the pearly gates, to be assessed for admission.

Saint Peter said to our ordinary little working man "I've checked your references, and your interview went very well, so I am pleased to say you have earned a position in Paradise. How soon would you like to start?

The ordinary little working man said "My mother told me all sorts of stories about this place, but I don't think she really knew what she was talking about. She never went more than a mile or so from home all her life. What's it really like here? Is the beer any good?"

"When you've seen what we have here," said Peter, "You will lose interest in beer. This is the most wonderful place. Listen! That music you hear is the non-stop concert of heavenly choirs. Everbody here is joyful. What do you say, do you accept my offer or do you not?"

The ordinarly little working man looked down at the earth, overcrowded by billions of people. He recalled the stink of pollution and the fear of going round to the pub in the dark when he got old. He saw road accidents, he saw bombs going off, heard guns firing, and - worse still - looked at ordinary little working men standing in dole queues all over the world. "OK Sir" said he, "I don't want to go back there, I do fancy a change, but do you mind if I have a proper look round before making my final decision?"

"Yes, yes" said Peter irritably, while in the background a couple of saints muttered about some people taking a lot of pleasing.

Peter said "Listen and look. All the joys and wonders of eternity are here, just for the taking. What do you think?"

The ordinary little working man gazed around at the sheer beauty of Heaven, opened his ears to songs of the Heavenly Hosts and said "All my life I have wondered what I would say if I ever got here."

Peter looked with kindness at the ordinarily little working man and asked him "Well, my son, what do you say?".

The ordinary little man said just one word.

Saint Peter looked as though he had been struck like lightning.

The Archangel dropped his conductor's baton on the floor.

The heavenly hosts lapsed into total silence.

The little cherubs playing hide and seek in the clouds giggled and giggled and giggled.

A couple of deceased Reverend Mothers sniffed.

Saint Peter suddenly beamed with pure joy. He threw his arms round the ordinary little working man and said "With all my heart I love and welcome you. That's the first time I've heard that word in 2000 years."

Patrick

Jul 19 2005, 03:52 PM

No meat on Friday

When Ole quit farming, he discovered that he was the only Lutheran in his new little town of Catholics.  That was okay, but the neighbours had a problem with his barbequing beef every Friday.  Since they couldn't eat meat on Friday, the tempting aroma was getting the better of them.  Hoping they could do something to stop this, the neighbors got together and went over to talk to Ole.  "Ole," they said, "since you are the only Lutheran in this whole town and there's not a Lutheran church for many miles, we think you should join our church and become a Catholic."  Ole thought about it for a minute and decided they were probably right.  Ole talked to the priest, and they arranged it.

The big day came and the priest had Ole kneel.  He put his hand on Ole's head and said, "Ole, you were born a Lutheran, you were raised a Lutheran, and now," he said as he sprinkled some incense over Ole's head, "now you are a Catholic!"

Ole was happy and the neighbours were happy. But the following Friday evening at suppertime, there was again the aroma of grilled beef coming from Ole's yard. The neighbours went to talk to him about this and as they approached the fence, they heard Ole saying to the steak: "You were born a beef, you were raised a beef", and as he sprinkled salt over the meat he said, "and NOW you are a FISH!"